31 October 2005

Putting a Price on Enlightenment

Finally we know how much it costs to become an OT Level VII, like Tom Cruise, who is easily the most famous and successful of the Scientolorati-- which obvious-fucking-ly has everything to do with the fact that he is the "church's" biggest donor. At their annual three-day gala, Cruise received the Diamond Meritorious Award for donating around $3.6 million since clearing his first thetan some 15 years ago. The haterade flowed freely from the other church members, despite their facade of approval via standing ovation:

"Scientologists are used to shelling out, since handing over cash is a key part of the Hubbard doctrine. [...] Other members of the cult have been less content about paying up, complaining that they have been milked of thousands of pounds."

All of a sudden, paying to have friends the old fashioned way-- you know, the Greek system, seems a lot more warm and wholesome. At least with them you're allowed to get drunk and do rails off the back of a toilet seat in the Nine-O.

Kate Moss Moving Closer to the Good Shit

Kate Moss is moving from her native London to kick it over here with us Yanks. It seems the recent events-- you know, the whole "Cocaine Kate" scandal and all that, have her so shaken up she feels the need to just get away from it all and have a fresh start.

If we were in her position, we wouldn't be moving anywhere north of L.A. or Miami. In fact, we'd probably just move to Colombia or Nicaragua in the name of "getting back to humanity" and out of the spotlight. Currently, Kate's looking at places in New York. At least she's not moving anywhere that would jeopardize her gak access too badly. Maybe her time in rehab in Arizona fostered a robust meth habit, and she's at a point where she actually likes her blow cut with plenty of crank. In that case, New York is perfect. They don't call it "the city that never sleeps," because it's cute.

28 October 2005

Prince Charles a Whiny Bitch

In an upcoming 60 Minutes interview, Prince Charles says he struggles to feel important. Evidently, he thinks a good way to mend the disconnect his public feels with him is to to complain about how hard it is to be a prince.

"'It's very easy to just dismiss anything I say. It's difficult. [...] The most important thing is to remain relevant,' he says. 'It isn't easy, as you can imagine.'"

Geez. Why doesn't he just cry about it and have a temper tantrum on camera, while he's at it? We were tempted to make this the latest installment in the inevitably recurring "[insert celebrity] Is a Fucking Idiot" series, but the one thing Chaz has going for him is that he's a Brit. And, no matter how stupid they actually may be, something about those accents makes it harder to call them "fucking idiots" (but not "whiny bitches," luckily). Unfortunately, the accent also kind of makes it harder to weed out the gay guys, because all British guys sound at least a little gay.

Okay, we're through with the cheap shots/ gay jokes for today. It's too bad, though. We were going to post about that "Hommo" guy who shot 50 Cent nine times a few years ago, but we'll spare you.

P.S. No, the irony of our complete dismissal of Charles' quotation about how easy it is to dismiss everything he says did not escape us, thank you.

Feign Surprise... Nnnnnnnnnnnnnow!

George Takei, better known as "Mr. Sulu" to you Trekkie losers, reveals that he is gay in the current issue of Frontiers, a biweekly [sic] here in Los Angeles. We are quite sure this comes as news to no one, except people who have no fucking idea who Mr. Sulu is. If that's you, take a good look at the picture on the left. Yeah. Total cocksmoker.

Quite frankly, we only became aware of Takei through his appearances on Howard Stern and through Stern's frequent manipulations of audio snippets from Takei's autobiography on tape, or "audiobiography," as we like to call it. There's nothing like hearing Takei's velvety baritone yet tersely effeminate voice say things like "the Mexican boy had a large wang" and "hot wet bitches love my throbbing balloon knot." But, we digress. The point is, Takei is gay. Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be singing The Sulu Dance under our breath, hoping our boss doesn't notice.

27 October 2005

Google's Hang-low Acquires New Flavor of Stank

We've refrained from talking about Google for a while because we often forget that most people aren't dorkwad losers, like us. But today, we're saying "fuck all that shit." We haven't come across any notable quotables from silver-tongued celebrities yet, so consider this post self-indulgent filler.

So you know how Craig's List and eBay are pretty huge? Well, word on the street is, Google is working on getting in on their action, possibly opening up their own forum for users to list items and services. Google is being quite impish about the rumors, saying they'll "release more details when there is more news." But in the meantime, we stole the very shitty screenshot above (which you can click for a better view) of Google Base, as it's been named, before they took down the live site yesterday. And there's plenty more screenshots where that came from. So if you're interested for more, you know, just Google it.

How Many Times Can We Say "Secret Baby" in One Post?

Things like "facts" and "logic" sure do take the fun out of gossip, don't they? Today's buzzkill comes courtesy of Philly gossip columnist Howard Gensler, who took a moment to investigate the timeline of Janet Jackson's secret baby in relation to her marriage to James DeBarge. We, on the other hand, like to take juicy hearsay about secret babies and the like, and just run with them. We don't have the extra twenty seconds or whatever to, you know, think about whether a piece of information is plausible. This is a blog, for Chrissake.

Gensler points out that if the secret baby is 18, then said secret baby would have been born three years after they split. Further, when Control was released in '86, Janet would have had to have been pregnant with the aforementioned secret baby. While she was indeed pudgier in those days, she didn't exactly look knocked up with a secret baby. Then again, maybe that's how she managed to keep the secret baby secret for all these years. Maybe we're all just pawns in an evil scheme wherein Janet tricked us all into thinking she lost the weight by becoming vegetarian, when really she had just lost all of her weight from her secret baby pregnancy after she finally had the secret baby. In secret, natch.

Perhaps LTNA should investigate further. We'll be busy with repeated viewings of the "Nasty" and "Let's Wait Awhile" videos for the rest of the day, looking for any sign of the secret baby. You know, kind of like Where's Waldo, but with a secret baby, instead. It's the only way we can get to the bottom of this. And by "this," we mean "the secret baby."

26 October 2005

Things with More Appeal.12

Honestly, we sort of forgot that we're supposed to do this whole bit, as it is Wednesday and all. But when we remembered that we receive no tangible benefits from keeping up this shoddy excuse for a blog, we stopped feeling bad about it posthaste. Now, we present to you our half-assed twelfth installment of Things with More Appeal.

This week's Thing is the Clerks animated series, an extremely short-lived spinoff of Kevin Smith's cult classic film (God, we feel sullied by Hollywood every time we say phrases like "cult classic"). There were just six episodes of this show that made it to completion, and only two or three of them made it to air on ABC, if memory serves. However, we were one of the four people who actually watched it and were extremely disappointed when the show was cancelled. The other three, FYI, were Kevin Smith, Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson. We assume Jason Mewes was too stoned to notice.

However, when the entire series (still, just those six episodes) was released on DVD shortly after, we were pretty stoked. So, if you have a chance, check it out. The sense of humor in the series is different from the movie, but that's not a qualitative statement by any means. In particular, we recommend Episode 4. The series is responsible for a solid 15% of the obscure references we make, so that's saying something. Something good, we hope. Even though the show existed long ago, during the days of Two Guys, a Girl and No One Watched It Because the Show Sucked, we still find it very appealing.

Well, This Isn't Terribly Surprising

It's nice to know that our self-worth is totally in line with Technorati's appraisal.

[Thanks to TAN for the link.]

Nicholas Cage Is a Fucking Idiot

Jesus Christ. We're beginning to think that with Freddy Prinze Jr., Madonna and now, Nicholas Cage saying extremely dumb shit all the time, we're going to have to make "[insert celebrity] Is a Fucking Idiot" a regular column.

You may have already known that Nic named his son Kal-El, after Superman. (And if you didn't know, yes, we're being completely serious.) We're not even going to get into that matter in and of itself, as the Gwyneth Paltrows and Jason Lees have proven famous people have no sense of what are suitable-- or at least marginally unretarded names for their children. What we find especially unbelievable is how much more asinine this story gets when you actually get to hear Cage explain his reasoning, in his own words:

"Alice and I wanted to have a name that was exotic and American and which stood for something good, because our son is exotic and he's American and we both think he's good. [...] But having said that, I always liked the sound of the name. It has kind of a magical ring to it: Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!"

We... we're at a loss. Can't... come up... with sardonic remark... Such profound stupidity... like kryptonite to our normally robust sarcasm! We're going to have to crawl under the desk and rock ourselves in the fetal position for a few hours to regroup... "A MAGICAL RING TO IT"?! "ABRACADABRA KAL-EL SHAZAM"?!

(Deep breaths... eyelid twitching... more deep breaths...)

Okay, okay. If we keep looking at that quotation we're going to have a serious freak-out in our office and punch the first person with caterpillar eyebrows and a receding hairline in the neck. Ta, for now.

[Source: Contact Music via The Superficial]

Let the Spin Begin!

The first reports of an actual factual denial by Janet Jackson of her bastardette are out, as we predicted. We were hoping for a juicier spin on this whole thing, but Janet decided to go with the classic, "nuh uuhhhh!"

"'I do not have a child and all allegations saying so are false,' Jackson said in a statement released to the syndicated Access Hollywood TV show."

Now, we know that Young DeBarge, the one who started this whole he said/ she said, has an album coming out, so it would be very smart of him to say something so acerbic just for some free publicity. But, until we hear news of a lawsuit from Janet for slander, we'll remain hopeful that there is, indeed, a secret baby. Mostly because we like saying "secret baby."

Hollywood Sucks, Part 934,659

Why do we even bother to get out of bed each morning, when we know we're bound to read about something that is completely maddening? The bullshit du jour is yet another reality show. What makes this one noteworthy enough for an LTNA post, you ask? The answer to that query is the show's title: America's Next Muppet.

That's right. After Disney pillaged the rights to Jim Henson's delightful mop + puppet characters (that is what "muppet" means, right?)-- that is, as soon as his corpse was cold enough for it to be deemed acceptable etiquette, they set into motion several plans to bastardize the franchise. This is merely the latest tack, wherein they'll add a new character to the mix, through a reality show along the lines of American Idol. We guess Who Wants to Marry a Million Sex Offenders? didn't go over too well at the pitch.

So, while Disney is busy tarnishing our once fond memories of the muppets' adventures in Manhattan and other locales by creating an inevitably unlikeable character, we'll be researching recipes for homemade napalm. It's the only way they'll learn.

25 October 2005

BREAKING: Chick Vaguely Resembles Janet Jackson

The plot thickens-- thanks to baseless rumor and conjecture, that is. And, where would gossip blogs be without them? Here's the first photo of Janet Jackson's alleged daughter to hit the internets. Well, it's the first one we know of, anyway. If it's not Renee Jackson, then it can only be one other possibly fictional child: the TomKitten. Hey, if we're going to speculate, we're going to do it with the intensity of Tom Cruise, himself. Stay tuned as the Tockson drama unfolds.

[Source: A Socialite's Life]

A Rant

The Sky Report has film of Fred Phelps delighting in the London bombings, as well as the recent onslaught of natural disasters. FYI, Phelps is perhaps the most controversial Christian leader in America, and set up a Baptist church in Kansas with about 150 parishioners. We don't really think getting film of this is that shocking, as Phelps probably would've volunteered to appear. Nevertheless, here's a snippet of his insight on the London attacks:

"Oh I am so thankful that happened. My only regret is that they didn't kill about million of them. England deserves that kind of punishment, as does this country [America]."

In addition to the posters pictured, "AIDS Cures Fags" is another choice slogan of Phelps and his followers. At least they seem to hate all groups equally. In terms of whom they offend, they really have not left anyone out. Truly impressive.

We're always kind of amazed when we read about people like Phelps and his congregation-- not because of the scientifically proven phenomenon of hateful retards finding each other and forming groups. We learned about that in high school physics. What surprises us is that the hateful retards have the cognitive skills to make signs with correct spelling and even websites, in some cases. What's also shocking is that people like Fred Phelps and Daniel Carver still exist in two-thousand-fucking-five! One would think that, by now, the kind of people who still use the word "mulatto" with no trace of irony would be in a museum. Or a zoo. In any case, certainly not out and about in society. (Then again, calling the South "society" is a bit of a stretch.)

The rest of us, at least, can take solace in knowing that we have evolved. We're sophisticated enough to know it's only okay to make racist comments in the company of our own kind, particularly when discussing how another group can't drive for shit, or when sharing an anecdote about going to an unfamiliar, "ethnic" neighborhood, or when talking about how retarded people from the South are on your semi-anonymous blue state-based blog. No, we don't have to like "those people," but we certainly don't talk about it in public. That's why it's called "tolerance." Will those Southerners ever learn?

(A: No.)

24 October 2005

Contraceptive Malfunction?

Holy shit, dude. Just when you think you've heard it all, the Jacksons have another ace up their sleeve. An ace of crazy, that is.

Ignoring that our metaphor doesn't make any sense, the ace this time around is that Janet Jackson may have an 18-year-old daughter whom she's kept hidden from the public for the last, um, 18 years. Young DeBarge, her ex brother-in-law, was on a radio show yesterday and said that Janet's daughter, Renee, was kept under wraps by the Jackson family, and sent to live with the eldest of the Jackson siblings, Rebbie. We're not sure why the Jacksons would've felt the need to hide a child theoretically conceived within wedlock. Perhaps Janet doubted her ability to dominate the milf-lovers (a niche demographic), with the likes of such worthy competitors as Demi Moore.

We would normally dismiss something this outrageous if the article didn't include the crucial piece of information that "Janet Jackson's rep Patti Webster didn't deny the claim yesterday, only saying the singer didn't wish to comment." PR translation: "Aw sheeeit! You know about that? Well, it wasn't even like that, though! What had happened was... Well, actually, can I get back to you in a couple days while we figure out how to spin this?" And, like we said, it is the Jackson family, so with something this crazy, it's even more far-fetched for it not to be true.


Drunken Lizard

It's Monday, so we're gonna get this going with some good news that's also easy to summarize. We apologize in advance if this post is lacking in the usual sarcasm, as we haven't had our second mug of tea, yet.

It looks like Jay Chandrasekhar and the rest of the Broken Lizard troupe will have the chance to redeem themselves of the travesty that was The Dukes of Hazzard. The group has written a new movie called Beerfest which is slated to begin shooting in January, with Jay directing, as usual. We were in as soon as we heard the first half of the title, but we'll indulge you if you need a little more info.

Evidently, the script involves two brothers who stumble upon a secret sect of drinking games while at Oktoberfest in Germania, "described as Fight Club with beer games." Then a bunch of other stuff happens, wherein we can assume there will be the customary wackiness. While we doubt the group will be able to surpass the hilarity delivered in Super Troopers (as proven by Club Dread), we feel that's to be expected when the bar is set so high from the very beginning. For now, we're content enough that the first new project being covered in the trades today isn't a sequel to White Chicks. Then again, it is only Monday.

21 October 2005

Just in Time for the Holidays

[ed. note: Not that anyone cares, but this will likely be the only post we'll have the chance to make today. It seems like just yesterday we were mocking how little we do at our day job each day. Today, however, we are so busy that we're writing this post during our precious lunch hour-- the coveted time of day where we get to sit outside and do nothing, instead of sit at our desks and do nothing. And we're doing it for you. All three of you.]

We know what we want for Kwanzaa this year: a Tom DeLay mugshot mug. We can't wait to sip that first cup of green tea (two teabags, no sugar, please), with Tom's inappropriately gleeful countenance encouraging us to "hang in there." DeLay is, perhaps, the proverbial kitten hanging from the branch for the new millennium. What can we say? We have a soft spot for extremely timely novelty items for which we have no practical need or use-- unless you consider cheekiness a need and/or useful. (And we do.) So don't "DeLay"! Get yours now!

20 October 2005

The Face of LTNA

That is, if we were a character on South Park. Hey, we have to maintain our thinly veiled anonymity, somehow. We wouldn't want to get fired from the job that actually pays for our extravagant lifestyle of consistent shelter and food supply, by making our identity too obvious-- especially since we spend most of the day boondoggling and talking shit about Hollywood on this blog (which is even more of a problem, since we work in Hollywood).

But if you want to create your own South Park self, do it here. It's as a good a way as any to kill an extra ten minutes that should be spent working. Because we all know doing actual work is for chumps.

NBC Too Shitty Even to Be Acknowledged in List of "Worst TV"

Fox claimed 6 out of 10 spots in the Parents' Television Council's most offensive shows this season, which means... THEY WON! Let's hear it for Fox! Hip hip-- (This is where you say "hooray!")

We were a bit confused when we first read the article, as it cited The War at Home as the number one worst show on TV, which we agreed with wholeheartedly. Then, we realized by "worst shows" they meant "worst shows if you have a stick up your ass and no sense of humor as a consequence of the aforementioned stick." And while The War at Home really is probably the worst show on TV right now in the classical sense of bad TV, most of the others from Fox on the list are some of our favorite network shows: Arrested Development ranked 9th, while Family Guy and American Dad ranked 2nd and 3rd, respectively. That 70s Show, which was funny for about five minutes six years ago, placed 8th.

After hearing the PTC's list of offensive TV, we think we've found a new resource for figuring out which shows are "Must See TV," now that NBC has fucked it up. Of course, we haven't watched anything on NBC (except Conan, obviousfuckingly) since Seinfeld ended, so we're not entirely sure why we went with that reference. Where were we? Oh yes. In conclusion, the day we wake up to discover we've grown balls on our chin is the same day we'll start watching Joey.

MJ Wants Nothing to Do with 12 Angry Men

Celebrities are just like us! They get jury duty. And Michael Jackson is no exception, as he got a summons for it just four months after being acquitted on his Charlie Chester charges.

Since Jacko's been living in Bahrain since his trial ended, he'll be exempt from having to serve. So yet again, Jackson will get off-- of jury duty, we mean. At least, we hope that's what we mean.

19 October 2005

Things with More Appeal.11

That's right. Beer. We realize the extreme disparity between the level of appeal of this blog and the level of appeal of beer. However, we believe that the appeal of beer supersedes the appeal of pretty much anything else in existence so much, that it nullified any reluctance we had in implying a comparison. God, we fucking love beer.

But, what we really live for is good beer. Make no mistake, we've been known to imbibe the odd case of Durango or Schlitz on a Monday night. We did go to college, after all. And, a case race is a case race, even if you're the only one playing. That's what dad always said. So, in pretty much any situation, if there's beer to drink-- PBR or PGD, we'll do it. Just be forewarned that we'll probably complain about the shittiness of the beer for the first two or three cans, until we're buzzed enough to stop noticing our taste buds.

Fat Tire, on the other hand, is of the of the class of beers not available in cans. You know, the beers that come in actual bottles. Fat Tire makes the nectar of the gods taste like Trader Joe's Vodka of the Gods. (That's bad.) It is easily one of our top three beers of all time. (That's really good.) We'll leave the verbose descriptions of it's "toasty malt flavors" to the brewery, if you're into reading about that sort of thing to experience a new beer. Personally, we're more into, you know, drinking it.

FT is made by the New Belgium Brewery, located in Colorado. (Up yours, Coors!) Unfortunately, the glory that is Fat Tire Amber Ale isn't available year-round in SoCal. But luckily, you can get it right now, in some of the finer liquor stores-- you know, the ones that don't actually say "liquor" on the outside, and instead say something like "Whole Foods." We've been enjoying "the Tire," as we like to call it, since July when it first started resurfacing for it's limited tenure. Trust us when we say that you ought to do the same, before it vanishes from shelves. And after all this talk, as our day nears its end, the idea of an enchilada with a cold Fat Tire for dinner sounds extremely appealing.

Put the Money in a Paper Bag! And Some Dockers!

This just made us smile, so we decided to share. Some dude was caught burglarizing a home in the nude, when the homeowner came in in the middle of the, erm, burgling. But wait, it gets funnier! He screwed himself when he delayed his escape by asking the homeowner for some shorts, and then proceeded to rob the house next door (still wearing the loaned shorts), thus affording onlookers a chance to call the five-O. We had a whole arsenal of awful puns we were going to use here, centering around phrases like "family jewels" and "stick up," but we'll spare you, just this once.

Ignoring the reason(s) this guy thought it wise to rob someone's house naked, we have to say we haven't seen such unbridled enthusiasm like this since the days of the Hamburglar. Or Chip the Hound, of Cookie Crisp fame. If these three were to combine their efforts, the possibilities would be endless. Someone call Fox! We just thought of the perfect replacement for The Simple Life!

Even God Thinks MTV Sucks

You were probably as relieved as we were when MTV triumphed over Katrina in August, when she threatened to force them to cancel their Video Music Awards. After all, we love our video music as much as the next guy. Thusly, we find it imperative that attention be paid to the Diddys and Ashlee Simpsons of the world, through statues crafted as poorly as their video music.

However, it appears Mother Nature seriously no longer wants her MTV. Hurricane Wilma has forced the network to postpone, and possibly cancel, their Latin Video Music Awards show, scheduled to shoot in Mexico. It's pretty cool that even the elements are conspiring to ruin MTV's efforts to stay relevant. We only wish that the cancellation didn't occur for an event that no one was going to watch in the first place. We'll keep our fingers crossed for there to be a tsunami localized entirely in the TRL studio in Times Square, before the hurricane season ends.

18 October 2005

Kirsten Drunkst

Page Six is saying Kirsten Dunst is a surly, "pushy" drunk. Evidently, she showed up at the premiere of Elizabethtown doing what some "pals" mistook for her impression of Tara Reid. Dunst "drank a lot" and was "disheveled." Okay, okay. We'll stop with the one to two word quotations before this starts looking like a Zagat's review.

Oh, were you curious about our picture above? Well, we searched for a picture of Ms. Dunst, and this is what came up. We can't be held responsible if Google interprets an image search with the terms "Kirsten Dunst" as a call for an artist's sketch of a bra-less goblin with horrible posture wearing a dress. Nor can we be held responsible if perhaps this was no fault of artificial intelligence and instead was what we typed (involuntarily, natch), upon picturing Kirsten in our mind's eye. We think it's a pretty good likeness, actually.

Paying Our Dues in Cruise News, Dudes

We consider it our duty each day to bring you the latest in Scientology and TomKat-related mania and lawsuits. Well, not really. But, it sounded good when we were writing it.

Regardless, check out this video from an anti-Scientology website, scienTOMogy.info, before these folks are forced to comply with the cease and desist orders from the "church." The threat of having an e-meter strapped to the family jewels as punishment would have been enough for us to take it down posthaste.

[Source: MSNBC via HollywoodRag]

Paris Hilton Won't Go Away

The story of the praying mantis and her skeleton friend lives on. No, we're not talking about Aesop's Fables. Rather, we're referring to recent statements by Paris Hilton confirming that The Simple Life will be returning after all, contrary to Fox's cancellation of the series/ the dissolution of Paris and Nicole's friendship. They're supposedly going to being filming November 1, and Paris says "all the networks are fighting over it.” Like, we're so sure.

Considering that Fox jumped ship once they realized the girls' refusal to appear on camera together presented a teeny little snag in the logistics and dynamic of the series, it'll be interesting to see what NBC or UPN tries to do with it. (We figure it'll be one of these two networks because NBC is desperate enough to take Fox's sloppy seconds if it'll get big ratings, and UPN never really had standards to begin with.) Perhaps Paris will come to her senses and realize that she better get over herself, since Nicole is the only one of the pair who is even remotely clever and amusing on camera.

If we were some network bigwig, we'd sked a lunch between our team and Nic's and offer her her own show, especially since she no longer needs Paris by her side to be "the hot one." It could be called "I Didn't Even Need a Sex Tape to Get Famous, Just a Haircut and a Coke Problem."

17 October 2005

Denis Leary Is the Fucking Man

What can we say? We insert f-word into our ledes-- and most other prose, for that matter, at every possible opportunity. But, in this case, it's totally fucking warranted.

Today's Page Six has a rather lengthy fluff piece about Denis Leary's thoughts on the return of the NHL. Certainly not typical gossip fodder, we know, but we've loved this guy since his fabled MTV days. And after reading Denis' stories about all the injuries he's gotten playing hockey over the years, we're even more smitten with the guy. Seriously, check it out. Even if you're a chick he'll make you feel like pussy with his cavalier attitude toward getting punched in the face fifteen times in a row. Oh, Denis. You had us at "I'm an asshole."

Tricks, Treats, Bumped

So, we've gotten three(!) votes on which Halloween costume we ought to go with this year. This comes as quite a surprise, because until installing a site meter recently, we'd estimated LTNA's average readership at roughly zero to one third the number of voters (mom doesn't read every day). Guess we'll have to retire the running joke of there being just one of you out there, but it's a small price to pay to know you guys are reading LTNA. Thanks to everyone who's reading, and for the feedback in the comments section!

However, weed and alcohol commitments prevented us from getting the costume together this weekend after all, so we've bumped the topic to the top of the page, and the polls will remain open until Thursday. If there are more of you out there (and evidently, there are), don't be shy. Go ahead and vote for the worst idea, so we can get our costume components this week. For real this time. We'll probably bump the post once more Wednesday as one last reminder, and then close voting Thursday night. You can vote under the original post or under any of the bumps, as we'll be checking all comment sections periodically. This Halloween is going to be awesome!

Chris Klein Don't Luv That Ho

Long before we were regaled with tales of a fictional Tom Cruise baby, "Kate" Holmes dated Chris Klein-- or as we like to call him, "That Guy from American Pie with the Face Like a Baby Pig" or "Baby Pig-Face" for short. They were together for five years-- engaged, even. But, you probably knew that. What's marginally interesting about BPF today is that he's been asked how he feels about this whole TomKat biznass. "Marginally interesting?" you say with a supercilious look on your face. To that, we say that we have to get to our minimum of two posts for the day somehow, and fucked if you think we're doing it with some post about James Blonde.

Now, where were we? Ah yes. BPF says he hasn't spoken to Kate since she dropped the "i," and that they broke up because they weren't really the same type of people and simply "weren't lighting each other's fire any more." We can imagine it might be hard to continue lighting your girlfriend's fire after she realizes her type is an Operating Thetan Level VII control freak of questionable sexual orientation who can elevate her to A-list celebrity in exchange for all self respect, free will and a few mil. 'Cause, you know, sometimes people just grow apart. Further, BPF says he's not upset over Kate's brainwashing relationship, saying "No, Dude, I’m out and about." Nice to know he's keeping his chin up. Dude.

If you want to read more about this (and we hope you don't), these quotations and other gems will be woven into a rich tapestry in this month's Details. Otherwise, you can join us at our Oedipus Party, wherein we'll be gouging our eyes out in protest to the continued celebration of lunacy known as "Hollywood." Yeah, that'll show 'em.

Madonna Is a Fucking Idiot

It's quite the coincidence that Madonna has a new album coming out, and suddenly there's a barrage of news items with her saying stupid shit of nearly Freddie Prinze Jr.-caliber. Here's the newest, courtesy of Drudge.

In her new documentary film I'm Going to Tell You a Secret, Madonna says that people "are going to go to hell, if they don't turn from their wicked behavior," and resorts to the ultimate in publicity-garnering cheap shots, adding "Most priests are gay." We never knew Kabbalah rhetoric was so similar to Jerry Falwell's.

The movie is set to premier in New York tomorrow. We're sure everyone attending has his fingers crossed for a double feature where they also screen Swept Away. Here's another snippet of Madonna's wisdom:

"I refer to an entity called 'The Beast'. I feel I am describing the world that we live in right now. To me 'The Beast' is the modern world that we live in. [...] The material world. The physical world. The world of illusion, that we think is real. We live for it, we're enslaved by it. And it will ultimately be our undoing."

Sorry Madge, but we'll be busy kicking it in The Beast enjoying our "enslavement" by the "world of illusion that we think is real," before we start listening to an aging pop star who goes around wearing a piece of magical red string thinking she knows everything. It's a good thing you're so famous and rich though, otherwise people might think that you sound crazy and/ or extremely stupid. But, you are those things-- rich and famous, we mean, not crazystupid, so that's a relief. But hey, good luck with the new album, and skanks for the memories.

14 October 2005

Tricks, Treats

Since there just isn't anything in the news that we really feel like talking about today (the TomKat artificial insemination business is just too easy to be worth it), we've decided to post about our own bullshit instead of some idiot celebrity's or Google's. Consider this a brief glimpse into the inner life of LTNA, the psychosis and misanthropy living behind the disparaging prose.

Halloween is a mere fortnight away, and it is truly one of our favorite days of the year. Unfortunately, year after year, we fail to get our shit together and get a really awesome costume. We could blame this on pot, but we don't like to point fingers. Unless, of course, it's to say "Mind if we hit that?"

However, we spent a good deal of last night ruminating over possible costumes with The Roommate. The Roommate, much like us, has had many ideas over the last few years that never made it to fruition. Trust us when we say this is a pity, as she is quite clever. Her favorite would-be costume to date is a ghost octopus, or "Octoghost."

As we are significantly less clever, our ideas tend more toward things that are much more sociopathic. That is, our costume ideas are the type that would be spoken about by friends weeks and perhaps even months after Halloween had passed, simply because they are so inappropriate that people would be aghast that anyone went through with it, even with the excuse of it being Halloween.

We'd like to clarify that we don't mean "inappropriate" as in "underdressed," and are not like many females who take the day as an excuse to wear stripper shoes, fishnets and a leotard and call it a costume. The last time we checked, "whore" is an occupation-- perhaps a hobby, even; but, it is most certainly not a Halloween costume, even if the fellas do seem to like it.

Rather, we look to sexual deviance, race and class issues to horrify our friends and acquaintances with our Halloween costume. And since we remembered the holiday far enough in advance this year to actually do something with one of these ideas, we've decided to seize the opportunity and make it happen. So, we've compiled a list below of our favorite ideas in no particular order, and we will be using this weekend to get the necessary costume pieces. We encourage you to vote in the comments section on which you think is the best. Or perhaps, we should have you vote for the worst, because that's probably the one we'd want.

1. A merkin

2. Condoleeza Rice

3. A slave

4. TomKat fetus (we had to have at least one joke)

5. Kwanzaa enthusiast

6. Gay

So there it is. We may come up with something more offensive, but we're pretty excited about these choices already. This is one of those rare opportunities to commit social suicide, and we're going for it. So post your vote, and we'll let you know how things turn out in two weeks.

iPity the Fool Who Reuses Shitty Puns

This isn't really all that interesting. But, our morning perusal of headlines has shown that not much else in today's news is all that interesting, either. So here we are, then.

MTV bought iFilm for $49 million, thus expanding their video library, advertising revenue potential, etc. Whatever. The rich get richer. This probably also means that iFilm will no longer be limited by their oppressive name, and just like their new Mommy, they'll be able to cast off the shackles obliging them to actually provide filmmaker and movie-related content.

Ages ago, when we wanted our MTV, we didn't want a channel that showed music videos. We really wanted a haven for delightful shows like Rich Girls, PoweR Girls and Laguna Beach. Everybody knows that. Like some guy once said "What's in a name?" Hopefully, under the new regime, iFilm will do away with all this "film" nonsense and become a puppet venue for MTV's self-promotion. At least, one can dream.

13 October 2005

Hooray! More Poorly-Conceived Sequels!

Much like the fabled fourth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise comes talk of not one, but two ill-advised Sylvester Stallone sequels. He is almost 60, after all. There's just something depressing about the once mighty Demolition Man sipping a can of Ensure. It's oddly more dignified when we picture it with a twisty straw.

Nevertheless, Stallone is already producing yet another Rambo film to add to the lot; further, they're also nearly greenlit on a script for a sixth Rocky movie. The rumor is Stallone is already training for the role, and is lined up to star and direct. We believe the working titles are Rambo IV: Aaaaaaargh! My Hip! and Rocky VI: Nobody Cares Anymore, respectively. Perhaps the likelihood of a heart attack or some other terrible injury will get the projects some free publicity. And if, by some cruel twist of fate, these two revivals that no one really wanted don't make it to the silver screen (or fail miserably once there), Sly can always fall back on his pudding empire.

iPity the Fools Who Bought Nanos

Sigh. We're sort of losing the will to live with each Apple/ Google press release. Well, losing the will to live more than before, at least. You probably already heard about it anyway, but humor us.

It seems like just yesterday we were learning about the iPod Nano's inner crappiness, while still lamenting that we didn't have one. Well, coming on the heels of the iPod Nano's release are the new iPod iPods [sic], which can can play video [sick!]. Everyone who ran out and bought a Nano right away just got punk'd. But it's okay, they can just tell themselves that the Nano's small size, "delicate" screen and inability to play video are what make it special.

To make things worse for the chumps, through some sort of kinky 69 between Steve Jobs and Bob Iger, a deal was struck allowing iPod iPod [still, sic] users to download episodes of all of ABC's shows to store on their 'Pods (that's what all the cool kids call it). Lucky for us, we don't even watch anything on ABC anyway, so, like, we don't even care. Go and enjoy your totally not freakin' sweet 'Pods. We'll be the ones not looking over your shoulder trying desperately to read Matthew Fox's lips while listening to our circa 2001 Sony Discman with AM/FM radio on the Santa Monica-bound 304. That's right, a fuckin' Discman. With rechargeable batteries that stopped working circa 2002, beotch! Don't be mad cuz you don't gotz our flava!

Madonna Rules Home with Iron Cone Bra

We figured we'd start the day with yet another tale of the banal things celebrities do that are rendered interesting by mass media's insistence on reporting them-- and LTNA doesn't count smartguy, as our dedicated readership (i.e. you) hardly counts as a "mass" by any stretch of the imagination. In this case, it has to do with Madonna's parenting.

Evidently, she refuses to allow television in her home (how original!), and only lets her kids watch movies. We assume Truth or Dare is not in the regular rotation. Furthermore, she doesn't allow them to be exposed to newspapers or magazines, either. We can't imagine why she wouldn't want her kids watching something as harmless as, say, the MTV; or reading about any potentially controversial events that may have taken place on some sort of awards show. You know, just for example. We're sure this ban of TV and print media is not because she has something to hide from them or anything, and her Chairman Mao-like control over their exposure to it isn't at all self-serving. After all, everybody knows it's those accursed newspapers forcing all of this sex and violence upon us, corrupting the youth. Damn you Daily Mail and New York Times! Damn you all!

Madonna does let Guy spoil them though, doing "wild stuff outside, taking them out on bikes." BIKE RIDES?! That barbarian! Someone call the Child Protection Agency! Let's just hope Madonna is smart enough to keep her kids off the internet, too. Certain websites, or these things called "weblogs" we heard about, can be pretty damaging to a person's credibility sometimes.

12 October 2005

Things with More Appeal.10

It's time for the ritualistic hocking of someone else's talent that is known as Things with More Appeal. Can you believe this one makes ten? It feels like just yesterday we were telling you to go watch obscure 80s films for the very first time. Then again, we probably were doing that just yesterday. But, hanging out on the corner of Santa Monica and Virgil wearing our homemade Corey Haim Institute of Dramatic Arts t-shirt [ed. note: CHIDA does not exist. The shirt, however, does.], while detailing the intricate plot points of The Lost Boys to anyone who will listen just doesn't give us the validation TWMA does. Onward!

Howard Stern is one of the most recognizable names in showbiz, and easily the most successful disc jockey of all time. We have been regular listeners of his morning show, as well as casual viewers of his now defunct E! show, for more than eight years. (If you need this put in perspective, eight years is well over a third of our lifetime.) What we're saying is, he's been in this business and has managed to stay relevant and entertaining for longer than we've been alive. That's, ah, that's pretty good.

However, you may or may not already know that Howard is going to Sirius Satellite Radio in January 2005. Hell, for the $500 million over five years deal they gave him, we'd move to the fucking star. This means that if you weren't hip to Howard before now, you only have two and a half more months to do it for free (mornings on 97.1 FM in Hell Ay). Believe us when we say there is a lot more to the show than midget hermaphrodite pornstars, okay? They have the Robospanker, too.

In all Siriusness (sorry), we don't know what our weekday mornings would have been like without Howard, Robin, Baba Booey, Fred and Jackie Artie over the last several years. Not a day goes by when a derelict crackhead sitting next to us on public transportation doesn't look at us like we're crazy for laughing out loud at something one one them has said. The Howard Stern Show is as sharp as ever-- sharp enough for us to resign ourselves to start paying for it in 2006, even. And you should know by now we don't like to spend a ton of dough on anything.

They say the best things in life are free, but so is the clap, and that doesn't sound like much fun to us. So whether or not you decide to give Howard a shot now when he's still gratis, we have to say we think that if you do, you may realize he'll be well worth the sacrifice of two beers per month starting in January. And to convince even an alcoholic cheapskate like us of that shows that, after all these years, Howard still has as much appeal as ever.

Freddy Prinze Jr. Is a Fucking Idiot

Unbeknownst to us, Freddy Prinze Jr. has been in the news recently, claiming he'd cracked a rib. However, the startling truth has come out. We hope you're sitting down for this.

Mr. Michelle Gellar has said he wasn't being honest about his cracked rib, and instead he had simply eaten too much Chinese Food from his favorite restaurant. It's depressing enough that this is even in the news to begin with. But compound this with the fact that we (the pillar of hard-hitting news and integrity that we are), are posting about it, and then a new and interesting form of self-loathing begins to brew-- not to mention our long-festering and pungent Hollywood-loathing. It truly stings the nostrils.

Anyway, we really only brought this piece up in the first place so we could point you to the direct quotation from Prinze regarding this whole "ordeal."

"[My rib] is not cracked. It's officially torn muscles between two ribs. I ate a lot and my stomach was a little upset and I went to bed and I woke up the next day and I felt like I broke a rib. [I ate] a lot of Chinese food. My favorite little place in New York is a place called Chun Lee and they have a lot of food and I ate all of it. It hurts really bad. They gave me Vicodin, but I can't take too much of that because I have to work. So they gave me these anti-inflammatories, but they make me throw up, which tears the muscle more, so it's not really that helpful."

A brilliant wordsmith, indeed! Listening to this guy all day must be pure delight, kind of like hanging out with a retard-- but a retard who's kind of cool because he doesn't look that retarded, especially if you don't look at his face. And the retard is rich, also. Overall, a pretty sweet deal, we think. Buffy is one lucky woman.

Jon Stewart Wins Award for Writing Harry Potter

BREAKING: Jon Stewart is JK Rowling! Sarcasm, etc. etc.

Honestly, Google News, this is starting to not even be fun any more.

11 October 2005

Must Love Crap Movies, The Prequel: When Hackneyed Met Lame

Why not follow up one post about the shittiness of Hollywood with another? With the news that the James Bond movie franchise producers have likely found their new 007, came news from the folks over at the Austin Powers franchise. Namely, they want to rush into production to make a fourth film to coincide with the release of the new Bond film next year. And as we all know, "rushed into production" is definitely a phrase associated with every truly great film immortalized on AFI's top 100. But wait, there's more.

Mike Meyers-- you know, the guy who actually plays Austin Powers, is probably not going to be in it. Neither will Michael York, who plays Basil Exposition. (In case you haven't seen any of the flicks, this is kind of a big deal.) Bearing in mind how much the two sequels to the original sucked even with these key players on board, we have to say this film can only end up one of two ways: total shite. Was that only one way? Well, we never were good at math.

Top this off with the fact that Seth Green (who we have adored since Airborne, so don't get us wrong) is probably going to star in the film, playing a young Dr. Evil-- i.e. doing his best impression of Mike Meyers doing Dr. Evil. So, what we have in the works here is a sequel-turned-prequel born from the original movie's stars' refusal to participate in the project. This is what we in the biz like to call "movie magic."

In the meantime, we're off to the bodega to stock up on King Cobra for the next 52 or so Saturday nights. And Push-Pops. They better not be out of red this time. Purple sucks.

Must Love Crap Movies

A consumer testing service has made an important discovery as to why this summer's box office was such a disaster: Men aged 13 to 24 aren't down with paying ten bucks to see shitty movies starring Reese Witherspoon. Who knew?! All this time we thought that we were being "weird" or "exhibiting addictive tendencies" when we found we favored staying home and watching Lebowski for the 80th time with a tall, cold OE. We've yet to find a better way to spend a Saturday night without spending more than $2.75.

Nevertheless, we're glad that our instincts fall in line with the fellas', and we're even more glad that a study had to be done for people to realize that the box office numbers' decline have a direct relationship to the quality of the movies Hollywood is shitting out. More irksome is that these two figures have an inverse relationship to the price of movie tickets. For the price of just one ticket to one of this summer's gems like The Dukes of Hazzard, for example (and you already know how we feel about this movie), we could instead buy three 40s and a pack of Now and Laters. It's pretty clear here which is the better choice. (Hint: In this scenario-- and any other for that matter, the better choice is always the one where you end up drunk.)

10 October 2005

Immaculate Conception Would've Been More Believable

We're gone for three freaking days, and of course one of the biggest stories to break since we emerged from nothingness into mediocrity hits the wire almost immediately. We're sure you've already heard about it. Yes, the mythical mini-Cruise festering in Katie Holmes' supposedly virginal womb. Did we say "totally made-up publicity stunt fetus," Mr. High-Powered Lawyer? You must have heard us wrong. What we said was "really real bundle of joy from everyone's favorite totally in un-fake love couple, comprised of a heterosexual man and woman. Did we mention the part about HETEROSEXUAL?" Okay, Mr. Lawyer? As long as we're all on the same non-litigious page.

The newer news in the TomKat saga is simply that they've done yet another crazy thing that is marginally surprising, but also kind of not, because nothing they can do really is any more. "Kate" has fired her publicist of 9 years, only to follow Cruise's example of hiring Lee Anne DeVette, his publisister. The couple is taking steps to "sever all ties with non-Scientologists," which we completely understand and find wholly unweird and perfectly sane, and we're sure "Kate's" non-Scientologist family and friends would agree. We are so happy for Hollywood's most realistic in-love-to-the-maximum-extreme power couple, and if you're not, you're being a glib asshole.

Boy George, the Roman Polanski of Cokeheads

Boy George flew the coop after police found an 8-ball of blow in his New York pad. What sucks even worse for Georgie is that he called the police himself, as he thought someone was breaking into his house. Upon arrival, the police's search unveiled the nose candy. Unfortunately, George was stupid enough to go with the classic but extremely lame "But Officer, it's not even mine" defense, yet was smart enough to get out of the country at once and headed back to London as soon as he posted bail. He should give "Cocaine Kate" a call so they can commiserate over their partying woes.

And if anyone is surprised by the Karma Chamelion's coke use-- alleged, of course, we direct the confused to his picture above. Consider this an open invitation to anyone who can provide a feasible explanation (outside of massive amounts of charlie all day, every day for the last twenty years), that would justify Boy George's fashion choices. Come on. We dare you.

04 October 2005

LTNA Takes a Holiday


By the time you read this, we'll be gone. But fret not, darling! We can't keep ourselves away from you for long, though our mere moments apart already feel like eons.

Nay, beloved! We are the first to admit that our heart is eternally fettered to yours, and never shall they be cleaved in twain. What was once two atrophied pieces truly has become one robust whole. So yes, we are gone, but only for the passage of five suns, and we shall return to you Monday, and caress your tearful countenance to our familiar, welcoming bosom.

With a love that weakens the mighty,



Things with More Appeal.9

We were tempted to post about the rumor that Paris Hilton is already back on the slut wagon, and is supposedly dating Mary Kate Olsen's ex-- who, by the way, is also a Greek shipping heir billionaire. But, we figure this was pretty much a given, and as we only have a half-day here today, we figured we should just cut to the chase. (Even us Gentiles can reap the benefits of Rosh Hashanah... unless you work at Carl's Jr. or anywhere other than the extremely Semite-friendly Hollywood.) So here is the 9th installment of LTNA's very own Things with More Appeal.

First off, we want to clarify that this week's Thing is not-- repeat, IS NOT Gary Busey. That guy freaks us out, and he should freak you out too. This week's thing is a rather useful website, that we were introduced to some five years ago. It's called Erowid. Basically, what this website is is a database of useful information on plants and drugs, legal or otherwise, that are known to be used for... erm... recreation. The reason Erowid is awesome is it's so filled with information that if "your friend" is considering experimenting with a particular drug, it will allow you-- that is, your friend, to be armed with the type of information one would want to have to make an educated decision about said drug. Yes, whether you're a budding screenwriter doing a bit of research or a fucking junky, Erowid can probably teach you a a thing or two.

So let's say you're thinking of trying PCP. You could cruise on over to Erowid, click through to their section on PCP, and you would probably run into a gallery of several pictures of our friend Gary Busey, up there. [ed. note: We haven't actually tried this, but it's probably a safe assumption that this is what's featured on the site. At least, that's what we'd do if we ran it.] Therefore, with the aid of this very informative site, you would be able to make a sound decision not to do a drug like PCP. That is, unless you really like the idea of ending up like Mr. Busey. He seems pretty okay with it, at least.

Further, for those ignorant of the differences between say, a PCP/Peyote/candy flip combo (or as Busey, Eddie Furlong and others of their ilk would call it, "Thursday"), and a pretty harmless "drug" like marijuana, Erowid would make it abundantly clear that weed is not what's causing anyone to run over 7-year-olds at Burger King drive-thrus, as some anti-drug commercials would suggest. At the very least you could form really new and specific prejudices against various kinds of drug-addicts (we find meth-heads positively dreadful). Who doesn't want new groups to hate? It has something for everyone! Ultimately, Erowid is all around a very well-made resource on a very taboo subject. And, we just happen to find that very appealing.

03 October 2005

NY and SF Transit Bureaus Not Very Nice

The New York MTA has been sucking a lot the past few years, mostly due to their price-gouging. But in case you're not from New York (and consequently don't give a shit how much a 30-Day Unlimited Metrocard costs these days), here's another dick move, courtesy of the MTA.

This clever blogger fellow has been providing free maps of various major cities' subway systems for storage on iPods. Yes, we thought it was a pretty cool idea too. NY and San Francisco, however, are ordering this guy to stop making the maps available. And we're not even sure why. What's a little copyright infringement between pals? Besides, the dude is doing all of this for free, so perhaps the respective Transit Authorities are just pissed they didn't think of it first so they could charge for it. Incidentally, London, Paris and several other major cities seem to be fine with him doing this. So, at least we can be sure that capitalist litigiousness is going strong, even when it doesn't appear that anyone stands to profit. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Hollywood Sucks, Part 934,658

We've been hearing for some time that the priapism-afflicted meth-fiend Tom Sizemore is "in talks" to get his own VH1 reality show, Super Sizemore. Today's Page Six, however, is saying that VH1 is also doing lunch with Robert "The White OJ" Blake's people, to develop a show for the recently-acquitted actor, who is now undergoing a civil trial brought on by his murdered wife's family. Unfortunately, the title Kill Reality was already taken by some bullshit show on E!

We can't wait to see these shows, as a girlfriend-beater and a potential murderer, respectively, take us along the wild ride that is their daily lives, wherein horrific situations are rendered inappropriately hilarious by the melifluous tones of Snow Patrol paired with impecably-placed zany sound effects rivaled only by those of The Richard Bey Show. Run-on sentences! Weeeeeee!

A Return to Normalcy

You know the classic credo "If it seems like too much of a publicity stunt to have ever been a real engagement in the first place, it probably is?" Well, Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis have called it quits. Shocking, we know. We can't believe Paris 2 decided against marrying the world's most famous public access vagina/ hotel heiress either! If Paris Hilton isn't marrying material, what hope is there for the rest of us regular gals? Especially since the union of Paris Squared never seemed at all like a contrived attempt to clean up Paris 1's skanktastic image (Paris and Paris? It's like somethin' outta the motion pictures with the movie stars, ma!). Regardless of the fact that we've been hearing they broke up over a month ago, we can't help but remain saddened by the end of this most fairy tale-like of unions. No amount of anonymous jiz can fill the emptiness Paris 1 is feeling right now, but we know we can count on her to try her hardest prove us wrong. That's just the kind of girl she is.