In Case You're Stuck at Work Today Like Me...

Perhaps Mr. Colbert can bring a smile to your face. I've been cracking up over this clip since it first aired on TCR in September. 100% tits.

Fucking Irish Car Bombs

You may as well know I drank way too much last night and am in no shape to do a proper post today. So, you're left with whatever video I feel is entertaining enough to syndicate here on LTNA, for the time being.

Thusly, enjoy the compilation below of America's most famous convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. Happy xxx-mas, and good luck suppressing the urge to punch your dad in the fucking face. After all, that's what the holidays are really all about.

I'll be back on December 26th, undoubtedly as hungover and miserable as today. It's a Kwanzaa miracle!

Maybe I Should Just Declare It "Dumb Slunt Week"

There's not a whole lot going on today, other than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby daddy potentially being charged with statutory rape and Britney Spears' fuck up du jour. I decided to go with the latter. I figure it's Britney's turn.

It looks like Britney will not be getting more time with her two ugly ass kids. Because she no-showed at a court appearance last week, Fed-Ex gets to keep primary custody, and BritBrit remains under the yoke of supervised visits.

Apparently, when Britney called in sick last week, she had her court ordered deposition confused with a job at Jack in the Box. I'm glad that the judge is throwing the smackdown and letting this cunt know it doesn't work like that. How lazy can she be to blow off a hearing which would determine her custody of her frickin kids? Furthermore, I'm black, so for me to call someone lazy, well, that person has to be pretty goddamned lazy.

So, until the next hearing on February 19th, those boys are only going to be secondhand smoking daddy's brand of cigs. Welcome to flavor country!

Another Day, Another Dumb Slunt

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears' little sister, has managed to out-slut her train wreck of a big sis. JLS is knocked up at the ripe old age of 16. Supposedly, she met the baby daddy in church. You could not write anything that rich, if you tried.

What a stupid bitch. Even Paris Hilton manages to remember the take the fucking pill. Paris Hilton!

Still, this is by no means a shocker (although I'm fairly certain a shocker or nine was involved in this happening); but, it is a tiny bit surprising, nonetheless. I suppose this is only because BritBrit has managed to reach heretofore undreamt of heights in retarded trampdom, so one never expected that her little sister would manage to match her fuckedupedness-- let alone surpass it with such zeal.

Bravo, Jamie. You get a 40 defective condom salute for your achievement. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know BritBrit 2: Y'all Harder was never using any condoms in the first place, "since you only get pregnant if you open your eyes."

Happy Chris Farley Day

Chris Farley
February 15, 1964 - December 18, 1997

Ten years later, and I still miss ya buddy.

Dumb Slunt to Continue Making Gauche Cuisine

Rachael Ray just closed a deal to continue annoying the shit out of people for two more seasons, reupping her contract with the Food Network. Her crapfest show, 30 Minute Meals will be on for at least 120 more episodes, not to mention a new show that'll be starting in January called Rachael's Vacation wherein we get to watch her gorge and orgasm from pie, dick and dick pie-- but now, in distant and exotic locales! This will be a nice change from the parking lot behind Fatburger, where she normally gobbles some "delish" dick.

Some people would say that I'm being a bit harsh for thinking Rachael Ray is an annoying whore. But, those people would be wrong. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.

Leno Resolves to Be Lamer Than Ever in '08

It looks like we'll be back in the Cone Zone by January 2nd, since Late Night with Conan O'Brien will be returning to the air, whether the writers' strike is over by then (it won't be), or not. In case you're 60 (congratulations on learning how to "surf the internets"), and therefore have no idea what real comedy is, Jay Leno's piece of shit show will be back on too. NBC made the announcement yesterday.

No one is really sure what the shows are going to be like without writers, but the executive producers of both have faith in their hosts. I agree that if anyone can pull it off, it's Conan. As for Leno, I can't imagine that show sucking any more than it already does, but I guess we're going to see it happen pretty soon.

The stigma and hecklers Carson Daley faced when his show came back prior to the strike ending is unlikely to be a problem for Conan and Leno, since they've been paying staffers out of their own pockets after everyone was laid off. Essentially, people realize that they need to put their shows back on because non-writers need their jobs back. Granted, the writers need their jobs too, but I think it's fair to assume they're able to stick things out a bit longer than, say, an assistant audience coordinator.

Letterman is trying to get back on the air too, but he's trying to do it with his writing staff, and is requesting an interim agreement from the Writers Guild. Yeah fucking right, Dave.

Happy Fucking Holidays

We are fully ensconced in the holiday season, and I have to admit that I'm totally gay for Christmas. My favorite holidays are Independence Day and Thanksgiving, but neither of those holidays affords me the opportunity to terrorize my friends with ill planned gifts and cryptic holiday cards. If you like the above, it's by an artist called Brandon Bird, and you can get them on his website. They're pretty much the best holidays cards ever.

In case you're one of the lucky ones whose last day before leaving for the holiday break is today, I just wanted to wish you a a sexy xxx-mas and a dipsolucious Kwanzaa. And, if you're one of the Chosen People...well, I hope your Chanuka was just swell. I'll be here all next week, unfortunately, but you can expect me to be drinking on the job even more than usual. Apologies in advance for those posts, which I'm sure will be even more incoherent than usual. "'Tis the season to puke on hoboes, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

Well, I'm off to fashion a belt buckle made of mistletoe. This weekend, I'm keeping it classy.