Little to No Appeal

Treme-ing My Pants (Not Really, Not Yet)

2010-04-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

I realize it is pronounced "Treh-MAY." For the purposes of wordplay in the lede, I was hoping that you didn't. If you did know the correct pronunciation, pretend it says "HBO's Treme? A-Okay!" up there. Pulitzer.

So, I'm watching the series premiere for Treme, for the second time, tonight. The first time I watched it, when it first aired, I was very distracted. And drunk. This time, I am only drunk, so I am able to give it an appropriate amount of my attention. Herein lies my live-ish blogging of theTreme premiere, a solid week after the fact. I would joke about how untimely this "live-blog" is, but no one is reading, anyway. Here we go:

When I (re)begin watching the pilot, my first impression is that I don't understand a lot/most/any of what is being said. I feel racist. Yet again, I worry that I am not a very good Blackperson, since I can't really understand what these colored gentlemen are discussing.

A few minutes in, Wendell Pierce (THE BUNK) expresses enthusiasm about making some "mother fucking money." I understand that. 10 Blackpoints. Pierce looks fairly authoritative wielding a trombone. I think I read one time that he really knows how to play it.*

Then, Steve Zahn's ass. No, thank you. Also, while I have more or less deduced what a "second line" is at this point, I certainly do not know why it is called that. (Perhaps there is a "first line" that is not pertinent down in the Treme?)

Relationships are being established, and I'm finding it a little tedious. It is my own fault. I'm already expecting the familiarity awarded to a devoted viewer of a series in medias res, wherein exposition is already shorthand or avoided entirely. I remind myself I am not watching The Wire, season 3. David Simon must have felt there was a very important reason to show me Steve Zahn's ass right now-- a reason I may forever be too stupid to grasp. It is easy to sustain idol worship, as long as you never concede that your idol's intelligence is within your grasp.

24 minutes in, and Zahn is now shirtless for the second time. I maintain, no, thank you. Not for me. I guess I'm supposed to be learning a lot about his character from all this. Also, Zahn is playing Mystikal very loud and trying to annoy his neighbors for reasons yet to be revealed.

Clarke Peters (COOL LESTER SMOOTH) has shown up a couple times now. Much like his character's introduction scenes in The Wire, it seems Simon and co-creator Eric Overmyer have stuck to the "Show. Don't tell" screenwriters' credo/cliche. Peters hasn't said much and we don't know much about his character's deal yet, but he's been given a good deal of business in just two or three scenes. Right now he's mopping in a bar or something, with major gravitas. Inner turmoil!

A lot more stuff has happened since the mopping, and also not very much at all. Lester's kids are grownups, and they are annoyed by him; but, they are still giving him unsolicited help. Lester doesn't say much to his whiney kids, or anyone for that matter. He mostly just does the stern I'm-set-in-my-ways face, and people acquiesce to whatever he's doing, even though he is sometimes dressed up like an "If They Mated" of Don Magic Juan crossed with Big Bird.

The Bunk (in case you have not noticed, I am not learning nor bothering to look up anyone's Treme character names, at this point) has taken three cab rides in this episode, even though he could not afford any of them. I think he should stop taking cabs.

Well, it's over now. The pilot was fine. You know, pretty good as far as TV goes, but unable to meet the impossibly high bar set by 5 seasons of the Greatest Show of All Time, The Wire. (Not yet.) I'm looking forward to seeing more Treme. And, HBO has already picked it up for a second season, so that's exciting.

Hopefully, going forward, there will be less Zahn ass.

*He doesn't. But, he is taking lessons for the show.

Things with More Appeal.19

2009-11-19T13:00:00.001-08:00

The League started on FX two or three weeks ago. I wasn't too jazzed about it, mostly because I don't give a shit about fantasy football, and It's Always Sunny has been turning me off since season 3 (the self-congratulatory arrogance and "wackiness" is nowhere near as funny as the honesty and plausibility of the first season, but that is another post, entirely). I decided to watch The League anyway, because Nick Kroll.

It turns out, The League is fucking awesome. I can't say that I'm ROFFL (Rolling On the Floor Fingerbanging, Laughing) incessantly, but I almost never have that reaction to any comedy show-- even when it's an extra hilarious ep of Two and a Half Men!

Quite honestly, The League is great because it isn't trying to be over the top, setting-otters-on-fire-funny. It's just consistently brave and edgy, and they don't "wait for it" after a character delivers a choice line. They throw away jokes that are funnier than anything on Family Guy or The Nanny or whatever it is the kids are into, without dwelling on it because on The League there's always another funny line immediately. They don't need/don't have the time to beg for the laugh or shove in your face that they're COORS LIGHT SNOWBOARDS EXTREME COMEDY. The show knows it's funny, but not in an arrogant, pleading way. It's dope.

The characters are still anchored in reality, they're just funnier than people are in reality, which is why it's definitely fun and worth it to watch a TV show about them. So, yeah, join The League: You'll feel like a winner!*

*Sorry.

3 Hot Guys and Will Ferrell Play Tennis

2009-08-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job like two weeks ago, hence the increased infrequency of my posting. Just when you thought this blog couldn't get any worse, here we are. In any event, I'm sure no one noticed, as I'm pretty sure the only person reading this blog is me. (I like to double check to see if there's a missed opportunity to crowbar in another racist joke or two.)

To wit, a video blog, or "vlog," as I refuse to call it.

For some reason, Gob/Mr. Amy Poehler/Will Arnett/Hotness #1 is playing tennis with Andy Roddick/Hotness #2 against Andy Murray/Hotness #3 and Will Ferrell/Will Ferrell. Also, Keenan is there (no idea where Kel is), presumably to add color -zing!- since Quddouche is no blacker than Roger Sterling with some hastily applied shoe polish - doublezing!-. In any event, the video is mildly amusing. So, watch it. Or don't. I don't know. Fuck off.

So You Think I'm Not Going to Hurt You

2009-08-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Fair warning: This is going to get gross.

This guy, Alex Da Silva, a 41-year-old salsa choreographer (gross) and judge on Fox's "hit" show So You Think You Can Dance (gross), is like, really into raping women (criminal; also, gross). Allegedly.

Ugh. That mugshot. The salsa. Fucking. Gross.

I don't really care to imagine him luring his dance students into his gross bedroom to "show them new clothes" or "ask for help fixing his computer," only for him to whip it out and make some homemade guacamole on the unsuspecting ~~waitress~~ dancer. In case you're unclear, by "whip it out and make some homemade guacamole," I mean "rape and jizz on a bitch."

Speaking of misunderstandings, Silva's attorney Harland Braun said the case was a misunderstanding of “the difference between seduction and rape.” Make that four separate incidents of misunderstanding. Sheesh. That's a lot of guac.

Hey Da Silva, a bit of advice: While you're in jail, don't drop the maraca.

LTNA to Japanese: "Just Say You're Solly"

2009-08-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

I first saw the Japanese game show clip below a few months ago. For reasons I do not recall, I was reminded of it again yesterday, and felt compelled to share here on LTNA.

Yep. That happened.

I don't really care to share any thoughts on this. I just think the thing that bothers me most about this video is that it is not the most offensive thing I have ever seen. Le sigh.

Now, This Is Happening

2009-07-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

We've already been over my love of HBO's The Wire, and my bottomless contempt for those who "don't get it." However, I will freely admit Walter Cronkite biting the big one yesterday isn't exactly a cause for pause, let alone an LTNA post, as I'm under the age of 60 (barely), and don't really have any thoughts on the matter. Frankly, I think the guy had a pretty decent run. I mean, he was 92 frickin' years old. Besides, dying "suddenly" is so last month.

Taking all that into account, along with the fact that I am quite certain no one wants to hear my thoughts on the current situation in Pakistan (more to the point, I have no thoughts on Pakistan because I am willfully ignorant on the matter), I'm just going to remind the world-- i.e., Carl, the person who reads this blog (hey pal!)-- that The Wire is televised manna. I haven't blogged much this week because there's not been much for me to talk about; but, I figure, why let that stop me, when I can regurgitate material from posts of yore?

I've been re-watching The Wire in its entirety over the past couple of weeks. If you're a Wire fan, you undoubtedly realize that saying "in its entirety" is slightly redundant, because that is the only way to watch The Wire. Once you watch one episode, your life is pretty much fucked for the next month, because you realize the entire 60 hours of the saga deserve review. It can't be helped.

As soon as I wrap up this pathetic excuse for a blog post, I'll be firing up the old DVD machine and finishing up Season 3 along with my case of Sam Adams Light. Yup, home alone on a Saturday night with McNulty and the gang keeping me company through my teevee. Don't be jealous.

The only way to make my night more awesome would be to fall asleep while eating a waffle sundae and crying. However, I just did that Thursday night, and I pride myself on being unpredictable. Translation: I will most likely wake up in my laundry basket tomorrow afternoon, amidst the detritus of a McGangBang with a side of self loathing, while Montell Jordan's "This Is How We Do It" plays on repeat through my iTunes. I love the weekend!

Things with More Appeal.18

2009-07-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I saw the documentary-ish film Food, Inc. I wouldn't recommend it if you ever want to eat again. But, if you are actually interested in what exactly goes into the taco salad or whatever traditional Mexican delicacy you're shoving into your Chalupa-hole, you should definitely watch it.

It's really only a "documentary" in the sense that Michael Moore movies are documentaries; but, I found this one way less self-righteous and bloated. Food, Inc. indeed takes a definite point of view, but if you're on the opposing side, you're probably Lucifer.

I've mentioned before that I take more interest than many in just what the fuck it is we're all eating, and this flick is pretty much entirely about that. The nice thing about seeing the movie is that it doesn't involve reading books or actually doing anything. And, every ticket comes with a free soapbox, so you can go yell on the nearest corner after it's over and hoot n' holler about how ConAgra and Yum! foods are giving us all "the diabetes."

Indeed, you will feel like your supermarket is less a place to procure food and sundries, and more a place to get some palatable poisons, after seeing this film. But fret not, the next time you get blackout drunk, I'm confident you'll still be able to rationalize eating that bacon cheeseburger chimichanga with extra syrup. "Pobody's nerfect!"

What I like most about Food, Inc. is that, at the end, the filmmakers include specific ways that we can all take action and seize control of an industry that seems to control us. In the end, they show that it's not entirely hopeless, after all. Just...mostly hopeless.

Oh, Good. I Was Just Saying Law & Order: SVU Reruns Aren't On Enough.

2009-07-09T19:02:00.001-07:00

These pockmarks can see through your lies.

Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU and Law & Order: Criminal Intent make up approximately 50% of cable programming. It's true.* I don't think there is any time of day where you don't at least have the option of getting a healthy dose of Dick (Wolf). This is fact, and has been fact since the dawn of cable syndication. However, it seems that my cable company started carrying a newish channel within the past month or so, called Sleuth.

Sweet Abba-Zaba. When they named this channel "Sleuth," I think they missed the opportunity to capitalize on what this channel really should have been called, which is "You're Home at 1:30 PM, Living on the Dole and Probably Fat, So Here, Watch Law & Order: SVU All Fucking Day, Except Sometimes We Show Criminal Intent Episodes Too, Just to Fuck With You, Fatty." I know the channel is owned by NBC Universal, because of duh, but jeebus, it is nothing but L&O spin-offs!

I, like everyone else who has ever seen these shows, thinks SVU sucks the least, because it does. Why would you have a plain old murder, when you can get a side of rape for the same price? I can only figure they throw in the CI reruns as a stern warning to us losers who lay about all day, fantasizing over the crimes we'd like to commit: Don't even start making arrangements to kill your elderly neighbor, steal his identity and start cashing his Social Security checks, because if you do, you're going to have to talk to Vincent D'Onofrio. Indeed, that is deterrent enough. Either that, or the CI reruns are considered intermission to get out of the fucking house, maybe look for a job.

But, joke's on you, Sleuth Network! I can usually find a rerun of 'Feld (this is what I call Seinfeld, because I am cool, but also too busy to say "Sein") to pass the time until another ep of SVU comes back on. I hope the next one's from Olivia's bulldyke-haircut era, but before Stabler got hair plugs. Those are classic!

*This is not true.

Puke.

2009-07-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

Two friends of mine directed me to a recently discovered atrocity, a website called Fancy Fast Food. Rather than dwell on what it may mean that more than zero people knew this was something that would be right up my alley-- what with my penchant for masochistic food porn (This Is Why You're Fat is my homepage, after all)-- I've decided to share the horror with those of you who end up reading this blog accidentally after it turns up in your Google search for photos of Oprah Winfrey's bush.*

Basically, this website gives detailed instructions on how to makeover various fast food items to make them into "fancy" foods. Instead, what happens is no. Just, NO. The photo above is the result of a makeover of some White Castle shitty bullshit burgers into "Tapas de Castillo Blanco." Did I mention "no," yet?

I can't actually bring myself to get through all of the instructions, because once I read sentences like "Meanwhile, using a food processor, blend the french fries into a pulp with a little water. Do the same with the beef (no water necessary) until it’s ground and moldable. Hand-roll the ground beef into meatballs, then pan-fry them until they start to brown," I usually have to take a quick break to vomit for the rest of my fucking life. I didn't think it was possible to make White Castle food even more of a sickout puke party; but, I guess I stand corrected.

*True story. Hey, I'll take a "unique" user however I can get it.

I Am What's Wrong With This Country

2009-07-06T23:25:00.001-07:00

So, I mentioned last week that I'm unemployed right now, making clear that said unemployment is indeed the impetus for my renewed attention to this blog. I've never been unemployed before, and it is taking a toll on my comfort level, to say the least. Not knowing where I'm going to get my next dollar is an uneasy feeling. I'd prefer not to suck dick for coke (never mix business with pleasure), so working jobs I hate has always been the more palatable option. Um, so to speak.

But, today I got my notice from The Man saying that I've been awarded unemployment pay. Remember those feelings of doom and malaise I was talking about, woven in with blueprints of suicide? GONE. Hooray for free money!

Now, I've got about a week before I actually start receiving my free money, but did I mention free money? Suddenly, all those years I spent rolling calls and making reservations for aging yuppie assholes at Katsu-ya seem like an even bigger waste of time than they did before. If all I had to do was get laid off to still get enough money to live a pretty lovely life, I should have seen to this happening a long time ago.

I want to celebrate with the free money I don't even have yet that's burning a hole in my pocket. Peanut butter and crack sandwiches for everyone-- on me!

No Sir, I Assure You I Am Not Going to "Love [Your] Nuts"

2009-07-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

You may already know that the ShamWow™ Guy is also the Slap Chop™ Guy-- not to mention that he's ev eryone's favorite hooker-Slap Chopping™ enthusiast. Well, that fucking Slap Chop™ commercial just came on NatGeo HD and weirded me out anew, so I decided to share the suffering. I mean, I was just talking about that dipshit, after all.

Oh yes, it was the long version, so you're going to get three minutes and change of Vince's nut-Slapping™ intensity and cryptic orders to "stop having a boring life." Maybe I should start assaulting prostitutes to spice things up, too.

OR...Slap Chop™!

He also demonstrates how easy it is to Slap™ together standard breakfast fare (you know, hard boiled egg™, pickle™, green onion™ plus a pinch™ of ham™, pounded™ like an unruly whore™-- I mean, Slap Chopped™-- into a fine paste™, just like no one ever used to ever make™ ever), because "YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST."™

Here you go, sweetums. An oldie but creepy, just for you.

After watching this again, I think I need an adult.

These Things Come in 3s 3 1/2s

2009-06-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

It is unusually difficult to find a photo of this man where he is not giving a thumbs-up. So, this.

Yesterday morning, when I was realizing I'd fallen asleep with the teevee on all night again, Ann Curry's voice was telling me that the Oxi Clean guy done came up deayud (LTNA gets folksy!). I actually yelled to my pillow "What the fuck is going ON?" before rolling over for visual confirmation of what I thought I'd heard. I had not hallucinated the news.

Ed McMahon last Tuesday. Then, Farrah Fawcett/Michael Jackson Day, later that week. (I am being polite here. We all know the real story is Jacko, and any mentions of Farrah that have come since then have been obligatory. We all know it. I just had the ~~anonymous blog~~ balls to say it.)

And now Billy freakin Mays? I repeat, what the fuck is going ON? Admittedly, I'm not attached to any of these personalities, but this shit is fucking weird. If I were a washed up and/or F-List celebrity, I'd be feeling a bit nervous right now. Billy just did Conan last week, for crying out loud. Who's going to yell at me insisting I buy shitty As Seen On TV products now?

Sheesh. I totally just lost a bet. My money was on the ShamWow guy going first (meth-fueled murder/suicide, obvi). If I can get some action on a Real Housewife of New Jersey dying, I'm letting it ride.

Oh, and this is old and still sort of funny. Probably a bit disrespectful to put up, in light of things. But, you know, fuck you.

Putting the "Oy!" in "Unemployed"

2009-06-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of a bread line. I lack subtlety.

Oh, indeed. Unreliable as ever, it looks like I'm doing this little blog o' mine, again. For a little while, at least.

You see, the marked fall-off(s) in my attention here over the years have always been due to having pesky jobs that required me to do some actual work at them. Hence, no time to talk about the bullshit du jour that may be amusing.

But, hooray recession! (Not really.)

Today is my first day being unemployed, as the show I work/worked for is on an unpaid hiatus that'll last at least two months. Furthermore, due to MASSIVE budget cuts, I can't really count on my old job being there when it returns in the Fall. Sometime during my busy weekend of panic attacks and suicide fantasies, I decided I may as well start up here again. It'll be a nice reprieve from tracing my veins with an Exacto Knife. But, let me tell you, as soon as I get that second interview to be the Assistant Night Manager Trainee at FedEx Kinko's, I'll likely vanish again.

For now though, I'll be posting here daily-ish, just to distract from the terror of having no job and no prospects. Talking shit anonymously in a forum where I have zero accountability provides a brief distraction from the terror of my new reality: Drinking whatever imported beer is on sale (*shudder*) while I watch TV all day-- and mind you, I had to cancel Showtime. Have you ever had only one premium cable channel? It's ghastly.

For now, I'm off to see what awful jobs are out there, so I can talk myself into applying anyway, just to feel like I'm doing something, anything. I never thought I'd be Googling "taco bell careers;" and yet, here we are.

Kill me in the face.

Things with More Appeal.17

2008-02-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

So, I've been neglecting you, reader. However, this is only because there really hasn't been anything worth talking about for a couple of weeks, other than politics. I have enough sense to know that the only way to make this blog any worse would be to expound on my political allegiances, and I'd only reveal my ignorance further. As tempting as it is to have my very own nothing-but-spin-zone feature on here (perhaps I could title a weekly series The LTNA Variable!), I decided to revisit my erstwhile-turned-sporadic "weekly" series. Indeed, here's something that I like, which I now bequeath to you, my cuddlecub: Metalocalypse.

This show, unlike some of its suckfest brethren of the ADD-stoner eleven minute cartoons of [adult swim] (Squidbillies, 12 oz. Mouse, Robot Chicken), helps keep the average quality level of the [adult swim] lineup above board, along with other jewels like The Boondocks, for which I have already expressed my profound love in previous entries.

It's about a death metal band called Dethklok, and I'm not going to tell you much else about it. All you need to know is that the humor of the show has little or nothing to do with death metal, so don't be reluctant to check the show out just because metal isn't "your thing." Besides, it's by Brendon Small, who has proven he doesn't suck plenty of times in earlier works. So, fucking watch it.

Who needs a taste?

What the Fuck?

2008-01-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

Heath Ledger

1979-2008

This shit is fucked up right here. Renfro last week, and now this? In case you somehow haven't heard, Heath Ledger was found dead in a New York apartment a few hours ago. The apartment may or may not have belonged to Mary Kate Olsen, and judging by the pills found near him, this may or may not be a suicide. Also, he may or may not have been found naked according to the New York Times blog (at least, the post that's up right now), but that really does sound like the kind of thing someone mean would throw into the flurry of reports just to make things sound even more fucked up.

If there's anything to that superstition about deaths/bad shit shit coming in threes, the third person in this sequence had better damn well be someone who sucks. Maybe French Stewart has some little known oxycontin habit or something? Let's hope so, because the non-sucky semi-attractive boys dying is killing my buzz.

Virgins Computer Experts Agree with Me

2008-01-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

Much of the geek world had multiple dorkgasms earlier this week, when Apple announced it's latest toy, the Macbook Air. I, too, was pretty impressed with the sleek new laptop. At first.

But, upon viewing their informational video, I began to notice several things that the notebook is lacking-- really basic shit, like more than one USB port and, oh I don't know, a fucking disc drive? Indeed, I suppose the lack of a disc drive is somewhat explained away by the very ethos of the Macbook Air. Still though, it would be nice to have the option. If you're bringing this thing on a plane and want to watch a DVD, you're pretty much fucked unless you bring additional equipment.

By the very end of the guided tour, I was left feeling that the product was, quite honestly, another bullshit boondoggle by Apple. Steve Jobs, the world's richest premature ejaculator, blew Apple's load too quickly on this release, yet again. They released a product that wasn't entirely thought out, in the hopes that the niche market of suckers with fuck-you-money who waited on line for days for their iPhones would fall for it again. They will.

I dared not utter this to my friends who were already placing their pre-orders for one, but I'm glad to say that the nerd authorities seem to agree with me. I've said it before and I'll say it many more times: Never by a first generation Apple anything. I happen to be in the market for a laptop, but I'd rather spend my money on Asian hookers and cocaine than this mess. Oh, who am I kidding? I was planning to do that anyway.

Who's Going to Steal My Speedboat Now?

2008-01-15T19:53:00.001-08:00

Brad Renfro

1982-2008

Brad had a pretty rough go of it in recent years, and was found dead today at his home, here in L.A. The cause of death is still unknown, but who are we kidding, it'll probably be an OD on black tar H. Or, who knows, maybe he went with the classic speedball.

Poor guy. It's too bad it had to be someone with real potential, instead of Lohan or one of those other drug addict cunts. Bummer.

Iowa Caucus an Easy Way to Make a Grown Man Cry

2008-01-11T16:33:00.000-08:00

"Pundits" (I loathe this word) are still chattering about Hillary Clinton's surprise reach-around win in New Hampshire after Barack Obama proved Iowa has jungle fever.

Truthfully, I don't really have much to add to the fray, if anything. I will say that I consider myself an Obama girl, since I figure my black card trumps my chick card. I will also say that Hillary, though, was much more endeared to me when she put her proverbial dick on the table and nearly wept after losing in Iowa.

Of course, the speculation is that NH agreed, and 62% of those polled said her "less cunty" side seemed to give her the edge she needed to win there.* Evidently, all everyone has been thirsty for this entire time is to see this bitch cry. Apparently, when your husband gets a blowjob from a White House intern inciting national attention and his impeachment, that's just an "oh, brother!" moment. You're full of surprises, Hilz.

*Source: My ass.

I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills

2008-01-09T23:00:00.001-08:00

Happy new, bitches. Let's get down to binniss. It's been about thirteen seconds since my last self-righteous rant, after all.

Okay, so the writers' strike rages on. Kind of. What really seems to be happening now is the picket lines shuffle on outside the monsters' headquarters, and late night television has been the first real prostitute of the stalemate between the WGA and ~~NAMBLA~~* AMPTP.

About 80% of the shows I give a shit about and watch with any regularity are considered "late night," so I took note when Carson Daly's show came back to air in December, despite the strike being fully on and poppin'. "Took note" does not mean "gave a shit," because, let's face it, no one watches/likes Carson Daly or his show. Nonetheless, I assumed it was an anomaly and actually sort of figured it was the producers' way of preventing people from getting laid off, more than anything. No big deal. Even with writers, it's not like Last Call is the cream of the crop in late night, anyway.

So, I was pretty mothersucking cockshitting surprised when Conan announced his return, sans writing staff, and was rendered speechless (almost), when my other two heroes, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart announced the same, shortly after. I assume that all of these betrayals were a direct result of AMPTP pressures on the talk hosts, much like a pederast pressures an 8 year old into undesirable rumpus room shenanigans with chidings about "not being a very good friend."

At the same time, my curiosity was piqued, and I was interested to see what I naively imagined would be 98% improvised versions of my favorite shows. I will announce, at this point that, that I am not addressing Leno in this tirade because, apparently, my self loathing is in fact not bottomless, as I have not subjected myself to a in medias strike episode of The Tonight Show.

Well, I've seen the so-called "unscripted" versions of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, ~~The~~ A Daily Show (with the definite article altered, apparently in acknowledgement of the show being not-quite-the-same without its precious and beloved writing staff), and The Colbert Report (now pronounced phonetically, apparently in acknowledgement of the show being not-quite-the-same without its precious and beloved writing staff). I hereby call bullshit.

The only show that gets a pass is Letterman's, in this late night strike-sabotaging revival. He struck a deal with the WGA to come back with his staff, a luxury afforded only to him and his other show, The Late Late Show, admittedly. This is the kind of thing, though, that I think could help the strike, by galvanizing the suits to offer a fair deal to the writers through an almost grassroots (in ideology, at least), spread of progress through smaller companies making shit happen, the way Worldwide Pants did.

However, the others, my heroes, came back 100% as scripted as Letterman and lied about it. The main difference is that they are scripted poorly. The shows are nearly identical to the product put out before the strike, aside from obligatory and sheepish references to the strike by the hosts, and a clear fall off in the quality of the jokes. Basically, the shows are back. They're just wack. Jokes fall flat. I swear to God I have not been watching Seussical.

The hosts are clearly torn between putting on a good show and remaining loyal to the strike's cause (which equals putting on a shit show that was written badly to mask that it was written at all?). My feeling is, though, once you're back on the air, your loyalty has been forfeited-- particularly if you're keeping up a farce of putting on an "unscripted" show.

Indeed, Stewart and Colbert both decidedly do not have their customary scripts with them at their desks, to scribble on and shuffle pages for comedic effect. That means fuckall, though. I can see your eyes moving over the cue cards, man. The jig is up.

Some might say that I'm being unreasonable in expecting these guys to adhere to the tenet of having an unscripted show, that of course they're expected to be prepared for their shows. They do have an audience to entertain, after all. Well, I say to you, sir, there is a big difference between preparing and rehearsing, between planning and writing. What these shows are doing is so clearly the latter, in all cases, that it is simply insulting to try to claim otherwise. Face it, the only honorable move is to refuse to come back without a fair deal for your writers. Also, I add to this argument, fuck your mother.

*I am aware that this NAMBLA joke is a rip-off/reference to one of the first jokes that Jon made during the first episode of A Daily Show. I'm trying to be poignant, douche.

In Case You're Stuck at Work Today Like Me...

2007-12-26T09:12:00.000-08:00

Perhaps Mr. Colbert can bring a smile to your face. I've been cracking up over this clip since it first aired on TCR in September. 100% tits.

Fucking Irish Car Bombs

2007-12-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

You may as well know I drank way too much last night and am in no shape to do a proper post today. So, you're left with whatever video I feel is entertaining enough to syndicate here on LTNA, for the time being.

Thusly, enjoy the compilation below of America's most famous convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. Happy xxx-mas, and good luck suppressing the urge to punch your dad in the fucking face. After all, that's what the holidays are really all about.

I'll be back on December 26th, undoubtedly as hungover and miserable as today. It's a Kwanzaa miracle!

Maybe I Should Just Declare It "Dumb Slunt Week"

2007-12-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

There's not a whole lot going on today, other than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby daddy potentially being charged with statutory rape and Britney Spears' fuck up du jour. I decided to go with the latter. I figure it's Britney's turn.

It looks like Britney will not be getting more time with her two ugly ass kids. Because she no-showed at a court appearance last week, Fed-Ex gets to keep primary custody, and BritBrit remains under the yoke of supervised visits.

Apparently, when Britney called in sick last week, she had her court ordered deposition confused with a job at Jack in the Box. I'm glad that the judge is throwing the smackdown and letting this cunt know it doesn't work like that. How lazy can she be to blow off a hearing which would determine her custody of her frickin kids? Furthermore, I'm black, so for me to call someone lazy, well, that person has to be pretty goddamned lazy.

So, until the next hearing on February 19th, those boys are only going to be secondhand smoking daddy's brand of cigs. Welcome to flavor country!

Another Day, Another Dumb Slunt

2007-12-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears' little sister, has managed to out-slut her train wreck of a big sis. JLS is knocked up at the ripe old age of 16. Supposedly, she met the baby daddy in church. You could not write anything that rich, if you tried.

What a stupid bitch. Even Paris Hilton manages to remember the take the fucking pill. Paris Hilton!

Still, this is by no means a shocker (although I'm fairly certain a shocker or nine was involved in this happening); but, it is a tiny bit surprising, nonetheless. I suppose this is only because BritBrit has managed to reach heretofore undreamt of heights in retarded trampdom, so one never expected that her little sister would manage to match her fuckedupedness-- let alone surpass it with such zeal.

Bravo, Jamie. You get a 40 defective condom salute for your achievement. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know BritBrit 2: Y'all Harder was never using any condoms in the first place, "since you only get pregnant if you open your eyes."

Happy Chris Farley Day

2007-12-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Chris Farley
February 15, 1964 - December 18, 1997

Ten years later, and I still miss ya buddy.

Dumb Slunt to Continue Making Gauche Cuisine

2007-12-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

Rachael Ray just closed a deal to continue annoying the shit out of people for two more seasons, reupping her contract with the Food Network. Her crapfest show, 30 Minute Meals will be on for at least 120 more episodes, not to mention a new show that'll be starting in January called Rachael's Vacation wherein we get to watch her gorge and orgasm from pie, dick and dick pie-- but now, in distant and exotic locales! This will be a nice change from the parking lot behind Fatburger, where she normally gobbles some "delish" dick.

Some people would say that I'm being a bit harsh for thinking Rachael Ray is an annoying whore. But, those people would be wrong. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.

Leno Resolves to Be Lamer Than Ever in '08

2007-12-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

It looks like we'll be back in the Cone Zone by January 2nd, since Late Night with Conan O'Brien will be returning to the air, whether the writers' strike is over by then (it won't be), or not. In case you're 60 (congratulations on learning how to "surf the internets"), and therefore have no idea what real comedy is, Jay Leno's piece of shit show will be back on too. NBC made the announcement yesterday.

No one is really sure what the shows are going to be like without writers, but the executive producers of both have faith in their hosts. I agree that if anyone can pull it off, it's Conan. As for Leno, I can't imagine that show sucking any more than it already does, but I guess we're going to see it happen pretty soon.

The stigma and hecklers Carson Daley faced when his show came back prior to the strike ending is unlikely to be a problem for Conan and Leno, since they've been paying staffers out of their own pockets after everyone was laid off. Essentially, people realize that they need to put their shows back on because non-writers need their jobs back. Granted, the writers need their jobs too, but I think it's fair to assume they're able to stick things out a bit longer than, say, an assistant audience coordinator.

Letterman is trying to get back on the air too, but he's trying to do it with his writing staff, and is requesting an interim agreement from the Writers Guild. Yeah fucking right, Dave.

Happy Fucking Holidays

2007-12-14T09:26:00.000-08:00

We are fully ensconced in the holiday season, and I have to admit that I'm totally gay for Christmas. My favorite holidays are Independence Day and Thanksgiving, but neither of those holidays affords me the opportunity to terrorize my friends with ill planned gifts and cryptic holiday cards. If you like the above, it's by an artist called Brandon Bird, and you can get them on his website. They're pretty much the best holidays cards ever.

In case you're one of the lucky ones whose last day before leaving for the holiday break is today, I just wanted to wish you a a sexy xxx-mas and a dipsolucious Kwanzaa. And, if you're one of the Chosen People...well, I hope your Chanuka was just swell. I'll be here all next week, unfortunately, but you can expect me to be drinking on the job even more than usual. Apologies in advance for those posts, which I'm sure will be even more incoherent than usual. "'Tis the season to puke on hoboes, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

Well, I'm off to fashion a belt buckle made of mistletoe. This weekend, I'm keeping it classy.

"This Post Came Prematurely" Or, "Things with More Appeal.16"

2007-12-13T09:34:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night, I went to a preview screening, as us Hollywood hot shots do. It was for a flick called Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I laughed my balls off. Clean off! Since the movie is a comedy, this is a good thing.

Speaking of clean balls (once you see the movie, you'll realize that segue was completely apropos), Jason Segel wrote and stars in it. Since he's always played the "best friend" character in everything from Freaks and Geeks to Knocked Up, I wasn't sure what to expect from him in the lead role-- particularly one he'd written for himself. I'm happy to report he came through, and I can't wait to see what's next for him. But, I'm still not going to watch How I Met Your Mother.

FSM is the next R-rated comedy slated to be released from Judd Apatow's company, Apatow Productions. Right now, it's set to come out May 30th next year. I realize that's ages away, so it's quite the blogtease to be posting about this movie now. Still though, the release date means that once everyone is tired of repeating lines from Walk Hard, Sarah will be out just in time to give moronic frat boys something else to reference when they're taking breaks from blowing each other.

The Apatow connection is more than enough street cred to get a lot of asses in the seats. But, in case you're a re-re and that still isn't enough, Paul Rudd, Bill Hader and Jonah Hill are in it too. Oh, and if you have a heterosexual penis, that bitch from Veronica Mars is in it as well, along with Meg Griffin. Plus, Liz Cackowski of Jeannie Tate fame! Freakin' sweet, no?

Next Stop: Stretch Mark City

2007-12-12T09:39:00.001-08:00

Jessica Alba is knocked up. The culprit is long time boyfriend Cash Warren, which was a surprise to me, since I heard she'd dumped him a few months ago in a really tasteless way. Beyond the initial surprise that Alba is preggars, let alone by Cash (it takes all of my fortitude to bring myself to type the name "Cash" without punching a baby, every single time), this story loses any semblance of being interesting. It's just really hard to care about anything that happens to these people for more than four seconds, and even then I was phoning it in.

On that note, here's a link to a somewhat amusing "Best of" Craig's List post. It's hump day bitches. Time to get fucked.

Ain't Shit Going On Today

2007-12-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

As indicated above, there ain't shit going on today, so I don't have anything worth talking about. So, you know what that means: Video post!

Herewith, please find the gayest thing since gay sex, posted below for your enjoyment. I hope your Tuesday glitters, girl!

So, Is This the Next MySpace Facebook?

2007-12-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

LinkedIn, the social networking site no one has ever heard of, is not to be disregarded as bullshit, according to to Biznass Week. Now seems like a good time to mention that the two companies are partners.

Anywho, LinkedIn wants to establish that they are far from being buried by Facebook and are not has-beens. Personally, I think of it more as a never-was, but you know, tomayto, tomahto.

Indeed, Nielsen numbers are supporting their whining, and show them to be growing at a faster rate than Facebook. However, it seems to me if 98% of the world is already on Facebook, it's sort of inevitable for growth to slow, after a while. LinkedIn's attempt to stay relevant is centered around adding a bunch of modules and other nonsense to personalize your page. I'm not on Facebook, but I'm pretty sure they do the same exact thing. Still, now would be a good time for LinkedIn to try to get themselves out there, since Facebook is getting some bad press, lately. If I were LinkedIn, I would just focus on distinguishing LinkedIn as different from Facebook and the rest, simply because it serves a very different purpose:

"Facebook is mostly for socializing with people you already know, while LinkedIn is for meeting people you don’t know, for professional purposes, through people you do know."

However, this was a mere parenthetical in the article, and glosses over the one thing about the site that makes it somewhat interesting. But, what do I know? I'm just a dumb semi-anonymous Blogger Blogspot blogger who falls into the exact demographic to which these networking sites must appeal in order to survive.

A Bullshitty Post to Start Your Friday

2007-12-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

Remember that job I have that prevented me from writing this blog on any consistent basis over the last two years? Well, I still have it. And, writers' strike or no, I have shit to do. Lists of songs about cocaine aren't going to compile themselves, you know. (Seriously. That's what I'm doing. Ah, Hollywood.) So, in lieu of a real post, I'm pulling the old video blog trick out of my back pocket, and phoning it in with the below. The best part is the newsroom reaction, and the snort off camera. Happy Friday chippies.

Don't Drop the Soap

2007-12-06T09:19:00.001-08:00

It looks like Kiefer Sutherland really is going to the slammer for his latest DUI, which he got in September. Surprisingly, he doesn't seem to be taking it like a fucking bitch, and checked into a California jail last night, right after he received his 48 day sentence.

On the one hand, this does make him seem kind of cool for deciding to man up and just take his punishment, rather than pull the celebrity card. On the other hand, the celebrity card is in its own stratosphere of bullshit and shouldn't exist in the first place. This is simply an instance of (apparently) equal treatment under the law, regardless of wealth or fame. I hardly see how things happening the way they always ought to is worthy of applause, but a lot of people seem to be reacting that way. I guess we're just so used to seeing stars get away with murder-- literally-- people are happy to see a smidge of justice.

I don't give a shit about 24, but in case you're a fan, 24 won't be affected by Kiefer's stint in the clink, mostly because of the writers' strike. The strike put the season premiere on hold, and since they'd only shot 8 episodes before pushing the season start date and halting production, Kiefer's term will be completed and his anus should be fully healed before shooting resumes. Yay.

Kurt Loder Liked It Too

2007-12-05T09:40:00.000-08:00

I saw Juno this weekend at a screening which was pretty sweet, since I had assumed I would have to wait until it came out to see it. I stumbled across this review by Kurt Loder this morning, which I read mostly because I was curious to read something/anything by Kurt "Droppin' Lodes" Loder, whom I remember from all those years ago, back when I still wanted my MTV. He liked it.

And, I'm here to tell you that I agree with him, so you should go see it. Kurt's review is pretty much right on point with how I felt about the movie, particularly in terms of pointing out the flick's weaknesses. There aren't many. And we both agree that the final scene is impossibly cute. Mind you, this is coming from someone whose typical response to anything "cute" involves lye and a machete, so kudos to Diablo Cody for writing something adorable that didn't result in me getting another restraining order. Plus, DC used to be a stripper, so she's got some serious street cred points, not to mention a gutter mouth rivaling my own. Pretty cockfucking impressive.

Moving on. I will confess that I'm a film school graduate, so I do have a higher tolerance than many for "independent" films (which, admittedly, is becoming an increasingly dubious term). But, I also feel that there's a certain sameness to every indie trailer that comes out, rendering them all identical, in a strange and obnoxious way. Luckily, Juno as a film breaks out of those confines and turns out to be a genuinely funny, slightly raunchy, well written, directed and acted movie. As The Lode points out, some of the dialog is just too crisp and self-awarely clever to be believable, and I found it detracted from some moments being laugh aloud funny. But, not every comedy is meant to be a knee-slapper, and this one succeeds without pandering for guffaws. Plus, it has George-Michael. So, check it out. It opens in NY and L.A. today.

And here's Diablo Cody's, a fellow Blogger Blogspot blogger's, blog. What I've read on it is not all that interesting, but it sure beats LTNA, as all other things in this world do. Also, she has a few promotional videos up for Juno with her and Ellen Page, who I'd never seen before in anything, but like a whole lot now. Almost as much as I like pork swords.

John C. Reilly to Embrace the Cox Inside Him

2007-12-04T09:46:00.001-08:00

To promote the upcoming flick Walk Hard, Columbia is having John C. Reilly tour as his character from the movie, Dewey Cox. This is pretty much the same exact technique that Columbia used with Will Ferrell, when he was making the rounds for Talladega Nights, which of course featured Reilly as his co-star. Sacha Baron Cohen also did this when he did the entire Borat press junket in character. I guess this ultra meta marketing technique worked so well they've decided to run the gag into the ground.

This time though, the farce will be even more involved, since "Dewey" will actually be performing live with the film's band, the Hard Walkers, in the "Cox Across America Tour," beginning tomorrow at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I'm kind of looking forward to seeing this movie. JC has proven his comedic chops as a second banana in film roles, and he's definitely the funniest character, Dr. Steve Brule, on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! [Sorry T&E, I love you guys but TGTTM was a much better show. (And Johnny Cakes Reilly also makes an appearence in the "Alliance" episode of Tom, fyi.)] So, it should be nice to finally see him "toplining," as we say in the biz. In the biz, we also say "biz," instead of "showbusiness," but it's just because we're too busy adjusting our Bluetooth headsets, abusing our assistants and doing blow for the extra syllables.

Anyway, speaking of my second favorite fictional doctor, Steve Brule-- the first, of course, is Dr. Spaceman-- here's a clip. Enjoy!

Friendster MySpace Facebook New Way to Stalk Friends Hot Shit

2007-12-03T09:51:00.001-08:00

Considering the amount of shit I've gotten lately for not having a Facebook account-- I keep trying to tell my peer pressurers that, while I am flattered, I am straight-- this story makes me extra glad that I've resisted persuasion. Honestly, if you're spending time actually forming an argument on why someone else is lame for refusing to join a stupid website that's a poor substitute for real interaction, you're the loser. Admittedly, I did fall for it when I was talked into joining MySpace a couple of years ago by a friend; but, now that MySpace's 15 minutes as THE "social networking" site du jour are up, I kind of like it. Now that no one's into it any more, I have to say The Space has gotten way less obnoxious for me somehow.

And now, it seems MySpace doesn't seem to spy on you quite as much as Facebook does, let alone report your activities on third party sites back to the friends in your network (even when you're not logged on to Facebook). So, MySpace is indeed looking like the less creepy option. Furthermore, Facebook will still log this information after you've gone through their unnecessarily complicated process to opt out of having your activities tracked-- which by the way, offers no comprehensive way to opt out of their user tracking program wholesale. In other words, there is no real way to tell them to knock off big brothering your ass. Score one for Friendster, MySpace and the rest, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, all of these networking sites are beyond brokeback and moreover, an extremely bleak harbinger of my generation's approach toward life, friendships and relationships. However, I regret to say these sites are here to stay, like herpes. I'm 100% more likely to delete my one account than I am to join an additional site, simply because the two years one particular site has to be all the rage has expired and the trend mandates that I join MyFriendsFace now, if I want to fit in. I've never been cool, anyway. Why start now?

Called It

2007-11-30T17:28:00.001-08:00

Just a little time waster for your Friday afternoon, when the work day just can't end quickly enough. I mentioned we'd probably see some more fun writers' strike-inspired videos, considering the latest developments in the negotiations. And, here's a new one, right on schedule: Check out this one from Late Night Underground, with an important message from Conan O'Brien. I particularly enjoyed Conan's rugged look from his "strike beard," which I've heard a few of the Late Night writers have been growing since the work stoppage began. It's especially cool since everyone knows Consie can't grow facial hair, and he quite clearly had to glue his pubes to his face for this bit. Way to be committed to the joke, Conan. You truly are the master.

As a former Late Night intern, I have to say this strike site has been extra fun for me, as a lot of the writers and staffers I know are featured in the videos, and seem to have been making the best they can of times... Until now, at least, when all Late Night staff were laid off as of the end of business today, because of the strike. *Sigh* Hang in there chippies! We're all hoping this will be over soon.

Strike Two

2007-11-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

It looks like the second attempt at settling the WGA/AMPTP negotiations has not succeeded, and talks are "on hold" again. This round only lasted four days, after the three weeks of mutual silent treatment between the writers and producers during the beginning of the strike.

Basically, the AMPTP is still trying to fleece the writers and give them an absurdly shitty deal on "new media" (you know, since the Internets just came out, and all), and the dorks seem pretty committed to standing up for themselves. I guess for many of the writers it's the familiar playground dynamic of Roger the Schoolyard Bully taking their orthopedic shoe money all over again, but this time they've got a little more self esteem. And lawyers.

On the plus side, I guess we can expect some more amusing videos to come out on that trusty new fangled intranet media communications system I heard about.

Gasp! "America's Mayor" May Have Been Shady During Extramarital Affair

2007-11-29T10:06:00.000-08:00

Oh, the possible scandal! It looks like there was some questionable accounting done during a period between 1999 and 2000, when the erstwhile mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani, is known to have been getting some covert stank on his hang-low from Judith Nathan. Nathan, of course, became his third and current wife eventually, but this is back in the day when Giuliani was, you know, ~~cheating on his second wife~~ "doing lotsa important mayor shit, damn bitch, you nosey, mind yo business" out on Long Island, where Nathan just happened to have a condo on the beach. This news comes just in time for the Iowa caucuses in January, so Giuliani must be thrilled.

There was "unusual" billing of eleven of the Mayor's trips to Southampton, wherein various travel costs were allocated to obscure offices and departments, including a so-called "Blumpkin Bureau," the "Getting the Mayoral Dick Wet Commission" and something called the "I'm Having an Extramarital Affair and Using the City Budget to Fund It Office."

Naturally, when LTNA called to ask about this, Giuliani's aides' only comment on the matter was "Haaa? 9/11! [*click*] [*dial tone*]." The current mayor, Michael Bloomberg made accusations back in '02 that Giuliani used tactics like this to keep the budget for the mayor's office artificially low. Despite this, Bloomberg's office also refused to offer any explanation to the comptroller's office for the accounting, citing the landmark case of Bros v. Hos.

Things with More Appeal.15

2007-11-28T14:32:00.001-08:00

I've been trying to decide what to talk about today for a little while. I've been pretty ambivalent toward gossip fodder these days, which, of course, used to be the bread and vegemite of LTNA. But, I guess somewhere along the way I stopped giving a shit about any of it, and realized I probably never really did in the first place. After all, how many times can you tell that old joke about how when you stick your hand under Paris Hilton's skirt, it feels like you're feeding a pony? Seventy three is the answer, and in my two and a half years of zealous, turned sporadic, turned absent, turned semi-zealous again writing of this blog, I have reached my quota.

Still, I do like to think of this as an entertainment and showbusiness-oriented virtual soapbox, or "demiblog" if you will, so that explains the nonsensical hodgepodge of miscellany in the recent posts you see below. And, in keeping with that, here is a new installment of Things with More Appeal, on a Wednesday as LTNA tradition mandates. This week's Thing happens to be The Greatest TV Show of All Time: The Wire.

If you've never seen The Wire, do so. That's pretty much all I can say to you, because describing why is futile. Watching the show is the only way to give it its due justice, and my hackneyed praises would merely sully it's luminous splendor.

If you have seen The Wire, and simply didn't care for the show, that is repugnant and inconceivable, and you can get the fuck out of here. For real, son. I have a no re-re policy on this one.

It is nearly December, and the fourth season of The Wire is being released on DVD this Tuesday, December 4th. That gives you ample time to get that Netflix queue in order so you can catch up, in preparation for the 5th and final season, premiering Sunday, January 6th on HBO. Better yet, take advantage of some of the holiday sales going on and just buy the first four seasons on DVD if you don't already have them. I know HBO DVDs don't come cheap, but you won't regret it. And, if you do regret it, then you're a fucking imbecile and you have larger issues to handle.

I cannot tell you how much I've been looking forward to the conclusion of this show, but this post should give a fair indication. I'll be posting more about The Wire as we get closer to the premiere, and more news and videos begin to surface. There are already five teasers I've managed to find, so check out the ones for McNulty and Marlo if you're curious. Courtesy of YouTube, everyone's favorite content pirates, please find one of the teasers for the new season below, featuring everyone's favorite stick-up boy, Omar Little. While it's the most brief teaser of the five, the blue balls of anticipation it manages to build for the new season hurt so good, and make it a real success. So get ready to cough up some blood and enjoy!

Lord Emperor Google Is Benevolent

2007-11-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

Well, Google has done something else, and I'm sure the IT sect is going gaga over Google's latest announcement. In their continued acts of apparent kindness and innovation (and what I believe is really a strategic and calculated effort to catalog and index the entire fucking world and ultimately enslave mankind), Google is poised to offer free online data storage within the next few months.

Documents and information you would normally want to keep on your hard drive like music, photos, and you know, personal health* and financial records can now be put into Google's virtual hands, instead. Don't worry, they'll keep it niiiiiiice and safe for you-- and for free too! You know you were probably just going to lose it anyway. It's basically Chairman Google's way of extending the 2.8 gigs of storage already offered to Gmail users, to encourage the remaining skeptics to surrender to their will, or face the consequences. Naturally, "consequences" simply means inferior data storage options!

*By the way, Google's cryptically named "Weaver" is already their first step in ~~weeding out the weaklings so only the mighty will fill their army ranks when the robot war comes~~ cataloging our health records.

How Was Your Fucking Turkey?

2007-11-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

I hope you had a not entirely unpleasant Thanksgiving holiday, and that you weren't denied the four day weekend by being called into work. I almost was, but the evil boss' plans to screw me out of yet another day off were thwarted by a handy, albeit unimaginative, lie about being out of town. Hooray for dishonesty fueled by self interest! Plan B was pulling the race card.

LTNA's holiday was the customary celebration of corpulence, repressed resentment, friends and football. There was a bounty of bottles of beer, and plenty of pot-laced pastries pounded (pumpkin bars to be precise!), all of which apparently left me disoriented and in a Seuss-like dementia.

Of course, all of these were mere opening acts for the headliner: turducken (pictured). Yes, the friends with whom I spent my holiday decided to go even more balls to the walls than we have in past years-- which I will say have been truly impressive in their own rite-- and embraced the gluttonous spirit of the holiday threefold. Turducken, in case you aren't familiar, combines the glory of three different kinds of meat into one gastronomic masterpiece. The three meats, as you may have guessed, are of course turd, duck and chicken. Delicious.

Of course I'm being ridiculous. Turd is for vegetarians, and not qualified as a "meat." Turducken is actually a turkey with a duck shoved up its ass, with a chicken shoved up its ass. They partially de-bone each bird to achieve this, and adding a layer of stuffing (we went with cornbread) between each bird, just in case there was any doubt about this being the greatest invention ever.

I have to say I am now a turducken convert. There's no going back. I will no longer be slumming it with the plebes, choking down holiday dinners of birds stuffed with fewer than two other birds. In fact, I may have to continue to upgrade yearly, defying the laws of physics and good sense by adding yet another bird to the mix. Make fun all you want, but I'll be laughing last when I die laughing/of four simultaneous heart attacks in 2017, while feasting on turgoduckmaguikenantidgeonck. I imagine I'll be wearing a tiara.

?uestlove Redeems L.A. Only Slightly, Only Slightly

2007-11-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

My ears are still ringing from temporary (I hope) hearing loss, but it was worth it. Last night, I went to Crash Mansion in downtown L.A. for their monthly Soled Out Tuesdays show. It was my first time going, and I had good reason: The headlining DJ of the night was an up-and-comer by the name of ?uestlove. I know, I know. I'm just so "with it" you probably haven't even heard of this young chap yet. Allow me to elucidate.

Obviously, anyone who isn't a complete imbecile realizes The Legendary Roots Crew is perhaps the best live show in hip hop, like, ever. Furthermore, ?uestlove is easily the most recognizable member of the band, aside from MC/frontman Black Thought. ?uestlove is, in many ways, the linchpin driving the nonstop dynamism at Roots shows. When watching him at work, ?uestlove seems to be one with his drum kit, making incredibly precise and masterful ~~love to it~~ riffs with misleading ease. For the record, I can play like that too, you know. I just don't wanna.

Thusly, I had no idea ?uestlove had any DJ-ing abilities. After all, anyone who has seen him drum would likely agree he doesn't really need to pursue any other skills beyond playing the skins. What I'm saying is, ?uestlove is all set in the talent department. And, admittedly, there were a few hiccups here and there during his set. But, it was clear to all in attendance that precision was simply not the point.

?uestlove spun for nearly three hours, which is an indication of the "?uestlove just wants to have fun!" vibe of the night, and also echoes the customary habit of The Roots playing until they are forced off the stage by the venue management. LTNA was lucky enough to be right at the front the whole night, watching ?uestlove spin tracks ranging from Nas to Pink Floyd. Everyone was dry humping and head bopping in bass-driven ecstasy, most of all ?uestlove himself, wearing his trademark pick in his 'fro. Indeed, I was close enough to reach out and fuck his shit up! And, when the occasional mixing snafu did arise, ?uestlove merely grinned sheepishly and hurried to correct his error. In short, the decks are like ?uestlove's Russian whore of a gumar whom he fucks on the side in his spare time; but, we all know where he really puts his drumstick, at the end of the day. Still, he manages to give it to that strumpet pretty good, for what it's worth.

Toward the end of his set, there was an extended James Brown mix, complete with ?uestlove sharing some classic dance moves behind the decks that would make even The Godfather of Soul quite proud. I think I would have fainted from sheer delight if his entourage went all out and had someone bring out a cape to help him off the stage. A great time was had by all, no doubt. A great enough time that I can forgive L.A. for being a total shitbox, at least until I hear someone say something stupid.

The over/under is 43 seconds. Get your wallets out.

The Chili Peppers Are Slow on the Uptake

2007-11-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

The Red Hot Chili Peppers, everyone's favorite band for about two weeks in the sixth grade, have decided to sue Showtime/their awful, awful show Californication. I'm not entirely sure why this is just happening now, eleven months after we first heard about this show way back during pilot season. Perhaps Chili and the Pepps (as I like to call them), had figured they'd let it slide as free publicity for their 1999 album of the same name. That is, theoretically, until they actually saw an episode of this vulgar, crass, hacky, piece of shit show and decided it wasn't in their best interest to have any association between the two. And you know if LTNA thinks something is vulgar, it's got to be pretty uncle-fucking, pig shit, dead baby vulgar. Just sayin'.

"The band claim that the the title is 'inherently distinctive, famous ... and immediately associated in the mind of the consumer' with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Anthony Kiedis, the band’s lead singer, added: 'Californication is the signature CD, video and song of the band's career, and for some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right.'"

Yeah, the RHCP are pretty much right on this one, and I hope they win. I don't really think they need the money, and I'm not exceptionally invested in the principle of it all, or anything. Mostly, I just think the show is dreadful, and those hacks need to pay for wasting thirty minutes of my life on that pilot.

I had actually assumed that Showtime had gotten the band's permission in order to clear the title of the show before, you know, airing it. But, I guess I gave Showtime, and by proxy the Chili Peppers, too much credit for assuming they'd actually be on top of their shit enough to realize the blatantly obvious conflict in a more timely fashion. The show's hack writing staff also rips off the Peppers' song title "Dani California," with one of the characters sharing the same name.

Sadly, I doubt this lawsuit will do anything except go away or, at best, force Showtime to shell out some dough to make it go away. There are enough imbeciles out there to have made this show a big enough success for it to already have a second season pickup. On the plus side, the success of Californication (the show), gives me hope. After all, if perverted tripe written by hacks can enjoy that kind of success here in Hollywood, there's hope for LTNA too! Did I mention the people behind this show are goddamned hacks? 'Cause they are. Hacks, that is.

God. Fucking. Damnit.

2007-11-19T09:04:00.000-08:00

As a native New Yorker, I can barely express my intense chagrin over discovering what I missed this Saturday, when I was busy having another bullshit night in suck city, here in L.A. Long-time fan of Saturday Night Live that I am, I have lusted over actually attending a taping for years, and curse their cruel "lottery" ticket-giving system for never affording me the opportunity. But, this weekend's even liver than usual performance of SNL would have been the coup of coups!

The SNL cast (sans Maya Rudolph), plus some veterans like Horatio Sanz and Rachel Dratch put together a "too hot for TV" live show at UCB, where tickets originally went for just $20. But naturally, Criag's List ~~scalpers~~ entrepreneurs were selling tickets for as much as 3 hundo in the end. The proceeds went to benefit the crew who had been laid off due to the current writers' strike, which just makes Amy Poehler and the gang seem extra awesome for doing this.

The final "fuck you" on this vile cake of shit-LTNA-missed-out-on is that the host of Saturday Night Live-- No, Seriously, LIVE! was the adorable Michael Cera, whose enviable deadpan delivery has been enormously entertaining since his earlier days as George-Michael Bluth. The standing-room-only crowd was a motley crew including Lorne Michaels (who was not involved with the event), some of the aforementioned laid off staff members and, apparently, Jim from The Office.

So, yeah. As if seven years of living here still had me on the fence, L.A. is, indeed, a vapid wasteland for which I have bottomless contempt, and all the truly cool shit happens in New York. Confirmed.

Things with More Appeal.14

2007-11-16T11:14:00.000-08:00

Reunited, and it feels so...fair. Now that I'm "back" and all, I've decided to have my first post exhibit me phoning it in with my customary efficiency. You knew what this was.

To wit, I'm resurrecting the whole Things with More Appeal bit. It is marvelous filler, after all. I haven't decided if I'm going to be doing these often, or with any regularity. Nevertheless, we're off, with the first installment of TWMA v. 2.0. Time to get your dick wet!

This week's Thing isn't anything new, or at least it isn't anything new to me. However, I revisited it recently because it's f'in hilarious, and I was pleased to discover it held up on a second (and immediate third) viewing. It's a sketch called The Jeannie Tate Show about a crazy soccer mom who hosts a talk show from her mini van while she's running errands. Her guest is Bill Hader(!) from SNL, whom I lurve. I was planning to have his wife, Maggie Carey, destroyed so I could have him for myself, until I learned that she directed this sketch. A keen comedic sensibility can offset even my most bloodthirsy murderous intentions. For now.

You can check out some of her other stuff here, but Jeannie Tate is definitely my favorite.

So, enjoy!

I'm as Suprised as You Are

2007-11-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

Hey. It's been ages, huh? You look great. Really, really, great. It's so nice to see you. I know, I should have called. I'm sorry. It was hard for me too, okay? Look, I didn't come here to fight. I just thought, maybe we could, I don't know, give it another go. You know, pick things up again, like the old days. It was never you, it was me. I was married to the job. But, I'm ready to try again. I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and how things ended. I've missed you. I've missed your musk as much as you've missed my signature reach-around. Most of all, I...I still love you. Always have, my darling. I'm committed to this relationship, again.

Committed, at least, until I don't feel like it any more. Damn it's good to be back!

Kevin Federline Is a Great Actor

2006-08-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

Kevin Federline is going to be on CSI. Surely, this sort of stunt casting will help the series gain some of the precious street cred they've been lacking, as producers have ignored my letters suggesting a fourth spin-off series, CSI:Jersey-- not to mention my other letters suggesting they add a second black guy. (Perhaps I should stop writing my letters in crayon.)

In any event, throwing Federlizzle into the CSI mix is a lot like adding a second black guy anyway, so maybe they took my advice, after all.

"According to reports, Federline will play an arrogant teenager who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) while they are working on a case."

I'm sure playing "arrogant" will prove a challenge worthy of K-Fed's delicate acting abilities. After all, he certainly proved his acting chops at the Teen Choice Awards last week, when I was totally convinced he was a successful black rap star. I mean, I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but I was rubbing my eyes in disbelief over the apparent lack of melanin in my caucasian brethren's epidermis.

It's just a good thing he doesn't look a day over 16, instead of like a functionally retarded sexually potent wigger pushing 30. Yep, it's a good thing indeed.

Happy Birthday, Buck Futter

2006-08-25T12:20:00.003-07:00

Sean Connery turns 76 today. He doesn't look a day over 72, if you ask me.

That's nearly eight decades of poontang "tore the fuck up," as he would say undoubtedly. Or, maybe I'm thinking of Bill Bellamy...

Anyway, I'm going to spend my down time today (as if I have any), working on a mash-up of ~~Timbaland's~~ Nelly Furtado's hit song "Promiscuous Girl" paired with 50 Cent's "In Da Club," to make an entirely new hit song called "Promiscuous Septuagenarian Gentleman Partyin' Like It's Yo Birfday." It's going to be the song of Autumn 2006. Just watch.

Today's Lack of Images Courtesy of Blogger

2006-08-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

It's a strange day indeed when I'm left trying to decide between talking shit about K-Fed's performance on the Teen Choice Awards last night, vs. talking about Osama bin Laden's alleged obsession with Whitney Houston (not to mention his apparent enthusiasm for MacGyver).

With regard to the former, it feels like the K-Fed posts write themselves all too often. Where's the challenge?

Then again, since when do I go for anything "challenging"? And considering that even a loser like Paula Abdul "feels sorry" for Britney Spears because K-Fed's performance was that bad, I couldn't help but jump on the bandwagon with my blogging comrades and reaffirm that Federline's performance met all of my hopes of being impossibly shitty-- shittier even than the video quality of it here on You Tube. Just try to get past that smug fucker Dane "I Was Funny Four Years Ago" Cook at the beginning of the clip to Britney waddling out to introduce her greasier half. I promise you, you will be disappointed.

As far as the whole Whitney Houston/bin Laden angle, well... it just seems too random to be made up. I really don't even know what to say about it, except I'm looking forward to Kola Boof's thoughts on the elusive Suri Cruise, as well as the Kate Hudson/Owen Wilson "Are they or aren't they?" debate du jour. Maybe we'll really strike gold when Kola writes a book about bin Laden's obsession with Kevin Federline-- no, not because of his music, but because of his beauty.

Snakes on a Soundtrack

2006-08-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard Cobra Starship's theme song for SoaP, then you're missing out. Plus, just hearing about now it is so two weeks ago. Three, even. Loser.

The hot shit du jour is Cee-lo's song for SoaP, which you can listen to here. Just when you think this movie's mania cannot get any more ridiculous, it does. Ah well. I just ride the wave-- or snake, as it were. "Snakes on a plane," as they say, snakes on a plane.

Thanks to Best Week Ever for the link.

To Tide You Over...

2006-08-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Until I have time to write a real post again, my lovelies, enjoy!

1 Down, 4 to Go

2006-07-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the gayness of being in 'N Sync, paired with Lance Bass' actual factual gayness cancel each other out to make him the most heterosexual man alive.

Hmmm...

No. No, definitely not. That picture of him up there makes it pretty clear he's the gayest thing since gay sex. I must say I can't contain my delight over People's unabashed lack of eloquence in their choice of lede, though. Hilarious.

Puppy Perverts Gone Wild!

2006-07-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

Some pervert was caught on tape shoving a puppy down his pants in an effort to ~~screw~~ steal the pooch. The dog was worth over a grand, so at least we know this guy has expensive tastes when it comes to his sexual deviance/attempts at theft.

The tape is mildly amusing to watch, you know, if you're into that kind of thing. Sickee.

But, the thing that weirds me out about the clip is how the pet shop owner keeps referring to the pilfered pup (look ma, I'm Gene Shallot now!), as "the baby" and "our baby." I mean, yes, okay fine. Puppies are, indeed, "baby dogs," so to speak. Still though, for the purposes of comedy, I remain a huge fan of wholly unfounded and unwarranted accusations against strangers.

So, I conclude that the shop owner guy is just creepy enough to make me fairly certain he's shoving a few "babies" down his own pants. Prove me wrong, children. Prove. Me. Wrong.

Holy Spit Lube, Batman!*

2006-07-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that Heath Ledger is poised to make Christian Bale his bottom bitch in the sequel to Batman Begins. Indeed, he may be taking over the role of the Joker-- a formidable task after Jack Nicholson's unforgettable performance in Tim Burton's Batman.

According to the /film website, "Other actors which has been [sic] rumored to be in contention for the role include: Jude Law, Josh Lucas, Crispin Glover, Jake Gyllenhaal, Paul Bettany, Steve Carell, Robin Williams and Lachy Hulme." The thing about this list is just that these alternatives to Ledger make him seem like the obvious top choice. I mean, who the fuck is Lachy Hulme?

On the other hand, I will say Crispin Glover is a close second, since he's a Nazi-obsessed creep, as it is. Letting him prance about as a costumed murderer seems like a logical progression.

But, Steve Carell?! I like Steve Carell just fine, but "Steve Carell as The Joker" just seems plain wrong. If I saw that on a bus ad, I would swear I was being "Juiced."

Then, we have Robin fucking Williams. Now, I'll admit I seriously hate Robin Williams, so I am biased. However, regardless of where you stand on Robin Williams, I don't think anyone needs to see the Joker fall victim to Williams' total lack of range and go from vicious supervillain to gay preacher. Or whatever the fuck that character he always does is supposed to be.

Heath isn't an obvious choice by any stretch of the imagination, but even I'll admit his performance in Brokeback was totally gay (and I say that in a good way, not in a Robin Williams way). Therefore, if anyone from that list is fit to run around in a purple suit with an ascot and lipstick-- while remaining somehow menacing-- it's probably Heath Ledger.

Look out, Christian Bale: You're about to get fucked!

*I know I've made a "Holy [insert gay joke], Batman!" lede before. But, I couldn't resist a second opportunity. We all know I'm a one trick pony. Okay, maybe two. I do love my race jokes!

Britney Spears Is a Fan of Shere Khan's Work

2006-07-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

[Ed. note: I'm sure every other blog has already mentioned this today, but there really is fuckall to talk about these days. I couldn't think of that many funny things to say about Nicole Richie fainting, but "Britney Spears is stupid and fat" jokes are always in abundant supply, so either bear with me or just go somewhere else to read a good blog. Onward!]

Britney Spears continues to post asinine entries on her website, much to the schadenfreude delight of the non-retarded community. Her latest musing regards her apparent fascination with tigers.

Uh huh. Tigers. Foolish me. I thought "beach jewelry" was the topper for the week. I guess when it comes to the "Love B" section of her website, Britney spares not the tiger.

She says, "They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them." I'm not really sure that the phrase "sense of mysteriousness" is cogent to anyone with an IQ higher than "thiiiiis many" (now, picture Britney Spears holding up her hands with palms out and fingers spread widely), but at least BS can enjoy her new turn of phrase.

She goes on about tigers, adding "A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger." Um, okay sure. I'll do so, Britney.

I'm not sure what prompted this seemingly arbitrary missive about tigers. Maybe it's just that she finally learned the word "tiger" after years of calling them "those big Garfield-kinda kitties, but in, like, foreign countries, like um, Africa."

In conclusion, Britney Spears is stupid and fat.

Janet Jackson Makes Awesome Decisions

2006-07-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

Janet Jackson is holding a contest to let her fans design and then decide what the cover of her new album, 20 Years Old will look like. You can submit and vote on submissions here.

I've spent an embarrassingly large amount of my day going through the various submissions, and I have to tell you guys I simply cannot get over how great they all are. I mean, 70% of the designs are solid gold! I've posted a few of my personal faves out of the first 300 or so I've seen below.

Like this first one. It's especially great if the statement JJ wants her album cover's photo to make is "vaguely familiar-looking lesbian who might be that that chick we saw at Part-time Punks last week."

On the other hand, this one is a clear frontrunner in it's own right, considering the recent reports that Janet is thinking of changing the album title from 20 Years Old to What the Fuck Is That Shit Supposed to Be?

This next one is great for our friends over in the Land of the Rising Sun. Those two "X"s (or are they infinity symbols?) scribbled childishly in the lower right corner must be Roman numerals for "awesome." Ah so!

I'll be shocked-- shocked I say-- if Janet doesn't take this on! (Get it?) It just screams "not amateur!"

Then again, if the motif Janet's really looking for is "website from 1990," she'd be a fool to pass on a gem like this.

Or this!

But as I looked through more submissions, the clear winner emerged:

This one is simply like no album cover ever released before. I can't wait to see it plastered across billboards on Sunset when the album drops in September. Hooray for prostituting spec designers!

Oprah Likes a Full Bush

2006-07-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

"Oprah Winfrey Says She Is Not Gay" has to be one of the funniest headlines ever.

I mean, despite the picture at left, where she looks like a textbook BD, I've never really thought Oprah was gay before. You know, sort of like how I never really thought Satan was gay (at least, not until South Park suggested it). It just never crossed my mind that she would take her attentions away from world domination to think about poontang.

It's also amusing to me that she has to do the whole "I don't lick carpet-- not that there's anything wrong with that" tour, simply because she seems to be abnormally close to her BFF, Gayle King. But, I guess none of us can ignore the hard evidence: You can't spell "Gayle" without G-A-Y.

Developing...

Brit-Fed Only Want to Look Like They're on Welfare

2006-07-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

Even though Britney Spears got pregnant almost immediately after birthing her first fucktard, she doesn't want you to think that she won't be making a glorious comeback after she shits out her second. She and K-Fed fully intend to have their music careers reach the impossible heights of their talents.

Indeed, Britney says "After this baby, I'm going to get intense with it." I'm not sure what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like a threat. Regardless, I'm pretty sure she's setting herself up for some serious fucking disappointment.

K-Fed, on the other hand, seems to be continuing to prove he is a mastermind of living off the rich without deserving it, amassing a whopping $700 Gs in the last four months, supposedly.

"[K-Fed 'earns'] an estimated $250,000 for endorsing clothing line Blue Marlin and $25,000 per day to hawk such products as Virgin Mobile cell phones, where he made his infamous plea to save the penny. He's negotiating to sign a deal with Jive Records, which happens to be Spears' label, for $300,000 per album, and he also hopes to bring out his own line of jeans and beach jewelry."

Yes. "Beach jewelry."

Of course, considering that Britney Spears is seemingly incapable of remembering to take a birth control pill every day (or "I-don't-want-no-babies-no-more pills," as she calls them), I'm going to start taking bets that she'll be knocked up, yet again, by 2008. Too bad for Britney they don't make Ortho-Tricyclen in Flintstone's chewables.

Michael Douglas Is the New R. Kelly

2006-07-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

During a recent day at the beach, Michael Douglas was stung on his back by a jellyfish, and had his son piss on his back. Quoth Douglas, "I don't know if it helped at all, but my son was happy."

I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be happy, once offered the opportunity to piss on Michael Douglas. But, I guess this is one pleasure bestowed upon blood relatives, only.

More to the point, I think we all know having his son piss on his back had nothing to do with this supposed "jellyfish," but, rather, is one manifestation of Michael "Golden Shower" Douglas' many perversions. Sure, I've heard of the whole "pee pee cures jellyfish stings" helouise approach to the problem, but look at Michael Douglas up there. Dirty old man. I can only imagine what his "cure" is for a dog bite, or a stab wound. That's right: doo doo butter.

Pretending to Be a Video Blogger Is Way Too Easy

2006-07-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm so gonna slack on you a third post in a row and put up video. But, this is the best video post, yet. It's pretty much the best part of the first installment of Chappelle's Show: The Lost Episodes, which started airing Sunday. I've already watched this particular sketch a bunch of times, but just in case you missed it, here it is.

Gawd, this is so much easier than, like, real blogging. Learning to embed is the best thing that ever happened to me, and the worst thing that ever happened to those who come to LTNA for the writing. Fortunately, there aren't any of you who come here for my pathetic attempts at wit, so everybody wins!

On the Other Hand...

2006-07-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

This may be the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Germans Love This Douche Bag?

2006-07-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

All I can say about this is that this is pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen.

Kill Yourself

2006-06-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Just fucking do it.

Another Doherty Post. Deal with It.

2006-06-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

Look, you're just going to have to put up with me doing two Pete Doherty posts inside of one week, because he's simply the greatest fuck-up since Ozzy in his glory days. And, unlike Ozzy, he's clearly not done yet. Besides, it's my blog, and I'll run it into the ground (even more) if I want to.

Despite the still ongoing nature of Pete's tomfoolery, it seems that his diary is going to be published. I suppose anything that happens after this diary's publication simply means we get to look forward to a sequel.

As much as I can't wait to read this shit, I'm pretty surprised that he found time in his busy skagg shooting schedule to write in a fucking diary with any regularity. (I know! What a pussy!) Still, I'm happy to read the inevitably incoherent ramblings of Doherty, spanning from his time in The Libertines, up through and beyond his time dating Kate Moss. Hopefully, he was still clever enough in his drug-induced haze to protect her privacy with an indecipherable alias, along the lines of "Kate M." Or, perhaps he came up with an even tougher code to crack, calling her something like "K. Moss," instead.

In any event, I recommend this book become mandatory reading material for all youth drug prevention programs. Hell, if I were running a D.A.R.E. program, I wouldn't even need his book. I'd just put up any old picture of Pete on the wall, with a sign underneath that said "Don't let this happen to you." That would scare the kids straight, for sure... Of course, I would probably get really stoned in the teacher's lounge, forget my original intent, and would instead make a sign for the photo that said "Pete Doherty D.A.R.E.s you to rock!" with a bunch of smiley faces and rainbows, because I would think it was funny.

Gosh. I'm a total a-hole, even in my imagination.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

2006-06-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. Below, from today's Variety. Oh. My. Freakin. God:

"Former teen heartthrobs Corey Feldman and Corey Haim have teamed with RDF USA ('Wife Swap') on 'The Coreys,' a hybrid improv comedy that would center on fictional versions of themselves a la 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.'

'The Coreys' picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim -- single and the total opposite of Feldman -- as he shakes life up for the Feldmans."

I just read about this a couple of seconds ago, after debating all day whether I really wanted to go through with discussing Angelina Jolie's appearance on Anderson Cooper 360 last night. Clearly, I did not (although, the New York Times expresses my sentiments on the piece almost exactly).

But, just when I thought today would be relegated to the no-post void, I see what may be the best or worst news of my adult life. Or, rather, the life where I'm 23 and pretending to be an adult only when it is convenient to me-- namely, when I need to restock on champagne and the morning after pill. But, I'm getting off topic.

Any of my avid readers (of which there are none) already know of my enthusiasm for the Coreys, so forgive me for being so incoherent in this post. News like this always leaves me so charmingly befuddled! Well, I think it's charming, at least.

This show could, and will very likely, be deliciously catastrophic. I pray the newly acquired funds from their looming success allow the Coreys to resume their robust enthusiasm for coke and whores, not seen since their 80s heyday. Feldman has been clean for a good time, since he is a family man, or some shit. And rumor was Haim just got his act together some time last year. But, if this show takes off, we can only hope the coked-up as fuck and drunk as shit Coreys of yore will rise from the ashes of their crack pipes like the glorious phoenixes I know them to be. It's going to be a great '06-'07 television season!

Did He Put His Wang on the Bible to Swear in?

2006-06-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

The only thing hotter than a man in socks and sandals (oh, K Fed!) is a man wearing NO socks with leather oxfords and tapered jeans. Oh, and also the jeans are stonewashed. You can see this fact illustrated above, by George "I Make Men Wish They Had Vaginas" Clooney, posing seductively at his Section Eight offices. That smirk is from him relishing the seamless execution of one of his infamous practical jokes, no doubt.

GC's head-wobbling and mouth-twitching charms must've come in handy in French court, as Section Eight, his production company with Steven Soderbergh, was just awarded victory in a lawsuit against them. Some French screenwriter claimed they plagiarized Syriana from her script called Oversight. But, the judge was lost in Clooney's eyes, and missed everything she said. (In truth, I realize it's highly unlikely George Clooney ever had to set foot in court for this, but it's a lot more fun to pretend he did.)

Not only did this French bitch lose her lawsuit, she was ordered to pay $4,490 in court costs to Warner Bros. and Section Eight! 'Cause, you know, they really need the money. Besides, George Clooney got fat for that movie, okay? That fucking sucked, and 4 grand can never take away that anguish. Poor guy had to walk around totally un-hot for two whole months! Thank God/personal trainers he's back to his trim physique now.

I can just imagine good ol' Cloon-sey on the stand, posed exactly as he is above, shattering the plaintiff's case by simply blinking really hard a bunch of times during his testimony, that sexy way he always does. No, that's not a tick signaling some sort of nervous disfunction or Tourette's. That's nothin' but pure Clooney sexy sex juice.* Drink it down, baby. Drink. It. Down.

*Not to be confused with giz.

Is It Wrong That I Think He's Fucking Awesome?

2006-06-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

So, Pete Doherty was arrested (or "detained," or whatever) yet again for drugs. Babyshambles was performing at the Hultsfred Music Festival in Sweden, and the poe-leese ended up getting in Pete's grill after the show, because "he showed signs of being under the influence of narcotics." Um, duh.

For one, the picture above is from the very show we're talking about. You could put Donnie Osmond on stage looking like that and I'd have no doubt he was completely Yao Ming'd out of his gourd. Plus, IT'S PETE FUCKING DOHERTY. The man makes The Rolling Stones look like Girl Scouts. Gay Girl Scouts. (I'm not sure what that means, either.)

Then, when Pete missed his flight the next day (lost track of time during a busy day chock full of wholesome activities, including a tour of local haberdasheries, no doubt), he decided to hang around and went out to a bar that night... only to get into a fight at the pub and get bounced out, shirtless. (I've totally been there.)

Said one witness, "One girl was bleeding from broken glass on the floor. She went ballistic and Doherty started lashing out at people trying to sort the situation out."

I can't believe Kate Moss dumped his ass. Clearly, that bitch does not know how to party.

Best. Parenting. Ever.

2006-06-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

Copied and pasted from Atlanta's Action 2 News website:

Police Say Parents Give Kids Pot For Good Behavior

POSTED: 6:59 am EDT June 12, 2006

CHANDLER, Ariz. -- It's the case of the alleged Arizona pot parents.

Police in Chandler charge Toni and Aaron Carlson rewarded their sons with marijuana for good behavior. A police spokesman says they got a tip that the boys' mother, 31-year-old Toni Lynn Carlson and their stepfather, 23-year-old Aaron Carlson, were supplying the boys with marijuana.

Police that allege the also couple smoked pot with the boys. Police said the boys, ages 12 and 11, and a 4-year-old girl, are now in the care of a family member. Officers report they were investigating tips from a neighbor about the possible use and sale of drugs at the home. But investigators said they didn't know about the family pot smoking until the parents and their kids were interviewed.

A transcript of the police interview in which the family inadvertently incriminated themselves has also been released:

Coppers: Are you guys selling pot outta here?
The Dad: Like, no way, ossifer. That's illegal, dude. (winks at cop)
Copper: (beat) Are you high right now?
The Dad: Maybe a little bit from this morning... It was my son's idea.
Copper: What?
The Dad: Well, he did get a B on his math test, and all.
Copper: You smoke out your son as a reward?
The Dad: Like, yeah. Man. (beat) I mean, "no"?

I wish these people were my parents. Somehow, it not nearly as cool when your dad is smoking dope and doing rails off a hooker's ass, when he doesn't bother to invite you "because it's a school night." Prick.

I Refuse to Write About Shiloh

2006-06-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm really, really, really excited for Snakes on a Plane (a.k.a. Mutha Fuckin' Snakes on a Mutha Fuckin' Plane) to come out in August. Like, really excited. I mean, I can't really say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for Samuel L. Jackson's acting range, but his appearances in Coming to America, as well as recent episodes of The Boondocks, make it easier for me to overlook embarrassments like The Man and, more importantly, tip the scales back in his favor of being a "bad ass motherfucker," indeed. Plus, anyone who manages to get both Ghostwriter and Deep Blue Sea on the same resume will do pretty much anything for enough money, clearly.* And, even though-- or, perhaps, especially because-- the same can be said of a pre-op transsexual crack whore, I respect that.

But, I digress. The topic at hand is MFSOAMFP, being released August 18th. Any of you who went to see X3 will probably have seen the trailer for MFSOAMFP, and will know, as I do, that if the teaser trailer is any indication of the flick itself, MFSOAMFP is destined to be the Greatest Movie Ever. I mean, the trailer has already taken the title of Greatest Trailer Ever, for me at least (apologies to the Blow trailer for losing the title), and I can't wait to take just enough whiskey shots to be perilously close to alcohol poisoning and smoke more bowls than Clinton (come on, you know he totally does), on the night of the 18th. I mean, they can't possibly expect people to see this movie sober, can they?

Some writer guy (is my ignorance showing?) wrote a really funny post about MFSOAMFP on his Blogger Blogspot Blog nearly a year ago, when it was but a twinkle in New Line's eye. If you're too much of a lazy POS to read it, the best part is when he suggests using the phrase "snakes on a plane" interchangeably with mantras like "shit happens." An excerpt:

WIFE: "Honey you stepped in dog poop again. "
ME: "Snakes on a Plane..."
DOCTOR: "Your cholesterol is 290. Perhaps you want to mix in a walk once in a while."
ME: "Snakes on a Plane..."
WIFE: "Honey while you were on your cholesterol walk you stepped in dog poop again."

You get the picture.

Tee hee! I can't wait for the 18th!

*For the record, I am talking shit about the latter, not the former, by use of contrast in this line. I FUCKING LOVED Ghostwriter. And yes, I WILL fight you about it.

I'm Not an A-Hole, You Prick! I Have IED!

2006-06-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

It turns out that "road rage" isn't just road rage any more. Like everything else these days, it's actually a terrible disorder with a catchy acronym-- and, most likely, a prescription drug to deal with this "problem" in the works (perhaps Bastardil?). It's called "intermittent explosive disorder" or IED, and supposedly, it affects 7.3% of the population. No, this isn't an arbitrary statistic, Skepty McSkeptical. 18% of people would know that.

Road rage is just one of the many manifestations of this evil affliction. "A person can tell if they suffer from the IED [sic], if they show any or all of these symptoms for a prolonged time: throwing objects, aggressiveness, or property damage." Indeed, these symptoms are indicative of the probability you suffer from IED. Well, either it's IED or you're fucking wasted.

I'm really glad I've gotten to the bottom of why I like to spraypaint babies and bitch-slap octogenarians. All this time, people have just said that I'm a jerk-off, or a highly-functioning retard, at best. But now, next time someone yells at me for eating food off a strangers plate while walking by an outdoor cafe, then throwing a Mike's Hard Lemonade at the maitre d's head, I can say proudly "It's not my fault. I have IED!" Then, I'll drop-kick some kittens to prove my point. Yay for science!

HBO Slightly Less Cunty

2006-06-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

All you Deadwood fans should be happy to hear this. It turns out that all that business about the upcoming third season being the last is only sort of true, after all. HBO has given creator David Milch the go-ahead to make two two-hour movies following the third season, in order to wrap up all the loose ends (i.e. exactly who is and who isn't a "fucking cocksucker"), in the series.

Personally, I'm not really crazy about Deadwood. It sort of seems like HBO enthusiasts are divided into camps of die-hard Sopranos fans, and Deadwood-loving cunts. Mind you, I call you guys "cunts" with the utmost love and respect. (Not really.) Nonetheless, I fall into the former category, as you might have guessed, and am all about the Jersey saga that is The Sopranos. I'm not even going to acknowledge people who are way, way into Entourage.

Still though, I do enjoy me some Ian McShane. More to the point, I enjoy the drinking game I invented wherein every time there's a curse word on the show, I get to take a drink. If you've ever seen Deadwood, you can imagine that this is an extremely efficient method of getting sauced. It's also a great game because you can play it alone. Sometimes I'll play it without even watching Deadwood, or any TV show at all, just sitting in the dark in my apartment. No, it's not sad.

Oh, and here's a tip: This game also works equally well with Rome; however, instead of drinking for every swear, you drink for every time you're bored out of your mind. It's not TV, it's an excuse to black out.

It's Hard out There for a Moocher

2006-06-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

How's this for irony: Baby-machine Kevin Federline is insisting he wants his kids to work crap jobs, when they grow up, "to learn what a real job is, what life is."

After the unemployed back-up-dancing wigger money-sponge lit a Newport with one of Britney Spears' c-notes, he kept talking. He didn't seem to mind the muffling caused by having his foot way, way in his mouth. "You don't have it easy with me. Period. My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit." Well, at least this way Britney can get hooked up with a discount on her beloved chalupas (a traditional Mexican delicacy), after K Fed bleeds her dry, what with his Ferrari-driving, Grey Goose-chugging, not-having-a-job lifestyle. Then again, I guess making the worst rap music ever is kind of like a job.

I'm not sure if he means this for his kids with BritBrit only, or if he's also including his mulatto babies with Shar Jackson. On the other hand, this is probably a moot point, as those kids would probably end up working at Taco Bell, anyway.

Those Orphans Will Be Solly!

2006-06-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Liz Taylor's been in the news a lot lately because of her "I'm not dead yet" tour. The latest "news" is featured in this article, wherein she sticks up for Michael Jackson, yet again. She insists that she, too, has shared a bed with MJ, and there was "no funny business."

Ahem. The idea of Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor sharing a bed is so vile I have to agree: No, there is absolutely nothing even remotely funny about that scenario.

Why Taylor felt the sudden urge to defend Jacko, when no one has really brought up his, um, enthusiasm for sleepovers with prepubescent boys lately, I have no idea. Quite frankly, she's probably so doped up on Valium and champagne she doesn't either. More to the point, I don't care, and I was only reading this article in the hopes that there might be something vaguely amusing on a pretty slow news day. And here's when This Is London slips in the most interesting tidbit, amidst a melange of who-gives-a-shit:

"She has suffered two bouts of near-fatal viral pneumonia, a brain tumour, three hip replacements and multiple fractures of the spine. She also underwent two periods in rehab for addiction to alcohol and prescription drugs.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been touring Japanese orphanages looking for another child to adopt, according to U.S. reports.

The star is currently fighting his former second wife, Debbie Rowe, over custody of the two children she bore him."

Ever read Where's Waldo? Well, this is a lot easier than that. Hell, I'll make it even easier:

"Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been touring Japanese orphanages looking for another child to adopt, according to U.S. reports."

Now, when a blogger as immature as I am sees comedy gold like this, the initial reaction is an increased heart rate, paired with moistened palms and a sudden desperation for pot. My fingers begin to twitch above the keyboard as I start running through the rolodex of babyfucker jokes in my perverted mind. I try to decide how best to throw a joke about Asians into the mix, because we all know I'm an equal opportunity racist, and I haven't made any Asian jokes since the tiger pee incident. I'm due.

But then, I realize that it's all for naught. This is just one of those things where the truth is the funniest joke that can be made about the situation. It's comedic blue balls for any humorist, let me tell ya. And it happens all the time with the likes of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Courtney Love, Anna Nicole Smith... Well, let's just say it happens a lot. The writer could have at least tried not to phrase the sentence to make it sound like Jackson was essentially shopping for a new, young, son, who knows how to keep his mouth shut in front of welfare workers and reporters. Clemmie Moodie, you cheeky little monkey!

Still though, I thought I'd share that little piece of info. I'd love to see the look on the golden child's face, once selected, when he looks into Jacko's eyes (try not to look at the picture up there too long-- you'll start to itch and cry, uncontrollably and without explanation), and realizes that's the melting face of his new pederast daddy.

Aniston Brilliant Satirist, Not Horribly Tacky Bitch

2006-05-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

At a recent press junket where she was promoting The Break Up, Jennifer Aniston had reporters breaking up-- in laughs, that is! When asked if she was interested in "global issues," she answered, "No. I'm not interested in any of that." Naturally, the crowd erupted over Aniston's truly amazing, off-the-cuff sarcastic reply.

She added, "I just like to focus on me and my tabloid career." This obvious dig on the Namibia-loving new parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is, of course, in perfectly good taste-- especially since they just donated $300K to sick kids in Africa (or something), on top of all the other do-gooder shit they've been up to. Jen, on the other hand, went on Letterman, okay? So, put that in your orange and white UNICEF donation cardboard box and smoke it. Any douchebag can, like, you know, be against diphtheria or whatever, but Jennifer Aniston is in a movie, okay? And it's a romantic comedy. That shit takes talent, the likes of which we haven't seen since the glory days of Meg Ryan. Yep, Brad and Angelina certainly look like idiots now.

When one reporter followed up with "That's great, Ms. Aniston. But, no, seriously, what are you interested in? I mean, Angelina Jolie may be a crazy, heartless, homewrecking, walking id, but she distracts us from that by being hot and teaching AIDS orphans how to read. Or whatever. What exactly are your interests, aside from trying to make people feel sorry for you? Oh, and I guess also being frigid and bitter?"

Aniston faltered only for a moment before delivering her final zinger: "I have a lot of other interests. But, I don't need to tell you all my interests, but there's a lot."

NAILED IT! You go, Jen!

If You Thought "Reggaeton" Was the Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Reggae...

2006-05-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

What could be more irritating than Paris Hilton's chronic infestation of crabs (pictured)? Listening to Paris Hilton's "music," which she has been threatening to release for over a year. "When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most," says Paris. One would assume she's talking about competing in dick-sucking contests in that quotation. And, one would be right. However, in this instance, she's actually talking about her life-long love of singing.

[Heavy sigh. Massaging of temples. Exhale.]

Okay. Moving on.

It seems the first single is due out next month, and she's happy to say she'll be bastardizing music from a range of genres, "not just, like, you know, pop and stuff." Her first single, "Stars Are Blind," has a heavy reggae influence. No. Seriously.

Quoth Paris: "I like all music. It's not like I only like pop or only rock. I want to have something for everybody." Up to this point, DP gangbangs and herpes have been her means of having "something for everybody," but I suppose even Paris gets tired of Eiffel Towers. Get ready to envy the deaf in Summer '06.

Bob Dylan Is a Woman from Australia

2006-05-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

I've heard of stunt casting, but Jeeeebus. This is a new one.

Word is, Cate Blanchett is going to play Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic. She and four other actors will portray Dylan in the flick, including Christian Bale and... um... Richard Gere. Each actor will be Bob in a different guise at a different point in his life. Evidently, Dylan went through a shoving-gerbils-up-my-ass phase, at some point.*

The other two slots of the five Dylans are still open. I recommend Adam Sandler to fill one of them. (What's that you say? That Bob Dylan impression he always did on SNL was supposed to be funny, not historically accurate? Bah!)

Bizarrely, Blanchett is the one who most resembles Dylan out of the list, thus far. Cate is portraying Dylan in the movie in scenes from before his motorcycle accident in 1966. You know, when he still looked like a woman, according to scholars. Could this be director Todd Haynes' not-so-subtle way of saying Dylan's accident "cured him from looking like a fucking trick-ass bitch"? The answer is, obviously, "yes."

Perhaps Hillary Swank will be kind enough to lend Cate her stunt cock from Boys Don't Cry so Cate can really get into character. There's nothing sexier than an androgynous woman with a gigantic stunt cock.

Unless it's a gigantic black stunt cock.

*Did you really think I could get through a post that mentions Richard Gere without making a gerbil comment? I think we all know I'm way too hackneyed and childish of a~~n absentee~~ blogger for that sort of sophistication.

Personally, I'd Go with "Toby"

2006-05-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

It's not enough that "Brangelina" (I cringe every time I type that. Every. Fucking. Time.) are continuing this whole "we are the ~~philandering~~ world" tour to prove that they're better than us by living in Africa while also being impossibly hot. No, just to take it one step farther, those two have asked the Namibian Governor Samuel ("Samuel"? The fucking governor of fucking Namibia is named "Samuel"?) Nuuyoma (ah, there it is) to pick a name for their unborn kid. No, seriously:

"'When she goes to the hospital, as the father of the region, I will be informed and I will go there,' he said to Britain's Daily Mirror.

'I will announce the good news and I will be naming the baby.'"

So there you have it, kids. [Tounge-click Tongue-click] Jolie-Pitt is set to make his debut sooner than... well, sooner than you can make three whole tongue-clicks. Those Namibian AIDS orphans are gonna be sooooo jealous that [Tongue-click Tongue-click] was named by the Governor. But, at least the jealousy will distract them from the huge bummer of being an AIDS orphan, momentarily. And for that reason alone, I have to confess: Yes, I do believe in angels!

Oops, I Dropped My Infant on His Head Again

2006-04-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

Britney Spear's infant son, Sean Preston (pictured), is a perfect example of the type of kid who you will know was dropped on his head as a baby, once he gets a little older. This is, most likely, because SPS was, literally, dropped on his head, suffering a skull fracture. As fucked up as this may be, I know none of you can be surprised by news like this in the slightest. That poor kid never had an effing chance.

Evidently, he "fell" out of his high chair a few days ago, and was "sleeping more than usual" which prompted Britney to "realize" maybe "she" ought to "take him to a doctor"... SEVERAL DAYS after he "fell" from the "chair."

BritBrit and KFed were questioned by coppers after their son's injuries were diagnosed, but naturally, police will be taking no action against them. I guess gross negligence and child endangerment charges in repeated instances (lest we forget the recent "my baby don't need no car seat" incident) don't apply when you've graced the world with hits like "Slave 4 U."

Work Is Hard

2006-04-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

And evidently, it is even harder to keep foolish promises. But, I suppose that's what makes a promise foolish to begin with-- the inherent difficulty in keeping it. But, I don't want you to think that I don't want to dispense insults and observations rendered meaningless by a bravado born solely from the comforts of anonymity, updated twice daily. (Ah, the good ol' days!) Even this poor excuse for a post is strung together fiendishly, during rare moments of down time when I'm not getting some cunt her $14 salad "no tortilla strips, dressing on the side, please." It's really sad to think that a gig this shitty is still an upgrade from the last one-- except of course, in the blogging realm, of which there is now essentially none. Uh, sorry.

In any event, I did find time to write a blog last week, which is a lot more along the lines of all the blogs I hate; i.e., self-concerned. I always wanted this particular blog to be about anything except me. I didn't realize it would become so obsessed with Google's global takeover, but che sera sera. Besides, I prefer my narcissism manifest in ways much less trite (and in some ways much more trite) than a fucking blog. In this particular self-concerned blog entry, which you'll find syndicated below, you'll find out why I made this decision at the start. (Spoiler alert: It's because I suck.) Enjoy?

Computer Charlie / I Wish I Were a Retard

There's a guy who comes to my place of work once a week [usually on Fridays, but he is here today ("today" = Thursday)]. His name is Charlie, and he fixes our computers and resolves miscellaneous technical issues. Every week, the day before he comes in, they send out an email, and the subject line always says "Re: Computer Charlie." The emails are just to let us know Charlie is coming, and to therefore let our facilities guy know if we have any issues that need resolving. By Charlie.

Charlie is overweight, has receding hair and is a man in his late 30s to early 40s with fucking braces. He eats Peanut M&Ms by the handful and he chews with his mouth open. Charlie is also really, really smart-- at least when it comes to computer shit.

I am terribly jealous of Charlie. This is not hard for me to explain.

Because I've come to realize that the subjects upon whom I focus my jealousy have always been peculiar (to say the least), Charlie is just one of many people whom most others would not flatter with jealousy. I am jealous of Charlie because I glamorize and oversimplify his life. This is easy to do because it is so obviously different from mine.

Charlie doesn't have to give a shit about all the bullshit that I worry about and agonize over; and, because I have no idea what his bullshit is, I like to pretend he doesn't have any bullshit of his own. Charlie doesn't give a fuck if he's fat. Charlie doesn't give a fuck if he's bald (or, perhaps he at least doesn't mind too much). Charlie doesn't give a fuck if you think he looks ridiculous in braces, even if he is pushing forty... forty... I'm gonna say forty...two? This last "Charlie doesn't give a fuck if..." is the one most anchored in truth, because the very fact that Charlie has the fucking braces at his age is evidence that he weighed the probability of public ridicule and still went for it. (Such chutzpa!) Charlie is a computer guy, and he's fucking good at being a computer guy. And that's enough for him. As far as the fat/bald/braces/pure slob thing, he just says "fuck it all." Or, so I imagine. And that's why I'm jealous of Charlie.

But enough about Charlie. I'm even more jealous of retards. This is an even older jealousy than my jealousy for Charlie. You see, mental retardation is a whole new stratosphere of not giving a fuck. I don't mean Jessica Simpson retarded. I mean, a bonafide re-re. The source of this jealousy is the same deal as with Charlie, just more exaggerated. Imagine going through life not caring about social mores, people stealin' yo flava or even Bob Barker. Imagine not only going through life not caring about these things, but being largely unaware of them and their significance. Imagine not having any fucking idea what "significance" means.

Pee peed on someone's couch? And it wasn't covered in plastic? No problem. You won't even remember in about ten minutes. And people can't get pissed (no pun intended) at you for peeing on their couches, or just being an asshole in general, simply because you're a fucking retard. If they yell at you, then they're the assholes. Fucking sweet deal. I mean, do retards even have to pay for bullshit like rent? Or Pumas? Sure, maybe the sneakers provided to retards aren't Puma quality, but I often wear shoes with velcro as it is (yes, my fashion sense is already, quite literally, retarded), so it really wouldn't be much of a downgrade to have to wear them every day. Just sayin'.

Um. Hey.

2006-03-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

Yeah... So like, what's up? In the unlikely event any of you are dutiful enough to still be reading this poor excuse for a blog, I figured it was worth letting you know I didn't go with Plan A (you know, the one with the gold-plated blow dryer and the bathtub full of champagne) just yet, and I am still alive and twitching. That new job I mentioned has had me working 55 hours-- in a light week, meaning I am extremely pressed for time to do things like binge drink, regular drink, go to cockfights and blog. So, obviously, one of those things had to go, as a consequence. (Guess which one.)

But LTNA isn't dead once and for all, friend. (Somehow I suspect I am back down to that one lonely, loyal reader after my lengthy absence.) It's just not going to be daily any more. Most likely, it won't even be weekly. Sorry. I'm sure you guys are over it already, since I fucked off for a month already-- with not so much as a phone call! In any event, if you really are super bored three or four years from now, it might be worth checking out good ol' LTNA. There might even be an update by then.

First Alito, Now This?!

2006-01-31T10:35:00.000-08:00

Just when you think that the United States government can't be any more terrifyingly absurd, you read about a self-proclaimed vampire/ gubernatorial candidate for Minnesota (pictured) getting arrested for stalking and "escape." And, the guy's name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey. Bear in mind, this is the state whose current governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, is a former wrestler.

Sharkey gained national attention last month, with his platform of tax breaks for farmers, better benefits for veterans, and impaling terrorists in front of the state capitol. You know, the ususal.

Heterosexual Tom Cruise Refuses to Fuck Fiance

2006-01-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

Pictures of like this of Tom Cruise are such a treat for us ladies. They show us what a real man looks like. This photo (I like to call it "The Pussy Inspector") is proof positive of Tom's heterosexuality, and leads one to wonder why these pesky gay rumors ever began in the first place.

Anyway. Reportedly, Tom has stopped having sex with fiance "Kate" Holmes out of his ~~fear of vaginas~~ fear it could "negatively impact" the ~~nonexistent~~ baby. Putting aside the ludicrous and wholly untrue rumors that the two have never had sex in the first place because Tom is too busy having sex with men, I will say my sympathy goes out to Kate. So many women can only dream of a 5'4" couch-jumping vitamin-enthusiast trying to do you from behind with a paper bag on your head while insisting he call you "Ron," since that's the only way he can keep it up for more than 20 seconds.

Lucky for Kate, the no-sex-with-Tom is only temporary circumstance, and not a legally-binding permanent condition of a confidential agreement drafted by Tom's lawyers which doesn't exist. Isn't lurve beautiful?

Inappropriate, Amusing or Inappropriately Amusing Headline Round-up

2006-01-27T11:56:00.000-08:00

Call me crazy, but talking about new cancer drugs with the type of snappy language reserved for the Jack in the Box commercials seems like a bit of a faux pas.

Too easy.

[Amsterdam joke.]

And we have a winner! Quick, someone cue Clive Clemmons! INAPPROPRIATE!!!

gTunes?

2006-01-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

Continuing in their pursuit of world domination, the nerds at Google are developing an iTunes competitor of their own, with a beta version set to debut in 3-6 months. All the geeks seem to agree this is a logical step, following the launch of their media player back in September. Steve Jobs and the dorkwads, lamewads and other miscellaneous wads in charge over at iTunes shouldn't be the only ones nervous about Google getting into this already crowded game, even if they are, by far, the most successful service for music downloads, currently. Microflaccid, Crapster and others should also be wringing their hands. 'Cause Google is, like, really good.

We realize that for most people this isn't nearly as interesting as rocking out to "PopoZoa" ad infinitum. So with that, we encourage you to resume doing so, as we have been since yesterday. This is going to be the best album ever.

If You Thought BET Was the Worst Thing You'd Ever Seen...

2006-01-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

In an effort to reach new heights in poorly written and racially retrogressive programming, The WB and UPN have joined forces to create a new network, to be called "CW."

Once the mandatory brass knuckles are distributed, the network will air shows that are currently direct competitors on one unified network. (Sweet! No more choosing between Girlfriends and Reba!) The idea here is that this union will allow the two laughing stocks of network television to have the cache of all the, shall we say, "real" networks like CBS, ABC, Fox and NBC.

Although, considering NBC is going down the toilet with astonishing efficiency, their spot as one of the "big four" is increasingly tenuous with each new set of overnights and fast nationals. Once they leave it, CW will be sure to pull up quick and retrieve it, with such quality programming as Black Joey and My Name Is Black Earl. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah boyeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

According to Blogshares, LTNA Is a "Blog in Decline"! :-)

2006-01-24T16:35:00.000-08:00

I was going to do a real post today, but I just didn't see anything that was very amusing in the news. For reals. You know, like yesterday, wherein I opted to expound in a narcissistic vein, rather than fake it with some news item on Nicole Richie or Google, like I usually do. Also, I'm wearing that t-shirt I mentioned, so, um, well, you know... To be honest, I've been phoning it in since like, November...

But, I want to give you at least three minutes of relief from looking at the clock to see if it's time to go home yet, so enjoy this Sunday's The Boondocks comic strip. Click it for a larger view, and enjoy!

P.S. There is simply no way this new slang won't catch on. At least, not if I have anything to do with it. And, by "have anything to do with it," I mean "drive it into the ground with gross overusage."

First Person, Singular

2006-01-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm done with the "we" thing, ~~loyal~~ readers. You see, when I started this blog, I was extremely worried about the, shall I say, "frank" nature of my appraisal of Hollywood and celebrities when I considered where I work (i.e. in Hollywood repping celebrities). Indeed, my shit-talking has often stepped on the toes of clients of my current place of employment-- starting with my very first post (I have now given far too many hints), so it could and perhaps should have gotten me fired by now. Thus, my so-called anonymity remained precious-- a code uncrackable by even the smartest of retarded monkeys! Use of the editorial "we" was my fail-safe in case I was outed. I could always claim there was more than one person editing this thing if it ever came into question. Ultimately, I've realized that I'm flattering myself to think that this blog is relevant enough to get me fired from Burger King, let alone from ------- ------ ------, considering my outright insolence toward my boss has not.

But, in truth, this change isn't really the result of that realization, as I had the realization some time ago. Actually, I am moving on to a new job, and have severe hubris which has intensified with each hour that has passed since giving my notice last week. I've even considered wearing a shirt to work that says "If you think I didn't give a shit before..." I should note, I would not wear this shirt only once. I would wear it every day for my last two weeks. Also, I wouldn't shower. And also, I'd be drunk. Sloppy drunk.

So yeah, new frontiers and all that. It's very easy to be excited about a new job when you haven't figured out how it sucks yet, so I'm enjoying that, at the moment. The best news of all is simply that there is no possible way I can hate it more than I hate my current job, so worst case scenario means I'll be hating a new job equally but for different reasons. Hooray for working your way up!

And yes, the new job is still in "the industry" so I will still have to watch my mouth (so to speak) and preserve my farcical anonymity. But, at least we can say goodbye to the "we" deal. Believe it or not, I liked it even less than you did.

2006, A.D.: Apocalypse, Wow!

2006-01-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Aniston is not having a very good 2005-2006, and the photo at left really captures the "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" attitude she must have at the moment.

In case the whole Brad-Pitt-leaving-you-for-Angelina-Jolie-only-to-make-yourself-even-more-pathetic-by-fake-dating-the-bloated-and-probably-gay-Vince-Vaughn thing wasn't bad enough, now "insiders" are saying Ange was taking fertility treatments to get pregnant, and it looks like she's actually knocked up with twins as a result. Between the possibility of there being not one, but two of the most freakishly perfect genetic combinations walking the earth by the end of this year, and the mysteriously shrinking TomKitten bump, we're pretty sure the end is near.

We're not too worried. They'll probably have Fruit Roll-ups and Ssips juice boxes. Maybe Dunkaroos. It won't be that bad. We're not entirely sure why we imagine armageddon as strikingly similar to the third grade. We just do.

Brad Renfro on Drugs, Beginning to Resemble Ben Affleck, Scarily

2006-01-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

Most of us remember Brad Renfro's hilarious boat-stealing antics of yore, but if you saw any recent issues of the L.A. Weekly, you know far too well that that shithead still has not gotten his act together. Indeed, he is the Corey Haim for a new generation, getting pinched for trying to score some H on Skid Row.

Obviously, he's pleading not guilty, and his lawyer says "He's looking forward to resolving it all as soon as possible so he can get back to acting." His attorney failed to comment on the follow up question "Are you fucking kidding me? When the fuck was the last time Brad fucking Renfro was in a fucking movie? And no, soft-core porn doesn't count."

Seeing how fucked up Renfro's life is can be quite the boost to one's own self esteem. The fact that he had to go to Skid Row to score is pretty goddamned pathetic. At least we have friends (shout out, Treyvon!) who are more than happy to sell us some black tar or fine china, as the case may be. What kind of loser doesn't have friends who will sell him drugs in the comfort of a shady apartment in Culver City?

Apple to Develop Cell Phone, Estimated MSRP $749

2006-01-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

While Motorola is still smarting from the Rokr/ Nano debacle of a few months ago, Apple has been plotting the latest "dirty Goulet" (why yes, it is similar to a dirty sanchez!) sneak attack on the titans of the cell phone industry.

To wit, it seems more likely than ever that an "iPhone" is in the works. Word on the street is Apple is going with the less obvious, yet significantly more gay, "Mobile Me" as the name for their line of wireless devices. Their applications are already in at the U.S. Patent and Trade Offices, and it looks like they're developing some kind of blackberry slash music phone hybrid to try to put everyone else out of business. Well, at least until Google decides to start making cell phones. Free cell phones.

Viagra Causes Blindness, Hairy Palms

2006-01-17T12:28:00.000-08:00

A new study has shown that impotency drugs like Viagra and Cialis may cause blindness in one eye. The research suggests that those most at risk are men with a history of heart attacks, high blood pressure and diabetes. (Who's banging these geezers in the first place?)

The scientists aren't 100% sure that the blindness is a direct result of the drug, or if the blindness is caused by erectile disfunction itself. We're not 100% sure if "erectile disfunction" is the scientists' way of saying "bad aim." In any event, the "it's worth it" attitude shared by many Viagra-users after learning of these dangers is sure to foster a resurgence in the popularity of eyepatches in the near future. Pirate chic is so hot right now.

No, Tinkerbell, That's Not a Fish Taco You're Smelling

2006-01-13T16:15:00.000-08:00

This article says that dogs can smell cancer on your breath. No, really. It seems that, once trained to respond differently to cancer patients and cancer-free controls, the dogs have a 90% accuracy rate. Due to the metabolic waste produced by cancer cells, one's breath will contain elements that can be perceived by a dog's heightened sense of smell, which is up to 100,000 times more sensitive than a human's. It looks like drug dogs won't be the only pooches freaking us out, in the near future.

The implications of this are pretty bizarre. If doctors are seriously planning to start using dogs to help diagnose illnesses, they'd better at least equip them with little doggy lab coats and glasses so it still feels professional. And if they can train dogs to sniff out STDs too (pictured), well maybe it'll cushion the blow of the bad news.

[Insert Lede Here]

2006-01-13T16:01:00.000-08:00

Oh, now they're just trying to be cute.

Lindsay Lohan Should Have Been a Stripper

2006-01-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

According to Kate Moss, that is. Page Six reports that the two ski slope-enthusiasts went to the infamous New York strip club, Scores, around 3 a.m. yesterday morning. Tons of beer, vodka shots and raspberry kamikazes (which sounds like the gayest drink ever) flowed-- of course, we're sure those were Shirley Temples the underage Lindsay Lohan was pounding.

Fueled by the alcoholic overconfidence we know far too well, Kate jumped up on the stage and started riding the pole, gyrating, etc. After a while, Lindsay joined her. Keep your pants on, spanky. Neither one of them got nekkid.

However, James Erdstrom, a stalkerazzi was a witness, and says the two made "frequent trips to the bathroom" (a-doy). On one of Kate's trips to the loo to powder her nose solo, she shouted at Hohan who was still onstage "You're a pro, Lindsay! You should do this for a living!" Well, someone was bound to say it at some point.

It's nice to see that Lindsay is dealing with the wholly untrue Vanity Fair article coming out, that has her so upset. You know, the one that talks about her drug use, bulimia and partying. Indeed, the best retort is to go to a strip club and get drunk as shit, dance on the stage and be totally obvious about the fact that you're completely blown. That'll show 'em, Linds.

Angelina Jolie Really, Really Pregnant. Maybe.

2006-01-11T10:32:00.000-08:00

According to someone who overheard someone else who read about someone who read this one magazine, Angelina Jolie admitted to some Dominican Republican charity aid worker that she is, in fact, pregnant. We've ignored the incessant rumors of this the same way we ignored the rumors of the Nick and Jessica Simpson split, at least until the point where it sort of seemed a little true.

After all, Angelina has been covering her belly with frying pans and infants and such, whenever she's out in public lately. And, poor Maddox has had to become accustomed to walking on his very own legs, since Jolie hasn't been carrying him like she used to (she shouldn't be allowed to have more children, the barbarian!).

In any case, she does look pretty knocked up in the picture on the cover of People, so like, there that is. So, it looks like by the summer, the hottest human being ever will be born. Or, if God has the penchant for cruel irony we think he does, the most hideous human being ever will burst forth from Angelina Jolie's enchanted womb. Either way, it should be pretty amusing.

Colin's Farrell Unveiled

2006-01-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

This took a little longer than we'd expected, but the Colin Farrell sex tape ~~that no one cares about any more~~ finally made it's way to the internets, only to be shut the fuck down by Colin's lackies promptly.

But don't you worry your pervy little heads, darlings. IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay has some stills up, which they stole from some other site, so go enjoy. When your boss stops by to investigate the mysterious repeated thumping sound emanating from beneath your desk, you can thank us. Don't forget the Kleenex!

Bloglibs

2006-01-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

In accordance with our "fuck it all" mood of late (i.e., the "back at work blues"), we're not going to bother to write any jokes for these headlines. When it's this easy, it just doesn't seem worth it. But, feel free to come up with your own humorous zingers. Go 'head.

See? That wasn't very hard. Now you can understand that the deep-seeded cynicism and misanthropy which weave the rich tapestry that is LTNA is neither deep nor a rich tapestry. (This is true about most, if not all, blogs.)

Indeed, thanks to Blogger, any douche bag with delusions of wit can publish meaningless rants and insults against celebrities-- or any other topic of choice, for that matter. Hurrah!

Have We Mentioned That We Really Like Howard Stern Yet?

2006-01-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

Hey now! And so it begins: Howard Stern, uncensored. Today was the first broadcast of The (New) Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. True to form, we forced our eyes open to fumble clumsily in the dark for our stereo remote control at 2:59 this morning, to tune into the live east coast feed of this monumentous event. Riddled with technical difficulties (we wouldn't have it any other way), the show got off to a rocky start. But, the hype surrounding this day left Stern and the crew fumbling a bit themselves, as they were both ecstatic and bewildered at the fact that it's finally really, really happening.

The Chicago Tribune says the first show was crap, but we disagree. We've never even heard of that "paper" anyway; more to the point, we cannot deny our judgment is clouded by the fact that we're borderline superfans. In any event, we don't hesitate to acknowledge that there were some pacing and structure problems today, but it's mostly because there was too much to say and get to, rather than too little-- including a phony proclamation that Howard had finally made an honest woman out of Beth O. (alright, we confess, we believed him for a minute.)

You can read more about the first show here, and a full rundown should be up in a few hours. A couple of our favorite hilights are Howard Stern calling Martha Stewart's daughter "cunty" and having Artie proposition George Takei for anal. To think that it's only going to get better, once they find their stride. Damn, it's good to have them back.

Okay, Okay. Maybe Just a Couple More Wire Hangers...

2006-01-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

The New York Daily News has taken Lindsay Lohan's recent admittal of drug use and disordered eating as an opportunity to compile a rolodex of the worst stage-mothers and fathers ever.

They start off with Hohan's "mother," who brushes off Lindsay's fucked-upedness as "not as bad as it looked." ("Looked"? As in, past tense? 'Cause, last time we saw a picture of Hohan, things were still topping the charts on the Benny Scale...)

Then, the article moves on and we get a little taste of everyone from the Barrymores to the Federlines. Naturally, Joan Crawford had to be included in this directory of the pitfalls of celebrity procreation. Still, they'd better leave the annals open until Paris Hilton finally gets around squeezing out a few bastards. Those kids are guaranteed to be fucked up enough to make Joe Jackson look like a good father, by comparison.