How Was Your Fucking Turkey?

I hope you had a not entirely unpleasant Thanksgiving holiday, and that you weren't denied the four day weekend by being called into work. I almost was, but the evil boss' plans to screw me out of yet another day off were thwarted by a handy, albeit unimaginative, lie about being out of town. Hooray for dishonesty fueled by self interest! Plan B was pulling the race card.

LTNA's holiday was the customary celebration of corpulence, repressed resentment, friends and football. There was a bounty of bottles of beer, and plenty of pot-laced pastries pounded (pumpkin bars to be precise!), all of which apparently left me disoriented and in a Seuss-like dementia.

Of course, all of these were mere opening acts for the headliner: turducken (pictured). Yes, the friends with whom I spent my holiday decided to go even more balls to the walls than we have in past years-- which I will say have been truly impressive in their own rite-- and embraced the gluttonous spirit of the holiday threefold. Turducken, in case you aren't familiar, combines the glory of three different kinds of meat into one gastronomic masterpiece. The three meats, as you may have guessed, are of course turd, duck and chicken. Delicious.

Of course I'm being ridiculous. Turd is for vegetarians, and not qualified as a "meat." Turducken is actually a turkey with a duck shoved up its ass, with a chicken shoved up its ass. They partially de-bone each bird to achieve this, and adding a layer of stuffing (we went with cornbread) between each bird, just in case there was any doubt about this being the greatest invention ever.

I have to say I am now a turducken convert. There's no going back. I will no longer be slumming it with the plebes, choking down holiday dinners of birds stuffed with fewer than two other birds. In fact, I may have to continue to upgrade yearly, defying the laws of physics and good sense by adding yet another bird to the mix. Make fun all you want, but I'll be laughing last when I die laughing/of four simultaneous heart attacks in 2017, while feasting on turgoduckmaguikenantidgeonck. I imagine I'll be wearing a tiara.