20 December 2005

LTNA Throws a Freakin' Bone

So, um yeah... Sorry about the complete lack of posting yesterday, folks. Our place of work closed for the holidays on Friday, and we found it extra hard to give a shit about Britney Spears suing over a sex tape when we were able to start getting shitfaced on mojitos as early as noon, yesterday. Hooray for the holidays!

Nevertheless, LTNA will continue to be updated sporadically through the end of this week, when all you chumps who are still working finally get your holiday breaks. For the record, we're posting this from a public library, so none of youse can accuse us of not caring at all. (FYI, Our home internet connection is extremely unreliable, as for us "home internet connection" means stealing it wirelessly from our neighbors upstairs). It's just that we just don't care that much.

So now, we're off to look for something in the news to make fun of. We'll come back later. And by "later," we mean any time between one hour and this Friday. And for those of you reading this at work (i.e., all of you), take some solace in the fact that you just killed another, oh, minute and a half reading this pseudo-post. Zoooooooooom!

16 December 2005

Okay. We're Officially Obsessed with This.

Words. Cannot. Express.

Seriously. You just have to fucking watch this. Trust us. It will be the greatest thing you've ever done. This is up there with "The Superbowl Shuffle" or "I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac." And if you don't know what those are, then you are severely deprived.

[Thanks to D Listed for the link.]

Foxy Brown Is Mad Def Deaf, Yo!

Foxy Brown (the rapper, not the blacksploitation movie icon) is almost totally deaf, which she first discovered while recording her new album Black Roses. During a visit to the studio, Jigga wanted to know why the levels were "exploding loud." But to Foxy, they sounded fine, and her hearing has continued to deteriorate after that incident.

For example, recently, when H-to-tha-iz-O was like, "You look like a whore," Foxy continued dressing and acting like a whore like she always does, so she obviously didn't hear shit. At this point, she's reading lips. She's pretty good with understanding and responding to familiar phrases like "I'll give you some doughnuts if you let me teabag you. Glazed. No, not the doughnuts. My balls." She has a lot more difficulty with phrases that are new and complicated for her, like "You're a dirty bitch," or "Put some goddamn clothes on."

Luckily, Foxy's a "strong candidate" for some restorative surgery that she's set to have in January; but, in the meantime, she's been pacing her raps with the aid of someone tapping the beat on her shoulder. This method is sure to produce some Keller tracks on her new album. Get it? "Keller" tracks? Helen "Keller"? God, we're good. And by "good" we mean "self-loathing."


For us, today is a pretty big deal. It's the last day we have to toil in this urine soaked hell-hole of a job (until January, at least). But, much more importantly, it marked the last broadcast of The Howard Stern Show on terrestrial radio. There was a massive turnout at the parade held outside the Howard Stern Building which houses WXRK (K-ROCK, New York), Howard's old station, this morning.

We have to say we're psyched for his career on Sirius Satellite Radio to begin January 9th, complete with "the c-word." But, having listened to Howard since we were 13 years old, we have to admit even our frozen heart began to melt a little, during today's broadcast. We actually woke up at 3 a.m. to hear the live east coast feed, which reminds us: Where is that goddamn intern with our coffee?! Nevertheless, it was worth it just to hear Artie totally shitfaced on Jack Daniel's Single-Barrel before the sun was even up.

In any event, we just wanted to acknowledge the end of a very important era in radio, and moreover, in comedy. A caller this week shared a sentiment that we have felt as long as we've been listening to the show, which is that Howard is rarely recognized for his accomplishments as a great comedian. Howard Stern is much more than a "shock jock," as the obnoxious epithet used by so many media-types implies-- and he'll be the first to tell you so.

Just before Howard spoke at the rally this morning, Robin said in her own farewell speech that she's spent this morning like the last twenty years: Waiting to see what Howard has to say. Then, she added that she can't wait to spend the next five years, still waiting to see what Howard has to say. We couldn't have said it better ourselves (which is why we didn't try to).

So, even if you're not a fan of Howard, if you're a fan of comedy, take a shot from that flask in your bottom desk drawer today. It's a celebration, bitches.

15 December 2005

America's Next Top Cult Leader

After reading that the recently-resurrected Radar is already being put out of its misery, we felt a strange melancholy. Perhaps it was some kind of bizarre nostalgia-- a nostalgia for something we, in fact, hadn't ever experienced. Nevertheless, we were overcome when we passed by the newsstand during lunch and saw Angelina Jolie's face daring us to buy it ("'Scary Issue'? We'll see about that!"). It was, after all, our last chance to do so. We relented.

A quick perusal of the first half of it helped our unwarranted feelings of woe subside exponentially, as we turned one unimpressive page after another. But then, we came across page 29, which presents a serious examination of Tyra Banks as the L. Ron Hubbard for the new millennium. We always thought her large, sloping "fivehead" was a dead give-away of being part alien or something, but David Koresh in Victoria's Secret lingerie will work, too.

Radar had cult specialists examine the manipulation and mind control tactics employed by Tyra n' the gang on that show of hers (not the daytime one, Oprah, but Skinny or whatever it's called, the model one). It's actually pretty fascinating, and shed light on how diabolical Tyra Banks actually is. It actually made us hate her more, and we didn't think that was possible. Truly impressive. We could retype some hilites here for your enjoyment, but it's even easier for us to, well, not do that. Yeeeeeah...

Oh, and also, you can't look at it on the Radar website, because it's a zine exclusive. So, you know, bummer. We guess the point of this post (And, who are we kidding? There isn't one!) is just that Radar mostly sucked, so it doesn't really matter that it's going the way of the Zack Morris cell phone. But, after the "Tyra Banks is a cult leader" article, there's one on Sarah Silverman on the next page, so that's pretty cool. We're gonna go read that. This article's also online though, so you actually can read this article, instead of just reading about reading it. Go on, now. Git. Nothin' to see here.

Kanye West Is Modest

Many of us remember Kanye West's outburst the last time he was "shunned" at the Grammys, and didn't sweep the awards with College Dropout. We couldn't really indentify with his anger, since everyone knows the Grammys are total crap. Seriously, who the hell watches the Grammys?

Well anyway, this year Kanye's up for even more noms with Late Registration, and
is already saying this album will go down in the history books, adding that "10 years from now they'll look back at what [Late Registration] did for the game." Then he goes on to talk about how they waited a whole two weeks(!) for some harpsichord that they used on "Diamonds (from Sierra Leone)," and that's why he deserves to win every category for which he is nominated.

Now, we enjoy the Kanye West as much as the next jerk, but there's something to be said for humility. If he does manage to sweep this year, one can only wonder what sort of stunts the next crop of albums will have to pull, just to compete. Perhaps when Jay-Z comes out of retirement (you know it's going to happen), he'll release a third version of The Black Album with only the accompaniment of a theremin, sitar and dulcimer trio. Pharell set to produce.

14 December 2005

Annie Lennox Is a Rude Twat

At a screening of Annie Hall in London, Orlando Bloom sought to solidify his image as a heterosexual by approaching Annie Lennox for an autograph. Annie's reply? "I just want a quiet night. Please leave me alone and get a life."

Of course, after someone told her Orlando Bloom was Orlando Bloom, she rushed over to apologize and give him the autograph. Isn't Annie great? She made everything right, in the end. She's only a complete bitch to her non-famous fans. If you work a regular job, you can go fuck yourself as far as Annie Lennox is concerned; but, if you're a celebrity-- even one she's never heard of-- hey, let's party!

In a related story, we now fucking hate Annie Lennox.

In Xanadu, Everyone Drives a K Fed

Somethin's weird about this K-Fed's ride. Hmmmm... Maybe a closer look will tell us more.

Ah ha! That's no Ferrari! It's a Federline!

No, not really. Unfortunately, this photo is just a close-up of one of the personal touches K Fed has had added to his Ferrari. Sadly, K Fed isn't producing his own line of Italian sports cars for the public (i.e., LTNA) to enjoy. Yet. We'll go on dreaming of what could be, dreaming of the day we can cruise over to Roscoe's in a 2007 Federline Spyder with the factory installed stereo that only plays the "Y'all Ain't Ready" cassingle ad infinitum.

Yeah. Cassingle. We said it.

[Photos ganked from Hollywood Rag.]

Someone Else Doesn't Like Tom Cruise

Author Patricia Cornwell thinks Tom Cruise is fucking batshit may be acting irresponsibly with his cavalier dismissal of psychiatry. She expressed her fears, saying:

"There's going to be some girl or boy who worships this megastar, who decides, 'I'm not going to take my anti-depressants because Tom Cruise said I don't need drugs.'"

It is not 1995. If there are still young boys and girls out there "worshiping" Tom Cruise, then maybe we're the ones taking crazy pills because, to us, that's a huge problem in and of itself. Indeed, if Tom Cruise has secretly had a devout following of tweeners all hopped up on vitamins, exercise and sandwiches whom he's been grooming into some sort of Jr. Scientologist Militia, we're all in big trouble. Kids that age are far too young to be jaded and cynical, and realize Tom Cruise is seriously fucking batshit is slightly eccentric. Could this fiendish plan have something to do with all the time TomKat has been spending at peewee soccer matches, of late? Could the TomKitten be their unborn Messiah? Oh, dear. The pieces are fitting! None of us can hope to be prepared enough to handle the INTENSITY! Save yourselves!

BREAKING: Wikipedia Probably Not the Best Source to Cite in Your Doctorate Thesis

Due to a recent fraudulent entry on Wikipedia which linked former USA Today Editor John Seigenthaler with both Kennedy assassinations, the People in Charge at the online encyclopedia have been forced to state the obvious: Namely, that it's not really a wise idea to take information completely seriously when it's gotten from a site written, often anonymously, by any dickhead with a modem. You know, like this one.

Don't get us wrong-- we use The Pedia (that's the street name) fairly often, and have even linked to it here on LTNA on a few of our more-obscure-than-usual references. But our endorsement of Wikipedia is the ultimate testament to the type of behavior any self-respecting individual should avoid. Wikipedia, and for that matter any resource containing an extensive entry on Trapped in the Closet, is just not the type of source real grown-ups cite in their research. It's a good thing blogs don't have to be bothered with these pesky things like "sources with merit." In fact, we're off to The Pedia to read more about the subtle art of the donkey punch for our next post. Toodles!

13 December 2005

Chappelle's Show in '06. No Foolies.

The fabled DVD of completed sketches for the abbreviated third season of Chappelle's Show ( you know, from back in day, before Dave was all "fuck this bullshit and yo' mama's stank ass, too") is finally going to come out. Watch the trailer for it here, if you haven't already. Comedy Central doesn't give a date, or address whether they plan to air what they have on the network before the DVD's release, but at least they've finally acknowledged that Dave really isn't coming back. At last, they're ready to make money off of Dave anew, and that's the first step in healing, friends.

Let's Hope The Postman 2: Return to Sender Can Save '06

Movie audiences have made Kevin Costners out of all of Hollywood's power players this year, as the box office has had its worst year in nearly two decades. It's amusing to see all the suits wringing their hands and scratching their heads, trying to figure out whyohwhy they only pulled down $8 billion this year, instead of the usual 9. It really is quite befuddling to us too, honestly. Why aren't people rushing to the local googolplex eagerly, stampeding infants and the elderly who get in the way with their $10.50 in hand to see Michael Bay's latest vision? How could one resist any of these gems of '05:

In the Mix

The Honeymooners

Son of the Mask

Alone in the Dark

Get Rich or Die Tryin'

The Fog

It really is a mystery. We're going to go watch our DVD of The Dukes of Hazzard as a show of solidarity to our fallen executives, and more importantly, as an act of contrition for our peers who've neglected the box office gods. For shame!

"Most Expensive Piece of Ass I Ever Had"

One couple's attempt to join the Mile High Club went completely awry, after their alcohol-fueled monkey sex was so loud the flight staff had to break things up and send them back to their seats.

The tale continues, however. The couple, still totally shitfaced, decided to pick a fight with the staff for hatin' on their lovin'. The pissed/ pissed-off couple got so out of hand the plane's captain had to make an emergency landing in Bermuda. The couple may have to pay the $58,950 it cost to divert the plane, and they never even got to go to Jamaica, mon!

In a related story, LTNA has come into some legal trouble recently, and would appreciate it if any of our loyal readers could reach into their hearts, and more importantly their pockets to help out. We need to raise about 60 Gs, so dig deep, people. We accept jewels, doubloons, checks made out to "Cash" and anything else that we can fence. And if anyone knows a good lawyer for "air rage" cases, holla.

12 December 2005

A Blog Post about Another Blog's Post

Our earlier post, or ostensible lack thereof, about Richard Pryor's death was a pretty good indicator of how much the news bummed us out, leaving us sort of speechless (a rare treat). After all, this is supposed to be a fairly humorous site. Our failure of that is typically the result of a lack of talent, rather than anything emotional. We are, for the most part, quite dead inside; but in this case, we were saddened enough that there just wasn't any humorous take on Richard's death, for us. In short, we wanted to pay our respects, but didn't quite know how to reconcile our genuine mourning with our normal cheeky insolence. Hence, the bare-bones post of this morning.

Luckily, TAN seemed to handle the issue of blogging about Pryor's death a lot better than we did. We present to you a fictional interview between himself and the recently-deceased comedian, syndicated here. Enjoy!

The Assimilated Negro: so thank you for doing this interview with me today. It’s nice to have this sort of exclusive. And I know it’s a tough time right now.

Richard Pryor: It’s not that tough. I’d recommend more interviews getting done after motherfuckers die. There ain’t shit to do now, except think about shit, so it’s a great time for an interview.

TAN: so any immediate regrets ?

RP: yeah. Well I regret doing all those motherfucking drugs that probably cut my life short at least ten years. That MS shit ain’t cool. You kids probably think a motherfucker’s cool ridin’ in the wheelchair. Racing and poppin’ wheelies and shit. The shit ain’t cool.

TAN: I think us “kids” might surprise you. We’re not that into riding in wheelchairs. Or MS. But we are into you and your voice. What you represent.

RP: What do I represent? I know you motherfuckers ain’t trying to make a Martin or Malcolm out of me. That’s a little excessive. I’m just a nigga trying to be funny. Make other niggas laugh.

TAN: Yeah. And that can mean a lot. Being able to laugh is important. And you’re not Martin or Malcolm. You’re Richard. You’re your own thing.

RP: Yeah, well Martin and Malcolm didn’t kill themselves by doing too much drugs and shit. They didn’t light themselves on fire in a freebasing accident. You know what I’m saying? Them motherfuckers was focused.

TAN: Yeah. But they weren’t all that funny either. If guys like you didn’t help us laugh and poke fun at shit, then we wouldn’t be able to take guys like them seriously.

RP: what the fuck are you talking about nigga? You been hanging out with them white kids too much.

TAN: I’m just saying. Just because you’re a comic, that doesn’t make you any less of a leader, or an icon. But why does this feel like you’re interviewing me, instead of vice versa?

RP: Cause you’re a bad interviewer motherfucker. That’s why. And I don’t mean “bad” meaning “good” either nigga. I mean your interviewing stinks.

TAN: I thought you gave up saying “nigga” after your trip to Zimbabwe.

RP: I did nigga. Now I’m dead, and I’m saying nigga whenever the fuck I want.

[Read the rest here.]

Alec Baldwin Does a Great "Tony Bennett"

Did you catch Alec Baldwin on SNL this weekend? Fuckin' hilarious. And that Andy Samberg is so on our "To Stalk in '06" list, right under Finesse Mitchell. Oh, but this post isn't about that.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger's ridiculous divorce saga continues. Alec is now accusing Kim of giving their daughter Ireland specially made chocolates with messages written inside the wrappers, meant to turn the young girl against her father, such as "To my daughter Ireland, who gave me the strength, courage and tenacity to stand up for myself... Mom." If she really wanted to turn the kid off to her father, she would've just included the photo above inside the candy wrappers.

Even if Kim is doing something this insane and malicious, she's still a lot nicer that our parents. Growing up, our candies had much more disturbing messages inside. You know, like "You're adopted," or "We prefer your brother," or "You have diabetes. Enjoy your coma." Then again, perhaps communicating via candy really is a much sweeter (ha!) way to deliver bad news. If this catches on, we're sure a lot of dudes will begin to dread the day they get a Whitman's Sampler from a Courtney Love or Paris Hilton. But, at least they'll have some delicious candy.

Angelina Jolie Continues Being Every Man's Dream

"[Angelina Jolie] is beautiful. Her mouth is amazing. I've never kissed anyone with a bigger mouth than Angelina. It's like two water beds - it's like this big kind of warm, mushy, beautiful thing."

This is a direct quotation from Jenny Shimizu, supposedly Angelina Jolie's lesbian lover of ten years. Jenny goes on to say that she doesn't see an end to her relationship with Angelina, and doesn't think there will be. Looks like it's an extremely Merry Christmas for Brad Pitt. Finally, Santa will be bringing him that threesome he's always wanted.

One has to wonder if Jennifer Aniston will try to up the ante in her fauxlationship with Vince Vaughn. We can already see the next cover of US Weekly: "Shocker! Friends tell of Jen and Vince's kinky sex romps! Jen gets freaky in the missionary position!"

R.I.P. Richard Pryor, 1940-2005

Comedy legend Richard Pryor died Saturday of a heart attack. Happy Monday, kids.

09 December 2005

Worst. Post. Ever. This Week.

It's just one of those days where we can't really find anything in the news to talk about. Hell, our first post only made the cut because it was such a nice segue from yesterday's news. Hey, speaking of yesterday's news, here's something we read yesterday that wasn't exciting enough to make the cut then, but tripled in value when set amidst the wasteland of today's gossip over K Fed's new truck. You see, in the wild n' crazy world of blogging, yesterday's trash is today's not-quite-trash. This is what happens when the designation for an activity isn't even a real word.

Enough filibustering. We've already managed to stretch a day-old IMDb blurb that was three sentences into a post of respectable length, although not of respectable content. Did we say "enough filibustering" already? Okay, well, we really mean it, now. Seriously. Starting nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow...

Darren Aronofsky is using his Hollywood clout to demand he be allowed to direct an episode of Lost. If you don't know who Aronofsky is, go fuck yourself go hang out with a couple of film school students for about ten minutes. We would be more excited about this, but we sort of...don't watch Lost. Okay, okay. We did force ourselves to watch a couple of episodes the first season because of all the hype, and they were vaguely compelling. But, they weren't compelling enough for us to start giving a shit about that show in earnest. Basically, our reaction was "Alright. That was kind of good. Now we never need to watch it again."

How did this turn into LTNA's review of Lost? Whatever. The point is, this news is interesting enough that we'll delude ourselves into thinking this episode of the show will be so obviously Aronofsky, and not-at-all homogenized in order to maintain the Lost aesthetic, that it will be worth both our time and TiVo space. It's set to air in May, and will likely be the season finale, like CSI did with Tarantino this year (coincidentally, the only episode of CSI we've ever watched). This will be the ultimate test of our ability to suspend our disbelief, because we'll be disbelieving that Lost kind of sucks for up to an hour. Maybe he'll sneak in just one little heroin overdose. That'd be kind of worth it.

Deck the Halls with Skanks and Slut-bags

'Tis the season for inappropriate holiday decorations, it seems. After the significantly more humorous "hanging Santa" display we mentioned yesterday, comes news of some idiot's Paris Hilton Christmas shrine (pictured-- no, seriously, that's a part of it), featuring "sexual and explicit photos" of the heirhead.

This particular ass bandit's locale is Rhode Island, although he was arrested last year for trespassing on Martha Stewart's property in Maine. So, yeah, that should give you an indication of his mental state, if the fact that he built a fucking Christmas shrine for Paris Hilton didn't already.

Maybe this shrine will do some good after all, and modernize the mythology of the holiday. Kids will soon begin to fear finding a prescription for Valtrex along with a tube of topical cream, rather than the traditional lump of coal in their stockings as punishment for their naughty behavior.

08 December 2005

We All Celebrate in Different Ways

A Florida man has had an interesting take on his choice for a Christmas display, and it's upsetting his neighbors. Namely, he has a blindfolded Santa hanging from a noose, with his feet and hands bound with wire. The neighbors are complaining because children can plainly see it, but the five-O can't do anything because the dude is protected under the First Amendment.

We were really glad to hear that the First Amendment is still good for something, after neighbors had started complaining about our own xmas display (pictured). But hey, those kids were going to have to learn about the spirit of Christmas sooner or later anyway, so we're really doing those parents a service...while also exercising our civic duty to completely beguile what is perhaps our most sacred Amendment. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

We're the First to Admit We Suck

It is a pretty big loss to comedy that this lede doesn't refer to Michael Jackson, which is what we'd first assumed.

Breaking Up Is the New Adopting an AIDS Orphan

So, first we hear about the heartbreaking end of Paris and Paris. Then, Nick and Jessica. Then, Britney and K Fed. Then, as soon as we take a moment to come to terms with our intense self-loathing over the fact that we refer to these people on a first name basis, we get the news that Nicole and AM are over.

Oh, cruel fate! Why must the beautiful and eating disordered suffer like us of average looks and build? Is is because they dared to soar too close to the sun? Okay, that doesn't really make sense, but it sounded so nice and dramatic. We will admit we're slightly more surprised by this breakup than any of the aforementioned ones, but only because we'd figure Nicole would follow through with at least six months of marriage, just to stick it to Paris. Ah well. Que sera, sera, or some bullshit.

07 December 2005

Mel Gibson Keeping Things Light

Now that people are pretty much over the whole Passion thing, Mel Gibson is setting out to prove wrong all the naysayers who called him an anti-Semite. He's planning a miniseries based on the story of some real Holocaust survivors.

Actually, this doesn't really bode well, at all. If anything, this miniseries may, very well, prove all the naysayers right. After all, Gibson has never abjured his father's denial of the Holocaust, let alone his own. We can already see Gibson grilling some poor aging Jews over "what really happened," demanding they admit that Birkenau was just a "very exclusive fitness camp." Mel probably thinks this miniseries is the ultimate PR gesture, his way of saying "Okay, maybe it kind of happened, but let's not talk about such unpleasantries in front of Dad."

Shoo, Shoo, Retarded Flu!

That lede up there is more than a semi-obscure Howard Stern reference. Rather, it echoes our very own sentiment over the last few days, as we fell ill to the flu sometime on Friday. We knew we shouldn't have partied with all those birds Friday night, but we can't say "no" to six handles of call-brand spirits.

On the plus side, we got to miss two days of work this week. On the minus side, we've spent the last four days chugging Dayquil and Nyquil as appropriate, and reminiscing tearfully over our college days of doing that for recreation, rather than out of necessity. Nevertheless, we return to you, our head and body aches subsided enough to drag ourselves to the keyboard and resume our half-assed posting of third-hand news. We flatter ourselves in thinking anyone noticed our absence; but we sure did miss you, butternuts.

02 December 2005

It's Our Blog and We'll Plug If We Want to

This SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Howard Stern will be featured in an in-depth piece on 60 Minutes. We don't usually make a point of watching 60 Minutes, and cant' say we've ever even seen a full episode. Being "aware of things" is overrated, anyhow.

But, we will break our usual Sunday routine of watching 5-10 episodes of Degrassi Junior High in a row, followed by a Bloody Mary-fueled temper tantrum over the realization we have to go to work the next day, just to tune in to see Howard trying not cry in front of Ed Bradley. Howard's been talking about this on the show for weeks, so it should be interesting for any loyal listener, and probably moreso for any Stern-hater.

Aside from his recent Letterman appearance, this is the first of many publicity stops Stern has planned for his move to Sirius, including an appearance on SNL on the 10th. But, only the 60 Minutes crew spent two frigging weeks following Howard around, so it should be pretty extensive. Watch it. Or, you could say "fuck that, and fuck you" and go do something else that day, we guess. That's fine. It's not like we're getting paid to do this.

If You Give a Slut a Record...

We're sure you guys are still rocking out to that clip of K Fed's single we linked to a few weeks ago, but y'all really ain't ready for this: Paris Hilton belting out some of her amazing tunes (pictured).

This MySpace page is her official one, supposedly. And we believe it. The four songs featured are from her upcoming album, and no one can fake talent-deficiency like this. We've been dreading this since the initial reports of Paris' desire to put out an album, but our morbid curiosity forced us to have a listen. You know you want to. If you listen for less than a minute, we promise it will only destroy as many brain cells as drinking an entire keg by yourself. Of course, this is a lot less fun than that, and you don't get a free stomach-pumping with Paris' album, either. Just sayin'.

[Thanks to D Listed for the link.]

UPDATE 12/8/05: It seems the semi-legit "official" Paris Hilton page has been replaced with an obviously fake "official" page. For those who missed out, tough titties. Hot hand in the link-game, bitches.

So, "WWW.ParisHilton.STD" Is Still Available?

It looks like the creation of a .porn or .xxx domain isn't going to happen just yet. So, it'll remain relatively easy to "accidentally" stumble onto porn sites ("Won't somebody please think of the children?"), when you're doing your normal internet searches for "gardening hoes AND dikes." No word yet on the plans for the .perv and .thisdoesntmakemegay domains. We'll keep you abreast of any news.

01 December 2005

For Once, Stop Being a Douche

Today is World AIDS Day, so this website is donating $1 for every "candle" lit. When we went, they were still a few thousand "candles" away from their $100,000 max, so take a couple seconds and Do Some Good of the instant gratification/ little-to-no-effort-on-your-part variety. 'Cause it's for AIDS. And we fucking hate that shit. So, as Jay said in Mallrats, "DO IT DOUG!"

[Thanks to Just Jared for the link!]

One Good Turn Deserves Another, Even if the First Wasn't Very Good*

Yes. Yes, it should. Fucking it up intentionally would be kind of a dick move, after all.

[*We swear, it's just a coincidence that in our routine perusal of Google News headlines, we find two of them in one day that are just too good to ignore, let alone one that relates to an old post. We really did wrestle with our integrity for a good 40 seconds when trying to decide if we would descend to the depths of mediocrity and do two of the same gag in a row. But then, we realized we have no integrity, and can only aspire to mediocrity. Thanks for stopping by!]

So, When Do They Go to the Wizard School?

Admit it. You've missed our "Google News does something wacky" bits. In any case, when we first read this lede, we took it completely literally. You can imagine the ensuing excitement. It was only when we read further that we discovered, much to our chagrin, that it will be the movies themselves doing the proverbial dueling, rather than rival popes, you know, actually dueling in a series of movies. We're not to proud to admit we'd imagined horses and wands would be involved.

Still, we cannot ignore the fact that Fox News has pitched the blockbuster hit of 2006, inadvertently. Can you imagine how awesome an action/adventure pope movie would be? We're starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it. Fox would be stupid not to make this gem. Someone call Peter Jackson to direct. We couldn't get past the first installment of that Lord of the Rings crap, but this is truly movie magic in the making!

30 November 2005

Looks Like India's Fucked

Anyone who knows how to party knows that the key to an awesome Friday night is unprotected sex with a stranger in the back of a semi at a freeway rest stop. Just be sure that rest stop isn't in India. The rate of HIV and AIDS infection is rising at a rate so alarming that India is now second only to South Africa in the number of infections, due largely to "deadly HIV highways." Does this mean that, in a few years, directions will change from "take the 101 to the 110 to the 10" to "take the Crabs Central to the Van Clap to the HIV"?

There are an estimated 5 to 8 million long-haul truck drivers in India supplying the country with items ranging from apples, to air conditioners and now, AIDS. At rest stops called dhabas, the drivers bang prostitutes for pennies. "Prostitutes for Pennies." That sounds like an awesome charity. Maybe a band name. We're getting off topic, huh?

But, yeah, so these drivers are fucking all these whores without protection on their trucking routes, and then spreading HIV all over the place. Then, they go home and infect their wives. It's a pretty vicious domino effect. The only places where infection isn't spreading are the areas located away from trucking routes. Short of a vaccine or cure for AIDS, there doesn't seem to be anything that the People in Charge can do to stop this. Bummer. On the plus side, this opens up a new market for souvenir items that can say things like "My boyfriend went to India and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And AIDS."

Gays in UK Free to Marry, Wear Cosby Sweaters

Now that the UK will legalize same sex partnerships with the Civil Partnership Act 2004 beginning next month, George Michael will join Elton John and the thongs throngs of homosexuals who will get hitched. Georgie will wed his partner of 10 years, Kenny Chesney Goss. Says GM, "I'm sure Kenny and I will be doing the old legal thing but we won't be doing the whole veil and gown thing." It's a good thing too, because the wedding will be gay enough without men wearing dresses.

Okay, it was a cheap shot. It's been years, but we're still recovering from the trauma of first learning that George Michael is gay, since we'd been planning to marry him since his days in WHAM! Sure, it seems blatantly obvious that Michael is a homo when we watch him rocking out by the jukebox in the video for "Faith" now, but we were 4 years old when that video came out (no pun intended, as it's an extremely lame one even for our standards). We couldn't have been expected to understand that "gay" meant anything more than "extremely happy about these painted-on jeans, leather-daddy jacket and dangling cross earring."

29 November 2005

Mix Two Parts Slut with Four Parts Dim Lighting...

It's about time some scienticians did something awesome instead of "discovering" obvious shit. In this instance, it is a quantitative exploration of the qualitative elements of beer goggles. No, seriously:

Behold! The science behind beer goggles, wherein:

An = number of units of alcohol consumed
S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 equals clear air; 10 equals extremely smoky)
L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square meter; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting)
Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard)
d = distance from 'person of interest' (meters; 0.5 to 3 meters)

Without this magical combination of exponents and Greek letters, we wouldn't have had 6 out of 6 of our last relationships. After all, we've always felt that blacking out and anonymous sex were indeed, a science. Yay math!

[Source: BBC News via TIWWDN]

C'mon, You Know You've Always Wondered What Porking a Re-Re Is Like

"I need to make a 50 Cent condom, and a motorized version of me. A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. A lot of [vibrators] aren't waterproof. [...] Blue is my favorite color, so it would probably be blue. But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo. But I want to do something like that, to create something that's popular and exciting sexually for women."

"Exciting" isn't the word we'd have used to describe discovering your vibrator somehow knocked you up and gave you herpes. But, then again, our command of the English language is nowhere near 50 Cent's. Hats off, Mr. Cent, hats off.

[Source: New Kerala via A Socialite's Life]

Another Report States the Obvious

It seems that downloading music illegally (i.e., for free) is preferred threefold to downloading it legally from sources like Crapster and iTunes (i.e., paying for it like a sucker). 15% of consumers use P2P file sharing and only 5% use the online shops. A report from JupiterResearch revealed this, as well as the even more shocking news that youngster punks seem to have the strongest "taste for illegal music," with some 34% of 15-24-year-olds sharing files illegally. And don't even get them started on the cd burning!

Perhaps this report will force the corporate fat cats to come to terms with the fact that people are always going to risk taking something for free above paying for it, even if they keep making examples of the 14-year-olds who get caught every now and then. Hey, maybe we can work this into that Hackers sequel we're writing. This whole phenomenon seems like great fodder for a Footloose-esque movie, about kids "who took the risk to rock out." Gawd, we can't wait until we're the ones running Hollywood.

28 November 2005

G Dub: Get Elected and Deny Lyin'

The best thing about 50 Cent is all of the insightful, intelligent things he has to say, like when he attributed Kanye West's entire career to himself. His latest shrapnel pearl of wisdom is regarding our fine President, whom 50 thinks is "incredible... a gangsta." Oh, come on. You're just mad 'cause Fiddy thought of such an apropos comparison first.

"'I wanna meet George Bush, just shake his hand and tell him how much of me I see in him,' 50 told GQ. If the rapper's felony conviction didn't prevent him from voting, 50 said he would have voted for Bush."

Lucky for the President, there were enough retards without felony convictions for things to end up his way. The fact that 50 Cent sees so much of himself, a criminal, imbecile and likely a murderer, in our President gives ol' Bushy some street cred. Mad street cred.

Here's Hoping Lachey Didn't Sign a Pre-nup

Like all good couples trapped in sham marriages, Nick and Jessica Simpson have finally decided to put all parties involved out of their misery. Sadly, they did not opt for the murder-suicide route. Rather, they released a statement Wednesday saying they had separated after three years of pretending to be happily married.

Releasing their statement on Wednesday, after most people had already checked out for the holiday, must have been their publicists' way of acknowledging that the Nick and Jessica saga has become the Hollywood equivalent of The Boy Who Cried "Wolf," and that this announcement comes as a surprise to no one. Well, no one aside from the people who bought the DVDs of Newlyweds without any trace of irony, at least.

Waxing off Our Tears

R.I.P. Pat Morita, 1932-2005 (yes, "Mr. Miyagi"), who died Thursday of natural causes. Sounds like it was a pretty crap Thanksgiving at the Moritas' this year.

23 November 2005

Well, at Least We Don't Have to Go to Work

The holiday season is upon us in earnest, friends. It's that time of year dedicated to consumerism, gluttony and sloth, so we wish you all a not entirely unpleasant Thanksgiving. After all, that's what Christmas is for. So, when you find your cranberry sauce growing salty with your tears because "you've ruined Thanksgiving again!" keep your chin up. After all, you have to do it all over again in a few weeks.

LTNA will be back Monday with the poorly written posts you've learned to tolerate like your alcoholic father. We warn you in advance that we already have tunnel vision straight through to Kwanzaa (not really), so you can expect this blog to suck even more than usual through the end of 2005 (yes, really). So in the spirit of the holidays, fuck you, Mom! happy Thanksgiving!

Supercent: Slower Than a Retarded Fourth-Grader

Despite our resentment of Fifty Cent, we can't help but follow the reports of the latest Fiddy-related murder(s) or gun fight(s). We know it doesn't make "cents," but what can we say? We love drugs, violence and terrible puns.

Apparently, Fifty "Yeah, I Got Shot Nine Times" Cent fought off the bullets from his assailants' weapons with his bare hands, when they ambushed him in his car outside of his grandmother's house in Jamaica, Queens all those years ago. This incident is reenacted in Fifty's movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Maybe we're making light of the whole getting-shot-nine-times-at-close-range-and-then-driving-yourself-to-the-hospital deal, but the idea that he thought it possible and wise to defend himself against bullets with his bare hands displays a unique blend of delusions of grandeur mixed with mental retardation. Honestly, are books Fifty Cent's kryptonite? Sure, he did survive the shooting, but seriously. His bare fucking hands? What a douche.

There's also a bunch of new shit that has come to light regarding who Fifty's would-be assassins were, as Chris Lorenzo, one of the founders of Murder, Inc., has revealed some new details. Most notably, Lorenzo says that that "Hommo" dude wasn't the one responsible for the attack on Fifty, and that the reason Fifty pinned it on him was it would be easier to put the blame on a dead guy than to reveal the truth. The article also calls Lorenzo a "self-confessed pimp," but we're pretty certain they mean to say "self-proclaimed pimp." Ain't no apologies in the pimp game, y'all.

22 November 2005

Ricky Martin Wants YOU to Be His Urinal Cake

We thought we were in the clear when Ricky Martin fell off the face of the earth in 2001; but, sadly, we were wrong. He's back with a new shitastic album and doing the publicity rounds. So, in the unlikely event you haven't heard about this already, we consider it our duty to warn you that that effeminate freakazoid likes to drip drip drip, pee on his gender-ambiguous lovers. Ricky seems to be trapped in the closet right next to R. Kelly, in more ways than one. Here's R. Martin in his own words to Blender:

"I love giving the golden shower. [...] I've done it before in the shower. It's like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."

Now, look at the photo above. Okay, now picture that guy peeing on you.

Alright? Alright. And, yes, it is remarkably easy to perform a DIY lobotomy with an ordinary household icepick and a melon-baller. Why do you ask?

[Source: MSNBC]

BREAKING: Neglect and Abuse Fuck Your Kids Up

These scientists went through this whole extensive study to learn that when kids aren't cuddled and given attention from their parental figures at an early stage, they turn out to be fucked up adults. To make the study even more ludacris ludicrous, they compared kids who had been raised by their biological parents to orphans who had been emotionally deprived their entire lives. Russian orphans.

So, just to get this straight, not only did the scientists pick kids in a situation that even Roman Polanski agrees is devastating, but they picked orphans from the one country known mostly for suffering, alcoholism and recently, abortions. We're beginning to think we're pursuing the wrong field, entirely. If being a scientist just means wearing those awesome lab coats and taking months to make completely obvious "discoveries," then we're in. Plus, they get to hang out with monkeys.

21 November 2005

Did the Mannequin at Least Look Like Kim Cattrall?

Security guards found Michael Plentyhorse, 18, on the floor of an arts center gettin' bizay with a mannequin. Unfortunately, hilarity did not ensue for the teen, as it did for Andrew McCarthy when he did exactly the same thing in 1987, and Mr. Plentyhorse has been charged with indecent exposure. Incidentally, if "Michael Plentyhorse" isn't a porn name, we don't know what is.

We can all take a lesson from Plentyhorse's cruel fate. We can't say he didn't desrve to be arrested for having his pants down and out-and-out fucking a mannequin in public. Amateur! Everyone knows that's what dry humping is for.

Can We Reuse the Decorations from Her Last "Welcome Home from Rehab" Party?

A judge ruled Friday that Courtney Love is cleared to leave her rehab facility. Soon, Courtney will be free to roam the streets, pinching the breasts of the unsuspecting, and flashing her cooter to the recoiling (read: those with sight). Yes, we're bound to have a solid 12 hours before we hear that she's passed out wearing a panda costume in Pamela Anderson's laundry room after peeing on her dog. Of course, maybe we'll get a full 24 hours, assuming Courtney's handled her habit of having "too much Diet Coke," in rehab, as well. Congrats, Courtney! Let freedom ring!

More Things We Can't Afford

So now, folks will be able to download programs stored on their TiVo boxes onto their iPods. This will also be possible for people with PlayStation Portables. To quote Brody Bruce in Mallrats, "Damn that's hot!"

We don't really have anything to add to that, since it is Monday morning, and we're too busy feeling bummed out that we have to work two and a half whole days before we can descend into the annual ceremony of gluttony and decadence, known as "Thanksgiving." In any event, we'll be more diligent in faking our enthusiasm after we've had a bit of caffeine. Maybe a bagel. Cinnamon raisin. Yeah, definitely cinnamon raisin. Oh-- are you still here? Well, uh, we'll brb.

18 November 2005

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas has come a little early friends. Kelly Osbourne is quitting her "singing career." Glorious! Never again will we have to endure a new cover of some Madonna song by the Princess of Darkness. Well, at least unless she changes her mind, which she probably will. Enjoy it while you can, kids.

And just what is the 21-year-old planning to do now that she's quitting the whole singing charade? "I don't intend to do anything. I've been working since I was 15. What do I want to work for?"

Funny. Our parents never told us that sloppin' around alternated with going to rehab a few times a year could be called "working." Sweet deal. That means that we've been working since we were 14, Kelly. We win!

Apple May or May Not Do Something Next Year

There's been a lot of discussion regarding Apple's plans to release a model with an Intel processor. Now, it seems that their first experiment with this may be as early as January, with Apple possibly announcing the first iBook featuring Intel technology. However, if we've learned anything from the Nano, and from our experience any first generation Apple product for that matter, the iNtel notebook is sure to be fraught with bugs and glitches. We've found waiting for the second or third round is always a good idea with Macs.

There's also a lot of speculation over what the price and processor speed will be for the first model, but some are saying this model could give Apple an opportunity to compete with the more affordable entry level PeeC computers, which currently run as low as $400. We've always believed you get what you pay for. It seems Apple agrees, and as thier cheapest iBook costs a G, you can imagine their response to the suggestion they slum it with the likes of Dell:

"Fuck that shit. Dell's a stank danish trick. You try to stiff me five hun'ned on my merchandise, I shank yo' ass, shake the shit outta you until my money falls out and put you on my track. Better recognize."

Apple does have a point. It is so worth paying double the price of a comparable model for your computer to look adorable.

17 November 2005

Ah, Sweet Sweet Filler

We have no real reason to post this. We were just revisiting one of our favorite sites, BlackPeopleLoveUs.com, and thought this photo was just too funny not to share. If you haven't already checked out the site from our list of "Stuff We Like" on the left, do it dawg.

Google One Step Closer to Enslaving Man

While the San Francisco boys sat around with their thumbs up their asses, um, so to speak, Mountain View jumped on Google's offer to use them as the testing ground for free city-wide WiFi service. It's a five year plan wherein Google has permission to use the poles from street lights as the access points for wireless infrastructure.

Now comes the little snag of figuring out where the money comes from, since the whole reason people were resistant to this idea was it's a teeny bit nebulous as to how anyone stands to profit from providing a free service. Clearly, Google has figured out how they stand to profit, since it is their idea; but, we're not sure how they were planning to pay for this whole experiment without putting up their own money. We're sure Google's not worried, though. They've more than proven themselves to be the hang low saxons on the IT track.