Heterosexual Tom Cruise Refuses to Fuck Fiance

Pictures of like this of Tom Cruise are such a treat for us ladies. They show us what a real man looks like. This photo (I like to call it "The Pussy Inspector") is proof positive of Tom's heterosexuality, and leads one to wonder why these pesky gay rumors ever began in the first place.

Anyway. Reportedly, Tom has stopped having sex with fiance "Kate" Holmes out of his fear of vaginas fear it could "negatively impact" the nonexistent baby. Putting aside the ludicrous and wholly untrue rumors that the two have never had sex in the first place because Tom is too busy having sex with men, I will say my sympathy goes out to Kate. So many women can only dream of a 5'4" couch-jumping vitamin-enthusiast trying to do you from behind with a paper bag on your head while insisting he call you "Ron," since that's the only way he can keep it up for more than 20 seconds.

Lucky for Kate, the no-sex-with-Tom is only temporary circumstance, and not a legally-binding permanent condition of a confidential agreement drafted by Tom's lawyers which doesn't exist. Isn't lurve beautiful?