3 Hot Guys and Will Ferrell Play Tennis

So, I got a job like two weeks ago, hence the increased infrequency of my posting. Just when you thought this blog couldn't get any worse, here we are. In any event, I'm sure no one noticed, as I'm pretty sure the only person reading this blog is me. (I like to double check to see if there's a missed opportunity to crowbar in another racist joke or two.) 

To wit, a video blog, or "vlog," as I refuse to call it.

For some reason, Gob/Mr. Amy Poehler/Will Arnett/Hotness #1 is playing tennis with Andy Roddick/Hotness #2 against Andy Murray/Hotness #3 and Will Ferrell/Will Ferrell. Also, Keenan is there (no idea where Kel is), presumably to add color -zing!- since Quddouche is no blacker than Roger Sterling with some hastily applied shoe polish - doublezing!-. In any event, the video is mildly amusing. So, watch it. Or don't. I don't know. Fuck off.

So You Think I'm Not Going to Hurt You

Fair warning: This is going to get gross.

This guy, Alex Da Silva, a 41-year-old salsa choreographer (gross) and judge on Fox's "hit" show So You Think You Can Dance (gross), is like, really into raping women (criminal; also, gross). Allegedly.

Ugh. That mugshot. The salsa. Fucking. Gross.

I don't really care to imagine him luring his dance students into his gross bedroom to "show them new clothes" or "ask for help fixing his computer," only for him to whip it out and make some homemade guacamole on the unsuspecting waitress dancer. In case you're unclear, by "whip it out and make some homemade guacamole," I mean "rape and jizz on a bitch."

Speaking of misunderstandings, Silva's attorney Harland Braun said the case was a misunderstanding of “the difference between seduction and rape.” Make that four separate incidents of misunderstanding. Sheesh. That's a lot of guac.

Hey Da Silva, a bit of advice: While you're in jail, don't drop the maraca.

No Sir, I Assure You I Am Not Going to "Love [Your] Nuts"

You may already know that the ShamWow™ Guy is also the Slap Chop™ Guy-- not to mention that he's everyone's favorite hooker-Slap Chopping™ enthusiast. Well, that fucking Slap Chop™ commercial just came on NatGeo HD and weirded me out anew, so I decided to share the suffering. I mean, I was just talking about that dipshit, after all.

Oh yes, it was the long version, so you're going to get three minutes and change of Vince's nut-Slapping™ intensity and cryptic orders to "stop having a boring life." Maybe I should start assaulting prostitutes to spice things up, too.

OR...Slap Chop™!

He also demonstrates how easy it is to Slap™ together standard breakfast fare (you know, hard boiled egg™, pickle™, green onion™ plus a pinch™ of ham™, pounded™ like an unruly whore™-- I mean, Slap Chopped™-- into a fine paste™, just like no one ever used to ever make™ ever), because "YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST."™ 

Here you go, sweetums. An oldie but creepy, just for you. 

After watching this again, I think I need an adult.

Ain't Shit Going On Today

As indicated above, there ain't shit going on today, so I don't have anything worth talking about. So, you know what that means: Video post!

Herewith, please find the gayest thing since gay sex, posted below for your enjoyment. I hope your Tuesday glitters, girl!

Kurt Loder Liked It Too

I saw Juno this weekend at a screening which was pretty sweet, since I had assumed I would have to wait until it came out to see it. I stumbled across this review by Kurt Loder this morning, which I read mostly because I was curious to read something/anything by Kurt "Droppin' Lodes" Loder, whom I remember from all those years ago, back when I still wanted my MTV. He liked it.

And, I'm here to tell you that I agree with him, so you should go see it. Kurt's review is pretty much right on point with how I felt about the movie, particularly in terms of pointing out the flick's weaknesses. There aren't many. And we both agree that the final scene is impossibly cute. Mind you, this is coming from someone whose typical response to anything "cute" involves lye and a machete, so kudos to Diablo Cody for writing something adorable that didn't result in me getting another restraining order. Plus, DC used to be a stripper, so she's got some serious street cred points, not to mention a gutter mouth rivaling my own. Pretty cockfucking impressive.

Moving on. I will confess that I'm a film school graduate, so I do have a higher tolerance than many for "independent" films (which, admittedly, is becoming an increasingly dubious term). But, I also feel that there's a certain sameness to every indie trailer that comes out, rendering them all identical, in a strange and obnoxious way. Luckily, Juno as a film breaks out of those confines and turns out to be a genuinely funny, slightly raunchy, well written, directed and acted movie. As The Lode points out, some of the dialog is just too crisp and self-awarely clever to be believable, and I found it detracted from some moments being laugh aloud funny. But, not every comedy is meant to be a knee-slapper, and this one succeeds without pandering for guffaws. Plus, it has George-Michael. So, check it out. It opens in NY and L.A. today.

And here's Diablo Cody's, a fellow Blogger Blogspot blogger's, blog. What I've read on it is not all that interesting, but it sure beats LTNA, as all other things in this world do. Also, she has a few promotional videos up for Juno with her and Ellen Page, who I'd never seen before in anything, but like a whole lot now. Almost as much as I like pork swords.