So You Think I'm Not Going to Hurt You

Fair warning: This is going to get gross.

This guy, Alex Da Silva, a 41-year-old salsa choreographer (gross) and judge on Fox's "hit" show So You Think You Can Dance (gross), is like, really into raping women (criminal; also, gross). Allegedly.

Ugh. That mugshot. The salsa. Fucking. Gross.

I don't really care to imagine him luring his dance students into his gross bedroom to "show them new clothes" or "ask for help fixing his computer," only for him to whip it out and make some homemade guacamole on the unsuspecting waitress dancer. In case you're unclear, by "whip it out and make some homemade guacamole," I mean "rape and jizz on a bitch."

Speaking of misunderstandings, Silva's attorney Harland Braun said the case was a misunderstanding of “the difference between seduction and rape.” Make that four separate incidents of misunderstanding. Sheesh. That's a lot of guac.

Hey Da Silva, a bit of advice: While you're in jail, don't drop the maraca.

No Sir, I Assure You I Am Not Going to "Love [Your] Nuts"

You may already know that the ShamWow™ Guy is also the Slap Chop™ Guy-- not to mention that he's everyone's favorite hooker-Slap Chopping™ enthusiast. Well, that fucking Slap Chop™ commercial just came on NatGeo HD and weirded me out anew, so I decided to share the suffering. I mean, I was just talking about that dipshit, after all.

Oh yes, it was the long version, so you're going to get three minutes and change of Vince's nut-Slapping™ intensity and cryptic orders to "stop having a boring life." Maybe I should start assaulting prostitutes to spice things up, too.

OR...Slap Chop™!

He also demonstrates how easy it is to Slap™ together standard breakfast fare (you know, hard boiled egg™, pickle™, green onion™ plus a pinch™ of ham™, pounded™ like an unruly whore™-- I mean, Slap Chopped™-- into a fine paste™, just like no one ever used to ever make™ ever), because "YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST."™ 

Here you go, sweetums. An oldie but creepy, just for you. 

After watching this again, I think I need an adult.

Who's Going to Steal My Speedboat Now?

Brad Renfro

1982-2008

Brad had a pretty rough go of it in recent years, and was found dead today at his home, here in L.A. The cause of death is still unknown, but who are we kidding, it'll probably be an OD on black tar H. Or, who knows, maybe he went with the classic speedball.

Poor guy. It's too bad it had to be someone with real potential, instead of Lohan or one of those other drug addict cunts. Bummer.

Maybe I Should Just Declare It "Dumb Slunt Week"

There's not a whole lot going on today, other than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby daddy potentially being charged with statutory rape and Britney Spears' fuck up du jour. I decided to go with the latter. I figure it's Britney's turn.

It looks like Britney will not be getting more time with her two ugly ass kids. Because she no-showed at a court appearance last week, Fed-Ex gets to keep primary custody, and BritBrit remains under the yoke of supervised visits.

Apparently, when Britney called in sick last week, she had her court ordered deposition confused with a job at Jack in the Box. I'm glad that the judge is throwing the smackdown and letting this cunt know it doesn't work like that. How lazy can she be to blow off a hearing which would determine her custody of her frickin kids? Furthermore, I'm black, so for me to call someone lazy, well, that person has to be pretty goddamned lazy.

So, until the next hearing on February 19th, those boys are only going to be secondhand smoking daddy's brand of cigs. Welcome to flavor country!

Don't Drop the Soap

It looks like Kiefer Sutherland really is going to the slammer for his latest DUI, which he got in September. Surprisingly, he doesn't seem to be taking it like a fucking bitch, and checked into a California jail last night, right after he received his 48 day sentence.

On the one hand, this does make him seem kind of cool for deciding to man up and just take his punishment, rather than pull the celebrity card. On the other hand, the celebrity card is in its own stratosphere of bullshit and shouldn't exist in the first place. This is simply an instance of (apparently) equal treatment under the law, regardless of wealth or fame. I hardly see how things happening the way they always ought to is worthy of applause, but a lot of people seem to be reacting that way. I guess we're just so used to seeing stars get away with murder-- literally-- people are happy to see a smidge of justice.

I don't give a shit about 24, but in case you're a fan, 24 won't be affected by Kiefer's stint in the clink, mostly because of the writers' strike. The strike put the season premiere on hold, and since they'd only shot 8 episodes before pushing the season start date and halting production, Kiefer's term will be completed and his anus should be fully healed before shooting resumes. Yay.