No Sir, I Assure You I Am Not Going to "Love [Your] Nuts"

You may already know that the ShamWow™ Guy is also the Slap Chop™ Guy-- not to mention that he's everyone's favorite hooker-Slap Chopping™ enthusiast. Well, that fucking Slap Chop™ commercial just came on NatGeo HD and weirded me out anew, so I decided to share the suffering. I mean, I was just talking about that dipshit, after all.

Oh yes, it was the long version, so you're going to get three minutes and change of Vince's nut-Slapping™ intensity and cryptic orders to "stop having a boring life." Maybe I should start assaulting prostitutes to spice things up, too.

OR...Slap Chop™!

He also demonstrates how easy it is to Slap™ together standard breakfast fare (you know, hard boiled egg™, pickle™, green onion™ plus a pinch™ of ham™, pounded™ like an unruly whore™-- I mean, Slap Chopped™-- into a fine paste™, just like no one ever used to ever make™ ever), because "YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST."™ 

Here you go, sweetums. An oldie but creepy, just for you. 

After watching this again, I think I need an adult.

Dumb Slunt to Continue Making Gauche Cuisine

Rachael Ray just closed a deal to continue annoying the shit out of people for two more seasons, reupping her contract with the Food Network. Her crapfest show, 30 Minute Meals will be on for at least 120 more episodes, not to mention a new show that'll be starting in January called Rachael's Vacation wherein we get to watch her gorge and orgasm from pie, dick and dick pie-- but now, in distant and exotic locales! This will be a nice change from the parking lot behind Fatburger, where she normally gobbles some "delish" dick.

Some people would say that I'm being a bit harsh for thinking Rachael Ray is an annoying whore. But, those people would be wrong. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.

Things with More Appeal.14

Reunited, and it feels so...fair. Now that I'm "back" and all, I've decided to have my first post exhibit me phoning it in with my customary efficiency. You knew what this was.

To wit, I'm resurrecting the whole Things with More Appeal bit. It is marvelous filler, after all. I haven't decided if I'm going to be doing these often, or with any regularity. Nevertheless, we're off, with the first installment of TWMA v. 2.0. Time to get your dick wet!

This week's Thing isn't anything new, or at least it isn't anything new to me. However, I revisited it recently because it's f'in hilarious, and I was pleased to discover it held up on a second (and immediate third) viewing. It's a sketch called The Jeannie Tate Show about a crazy soccer mom who hosts a talk show from her mini van while she's running errands. Her guest is Bill Hader(!) from SNL, whom I lurve. I was planning to have his wife, Maggie Carey, destroyed so I could have him for myself, until I learned that she directed this sketch. A keen comedic sensibility can offset even my most bloodthirsy murderous intentions. For now.

You can check out some of her other stuff here, but Jeannie Tate is definitely my favorite.

So, enjoy!