29 August 2006

Kevin Federline Is a Great Actor

Kevin Federline is going to be on CSI. Surely, this sort of stunt casting will help the series gain some of the precious street cred they've been lacking, as producers have ignored my letters suggesting a fourth spin-off series, CSI:Jersey-- not to mention my other letters suggesting they add a second black guy. (Perhaps I should stop writing my letters in crayon.)

In any event, throwing Federlizzle into the CSI mix is a lot like adding a second black guy anyway, so maybe they took my advice, after all.

According to reports, Federline will play an arrogant teenager who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) while they are working on a case."

I'm sure playing "arrogant" will prove a challenge worthy of K-Fed's delicate acting abilities. After all, he certainly proved his acting chops at the Teen Choice Awards last week, when I was totally convinced he was a successful black rap star. I mean, I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but I was rubbing my eyes in disbelief over the apparent lack of melanin in my caucasian brethren's epidermis.

It's just a good thing he doesn't look a day over 16, instead of like a functionally retarded sexually potent wigger pushing 30. Yep, it's a good thing indeed.

25 August 2006

Happy Birthday, Buck Futter

Sean Connery turns 76 today. He doesn't look a day over 72, if you ask me.

That's nearly eight decades of poontang "tore the fuck up," as he would say undoubtedly. Or, maybe I'm thinking of Bill Bellamy...

Anyway, I'm going to spend my down time today (as if I have any), working on a mash-up of
Timbaland's Nelly Furtado's hit song "Promiscuous Girl" paired with 50 Cent's "In Da Club," to make an entirely new hit song called "Promiscuous Septuagenarian Gentleman Partyin' Like It's Yo Birfday." It's going to be the song of Autumn 2006. Just watch.

21 August 2006

Today's Lack of Images Courtesy of Blogger

It's a strange day indeed when I'm left trying to decide between talking shit about K-Fed's performance on the Teen Choice Awards last night, vs. talking about Osama bin Laden's alleged obsession with Whitney Houston (not to mention his apparent enthusiasm for MacGyver).

With regard to the former, it feels like the K-Fed posts write themselves all too often. Where's the challenge?

Then again, since when do I go for anything "challenging"? And considering that even a loser like Paula Abdul "feels sorry" for Britney Spears because K-Fed's performance was that bad, I couldn't help but jump on the bandwagon with my blogging comrades and reaffirm that Federline's performance met all of my hopes of being impossibly shitty-- shittier even than the video quality of it here on You Tube. Just try to get past that smug fucker Dane "I Was Funny Four Years Ago" Cook at the beginning of the clip to Britney waddling out to introduce her greasier half. I promise you, you will be disappointed.

As far as the whole Whitney Houston/bin Laden angle, well... it just seems too random to be made up. I really don't even know what to say about it, except I'm looking forward to Kola Boof's thoughts on the elusive Suri Cruise, as well as the Kate Hudson/Owen Wilson "Are they or aren't they?" debate du jour. Maybe we'll really strike gold when Kola writes a book about bin Laden's obsession with Kevin Federline-- no, not because of his music, but because of his beauty.

08 August 2006

Snakes on a Soundtrack

If you haven't heard Cobra Starship's theme song for SoaP, then you're missing out. Plus, just hearing about now it is so two weeks ago. Three, even. Loser.

The hot shit du jour is Cee-lo's song for SoaP, which you can listen to here. Just when you think this movie's mania cannot get any more ridiculous, it does. Ah well. I just ride the wave-- or snake, as it were. "Snakes on a plane," as they say, snakes on a plane.

Thanks to Best Week Ever for the link.

03 August 2006

To Tide You Over...

Until I have time to write a real post again, my lovelies, enjoy!