So You Think I'm Not Going to Hurt You

Fair warning: This is going to get gross.

This guy, Alex Da Silva, a 41-year-old salsa choreographer (gross) and judge on Fox's "hit" show So You Think You Can Dance (gross), is like, really into raping women (criminal; also, gross). Allegedly.

Ugh. That mugshot. The salsa. Fucking. Gross.

I don't really care to imagine him luring his dance students into his gross bedroom to "show them new clothes" or "ask for help fixing his computer," only for him to whip it out and make some homemade guacamole on the unsuspecting waitress dancer. In case you're unclear, by "whip it out and make some homemade guacamole," I mean "rape and jizz on a bitch."

Speaking of misunderstandings, Silva's attorney Harland Braun said the case was a misunderstanding of “the difference between seduction and rape.” Make that four separate incidents of misunderstanding. Sheesh. That's a lot of guac.

Hey Da Silva, a bit of advice: While you're in jail, don't drop the maraca.

No Sir, I Assure You I Am Not Going to "Love [Your] Nuts"

You may already know that the ShamWow™ Guy is also the Slap Chop™ Guy-- not to mention that he's everyone's favorite hooker-Slap Chopping™ enthusiast. Well, that fucking Slap Chop™ commercial just came on NatGeo HD and weirded me out anew, so I decided to share the suffering. I mean, I was just talking about that dipshit, after all.

Oh yes, it was the long version, so you're going to get three minutes and change of Vince's nut-Slapping™ intensity and cryptic orders to "stop having a boring life." Maybe I should start assaulting prostitutes to spice things up, too.

OR...Slap Chop™!

He also demonstrates how easy it is to Slap™ together standard breakfast fare (you know, hard boiled egg™, pickle™, green onion™ plus a pinch™ of ham™, pounded™ like an unruly whore™-- I mean, Slap Chopped™-- into a fine paste™, just like no one ever used to ever make™ ever), because "YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST."™ 

Here you go, sweetums. An oldie but creepy, just for you. 

After watching this again, I think I need an adult.

Iowa Caucus an Easy Way to Make a Grown Man Cry

"Pundits" (I loathe this word) are still chattering about Hillary Clinton's surprise reach-around win in New Hampshire after Barack Obama proved Iowa has jungle fever.

Truthfully, I don't really have much to add to the fray, if anything. I will say that I consider myself an Obama girl, since I figure my black card trumps my chick card. I will also say that Hillary, though, was much more endeared to me when she put her proverbial dick on the table and nearly wept after losing in Iowa.

Of course, the speculation is that NH agreed, and 62% of those polled said her "less cunty" side seemed to give her the edge she needed to win there.* Evidently, all everyone has been thirsty for this entire time is to see this bitch cry. Apparently, when your husband gets a blowjob from a White House intern inciting national attention and his impeachment, that's just an "oh, brother!" moment. You're full of surprises, Hilz.

*Source: My ass.

Another Day, Another Dumb Slunt

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears' little sister, has managed to out-slut her train wreck of a big sis. JLS is knocked up at the ripe old age of 16. Supposedly, she met the baby daddy in church. You could not write anything that rich, if you tried.

What a stupid bitch. Even Paris Hilton manages to remember the take the fucking pill. Paris Hilton!

Still, this is by no means a shocker (although I'm fairly certain a shocker or nine was involved in this happening); but, it is a tiny bit surprising, nonetheless. I suppose this is only because BritBrit has managed to reach heretofore undreamt of heights in retarded trampdom, so one never expected that her little sister would manage to match her fuckedupedness-- let alone surpass it with such zeal.

Bravo, Jamie. You get a 40 defective condom salute for your achievement. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know BritBrit 2: Y'all Harder was never using any condoms in the first place, "since you only get pregnant if you open your eyes."

Next Stop: Stretch Mark City

Jessica Alba is knocked up. The culprit is long time boyfriend Cash Warren, which was a surprise to me, since I heard she'd dumped him a few months ago in a really tasteless way. Beyond the initial surprise that Alba is preggars, let alone by Cash (it takes all of my fortitude to bring myself to type the name "Cash" without punching a baby, every single time), this story loses any semblance of being interesting. It's just really hard to care about anything that happens to these people for more than four seconds, and even then I was phoning it in.

On that note, here's a link to a somewhat amusing "Best of" Craig's List post. It's hump day bitches. Time to get fucked.

Gasp! "America's Mayor" May Have Been Shady During Extramarital Affair

Oh, the possible scandal! It looks like there was some questionable accounting done during a period between 1999 and 2000, when the erstwhile mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani, is known to have been getting some covert stank on his hang-low from Judith Nathan. Nathan, of course, became his third and current wife eventually, but this is back in the day when Giuliani was, you know, cheating on his second wife "doing lotsa important mayor shit, damn bitch, you nosey, mind yo business" out on Long Island, where Nathan just happened to have a condo on the beach. This news comes just in time for the Iowa caucuses in January, so Giuliani must be thrilled.

There was "unusual" billing of eleven of the Mayor's trips to Southampton, wherein various travel costs were allocated to obscure offices and departments, including a so-called "Blumpkin Bureau," the "Getting the Mayoral Dick Wet Commission" and something called the "I'm Having an Extramarital Affair and Using the City Budget to Fund It Office."

Naturally, when LTNA called to ask about this, Giuliani's aides' only comment on the matter was "Haaa? 9/11! [*click*] [*dial tone*]." The current mayor, Michael Bloomberg made accusations back in '02 that Giuliani used tactics like this to keep the budget for the mayor's office artificially low. Despite this, Bloomberg's office also refused to offer any explanation to the comptroller's office for the accounting, citing the landmark case of Bros v. Hos.