31 January 2006

First Alito, Now This?!

Just when you think that the United States government can't be any more terrifyingly absurd, you read about a self-proclaimed vampire/ gubernatorial candidate for Minnesota (pictured) getting arrested for stalking and "escape." And, the guy's name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey. Bear in mind, this is the state whose current governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, is a former wrestler.

Sharkey gained national attention last month, with his platform of tax breaks for farmers, better benefits for veterans, and impaling terrorists in front of the state capitol. You know, the ususal.

30 January 2006

Heterosexual Tom Cruise Refuses to Fuck Fiance

Pictures of like this of Tom Cruise are such a treat for us ladies. They show us what a real man looks like. This photo (I like to call it "The Pussy Inspector") is proof positive of Tom's heterosexuality, and leads one to wonder why these pesky gay rumors ever began in the first place.

Anyway. Reportedly, Tom
has stopped having sex with fiance "Kate" Holmes out of his fear of vaginas fear it could "negatively impact" the nonexistent baby. Putting aside the ludicrous and wholly untrue rumors that the two have never had sex in the first place because Tom is too busy having sex with men, I will say my sympathy goes out to Kate. So many women can only dream of a 5'4" couch-jumping vitamin-enthusiast trying to do you from behind with a paper bag on your head while insisting he call you "Ron," since that's the only way he can keep it up for more than 20 seconds.

Lucky for Kate, the no-sex-with-Tom is only temporary circumstance, and not a legally-binding permanent condition of a confidential agreement drafted by Tom's lawyers which doesn't exist. Isn't lurve beautiful?

27 January 2006

Inappropriate, Amusing or Inappropriately Amusing Headline Round-up

Call me crazy, but talking about new cancer drugs with the type of snappy language reserved for the Jack in the Box commercials seems like a bit of a faux pas.

Too easy.

[Amsterdam joke.]

And we have a winner! Quick, someone cue Clive Clemmons! INAPPROPRIATE!!!

26 January 2006


Continuing in their pursuit of world domination, the nerds at Google are developing an iTunes competitor of their own, with a beta version set to debut in 3-6 months. All the geeks seem to agree this is a logical step, following the launch of their media player back in September. Steve Jobs and the dorkwads, lamewads and other miscellaneous wads in charge over at iTunes shouldn't be the only ones nervous about Google getting into this already crowded game, even if they are, by far, the most successful service for music downloads, currently. Microflaccid, Crapster and others should also be wringing their hands. 'Cause Google is, like, really good.

We realize that for most people this isn't nearly as interesting as rocking out to "PopoZoa" ad infinitum. So with that, we encourage you to resume doing so, as we have been since yesterday. This is going to be the best album ever.

25 January 2006

If You Thought BET Was the Worst Thing You'd Ever Seen...

In an effort to reach new heights in poorly written and racially retrogressive programming, The WB and UPN have joined forces to create a new network, to be called "CW."

Once the mandatory brass knuckles are distributed, the network will air shows that are currently direct competitors on one unified network. (Sweet! No more choosing between Girlfriends and Reba!) The idea here is that this union will allow the two laughing stocks of network television to have the cache of all the, shall we say, "real" networks like CBS, ABC, Fox and NBC.

Although, considering NBC is going down the toilet with astonishing efficiency, their spot as one of the "big four" is increasingly tenuous with each new set of overnights and fast nationals. Once they leave it, CW will be sure to pull up quick and retrieve it, with such quality programming as Black Joey and My Name Is Black Earl. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah boyeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

24 January 2006

According to Blogshares, LTNA Is a "Blog in Decline"! :-)

I was going to do a real post today, but I just didn't see anything that was very amusing in the news. For reals. You know, like yesterday, wherein I opted to expound in a narcissistic vein, rather than fake it with some news item on Nicole Richie or Google, like I usually do. Also, I'm wearing that t-shirt I mentioned, so, um, well, you know... To be honest, I've been phoning it in since like, November...

But, I want to give you at least three minutes of relief from looking at the clock to see if it's time to go home yet, so enjoy this Sunday's The Boondocks comic strip. Click it for a larger view, and enjoy!

P.S. There is simply no way this new slang won't catch on. At least, not if I have anything to do with it. And, by "have anything to do with it," I mean "drive it into the ground with gross overusage."

23 January 2006

First Person, Singular

I'm done with the "we" thing, loyal readers. You see, when I started this blog, I was extremely worried about the, shall I say, "frank" nature of my appraisal of Hollywood and celebrities when I considered where I work (i.e. in Hollywood repping celebrities). Indeed, my shit-talking has often stepped on the toes of clients of my current place of employment-- starting with my very first post (I have now given far too many hints), so it could and perhaps should have gotten me fired by now. Thus, my so-called anonymity remained precious-- a code uncrackable by even the smartest of retarded monkeys! Use of the editorial "we" was my fail-safe in case I was outed. I could always claim there was more than one person editing this thing if it ever came into question. Ultimately, I've realized that I'm flattering myself to think that this blog is relevant enough to get me fired from Burger King, let alone from ------- ------ ------, considering my outright insolence toward my boss has not.

But, in truth, this change isn't really the result of that realization, as I had the realization some time ago. Actually, I am moving on to a new job, and have severe hubris which has intensified with each hour that has passed since giving my notice last week. I've even considered wearing a shirt to work that says "If you think I didn't give a shit before..." I should note, I would not wear this shirt only once. I would wear it every day for my last two weeks. Also, I wouldn't shower. And also, I'd be drunk. Sloppy drunk.

So yeah, new frontiers and all that. It's very easy to be excited about a new job when you haven't figured out how it sucks yet, so I'm enjoying that, at the moment. The best news of all is simply that there is no possible way I can hate it more than I hate my current job, so worst case scenario means I'll be hating a new job equally but for different reasons. Hooray for working your way up!

And yes, the new job is still in "the industry" so I will still have to watch my mouth (so to speak) and preserve my farcical anonymity. But, at least we can say goodbye to the "we" deal. Believe it or not, I liked it even less than you did.

20 January 2006

2006, A.D.: Apocalypse, Wow!

Jennifer Aniston is not having a very good 2005-2006, and the photo at left really captures the "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" attitude she must have at the moment.

In case the whole Brad-Pitt-leaving-you-for-Angelina-Jolie-only-to-make-yourself-even-more-pathetic-by-fake-dating-the-bloated-and-probably-gay-Vince-Vaughn thing wasn't bad enough, now "insiders" are saying Ange was taking fertility treatments to get pregnant, and it looks like she's actually knocked up with twins as a result. Between the possibility of there being not one, but two of the most freakishly perfect genetic combinations walking the earth by the end of this year, and the mysteriously shrinking TomKitten bump, we're pretty sure the end is near.

We're not too worried. They'll probably have Fruit Roll-ups and Ssips juice boxes. Maybe Dunkaroos. It won't be that bad. We're not entirely sure why we imagine armageddon as strikingly similar to the third grade. We just do.

19 January 2006

Brad Renfro on Drugs, Beginning to Resemble Ben Affleck, Scarily

Most of us remember Brad Renfro's hilarious boat-stealing antics of yore, but if you saw any recent issues of the L.A. Weekly, you know far too well that that shithead still has not gotten his act together. Indeed, he is the Corey Haim for a new generation, getting pinched for trying to score some H on Skid Row.

he's pleading not guilty, and his lawyer says "He's looking forward to resolving it all as soon as possible so he can get back to acting." His attorney failed to comment on the follow up question "Are you fucking kidding me? When the fuck was the last time Brad fucking Renfro was in a fucking movie? And no, soft-core porn doesn't count."

Seeing how fucked up Renfro's life is can be quite the boost to one's own self esteem. The fact that he had to go to Skid Row to score is pretty goddamned pathetic. At least we have friends (shout out, Treyvon!) who are more than happy to sell us some black tar or fine china, as the case may be. What kind of loser doesn't have friends who will sell him drugs in the comfort of a shady apartment in Culver City?

18 January 2006

Apple to Develop Cell Phone, Estimated MSRP $749

While Motorola is still smarting from the Rokr/ Nano debacle of a few months ago, Apple has been plotting the latest "dirty Goulet" (why yes, it is similar to a dirty sanchez!) sneak attack on the titans of the cell phone industry.

To wit, it seems more likely than ever that an "iPhone" is in the works. Word on the street is Apple is going with the less obvious, yet significantly more gay, "Mobile Me" as the name for their line of wireless devices. Their applications are already in at the U.S. Patent and Trade Offices, and it looks like they're developing some kind of blackberry slash music phone hybrid to try to put everyone else out of business. Well, at least until Google decides to start making cell phones. Free cell phones.

17 January 2006

Viagra Causes Blindness, Hairy Palms

A new study has shown that impotency drugs like Viagra and Cialis may cause blindness in one eye. The research suggests that those most at risk are men with a history of heart attacks, high blood pressure and diabetes. (Who's banging these geezers in the first place?)

The scientists aren't 100% sure that the blindness is a direct result of the drug, or if the blindness is caused by erectile disfunction itself. We're not 100% sure if "erectile disfunction" is the scientists' way of saying "bad aim." In any event, the "it's worth it" attitude shared by many Viagra-users after learning of these dangers is sure to foster a resurgence in the popularity of eyepatches in the near future. Pirate chic is so hot right now.

13 January 2006

No, Tinkerbell, That's Not a Fish Taco You're Smelling

This article says that dogs can smell cancer on your breath. No, really. It seems that, once trained to respond differently to cancer patients and cancer-free controls, the dogs have a 90% accuracy rate. Due to the metabolic waste produced by cancer cells, one's breath will contain elements that can be perceived by a dog's heightened sense of smell, which is up to 100,000 times more sensitive than a human's. It looks like drug dogs won't be the only pooches freaking us out, in the near future.

The implications of this are pretty bizarre. If doctors are seriously planning to start using dogs to help diagnose illnesses, they'd better at least equip them with little doggy lab coats and glasses so it still feels professional. And if they can train dogs to sniff out STDs too (pictured), well maybe it'll cushion the blow of the bad news.

[Insert Lede Here]

Oh, now they're just trying to be cute.

12 January 2006

Lindsay Lohan Should Have Been a Stripper

According to Kate Moss, that is. Page Six reports that the two ski slope-enthusiasts went to the infamous New York strip club, Scores, around 3 a.m. yesterday morning. Tons of beer, vodka shots and raspberry kamikazes (which sounds like the gayest drink ever) flowed-- of course, we're sure those were Shirley Temples the underage Lindsay Lohan was pounding.

Fueled by the alcoholic overconfidence we know far too well, Kate jumped up on the stage and started riding the pole, gyrating, etc. After a while, Lindsay joined her. Keep your pants on, spanky. Neither one of them got nekkid.

However, James Erdstrom, a stalkerazzi was a witness, and says the two made "frequent trips to the bathroom" (a-doy). On one of Kate's trips to the loo to powder her nose solo, she shouted at Hohan who was still onstage "You're a pro, Lindsay! You should do this for a living!" Well, someone was bound to say it at some point.

It's nice to see that Lindsay is dealing with the wholly untrue Vanity Fair article coming out, that has her so upset. You know, the one that talks about her drug use, bulimia and partying. Indeed, the best retort is to go to a strip club and get drunk as shit, dance on the stage and be totally obvious about the fact that you're completely blown. That'll show 'em, Linds.

11 January 2006

Angelina Jolie Really, Really Pregnant. Maybe.

According to someone who overheard someone else who read about someone who read this one magazine, Angelina Jolie admitted to some Dominican Republican charity aid worker that she is, in fact, pregnant. We've ignored the incessant rumors of this the same way we ignored the rumors of the Nick and Jessica Simpson split, at least until the point where it sort of seemed a little true.

After all, Angelina has been
covering her belly with frying pans and infants and such, whenever she's out in public lately. And, poor Maddox has had to become accustomed to walking on his very own legs, since Jolie hasn't been carrying him like she used to (she shouldn't be allowed to have more children, the barbarian!).

In any case, she does look pretty knocked up in the picture on the cover of People, so like, there that is. So, it looks like by the summer, the hottest human being ever will be born. Or, if God has the penchant for cruel irony we think he does, the most hideous human being ever will burst forth from Angelina Jolie's enchanted womb. Either way, it should be pretty amusing.

Colin's Farrell Unveiled

This took a little longer than we'd expected, but the Colin Farrell sex tape that no one cares about any more finally made it's way to the internets, only to be shut the fuck down by Colin's lackies promptly.

But don't you worry your pervy little heads, darlings. IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay has some stills up, which they stole from some other site, so go enjoy. When your boss stops by to investigate the mysterious repeated thumping sound emanating from beneath your desk, you can thank us. Don't forget the Kleenex!

10 January 2006


In accordance with our "fuck it all" mood of late (i.e., the "back at work blues"), we're not going to bother to write any jokes for these headlines. When it's this easy, it just doesn't seem worth it. But, feel free to come up with your own humorous zingers. Go 'head.

See? That wasn't very hard. Now you can understand that the deep-seeded cynicism and misanthropy which weave the rich tapestry that is LTNA is neither deep nor a rich tapestry. (This is true about most, if not all, blogs.)

Indeed, thanks to Blogger, any douche bag with delusions of wit can publish meaningless rants and insults against celebrities-- or any other topic of choice, for that matter. Hurrah!

09 January 2006

Have We Mentioned That We Really Like Howard Stern Yet?

Hey now! And so it begins: Howard Stern, uncensored. Today was the first broadcast of The (New) Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. True to form, we forced our eyes open to fumble clumsily in the dark for our stereo remote control at 2:59 this morning, to tune into the live east coast feed of this monumentous event. Riddled with technical difficulties (we wouldn't have it any other way), the show got off to a rocky start. But, the hype surrounding this day left Stern and the crew fumbling a bit themselves, as they were both ecstatic and bewildered at the fact that it's finally really, really happening.

The Chicago Tribune says the first show was crap, but we disagree. We've never even heard of that "paper" anyway; more to the point, we cannot deny our judgment is clouded by the fact that we're borderline superfans. In any event, we don't hesitate to acknowledge that there were some pacing and structure problems today, but it's mostly because there was too much to say and get to, rather than too little-- including a phony proclamation that Howard had finally made an honest woman out of Beth O. (alright, we confess, we believed him for a minute.)

You can read more about the first show here, and a full rundown should be up in a few hours. A couple of our favorite hilights are Howard Stern calling Martha Stewart's daughter "cunty" and having Artie proposition George Takei for anal. To think that it's only going to get better, once they find their stride. Damn, it's good to have them back.

06 January 2006

Okay, Okay. Maybe Just a Couple More Wire Hangers...

The New York Daily News has taken Lindsay Lohan's recent admittal of drug use and disordered eating as an opportunity to compile a rolodex of the worst stage-mothers and fathers ever.

They start off with Hohan's "mother," who brushes off Lindsay's fucked-upedness as "not as bad as it looked." ("Looked"? As in, past tense? 'Cause, last time we saw a picture of Hohan, things were still topping the charts on the Benny Scale...)

Then, the article moves on and we get a little taste of everyone from the Barrymores to the Federlines. Naturally, Joan Crawford had to be included in this directory of the pitfalls of celebrity procreation. Still, they'd better leave the annals open until Paris Hilton finally gets around squeezing out a few bastards. Those kids are guaranteed to be fucked up enough to make Joe Jackson look like a good father, by comparison.

05 January 2006

Paris Hilton? Dishonest? The Hell You Say!

Continuing in today's vein of non-shockers, Paris Hilton is a lying bitch. The story itself isn't really that interesting. It deals with a lot of she said/she said between Paris Hilton and Paris' Latsis' ex-girlfriend. The gist is just that the skanks had a run-in in some club, and Paris planted some story in Page Six months ago that made Paris 2's ex look like the jealous slut she probably is. Now, they're saying Paris lied under oath by denying she had anything to do with planting the libelous gossip in The Post, which contradicts the testimony of Paris' former publicist who insists she had him take dictation of exactly what was to be planted in the paper.

Or something. The point is, there's a sliver of a chance Paris Hilton will finally get her cumuppance (spell check?). Just don't get your hopes up too much, though. If we've learned anything from Tom Cruise, Robert Blake or O.J. Simpson, pesky things like "laws" simply don't apply to crimes against humanity, or even the classic crimes like murder, respectively-- as long as they're committed by the wealthy and/or famous. God bless America.

This Is What's Called a "Crutch"

Also BREAKING: Michael Jackson 'admits dabbling in little boys plastic surgery.'


(Not really.)

04 January 2006

David Letterman Is Generous

Oh snap! Letterman totally kept it real when Bill O'Reilly appeared on his show last night. After ripping on the Iraq war rather bluntly, O'Reilly was visibly put-off by Dave's candor. Then, Dave reached deep inside himself to find the little Wanda Sykes that lives deep inside each and every one of us, and told Bill O'Reilly like it is:

BO: If you want to question that, and then revamp an intelligence agency that's obviously flawed, the CIA, okay. But remember, MI-6 in Britain said the same thing. Putin's people in Russia said the same thing, and so did Mubarak's intelligence agency in Egypt.

DL: Well then that makes it all right?

BO: No it doesn't make it right.

DL: I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point on this, but I have the feeling, I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap. But I don't know that for a fact.

Paul Shafer: 60 percent.

DL: 60 percent. I'm just spit-balling here.

Only 60%, eh? Nice guy, that Letterman. If the transcript leaves you thirsting for the video of the talking heads,
watch it here.

Sad and Lonely, Sad and Lonely

It comes as a surprise to no one that David Lee Roth's debut yesterday on WXRK, Howard Stern's former home, totally sucked. He didn't talk about sex, drugs, bitches, tricks or whores. Instead, he talked about what he orders at McDonald's and made some lame Eddie Van Halen quips. Let's face it, the David Lee Roths, Corey Feldmans and Brad Renfros of the world are a complete waste of everyone's time if they aren't coked-up as fuck and drunk as shit.

Adam Corolla did a bit better here on the west si-yeed, on account of the fact he has...what's that stuff? Oh, yeah, experience. (Yes, apparently Loveline counts.) In any case, Joel Hollander, Tom Chiusano and all the rest were right to be freaked about replacing Howard Stern, because evidently, Howard can't be replaced. Let's start a pool on how soon it will be before Diamond David Lee Roth calls it quits/ gets shitcanned. We've got a dub saying it's on or before February 6th. Who wants in on this action?

03 January 2006

What? Did You Think the First Real Post Would Be about Paris Hilton?

The geeks at Google, whose business ethos seems to be a dangerous combination of Bill Gates' ambition paired with too much time playing Zero Wing, are already shaking things up in '06, sending Microsoft into a panic. Between Google's plans to release a low-cost computer with their own-- i.e., not Winblows-- OS, and the talk of a "Google Box" (that one's just too easy), which will allow people to transfer data files between their TVs and their computers directly-- i.e. high-quality Arrested Development episodes on your laptop nice and legally-- Microsoft is shitting a brick. There's even talk of Google getting into the pay-TV service, and making that free. That is, of course, after they finish equipping cities with their free WiFi service.

Microsoft's options include buying AOL and splitting them from TimeWarner, or going after smaller fish like IAC, in order to compete with Google. Yeah, we're sure if Microsoft gets Ask Jeeves under their belt, things will start looking up.

It looks like Yahoo, which spent a good deal of time and press trying to compete against Google in 2005 isn't doing so hot, either:

"Lloyd Braun, who was hired by Yahoo more than a year ago to oversee the Internet leader's foray into original programming on the Web, will exit after clashing repeatedly with Silicon Valley's laid-back culture."

Those of you who remember when Lloyd Braun had that nervous breakdown had to have seen this one coming. We sure did. But, that's what Yahoo gets for hiring someone fresh out of a mental institution.

In any case, 2006 is off to a tumultuous start in the world of the corporate fat cats. We can only hope that we plebes can somehow benefit from the fallout, wherein G5 laptops fall from the sky and babies are born equipped with Bluetooth technology. Serenity now, affordable sex robots later!

We Apologize for Nothing

So, it appears we were kind of lying in our last post, which inadvertently ended up being our final post of 2005. What can we say? The appeal of slopping around and watching approximately 10 hours of Degrassi per day was a much better way to spend our vacation than, say, penning pointless posts. The title of this blog never felt more apt until we weighed the appeal of coming up with cheeky ways to call Courtney Love a drugged-up slut-bag, against having another Boddingtons. So. There you have it.

In any case, we're back at our square job, and managed to catch up on our two weeks of work missed in about half an hour, so you can officially consider LTNA back. Officially. And now, we're off to look for sources to provide you with the same third-hand news you've come here for since 2005. Let's have a less suicidal happy new year!