30 September 2005

We Usually Just Resort to Punching the Bartender in the Face

Ze Germans have invented a beer coaster that lets the bartender know when your glass is empty. When your glass dips below a certain weight, it transmits via radio signal to the bar that your table just finished a round of waterfall and you're in need of some refill action in order to keep playing King's Cup. Pretty sweet, eh? This should cut down significantly on the number of guys resorting to the traditional "'Nother round, toots" followed by a playful slap on the ass to the beer wench on staff, when they're in need of a fresh, cold brew to slake their thirst.

Quite an innovation, this is. Is there anything those Germans can't do? Well, aside from getting everyone to forget about the whole WW II/ Holocaust thing... But, is there anything other than that they can't do? We say, nein!

It's Certainly Worse than Sexual Assault, at Least

Pederast, schmederast. Profundity, thy keeper is Roman Polanski.

George Bush, Master of Etiquette and Conversation

You may have already heard about former Education Secretary William Bennett's comments on his talk show recently. We heard about it on Howard Stern a couple of days ago. But, just in case you didn't hear, he said flat out that crime rates would go down drastically if every black baby was aborted. Of course, now he's saying his comments were "taken out of context," yada yada yada. But this seems like a pretty modest proposal to us too, considering our own preference for theft over paying for things. If only we, too, had been aborted! We'll have to go on wondering what could have been, as we continue robbing whitey.

But, we digress. The White House's scathing response to this ferociously racist remark proves that George Bush truly does care about black people:

"'The president believes the comments were not appropriate,' White House press secretary Scott McClellan said."

See! They certainly told Bennett what's what! Quite the verbal donkey punch, Mr. President! We daresay Kanye West was indeed mistaken with his cavalier remarks of late. Way to convince us you disagree wholeheartedly, Dubya. What's most touching is how he personally had one of his flunkies address the issue (and with such passion!), instead of doing it himself. Our patriotism swells mightily, for today we are a tiny bit less ashamed to be American.

Why Is It Always China?

Another day, another bizarre bit of news originating from China. Remember SARS? The significantly less adorable precursor to Monkeypox? Well, now that no one cares about it any more, they think they've discovered that horseshoe bats, which are used in Chinese medicine and cooking (this should come as no surprise), were the original carriers of the disease and the scienticians have speculated on how it may have been passed to humans. The key was discovering a SARS coronavirus in the bats, which is a SARS-like virus that the bats can carry themselves without becoming ill-- although, we would have paid to see bats wearing tiny face masks around. Precious!

29 September 2005

Lohan Not Very Good at Pretending She Doesn't Want Attention

If you think the picture of Lindsay Lohan at left is "somethin' else," you ain't seen nothin' yet. The former Disney brand icon, turned implants/ lying about having said implants icon, turned cocaine-whore/ eating disorder/ binge drinking icon is going to slut it up slightly more than ever before. Linds has already been photographed on a Malibu beach for an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Nude.

Yes, the 19-year-old is on the fast track to having Britney Spears' career, and several hopeful pervs who have been sexualizing the "actress" since before it was even marginally appropriate are sure to have their wish of her posing for Playboy granted sooner than they might have hoped. Hell, the hard core pervs (you know, the ones with mustaches and unmarked white vans) can probably keep their fingers crossed for a Hustler debut before 2008. We said "fingers," you sickee.

What makes this story even more worrisome is the fact that Hohan took her cue from Paris Hilton's recent nude Vanity Fair cover. If you're intentionally following the example of the world's most notorious vapid spunk-guzzler and then announcing it proudly, blow is the least of your problems. We can only assume a sex tape in night vision featuring the Parent Trap star will be hitting the internets imminently.

The "David Dinkens" Phone, Indeed

We know you're accustomed to a little thumbnail with each post to make the page look a little better (although, not much better), but Blogger is fucking up right now, and we don't feel like waiting for it to fix itself just to upload some blurry picture we stole from another site. We're going commando on this one.

Evidently, there's a bit of a Rokr soap opera going on behind the scenes, wherein Motorola and Apple aren't as chummy as the new Motorola/ iTunes partnership would lead one to believe. See, whathadhappenedwas, Apple's been pissed at Motorola for being, well, kind of a shitty brand for a long time. Motorola was supposed to have the Rokr, or at least some manifestation of a music phone, ready by the summer of this year. That didn't happen, and once the phone came out, it kind of sucked, leaving Apple all like, "DubTF?" So, just to be snarky-- at least, that's what a lot of people are saying, Apple upstaged the Rokr by unveiling the Nano the same day. Obviously, this move totally eclipsed the significance of Motorola's tardy (and lousy) Rokr.

So after all this tension has been building for months between the two companies, Motorola's Ed Zandaer was quoted Friday saying, "Screw the Nano. What the hell does the Nano do? Who listens to 1,000 songs?" We're not really sure what this lame attack means, especially since the Rokr holds a mere 100, raising the more poignant question "Who the hell listens to 100 songs?" Therefore, might we suggest that someone get Mr. Zandaer a copy of Snaps for x-mas, so he will be better equipped to handle these sort of public embarrassments more aptly. We can all agree that a much more cutting retort would have been "Apple mama so fat she got more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' English Muffin! Snap!" Or the classic, "Apple mama so stupid she thought Grape Nuts was an STD!"

You get the idea. The point of all this is, Motorola sucks.

28 September 2005

Things with More Appeal.8

To quote the brilliant poet Sir Baron Von Ladies Love Cool James, Esq., "Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah, boyeeeeeeeeee!!!" Today brings the 8th installment of Things with More Appeal, and thusly marks our two month anniversary since we first shared that awkward, slightly dry kiss. What's the customary gift for such an occasion? Edible panties, or as we like to call them, "panties"? Monogramed nipple clamps? Anal? Well, we know what we're going to get for you, angel. A copy of this week's Thing: the just-released DVD from an up-and-coming comic by the name of Brett Siddell. If you're into the underground comedy scene, get in here on the ground floor.

Brett Siddell: Live and Free in Anisq'oyo is the first stand-up special by this comic, and it's filmed in HD (which we'd never really seen before, but looks insanely good here) by ArsenalHD, a baby of a production company, but one with lots of promise. And we are not exaggerating when we say this DVD special epitomizes the term "ballnutz" (ArsenalHD copyright pending beotch!). We've seen this special a few times, and we have to say you never get used to seeing The Pirate (pictured) pour a 40oz. into his disfunctional eye socket (not pictured). Yes, that actually happens on this thing. No. Seriously.

And, not that we have a conflict of interest here or anything, but if you want to support independent comedy/ filmmaking, here's an easy way to do it for pretty damned cheap. We know how you love to laugh, darling. So grab a beer or ten, settle down and check this show out. We've been quoting it since we first saw it, and actually, we can't seem to stop... It's kind of a problem. And after you watch this, you'll realize why we're always asking you to bend us over "like a... like a... map?" before collapsing into a fit of giggles.

Anyway, check it out. You can watch clips of it here for free if you don't believe us when we say it's awesome. But we're sure once you do shell out the $15 (which includes shipping-- noice!), you'll realize Mr. Siddell and his hilarious antics are indeed, quite appealing.

Meth, Cause of and Solution to All Life's Problems

The chick who was taken hostage by the courthouse gunman after his rampage in March has revealed her secret to getting released by her captor: crystal meth. That's right, kids. He tied up and held her at gunpoint in her home, and asked her for some weed (we usually just pay for it). Being a tweeker for some 9 years, she didn't have any dope, naturally. So, she gave him some speed, read him a chapter from some religious book, and he was all "I'm born again!" and shit.

If you've ever dealt with anyone who's just smoked a bunch of glass, you can pretty much tell them anything and they'll trust you completely. Or they might freak out and try to shit on your mailbox while sewing you a wedding dress by hand. Lucky for this chick it was the former, and the whole "live a good life" stuff cottoned to her tormenter immediately. He saw the righteous path and released her. She then called the cops and they were able to snag the bastard. Also, after this incident, she was finally able to quit smoking shit, after many failed stints in rehab. Apparently being held at gunpoint for nine hours is a surefire way to a "speedy" recovery from meth addiction!

Oh, come on. You know by now how we adore terrible puns. Guess you could say there's a "crystal" clear "meth"od to our madness! Ha!

Ain't Nothin' but a Gangsta Movie

Tupac Shakur, the most posthumously prolific rapper ever, can now add "screenwriter" to his resume. Or at least his estate can add it. Live 2 Tell is a feature he wrote in 1995 (unless you're one of the idiots who believe he's still alive and hiding out in China), which is now slated to begin shooting in March. Naturally, it's about a kid from the streets who gets involved with the drug game and blah blah blah.

We've got to admit we're pretty sick of Pac coming out with albums every few months over the last nine years when he's supposed to be dead, only to turn around now and get a development deal before us, when we are very much alive. (What? You thought our highest aspiration was having a Blogspot blog?) We can only assume 2006 will bring a book deal. Wait, huh? He already had a book come out? Well, fuck. Excuse us while we get to work on planning our own assassination.

27 September 2005

Pandas: That's Sexual Harassment When You're Watching Us "Take It"

Chinese scientists are going to use satellites to "monitor" pandas getting freaknasty in the wild. They're saying that this "is part of an attempt to understand the panda's [sic] poor breeding record," but we all know it's just some sicko pervs who managed to rent a few lab coats in a fiendish ruse crafted to justify their penchant for panda porn, a niche market. No, they can't fool us.

This story, along with the surprising popularity of tiger meat-- not to mention the nicotine addicted chimps, has us seriously considering a trip to China in the near future. Evidently, that place is ballnutz.

Dorkwad/ Google-Related News Round-up

In the spirit of Defamer, the Mt. Olympus of L.A. bloggers (and as far as we're concerned, bloggers anywhere else), we thought it necessary to do our very first "round-up." However, unlike Defamer, we felt the need to do a round-up on all the interesting sci/tech news, albeit extremely nerdy, that we've come across today-- as opposed to say, a TomKat round-up, which is infinitely more appealing. If you're surprised by this decision, see the title of this blog.

-Google-- you know, that thing we were just talking about? Well, it's his birthdaaaaaaay! Yes, Google turns 7 today. They grow up so fast, don't they? ...........punch and pie.

-Google is launching a more advanced media player, which allows users to watch video without having to download any pesky software. They're cross-promoting this new media player with one of the funnier shows to grace network primetime in a long time, by allowing users to watch the series premiere of Everybody Hates Chris without commercials, through Thursday of this week. Do it, if you haven't watched it already. It's pretty funny.

-Google has also scoffed at Yahoo's previous reports about having more, um, girth to their index than Google. Google retorted "It don't matter how big yo' index is if you don't even know how to use it. Yahoo is a bitch ass trick. I been pimpin' since before pimpin' was pimp. That ho just mad 'cause I gave his momma that mushroom tattoo." Yes, that is a direct quotation from Google.

-The one non-Google centered bit of news: Nokia has come out with their answer to Motorola's (fucking disappointing) Rokr, by unveiling their version of a music phone. The Rokr holds 100 songs. Nokia's new 3250 holds 750 songs, has a camera and gives you oral while feeding you peeled grapes (once you set it to Caligula Mode). It's pretty clear here which of these is the David Dinkens of the music phone competish.

One of These Things IS the Other

We'll be the first to admit this is getting kind of tiresome, but we can't resist a Google Newsism like this one. Not only have they taught us that R. Kelly and P. Shiddy are one and the same, but now they've revealed that Kate Moss and Pam Anderson are also the same person!

After so many shockers of this calibur, Google News really ought to hijack the slogan "Google News: Can you handle their truth?" Considering that after learning of this news we've been rocking ourselves in the fetal position for the last twenty minutes while we wait for the hypervenitalting to subside (while typing this post simulataneously-- we're good at multitasking that way), we have to say "No Google News! We cannot handle your truth!" A "daily snack" you are indeed, Google!

26 September 2005

Inaction/ Poverty Rewarded, Sort of

If you're poor like us, you could only drool mournfully over the recent release of the iPod Nano, because as always, cool shit is expensive. Granted, we probably could almost afford one of these toys, coming in with a relatively reasonable MSRP of $250. But then we'd have to compromise our robust alcohol budget for at least two weeks, and that would really cramp our style. It's a lot more fun to literally drink away your money problems than actually confront the fact that booze is the actual "problem." What were we talking about? Red Stripe? Oh right, the Nano bullshit.

The afore alluded to "Nano bullshit" is simply that the Nano is, in fact, kind of bullshit. We were waiting for news of some major bug or design flaw, as it's always sort of inevitable with the first generation of any sophisticated electronic, and the Nano is no exception. There is an overwhelming amount of internet message board grumbling that the Nano's screen is the proverbial Achilles heel on the device, and it scratches, cracks and/or shuts off very easily-- and often inexplicably. This comes as good news to those of us who were going to get one "in just two more paychecks," because unlike our wealthier peers, we don't now have an expensive paperweight on our hands. Score one for the underpaid! Let's celebrate our triumph in serfdom with a few rounds of drinks. We're buying!

So, You're Saying Support Local Growers?

Border police have intercepted more than ten tons of Iraqi buds in the past year, which were part of a smuggling operation which finances Al Qaida operatives in Saudi Arabia and Iraq. Ten tons, man. Considering this doesn't even include what didn't make it to the evidence room, you know those border police have to be high as fuck! After all, they're reporting weed has overtaken alcohol and other illegal drugs as the contraband of choice for smuggling. Apparently, LTNA has something in common with Al Qaida.

Of course, this presents a fabulous opportunity for all of us to support the War on Terrorism: buy American. It's nothing but Humboldt County buds for us, from now until we defeat these evil terrorist organizations. In fact, we're going to buy an O, instead of the mere half we'd planned to pick up today. That's right. That's just the kind of patriotism we have. We will toke the bong of democracy, and blow the smoke from those glorious American buds in the face of terror, sitting on our couch of liberty. Let freedom ring!

God, This Industry Sucks

It seems like just last week we were making a disparaging reference to the Ying Yang Twins, only to come in this Monday morning to see that these two darlings of the southern rap scene are now going to be stahs-- movie stahs, we mean. Viagra Falls is the name of the film that will undoubtedly grace AFI's Top 100 list. It's about two guys from Atlanta (a real stretch for these two), who are minding their own biznass and working minimum wage jobs, when "a box full of Viagra falls into their laps." Tomfoolery, of course, ensues.

We had a whole sarcastic diatribe planned for this post, but when we realized that the truth remains that this project IS GOING TO BE MADE and TWO NO-TALENT ASS CLOWNS WHO ARE RETARDED ENOUGH TO WANT TO BE CALLED THE FUCKING YING YANG TWINS STAND TO MAKE MILLIONS FROM IT, we sort of lost our gusto. Indeed, someone "has a case of the Mondays," and it is us. We'll collect ourselves and return with the same cheek you've grown to resent, shortly.

23 September 2005

Kate Moss Continues to Get Fucked Over

We took yesterday off from the whole "Cocaine Kate" scandal because it really is pretty exhausting and boring, after a while. But today, we're thoroughly hungover-- scratch that. We're still thoroughly wasted from last night, and need something easy to talk about. Page Six is reporting that Burberry, one of the three companies who have dumped Kate so far, is planning the ultimate bitch slap by replacing her with Sienna Miller.

If you have no idea why this is, indeed, a bitch slap, allow us to get you up to speed (so to speak). Sienna is the fiance of Jude Law, humiliated infamously during the recent Nannygate. Jude, meanwhile, was reported just this week to have had some kinky threeway action with Kate Moss and his ex, Sadie Frost. To make things spicier, this news came almost immediately after Jude finally reconciled with the estranged Sienna. So, in a really roundabout, passive aggressive way, Burberry is totally sticking it to Kate. We guess. Actually, now that we think about it, this is pretty irrelevant, even for Page Six standards, if there is such a thing. Whatever. We're off to get some muthafuckin French toast.

Christians Find New Way to Hate Gays

A Christian school has expelled a 14-year-old girl for having lesbo parents. Sadly, this story is not terribly surprising, except in that we don't hear about bullshit like this more often. The surprising thing, to us at least, is the wording of the school policy:

"School policy requires that at least one parent may not engage in practices 'immoral or inconsistent with a positive Christian life style, such as cohabitating without marriage or in a homosexual relationship.'"

So evidently, their policy is quite lax, as long as you're not gay. Or rather, we guess as long as one of the parents isn't gay. Sure, one of the parents gets shafted on being a murderer, rapist, pedophile or (gasp!) homo, but the other has carte blanche on the whole immorality tip. Yes, you're free to cohabitate with some dude who disappears mysteriously to various rest stops along the 5 freeway every night, as long as one of you is married to someone. At least these Christians have their priorities straight. Get it?! "Straight!" Weeeeeeeeeee!!!

22 September 2005

Lynch Opens Crazy School

For $75 (plus the cost of a plane ticket to New York, in our case), you can have the opportunity to spend an evening with David Lynch at a seminar on "Transcendental Meditation." The seminar is called "Is the Workplace Bad for Your Brain?" (Because we love you, we'll save you the $75 and tell you right now the answer is "yes.")

It's ballsy that Lynch is charging so much for people to be weirded out and confused by him, when really all you need to do is rent Lost Highway to have the same experience. Besides, the type of people to go to a seminar on "Transcendental Meditation" probably don't even have "workplaces." It's probably just going to be a bunch of angsty NYU film student starfuckers who don't see a problem with learning how to meditate from someone who is, very likely, certifiably insane. And paying for it. Don't get us wrong, we don't have some big problem with David Lynch or anything. But Blue Velvet was fuct up, dude.

You Say You Wanna Start a Revolution? Well, I'm Too Stoned

Some top secret FBI papers that were just released yesterday reveal that John Lennon was once considered a Commie bastard/ threat to our freedom. The Man thought he was leading a pack of revolutionaries who were going to "hijack a Republican conference," whatever that means. The reason they ruled him out as a threat to democracy: He was totally stoned, man. That's right. Lennon's constant puffing of the kind bud, paired with his affinity for gack and hard candy, led the feds to realize he was just too damned high to get his shit together for any sort of revolution, even if he wanted.

This is really interesting news. At least we know what alibi to use next time we're wrongfully accused: "No, Officer. I couldn't have robbed that pet store. I was too stoned. Nintendo. So, I just stayed home listening to American Hi-Fi and split an 8 ball with my pet monkey. Oh? You say the only thing stolen from the store was a monkey? Well, that's kind of weird. No, it was just me and Yayo-- my monkey's name is Yayo, by the way-- rolling blunts and doing rails off the back of a toilet. But, I sure hope you 'crack' the case!" Yeah, playful jesting is always a good idea when you're pretty sure you're about to be arrested.

21 September 2005

Things with More Appeal.7

In the interest of being cutting-edge, but not in a knife-wielding, threatening sort of way, we're going to recommend some Thing that is of questionable appeal to many: the rap. We're still getting to know each other (has it been seven weeks already?), and we don't know what your musical preference is. But, we decided to take this week as an opportunity to just put something out there. If you don't like it, just send it right back. This week's Thing, like us, is Blackalicious. Except, in their case, it is the name of the group, rather than a self-congratulatory adjective that isn't even a real word. That's why they get the initial capitalization.

Yes, Blackalicious is a rap group, in case you weren't sure. They're by no means "underground," at this point in the game; but, they sure as fuck aren't in the same stratosphere as the Ying Yang Twins, in terms of relevance and legitimacy in contemporary hip hop culture. In other words, if Trick Daddy is the sort of thing you're normally into when you feel the urge to hear some "mad beats," you might as well stop reading, sweetie. And, not just this post, either, 'cause we're done if we catch you kicking a Ma$e album under the seat next time you pick us up. And that's real.

But, in the event you don't listen to much hip hop, then this group might change that. In the event you do listen to much hip hop, and already like Blackalicious and similar artists (we really need to spend more time together, jelly bean), then you probably already know that they have a new album coming out next Tuesday. And in that case, why don't you grab a box of Franzia on the way over tonight, and we'll get shitty listening to Blazing Arrow in anticipation of the new album. You already know that after a few glasses, the 5 CD changer will put on Ralph Tresvant, and then that shit's on like Monkey Kong. See you between our knees at 8!

Uh, This Is Starting to Freak Us Out a Bit

Google, search engine, cum email service, cum earth atlas, cum IM service, cum blog search engine, cum all over our keyboard because Google is so freaking amazing, can now add archaeologist to its list of hyphenates. It turns out that some nerd was looking at some Google Earth satellite images and discovered some ancient remains in Rome. That's fucking crazy, in case you didn't realize.

The nearly daily reports of some crazy shit Google has accomplished are causing us to speculate on what else Google might accomplish in the near future. Like, maybe Google Earth will be the one to find those WMDs that no one else seemed to be able to find. Or Atlantis/ anything else less politically polarizing. Or, better still, our one true love!

Oh, who are we kidding? Our one true love is Google, Inc.! Nothing comforts us bloggy sorts like the cold, steely embrace of faceless artificial intelligence. We're just old fashioned that way.

Keeping It Real Bound to Go Wrong, Again

There's this Dutch guy who wants to mainline some Harry on his talk show, in an effort to "reach young audiences on topics that touch their lives," according to the producers. Now, even in the liberal Netherlands (or as we like to call it, Xanadu), where weed is legal, this is still a bit much. Some people (read: straight-edge freaks) are flipping out, of course. But the naysayers are jeopardizing what might be the ultimate in reality teevee. This beats the cock'n'balls out of America's Cutest Retards or whatever the fuck Fox has slated for the fall season. We can't wait to see this shit flood the internets when/if it's taped!

Chanel Bumps Kate

The bad news just keeps coming for Kate, doesn't it? After getting kicked to the curb by H&M yesterday, Chanel has decided to follow suit (heh-- something about this story just inspires one delicious pun after another), and isn't renewing her contract, which is up next month. And as you can see from the photo above (Google News just makes it too easy, seriously), she isn't taking it too well. She better get back on the drugs fast, because it's one thing to be unemployed. But it's a whole other thing to be unemployed and fat.

20 September 2005

Lil' Kim Not Raped Yet

Lil' Kim has been in the slammer for two days now, and seems to be in pretty good spirits. She says "I am blessed to have so many great things in my life - family, friends and God," which is sort of funny, because she's in there for perjury, i.e. lying under oath, i.e. swearing to this "God" character in a U.S. court that she was being truthful, when she wasn't. "Queen Bee"? More like "Queen Irony"! Get it? She kills us!

Kim stopped at a Roy Rogers for fried chicken on the way to turning herself in. This one's just too easy.

Despite her positive outlook, Kim is still pissed about being sent to such a tough prison camp. Evidently she's not in the Martha Stewart/ roughing it on a mere 300 thread-count set of Egyptian cotton sheets type of correctional facility, and is instead in the regular/ skull-fucking with a broken broom handle type of prison. You know, the kind with black guys.

H&M: Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

"Fashion giant"* H&M has pulled the old switcheroo on Kate Moss. They've decided her penchant for hoovering rails off a CD case isn't part of the image they're going for after all (despite H&M's penchant for employing emaciated models), and have cancelled her contract. We're sure this comes as a blow (ha!) to Kate, as now she only stands to make around 4 million pounds this year, instead of five. Pity. Guess she'll have to downgrade her tooter from a five pound note to a one pound, like the rest of the peasants.

[*We're using quotation marks here because we shop at H&M, and the fact that we can afford to shop there pretty much nullifies any chance of them being considered titans of the fashion industry. What we're saying is, H&M is a glorified $10 store, okay? It's just Conway with better lighting. And if you don't know what Conway is, then we don't give enough of a shit to explain. Alright then. Just wanted to clear that up.]

19 September 2005

Will There Be an Awesome Car Chase Afterward?

A doctor in Cleveland is interviewing volunteer candidates to attempt the world's first ever face transplant surgery. We shit you not. We realize that you can pretty much throw a rock in Cleveland and hit a prime candidate for a face transplant (BUUUURN!), but for a procedure as insanely dangerous as this, it's kind of surprising that there are people lining up for it.

The doctor in charge of this whole, um, operation really intends to develop the procedure for victims of disfiguring accidents-- like being from Cleveland (DOUBLE BURN!). She wants to help those who would otherwise never have a chance to look natural and normal. So yes, the obvious solution is to sew on some cadaver's face.

Well, on the slim chance this doesn't end in total disaster, this certainly will make things much easier next time we decide to rob a liquor store. We just have to remember not to ask for "the Todd Bridges."

Courtney Goes to Rehab 13: "12 Steps from Liberty"

What better way to start off the week than with the person we love to pretend to hate posting about? (Besides, we need a distraction after last night's travesty wherein Jeremy Piven was shafted at the Emmys.) Let's get it goin' with a little Love letter.

Courtney Love, notorious denizen of rehabilitation facilities, has finished up her previously mandated 28 days, only for the judge to be all, "Just kidding! You're going back for six more months you crazy bitch! I'm Ashton Kutcher! I'm awesome!" (We're paraphrasing, here.)

Yeah, so until March 2007, it's going to be nothing but group sessions and Ding Dongs for poor old Courtney. At least, that's what we imagine rehab is like. Course, they might have Lil' Debbies. That'd be pretty sweet, too.

16 September 2005

Kate: Go Fuck Yourself, Planet Earth

With yesterday came the "breaking" news that Kate Moss loves yayo. So, one would think, today would bring the ritual issuing of denials by publicists, lawyers and perhaps Kate herself.

Instead, what we have today is Kate's dad saying he's "not surprised" at this news at all. Follow that up with Kate's statement: "I don't want to know. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off! Just fuck off," and you have what is perhaps the most ballsy reaction to being caught dancing with the white lady ever. Suddenly, Kate Moss is sort of cool, you know? Sort of punk rock. She gets caught on video doing some rails, and responds with "Whatever! I do what I want!" This inspires us so much, we're sort of overcome.

Quick! Someone call Ray Ray! Then, get a hooker's ass and the Hi-8. Let's fucking party!

Give Me Your Hungry, Your Sexually Deviant, Your Perverted...

Look, we're feeling sick today, okay? We weren't going to post at all after hugging the porcelain shrine in the bathroom at work this morning (thank God for private stalls), but we've managed to pull ourselves together. For you. We just wuv you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

The Smoking Gun has obtained a copy of the Hooters Employee Standards Handbook which, in truth, is kind of amusing. And apparently, according to their strict codes, it is NOT okay if your waitress has her ass cheeks hanging out of her shorts. Ass cleavage is too smutty even for a restaurant whose gourmet menu item is hot wings. On the other hand, if your rogue waitress does give you some extra buns after dropping off your burger, you're totally allowed to catcall and make any other remarks that would be considered "rude" or "lecherous" on the outside. That's right folks, just because you're a "married man" or "convicted rapist" doesn't mean you can't still get your rocks off. Hooters will accommodate.

15 September 2005

BREAKING: Foxy Not Just Slut, but Drunk Slut

Foxy Brown has been sloppin' around P.M. in New York, getting down with Tyson Beckford one night, and NBA baller Chris Webber the very next night-- while Tyson was pretending not to be jealous in the adjacent booth. Oh snap! Damn gurl. You nasty.

While Page Six shares this bit of gossip as evidence of Foxy's game and sexual prowess (paired with her being wasted), we think it's simply a case of Foxy making her vagina easier to fuck than a hole in the ground. Throw in a few Appletinis and it's time to play "Who's Dick Is It?" Honestly, when we did a search for a picture of her to put up with this post (the thumbnails make the page look oh-so-much nicer, don't they?), not one of the images returned had her wearing, you know, actual clothes.

So Tyson, if you're still bummed over Foxy playing you like that, allow us to comfort you. Unlike Foxy, we don't have chlamydia and crabs. Besides, that bitch is busted, and has been hitting the pork rinds and quarter waters pretty hard, lately. Two words, Foxy: Ab Lounge.

Kate Moss Gets the Good Shit

Is it ever "breaking" when a celebrity is reported to be a cokehead? No, we suppose not. But, what the hell? It's always fun!

For those who are either so completely naive they didn't know this already, or who were too busy not giving a shit about waifish models to have formed an opinion, Kate Moss is reportedly a firm believer that candy makes you dandy. The Daily Mirror claims to have exclusive photos of Kate at a recording session with her boyfriend's (notorious druggie Pete Doherty) band, where she cuts some twenty lines of blow in 40 minutes for herself and the other partiers. (Not to brag, but we've beaten that record.) The article goes on to describe her behavior at length, but if you've ever hung out with some Tri Delt sorostitutes at 4 in the morning, it's probably a familiar enough scene to you.

On the plus side, chubby girls who have been trying to get Kate's lithe figure all these years finally know her secret: do lots and lots of cocaine and alcohol, and then lie about it. Beats the fuck out of South Beach, doesn't it!

UPDATE: Gawker has one of the photos!

Jersey Is the Worst Place on Earth

At least three mice escaped from a lab in New Jersey. (Evidently, even mice are smarter than Jersey residents with regard to how shitty a place "The Garden State" is, and know you get the fuck out at the first opportunity.)

The problem, though, is the mice were infected with the plague. The fucking plague, man. The FBI is saying the escaped mice shouldn't really be a threat, since there are no indications of terrorism, and the mice probably died quickly. That's comforting, yeah?

It's news to us that they even still have the plague-- we thought that went out ages ago, along with dying of "consumption" and surgery without anesthesia. What is not surprising, however, is that if there still is the plague, of course it would reside in fucking Jersey with the rest of the gum-chewing, teased-hair, bridge and tunnel trash. Gawd we hate Jersey.

14 September 2005

Things with More Appeal.6

It's Wednesday, sweetest. That, of course, means it's time for our one and only semi-dependable weekly posting of some Thing that we would like to pass along to you. And after referencing a certain flick twice in our last post, this week's Thing seemed inevitable-- a natural outgrowth of our own lack of imagination and malaise. Hackers, starring Jonny Lee Miller, Angelina Jolie, Jesse Bradford and (*shudder*) Matthew Lillard, truly does have a special place in our heart. Even Marc Anthony, the original pioneer of the "AIDS Patient Chic" look, has a small part in it. Although, that's not really a draw, is it? Hmm...

Moving on. The movie is about this group of high school kids who are computer geenyusses. After Joey (Bradford) inadvertently "hacks the Gibson," shit really hits the fan for our creatively-dressed heroes, and things start to get juicy. We'd explain further what "hacking the Gibson" means, but we don't want to give too much away. Also, we don't feel like it.

What really matters now is not the plot. You just need to know this movie is awesome, and particularly amusing to watch now, in the days of wireless internet and Google-equipped cyborgs (really! We saw one on the bus yesterday!). There's one scene that has been rendered unintentionally hilarious by the passage of time, wherein Dade (Miller) is drooling over Kate's (Jolie's) new laptop, which resembles a telephone book, while she brags casually about its 28.8 bps modem.

But, we digress. Watch the fucking thing. It has something for the laydees (Miller) and someting for the fellas (Jolie), and centers around a subculture in early 90s New York that never actually existed (trust us-- we were there), so that's always fun. Come on over and we'll have a private screening. We'll make Rice Krispies treats! (Note: By "make Rice Krispies treats," we really mean "slather our genitals in Fluff." But, you already knew that after last week, huh? Also, did you get our mix-tape? The third song on side A is so our song now!)

Paris Screws Unnamed Teen

You undoubtedly remember when Paris Hilton's Sidekick was hacked a few months ago, and her rolodex was posted on the internets-- along with some revealing pictures which further solidified her reputation as a slut-bag whore. Well, the kid who hacked into her phone, whom we'll just call "Zero Cool" for now, has been sentenced to 11 months in juvie, after pleading guilty to the charges. Even after all that, he still has two years of probation where's he's not allowed access to any technology which would give him to access the internet.

To us, this seems like a steep punishment, since all he really did was give Paris Hilton more undeserved publicity, and put some pictures on the web of her tits-- which everyone has already seen anyway. In the meantime though, we're going to set to work acquiring his life story rights and adapting it into a sequel to Hackers. We've already worked out a cameo with Angelina!

Google Does Something Else

It seems like every frigging week Google unveils the latest step in their plan for global indexation (yes, "indexation" is a word, we've just decided). This week, they've launched a beta version of a blog search engine, which indexes "every site that publishes a Web feed." That means they're not limited to Blogger blogs, or any other blog services, for that matter. We're not 100% sure what the implications of this are, but we know it's a big deal. Because Google is doing it. And Google is all about getting some stank on his hang-low, know'm sayin'?

Between this and their recent announcement of their plan to destroy all information that they can't index, we figure we should be living like the Jetsons post-haste. Seriously, it's two-thousand-freaking-five, and we don't even have rocket packs yet. WHERE ARE THE FUCKING ROCKET PACKS?!

13 September 2005

Astrodomers Get Star Treatment*

Leave it to Hollywood to remain self-serving, even in charity. Refugees from Hurricane Katrina who are staying at the Astrodome needn't worry about the fact that they've lost family members and possibly everything they own, have no place to live and have only food that has been donated to eat. Forget all that stuff-- it's incidental, and certainly secondary to the devastating lack of Star magazines for the survivors in this time of crisis.

But, fret not! The publishers of Star are donating copies of the zine to the Hurricane victims, out of the goodness of their hearts. Between this and the free screening of The Man lined up, we must admit we're kind of jealous of the lucky folks staying at the Chateau Astrodome! After we'd lost nearly everything, it would be of utmost importance to us to know exactly how thin Nicole Richie has gotten, above all else. *Sigh* This kind of shameless self promotion generosity just makes us all warm and fuzzy inside.

[*You probably think you hate that pun more that we hate ourselves for making it, but you're wrong about that. Very, very wrong.]

Colin Farrell Gets Wasted Again

Colin Farrell is fast on his way to the annals of celebrity fuck-ups, filled with tales of Anne Heche and Margot Kidder. Page Six is reporting that he was spotted stumbling alongside a road in Palm Beach, apparently trying to hitchhike. A female and her male companion picked him up, and he was beyond smattered. After taking him back to his hotel, he invited them up to his room. The two squares declined, politely.

In truth, this sounds like a typical Wednesday night for us, but we're not famous celebrities, so that's what makes our "one step away from rock-bottom" lifestyle so awesome. At least, that's what our friends say. Except they don't say it's "so awesome." Instead, they usually say "so pathetic and disturbing. You need to get help."

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. So, in conclusion, Colin Farrell knows how to fucking party.

Guy Ritchie's New Movie Sucks

Guy Ritchie's newest flick, has been shit-canned by critics after it premiered at the Toronto Film Festival. This is particularly unsettling, because the new movie is not Swept Away 2: I'm Totally Whipped and Only Make Movies About My Wife Now, which would explain the awful reception of the film. Rather, the new movie, Revolver, is a gangster movie, with Ritchie returning to his Lock, Stock/ Snatch type roots that we've all come to know and love (almost as much as we love dags). Even the cast is juicy: Ray Liotta (dope!), Jason Statham (sweet!) and even Andre 3000, who took a break from his busy chinchilla poaching schedule to work with Ritchie. We can only hope that this bad word-of-mouth is indicative of some stuffy critics being unwilling to "think outside the box" and embrace Ritchie for all of his post-modern glory. Or some bullshit. Because we've been really stoked to see a new Ritchie gangster movie anyway for the last, oh, FIVE FREAKING YEARS or so, and we seriously don't want this one to suck. M'kay? Alright then.

12 September 2005

Were You Still Freaking out a Bit?

Because we owe you at least one more post today (in case you hadn't noticed, on days when news is painfully slow/ days we're lazier than usual, we find it difficult even to adhere to our extremely easy unspoken rubric mandating a mere two posts per day), here you go.

New shit has come to light, man. The power outages in L.A. that occurred this afternoon were not the result of a poorly costumed Orange County man masquerading as a terrorist, as last night's 10 o'clock news tried to scare you into believing. No, some fuckwads at the L.A. DWP in Burbank screwed up, and that's why things were momentarily inconvenient from the Valley all the way to Downtown L.A., earlier today. Rest assured, if a real terrorist attack comes, it won't be something to which Fox 11 ("Just you watch!") will be privy in advance. And, you can pretty much forget about them having taped "evidence" too, because if they're not even going to interrupt Family Guy to tell you about it, they're clearly calling bullshit on themselves, and trying to trick the less cynical into watching their crappy news in the next hour.

Wait, that's not very comforting, is it? Erm, well, you can always move somewhere that no one-- especially a fake or real terrorist, cares about. You know, like Canada. Zing!

Oh, So That's Who's at Fault

Oprah is demanding that America apologize to the survivors of Katrina. Whatever that means. Oprah is the latest to take a break from bitching about the staff of Hermes and jump on the bandwagon of finger-pointers in the aftermath of this disaster. Of course, making a nebulous statement like "America needs to apologize" will undoubtedly be heeded and praised, simply because Oprah is saying it, and not Sean Penn or someone less cuddly. We also like how she casts blame on America as if it were a tangible unit, a sentient individual who can be held accountable, not a collection of millions of persons who reacted or failed to react to Katrina in a myriad of ways. No, Oprah can see beyond such idiotic "facts" and knows exactly who is at fault-- and it's certainly not the President (that wouldn't be ratings-friendly, would it?), it's America, that unfeeling douche bag, and he needs to say he's sorry. (Incidentally, Ope, is America a he or a she?) Thank goodness we have Oprah to guide us with vague, non-polarizing-yet-still-sassy condemnation, so we all know that we've truly fucked up. Indeed, up with Ope, down with dope!

09 September 2005

But, Does Madge Drink the "Protein Shake"?

Guy Ritchie is totally whipped. While he would like to hit the pub with friends at least three nights a week, Madonna doesn't let him get shitfaced more than twice a week. We know! What a bitch!

Oddly enough, Ritchie seemed rather matter-of-fact about this whole dynamic, saying "he often has to eat 'humble pie' to please his pop star wife - but claims that is the secret of their successful marriage."

Right-o. So, are we right to assume "humble pie" a euphemism for "Madonna's beaver"? At first, we thought this interpretation was a result of our own pervy leanings, but then the article continues with a direct quotation from Guy saying "Ultimately it boils down to the same thing all relationships boil down to - eating humble pie."

Mmhmm. So remember fellas, if you want the relationship to last, be sure you always order the fish taco, with a side of bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Look, We're Short on Material Today, Okay?

To emphasize how slow the news is today, we didn't even bother to look for a different picture of our favorite college dropout to put up with this (second in a row) Kanye-themed post. That's how we roll.

So, you know how George Bush doesn't care about black people? Well, now we can all dance about it (we black folk are the big butt-havin, wide nose-breathin', best dancers, after all), courtesy of a remix of "Gold Digger" incorporating Kanye's newly famous words. It's the second one down. Enjoy!

[Source: A Socialite's Life]

Kanye Gets Ashlee Simpsoned

Drudge is reporting that Kanye West was booed rather emphatically during last night's NFL kickoff show, presumably because he kept it real on NBC's fundraiser last Friday, charging Dumbya for not caring about black people. Kanye's performance was beamed via Satellite from L.A. into the Boston stadium, so maybe everyone was just mad that he didn't bother to show up in person, gracing the crowd with his unique combination of preppy and hip hop fashion sensibilities. Um, with a backpack, also.

Oh, okay no? It was because of the tirade on NBC? Well, agree to disagree. Per Drudge, this is still "developing..."

08 September 2005


This is pretty shocking. Honest. Defamer-- you know, the good blog, is reporting that E! is already saying it's last call for Taradise, f/k/a Wild On Tara. We really are surprised by this, as "vapid drunk slut with a passport and camera crew" seems to be as good a pitch for a show as anything else currently airing on the network. Maybe E! is just making a preemptive strike against going bankrupt-- they foolishly agreed to pay for all of Tara's drinks in her contract. (We've never claimed to be above lame jokes like that one.) Poor Tara. Nothing ever seems to go her way.

Admittedly, we watched the premiere episode... and no others after that. Hey, we're busy sloppin' around and having our own tits fall out to watch someone else do it during prime time, or "gin o'clock," as we call it. Chin up, Tar. We just know you have plenty of bad career decisions ahead of you.

We Refuse to Put a Tom Cruise Pun Here

In case you thought TomKat was finished jumping the couch, it just got even creepier. The depths of Katie Holmes' bainwashing have gotten deeper (or perhaps they added another couple of zeroes to that check-- erm, we mean, perhaps she's fallen even deeper in love with her heterosexual, amazing, amazing man), as she now wants to go by Kate Cruise, once she starts bearding-- uh, that is, once she marries Tom. Yes, not only does she want to take his last name, but she wants to be called Kate, as that's what Tom calls her. We noticed this peculiarity when he went on Oprah, at the very beginning of this whole charade-- we mean, love parade. Wow. The Tourettes is really acting up today! Sorry 'bout that, you pigfuckingcocksucker! Ahem.

Yeah, so in conclusion, they're just really in love, and there's nothing wrong with that. Right, Tom Cruise's lawyers? We all agree, and we're personally super happy for them.

[Source: In Touch via The Superficial]

But, Where Do They Get the Tiger Pee?

Don't even know where to begin with this one. Those wacky Chinese, with their Communism and cigarette-addicted chimps, have gone one better. A restaurant in northeastern China boasted dishes with "illegal" tiger meat (apparently yes, there is some other, non-illegal, kind of tiger meat), and they were caught-- probably because they were advertising the illegal tiger meat dishes. Then, when the fuzz came to investigate, the restaurant owner confessed it wasn't really tiger meat.

Don't breathe a sigh of relief yet. It was donkey meat (which, btw is perfectly legal), soaked in tiger urine. Tiger. Urine.

It seems the tiger piss gives the dish "that special 'tang'" which allowed the restaurant to fool unsuspecting customers. You know, like how Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper? Well, donkey meat marinated in tiger peepee is like the Suave shampoo of the illegal tiger meat market: Can you tell which of these women paid $965 for her tiger-bowl, and which one paid half as much for her equally "tangy" tygur-bowl? We can't!

With Owen Wilson, Could They Use His Own Nose?

This Romanian guy was getting some surgery on his nuts three months ago, when the surgeon fucked up big time and severed his penis.

We can imagine the sharp intake of breath that followed your reading that last sentence, perhaps accompanied by an instinctive grab for your own goodie bag. As it happens, we don't even have a penis and that was certainly our reaction upon first reading that bit of news.

But, the newer news on this story is that the man is actually going to get a brand new detachable penis. They're going to make it out of the skin from his forearm. Guess this brings a new meaning to the notion of "foreskin!"

[SFX: Rimshot]

07 September 2005

Things with More Appeal.5

It's about that time, lover. Time for us to suggest some Thing that we think may enrich your life. This week, we decided to stray from our trusty comedy/ pop culture stock, and recommend an actual factual book-- with pages!

Sorry if you thought the picture above meant that this week's recommended Thing was that Ponderosa by Green Acres (big ups if you're from Queens and understand that reference). We haven't been there since that time we went with our brother and Dad after seeing He-Man: Masters of the Universe for the second time at the neighboring theater, and recent visits home have shown it's fallen to severe disrepair.

But, let's get on with it. This week's Thing is a book called The Meat You Eat: How Corporate Farming Has Endangered America's Food Supply by a guy named Wendell Berry. Now, before you jump to any conclusions about this being more of our hippy bullshit, keep in mind that most hippies are too busy not showering to maintain a blog. Second, we happen to eat meat, so this isn't some underhanded way of trying to promote vegetarianism or veganism. Well, we don't dig on swine, but it's just 'cause that shit is gross.

What this book is about is the factory farming practices in the United States, and if you're too busy enjoying your ignorance to read Fast Food Nation (which you really, really should), you should at least have the self respect to have a cursory knowledge of what you're shoving down your steak and kidney pie-hole. If anything, this book will gross you out enough to make better decisions which will definitely behoove you and your health in the end. Not to mention taking down those capitalist pigs, one citizen buy one (up yours, Ray Kroc!). Yeah!

You don't even have to buy it, if you don't want to. We didn't. This book and other titles are available at your local library! Come on. Give a hoot, as The Bible suggests. (Wasn't that The Bible? "Leviticus 4: something or other?) You owe it to yourself to find out what the fuck they're putting in our food. There's a reason Whole Foods sells something as esoteric as "Organic Free-Range Grass Fed Beef," and there's a reason people like us buy it. Haven't you ever noticed that no one would ever eat a McNugget without that crispy, delicious breading? Or would anyone ever eat a Big Mac without 3 Kamikazes, two Hurricanes and an Adios at 4 a.m. when everything else is closed? Then put down that burger and start reading. Wuv yourself and much as we wuv you, sweetums.


Quasi-German Arnold Not Down with Sausage!

California's State Assembly passed a bill on Tuesday to legalize gay marriage. But, Gov. Schwarzenegger has already pretty much said that he's just going to veto the whole thing, "'cause that shit's gay." (Okay, that's not actually a real quotation, but it might as well be.)

We assume that Arnold's stance on this is only to uphold his manly, Republican image to his puppeteers in Sacramento. Obviously, those people haven't seen Junior. Further, they seem to be neglecting the fact that most gay men did not spend the greater part of the 80s nuts-to-butts with Lou Ferrigno, whereas the same cannot be said of our fine Governor. But, whatever. Let us straight people remain singlehandedly responsible for the 63% of marriages ending in divorce. (Okay, that's not actually a researched statistic, but it might as well be.)

In Case You Didn't Already Regret Rolling

Scientists are always either buzz-kills, or always pointing out shit we already know. In this instance, it's a little from column A, and a little from column B. Apparently, all you candy-ravers out there-- both active and retired (although, if you're enough of a dumbfuck loser to still be rocking Jnco jeans, a Cat in the Hat hat and a fucking "binky," you're way beyond deserving advice), need to start pounding Naked Juice by the gallon. E makes you more prone to disease by weakening your immune system. The article also says ecstasy users who develop depression from using the drug are often unable to get any effect from Prozac (that shit's weak anyway) for relief. Bummer, man.

We think it's fairly obvious that "a weakened immune system" is the scientists' attempt at saying: "Those Euros were fucking strong, and you ate three, you twat. Welcome to the wild world of genital warts. Yes, the series of bad decisions you made at that warehouse in east L.A. didn't end with talking to that guy with the glowsticks (glowsticks!) about how 'amazing' he was-- and how he was 'not just amazing with the glowsticks, but with his whole being, you know? Because you just meet some people and feel like they're sooooooo amazing that, like, you know you'll know them forever because you met them for a reason. You know?' Yeah. So, you should probably get some topical cream, ASAP."

Yes, it seems pretty obvious to us that that's what those scientists are really saying.