30 November 2005

Looks Like India's Fucked

Anyone who knows how to party knows that the key to an awesome Friday night is unprotected sex with a stranger in the back of a semi at a freeway rest stop. Just be sure that rest stop isn't in India. The rate of HIV and AIDS infection is rising at a rate so alarming that India is now second only to South Africa in the number of infections, due largely to "deadly HIV highways." Does this mean that, in a few years, directions will change from "take the 101 to the 110 to the 10" to "take the Crabs Central to the Van Clap to the HIV"?

There are an estimated 5 to 8 million long-haul truck drivers in India supplying the country with items ranging from apples, to air conditioners and now, AIDS. At rest stops called dhabas, the drivers bang prostitutes for pennies. "Prostitutes for Pennies." That sounds like an awesome charity. Maybe a band name. We're getting off topic, huh?

But, yeah, so these drivers are fucking all these whores without protection on their trucking routes, and then spreading HIV all over the place. Then, they go home and infect their wives. It's a pretty vicious domino effect. The only places where infection isn't spreading are the areas located away from trucking routes. Short of a vaccine or cure for AIDS, there doesn't seem to be anything that the People in Charge can do to stop this. Bummer. On the plus side, this opens up a new market for souvenir items that can say things like "My boyfriend went to India and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And AIDS."

Gays in UK Free to Marry, Wear Cosby Sweaters

Now that the UK will legalize same sex partnerships with the Civil Partnership Act 2004 beginning next month, George Michael will join Elton John and the thongs throngs of homosexuals who will get hitched. Georgie will wed his partner of 10 years, Kenny Chesney Goss. Says GM, "I'm sure Kenny and I will be doing the old legal thing but we won't be doing the whole veil and gown thing." It's a good thing too, because the wedding will be gay enough without men wearing dresses.

Okay, it was a cheap shot. It's been years, but we're still recovering from the trauma of first learning that George Michael is gay, since we'd been planning to marry him since his days in WHAM! Sure, it seems blatantly obvious that Michael is a homo when we watch him rocking out by the jukebox in the video for "Faith" now, but we were 4 years old when that video came out (no pun intended, as it's an extremely lame one even for our standards). We couldn't have been expected to understand that "gay" meant anything more than "extremely happy about these painted-on jeans, leather-daddy jacket and dangling cross earring."

29 November 2005

Mix Two Parts Slut with Four Parts Dim Lighting...

It's about time some scienticians did something awesome instead of "discovering" obvious shit. In this instance, it is a quantitative exploration of the qualitative elements of beer goggles. No, seriously:

Behold! The science behind beer goggles, wherein:

An = number of units of alcohol consumed
S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 equals clear air; 10 equals extremely smoky)
L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square meter; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting)
Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard)
d = distance from 'person of interest' (meters; 0.5 to 3 meters)

Without this magical combination of exponents and Greek letters, we wouldn't have had 6 out of 6 of our last relationships. After all, we've always felt that blacking out and anonymous sex were indeed, a science. Yay math!

[Source: BBC News via TIWWDN]

C'mon, You Know You've Always Wondered What Porking a Re-Re Is Like

"I need to make a 50 Cent condom, and a motorized version of me. A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. A lot of [vibrators] aren't waterproof. [...] Blue is my favorite color, so it would probably be blue. But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo. But I want to do something like that, to create something that's popular and exciting sexually for women."

"Exciting" isn't the word we'd have used to describe discovering your vibrator somehow knocked you up and gave you herpes. But, then again, our command of the English language is nowhere near 50 Cent's. Hats off, Mr. Cent, hats off.

[Source: New Kerala via A Socialite's Life]

Another Report States the Obvious

It seems that downloading music illegally (i.e., for free) is preferred threefold to downloading it legally from sources like Crapster and iTunes (i.e., paying for it like a sucker). 15% of consumers use P2P file sharing and only 5% use the online shops. A report from JupiterResearch revealed this, as well as the even more shocking news that youngster punks seem to have the strongest "taste for illegal music," with some 34% of 15-24-year-olds sharing files illegally. And don't even get them started on the cd burning!

Perhaps this report will force the corporate fat cats to come to terms with the fact that people are always going to risk taking something for free above paying for it, even if they keep making examples of the 14-year-olds who get caught every now and then. Hey, maybe we can work this into that Hackers sequel we're writing. This whole phenomenon seems like great fodder for a Footloose-esque movie, about kids "who took the risk to rock out." Gawd, we can't wait until we're the ones running Hollywood.

28 November 2005

G Dub: Get Elected and Deny Lyin'

The best thing about 50 Cent is all of the insightful, intelligent things he has to say, like when he attributed Kanye West's entire career to himself. His latest shrapnel pearl of wisdom is regarding our fine President, whom 50 thinks is "incredible... a gangsta." Oh, come on. You're just mad 'cause Fiddy thought of such an apropos comparison first.

"'I wanna meet George Bush, just shake his hand and tell him how much of me I see in him,' 50 told GQ. If the rapper's felony conviction didn't prevent him from voting, 50 said he would have voted for Bush."

Lucky for the President, there were enough retards without felony convictions for things to end up his way. The fact that 50 Cent sees so much of himself, a criminal, imbecile and likely a murderer, in our President gives ol' Bushy some street cred. Mad street cred.

Here's Hoping Lachey Didn't Sign a Pre-nup

Like all good couples trapped in sham marriages, Nick and Jessica Simpson have finally decided to put all parties involved out of their misery. Sadly, they did not opt for the murder-suicide route. Rather, they released a statement Wednesday saying they had separated after three years of pretending to be happily married.

Releasing their statement on Wednesday, after most people had already checked out for the holiday, must have been their publicists' way of acknowledging that the Nick and Jessica saga has become the Hollywood equivalent of The Boy Who Cried "Wolf," and that this announcement comes as a surprise to no one. Well, no one aside from the people who bought the DVDs of Newlyweds without any trace of irony, at least.

Waxing off Our Tears

R.I.P. Pat Morita, 1932-2005 (yes, "Mr. Miyagi"), who died Thursday of natural causes. Sounds like it was a pretty crap Thanksgiving at the Moritas' this year.

23 November 2005

Well, at Least We Don't Have to Go to Work

The holiday season is upon us in earnest, friends. It's that time of year dedicated to consumerism, gluttony and sloth, so we wish you all a not entirely unpleasant Thanksgiving. After all, that's what Christmas is for. So, when you find your cranberry sauce growing salty with your tears because "you've ruined Thanksgiving again!" keep your chin up. After all, you have to do it all over again in a few weeks.

LTNA will be back Monday with the poorly written posts you've learned to tolerate like your alcoholic father. We warn you in advance that we already have tunnel vision straight through to Kwanzaa (not really), so you can expect this blog to suck even more than usual through the end of 2005 (yes, really). So in the spirit of the holidays, fuck you, Mom! happy Thanksgiving!

Supercent: Slower Than a Retarded Fourth-Grader

Despite our resentment of Fifty Cent, we can't help but follow the reports of the latest Fiddy-related murder(s) or gun fight(s). We know it doesn't make "cents," but what can we say? We love drugs, violence and terrible puns.

Apparently, Fifty "Yeah, I Got Shot Nine Times" Cent fought off the bullets from his assailants' weapons with his bare hands, when they ambushed him in his car outside of his grandmother's house in Jamaica, Queens all those years ago. This incident is reenacted in Fifty's movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Maybe we're making light of the whole getting-shot-nine-times-at-close-range-and-then-driving-yourself-to-the-hospital deal, but the idea that he thought it possible and wise to defend himself against bullets with his bare hands displays a unique blend of delusions of grandeur mixed with mental retardation. Honestly, are books Fifty Cent's kryptonite? Sure, he did survive the shooting, but seriously. His bare fucking hands? What a douche.

There's also a bunch of new shit that has come to light regarding who Fifty's would-be assassins were, as Chris Lorenzo, one of the founders of Murder, Inc., has revealed some new details. Most notably, Lorenzo says that that "Hommo" dude wasn't the one responsible for the attack on Fifty, and that the reason Fifty pinned it on him was it would be easier to put the blame on a dead guy than to reveal the truth. The article also calls Lorenzo a "self-confessed pimp," but we're pretty certain they mean to say "self-proclaimed pimp." Ain't no apologies in the pimp game, y'all.

22 November 2005

Ricky Martin Wants YOU to Be His Urinal Cake

We thought we were in the clear when Ricky Martin fell off the face of the earth in 2001; but, sadly, we were wrong. He's back with a new shitastic album and doing the publicity rounds. So, in the unlikely event you haven't heard about this already, we consider it our duty to warn you that that effeminate freakazoid likes to drip drip drip, pee on his gender-ambiguous lovers. Ricky seems to be trapped in the closet right next to R. Kelly, in more ways than one. Here's R. Martin in his own words to Blender:

"I love giving the golden shower. [...] I've done it before in the shower. It's like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."

Now, look at the photo above. Okay, now picture that guy peeing on you.

Alright? Alright. And, yes, it is remarkably easy to perform a DIY lobotomy with an ordinary household icepick and a melon-baller. Why do you ask?

[Source: MSNBC]

BREAKING: Neglect and Abuse Fuck Your Kids Up

These scientists went through this whole extensive study to learn that when kids aren't cuddled and given attention from their parental figures at an early stage, they turn out to be fucked up adults. To make the study even more ludacris ludicrous, they compared kids who had been raised by their biological parents to orphans who had been emotionally deprived their entire lives. Russian orphans.

So, just to get this straight, not only did the scientists pick kids in a situation that even Roman Polanski agrees is devastating, but they picked orphans from the one country known mostly for suffering, alcoholism and recently, abortions. We're beginning to think we're pursuing the wrong field, entirely. If being a scientist just means wearing those awesome lab coats and taking months to make completely obvious "discoveries," then we're in. Plus, they get to hang out with monkeys.

21 November 2005

Did the Mannequin at Least Look Like Kim Cattrall?

Security guards found Michael Plentyhorse, 18, on the floor of an arts center gettin' bizay with a mannequin. Unfortunately, hilarity did not ensue for the teen, as it did for Andrew McCarthy when he did exactly the same thing in 1987, and Mr. Plentyhorse has been charged with indecent exposure. Incidentally, if "Michael Plentyhorse" isn't a porn name, we don't know what is.

We can all take a lesson from Plentyhorse's cruel fate. We can't say he didn't desrve to be arrested for having his pants down and out-and-out fucking a mannequin in public. Amateur! Everyone knows that's what dry humping is for.

Can We Reuse the Decorations from Her Last "Welcome Home from Rehab" Party?

A judge ruled Friday that Courtney Love is cleared to leave her rehab facility. Soon, Courtney will be free to roam the streets, pinching the breasts of the unsuspecting, and flashing her cooter to the recoiling (read: those with sight). Yes, we're bound to have a solid 12 hours before we hear that she's passed out wearing a panda costume in Pamela Anderson's laundry room after peeing on her dog. Of course, maybe we'll get a full 24 hours, assuming Courtney's handled her habit of having "too much Diet Coke," in rehab, as well. Congrats, Courtney! Let freedom ring!

More Things We Can't Afford

So now, folks will be able to download programs stored on their TiVo boxes onto their iPods. This will also be possible for people with PlayStation Portables. To quote Brody Bruce in Mallrats, "Damn that's hot!"

We don't really have anything to add to that, since it is Monday morning, and we're too busy feeling bummed out that we have to work two and a half whole days before we can descend into the annual ceremony of gluttony and decadence, known as "Thanksgiving." In any event, we'll be more diligent in faking our enthusiasm after we've had a bit of caffeine. Maybe a bagel. Cinnamon raisin. Yeah, definitely cinnamon raisin. Oh-- are you still here? Well, uh, we'll brb.

18 November 2005

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas has come a little early friends. Kelly Osbourne is quitting her "singing career." Glorious! Never again will we have to endure a new cover of some Madonna song by the Princess of Darkness. Well, at least unless she changes her mind, which she probably will. Enjoy it while you can, kids.

And just what is the 21-year-old planning to do now that she's quitting the whole singing charade? "I don't intend to do anything. I've been working since I was 15. What do I want to work for?"

Funny. Our parents never told us that sloppin' around alternated with going to rehab a few times a year could be called "working." Sweet deal. That means that we've been working since we were 14, Kelly. We win!

Apple May or May Not Do Something Next Year

There's been a lot of discussion regarding Apple's plans to release a model with an Intel processor. Now, it seems that their first experiment with this may be as early as January, with Apple possibly announcing the first iBook featuring Intel technology. However, if we've learned anything from the Nano, and from our experience any first generation Apple product for that matter, the iNtel notebook is sure to be fraught with bugs and glitches. We've found waiting for the second or third round is always a good idea with Macs.

There's also a lot of speculation over what the price and processor speed will be for the first model, but some are saying this model could give Apple an opportunity to compete with the more affordable entry level PeeC computers, which currently run as low as $400. We've always believed you get what you pay for. It seems Apple agrees, and as thier cheapest iBook costs a G, you can imagine their response to the suggestion they slum it with the likes of Dell:

"Fuck that shit. Dell's a stank danish trick. You try to stiff me five hun'ned on my merchandise, I shank yo' ass, shake the shit outta you until my money falls out and put you on my track. Better recognize."

Apple does have a point. It is so worth paying double the price of a comparable model for your computer to look adorable.

17 November 2005

Ah, Sweet Sweet Filler

We have no real reason to post this. We were just revisiting one of our favorite sites, BlackPeopleLoveUs.com, and thought this photo was just too funny not to share. If you haven't already checked out the site from our list of "Stuff We Like" on the left, do it dawg.

Google One Step Closer to Enslaving Man

While the San Francisco boys sat around with their thumbs up their asses, um, so to speak, Mountain View jumped on Google's offer to use them as the testing ground for free city-wide WiFi service. It's a five year plan wherein Google has permission to use the poles from street lights as the access points for wireless infrastructure.

Now comes the little snag of figuring out where the money comes from, since the whole reason people were resistant to this idea was it's a teeny bit nebulous as to how anyone stands to profit from providing a free service. Clearly, Google has figured out how they stand to profit, since it is their idea; but, we're not sure how they were planning to pay for this whole experiment without putting up their own money. We're sure Google's not worried, though. They've more than proven themselves to be the hang low saxons on the IT track.

Ferrell to Star in Flick That Probably Won't Suck

Will Ferrell. Amy Poehler. Will Arnett. Jon Heder (you know, Napoleon Dynamite). And, a competitive ice skating movie. The first and last elements of that list are enough on their own to get us totally stoked, so words cannot express our anticipation of seeing our two favorite Wills in this project together. Well, no words other than "giggady giggady goo!" The working title is Blades of Glory. Yeah, we love it too.

Between Talladega Nights and this, it really looks like Ferrell is working hard to do his penance for Bewitched. Naturally, Ben Stiller's Red Hour Films is producing, which will mean the obligatory cameos. It's so rare that we get to read something on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter that doesn't make us want to punch a kitten, we're going to sit back and enjoy this, relishing in the temporarily subsided thoughts of suicide.

16 November 2005

Binaca to Introduce New "Stoned" Flavour

Doctors in the UK will soon be able to prescribe cannabis mouth spray as treatment for MS, imported from Canadia, where it's already legal. Incidentally, we've experienced the glory of honey hash mouth spray a few times before (good Lord we miss college!), and if what the Canadans are are shipping over there is anything like that, those limey fucks should be stoked.

We're pretty jealous of all the people with MS in England right about now, although we can't help but feel like there's some downside to that situation that we're not grasping... Well, we hear it gets pretty cold in England, sometimes. Hmmm. If that means the only option is moving up north to America 2, we'll just have to keep getting stoned the old fashioned way.

The Day Blogs Died

Though we very seldom visit Perez Hilton for reasons we won't get into, today's been slow enough to warrant a quick pop-in. And, the pop-in proved to be surpisingly fruitful. Nick Denton, king of the Gawker Media illuminati, struck a deal with Yahoo, wherein he'll make-- you guessed it-- even more money:

"Yahoo! Inc. is set to announce Wednesday the addition of gossip and news Web content from five of Gawker Media's most popular Web sites to its evolving portfolio of news and entertainment material. Five to seven stories per day will be posted in their entirety from each blog and added to Yahoo! News' editorial roster."

Nicky, baby, you've come a long way from being the subject of ridicule on trucker's hats. We would congratulate you, if we weren't convinced that there's some truth to the Defamer's playful jokes about you being the devil.

Taking a Few Cheap Shots at the Bronx

Matt Damon has been wrestling wearing only a flesh colored thong with 5 other totally naked guys, and they all get squirted with peepee when they're doing it. Here's where it gets weird: They've been doing this in the Bronx!

But, seriously folks, this is part of some frat initiation scene Damon is shooting. At least, that's what they say in the article. Funny, though. We thought most "fraternity initiation," "plumber house call" and "pizza delivery" scenes were shot in the Valley, not the Bronx. It's also funny that Matt Damon is getting paid millions of dollars to do this, when most Bronx residents do it for free. ZING!

[Source: Wow Report via A Socialite's Life]

UPDATE: Thanks to a tip in the comments section from a blogebrity we love as much as we hate saying "blogebrity," we've learned the link is broken. Just so youse know, you're not missing much. The article doesn't have any photos of Damon's tomfoolery, just the description we summarized above, sans the Bronx zingers.

Hope She Doesn't Blow Her Lines

Kate Moss wants to be the eleventy billionth model to try acting. We only hope this works out as well as Fair Game did. Perhaps with a bit of coaching, Kate really will be able to give a realistic portrayal of Beautiful Woman 1, opposite Bubba Baldwin in some romanticactionadventure flick.

We can't even come up with any more to say about this. The realization that we live in a world where Paris Hilton is making an album, Nicole Richie has "written" a book and Kate Moss is set to start acting, we're beginning to lose the ability to have a sense of humor about things.

Well, actually that Fair Game reference was pretty sweet. Maybe we do still got it.

15 November 2005

Actually, We Always Thought Cowboys Were Kind of Gay...

Twinks are all atwitter with the impending release of Bareback Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's "gay cowboy movie" starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. The buzz the film generated at Sundance has many thinking this is the movie that will defy the curse of the mainstream gay love story-- the same curse that prevented 20th Century Fox from taking the gamble of casting Paul Lynde opposite Cary Grant in An Affair to Remember, leaving us to wonder what could have been to this very day. (Too obscure?)

But, we digress. Many speculate Brokeback will do for the gay love story what Alexander didn't, and obscure indie movies like Edge of Seventeen couldn't. It is set for a limited holiday release, and will expand wider in January (ugh...poor choice of words). We're not particularly psyched to see Jakey make out with that guy from 10 Things I Hate about This Movie, but after seeing that clip of Jarhead with Jake dancing around with that Santa's hat on his junk, well, we figure Brokeback can't get much gayer than that.

In the Future, We All Work for Google

The evil hippie geniuses over at Google have extended their offer of free beta WiFi to Mountain View, CA, now that SF has been sitting on their offer to be the testing ground for several weeks. Google's eager to test this idea out, since it makes really good business sense to them and they want to start forming their model. Of course, it makes terrible business sense for, well, ALL of Google's competitors, which would explain these delays.

You know, it's going to be really funny when, in the year 2067 after Google has enslaved all mankind and all bases are belong to them, we'll be able to look at these days and remember how these all used to seem like really good ideas.

14 November 2005

Talking about This Makes Us Part of the Problem

It just keeps getting creepier. Perhaps, in an attempt to squelch rumors that part of Kate's deal (and furthermore to squelch rumors that there even is any "deal"), the TomKat juggernaut has dispatched the newest update to this match made in the Scientology Celebrity Center-- or as we uncleared thetan-riddled plebes would say, "heaven."

Brace yourself: Kate is quitting acting to be a stay at home mom and wife. "She and Tom have decided it is best," according to "friends." Do we really need to make a brainwashing/ cult joke here for you to realize the inherent insanity of this entire situation? Great, thanks.

We have intense doubts that Kate is so daft as to really give up acting at only 26, but we're so exhausted of this whole thing we're beginning to sort of...not...care. We're starting to not care so much that we don't even really want to talk about it any more. It's like that old Aesop's fable, "The Crackhead and the Car." When a crackhead throws up on your car the first time, you want to tell everyone about it, because it's just so crazy. When it happens a second time, most would agree that it becomes even crazier! But then, when it just keeps happening, you have to realize that it's never going to stop until you start pretending you don't notice there's a crackhead who keeps vomiting on your car.

Like a Fine Wine, Drunk Sluts Improve with Age

It took 3 decades, but Tara Reid revealed she had finally grasped the concept of "irony" at her 30th birthday party over the weekend. Optimistic friends plan to teach her the art of "subtle irony" by 60.

Gerbil Enthusiast Chills with Other Sex Offenders

Richard Gere has a new movie about to begin shooting, called The Flock, wherein he plays a fed tracking a girl believed to be kidnapped by some chester. To research his role, Gere has been hanging around the sheriff's deputies in New Mexico, as well as several real, live, registered sex offenders.

We don't really understand why Rich had to go all the way to New Mexico just to talk to some sex offenders, when 3 out of 4 guys you pass on the street in regular Mexico are perfectly good sex offenders. Further, they'd probably be more than happy to talk to a famous guy like Richard Gere about it. Hell, he didn't even need to leave L.A. A quick stop-over in Echo Park would have provided ample research subjects. We can only posit that Mr. Gere first researched the best places to get research on sex offenders, and discovered that New Mexico is to sex offenders what Idaho is to potatoes, or what New Jersey is to AIDS. And that, friends, is why Richard Gere is a professional.

Fox Continues to Be Cock/Cunt-Tease

Lotsa bloggy types and trade media outlets have already been getting whiney about the supposed cancellation of Arrested Development. The only reason we didn't comment on this when the news of Fox cutting the episode order to 13 first hit the wire last week was quite simple: This has happened before. In fact, we expect this too, shall pass, only for the same thing to happen again in a fourth season (call us optimists). Being on the verge of cancellation has gone hand in hand with Arrested since its inception two and a half seasons ago. We're at a point where we simply refuse to freak until the threat of cancellation is much more than a threat. Indeed, we're used to this type of thing by now.

Having watched the show from the very beginning, we understand newer fans' consternation over every press release. One must learn to acknowledge that the show is endangered, and it's always been/ going to be that way. We're beginning to wonder if Fox just enjoys striking the fear of cancellation into fans so repeatedly. Perhaps in some convoluted attempt to gain press, Fox has made stupid move after stupid move with regard to this show, sabotaging their own efforts to drum up ratings at every turn:

-After the show gets several Emmy noms, Fox decides to change the night the show airs, confusing viewers.

-After Arrested wins one of the coveted statues for the second year in a row, Fox stops airing new episodes for a month in anticipation of November sweeps, further jeopardizing their tenuous chances of audience growth.

-During the pre-sweeps break in airing new eps, Fox does not air reruns of the show on Monday nights, denying Arrested a chance to further cement itself in the Monday lineup and annihilating any chances the show has to gain new/ "if you haven't seen it, it's new to you!" viewers.

-Fox then airs two new episodes during the first week of sweeps, blowing their load of new eps for two weeks in just one night, but promises new episodes to come in the approaching weeks.

-Fox says "just kidding," and shelves the rest of the new episodes set to air in place of reruns of Prison Break.

At this point, Fox has made it difficult for the show's fans to understand when they can watch the show, so forget about anyone new watching. Next thing you know, Arrested's only pulling in 4 million viewers, so Fox cuts the season in half, blaming everything but their own idiocy in handling the show.

And thusly, the cyclical outcries of frustration and anger return, as predictably as the waxing and waning of the moon. Who knows? Maybe the real tactic being employed is simply Fox trying to get the fan base low enough to feel justified in finally canceling such a lauded show. If they can get the die-hard fans to give up and embrace tripe like The War at Home as a replacement, then it won't look so much like they were the ones who drowned the puppy. It's what they did with Greg the Bunny and Family Guy. Of course, one of those two fared much better than the other, in the end.

There is no real point to this diatribe. It's just that it's Monday, which means Arrested would have aired tonight, but now it won't. Sure, we're bummed about that, and we'll be bummed when the show does, ultimately get cancelled. But, it hasn't yet. So, until it does, we'll keep watching it, despite Fox's best efforts to stop us. If you're a fan, you should do the same. And, if you're not a fan, you should be.

11 November 2005

Warning: Stay Away from Fifty's Candy Shop

Oh, Fiddy, Fiddy, Fiddy. Can't we all just get along? A cinematoplex in Pittsburgh has pulled Get Rich or Die Tryin' from it's theaters, after a shooting ensued following a screening of Fifty's flick. Three guys got into an argument in the john, and the fight spilled out into the concessions area, where Shelton Flowers was shot fatally. Fiddy went on The View and expressed publicist-scripted regret over the incident, but added "You know, these weren't kids. This was a 30-year-old man [who] had a dispute with three other guys."

There's no indication that the fight had anything to do with Mr. Cent or his movie, but hey, there's no indication that it didn't have everything to do with the Fifty Cent and his movie. After all, 30-year-old adult monkey see, 30-year-old adult monkey buy Twizzlers, peepee, get into argument and then shoot Shelton Flowers at the movies, as they say.

Not to be insensitive, but it's sort of hard to ignore that a guy named "Shelton Flowers" being killed in a crowded movie house is extremely theatrical, in itself. We can only dare to dream what a thrilling denouement it would make in an MTV hip-hopera, with all parts voiced and possibly even played by R. Kelly. He has, after all, proven his acting chops in all nine chapters of the "Trapped in the Closet" video saga.

Oh, fuck sensitivity! Let's make this project happen. It's gold, we tell you! Solid gold!

Sarah Is Magic*

This is an important day for true fans of comedy. Today, dear friends, Jesus Is Magic comes out. Jesus is, of course, Sarah Silverman's movie (she wrote and stars in it), which has been anticipated highly (by us) since the trailer started running before The Aristocats Aristocrats all those months ago. What's even better is that it's getting pretty good reviews, in case our enthusiasm isn't contagious enough to get you into the theater.

Most of the movie is her stand-up, but there's also other stuff mixed in. We're not entirely sure what other stuff, since we haven't seen it yet, but we're sure it's going to be sweet. Incidentally, we saw Sarah at The Improv a few weeks ago...and she wasn't terribly great that night... Uuuuuh... But, in her defense, it was clear she wasn't drunk and/or stoned (which is rare), so we still lurve her anyway.

So, to those of you in L.A., New York or Chicago, get thee to a googolplex! To everyone who lives anywhere else (why would you do that?), um, enjoy Jumanji in Space: We Couldn't Get Robin Williams, but We Got Dax Shepard... Zathura.

*It's occurred to us that this would have been great for a "Things with More Appeal," but we're sure none of you noticed we decided to end that ritualistic masturbation, when it didn't appear on Wednesday. We even started to do a "Things with More Appeal.13" post that day which would simply have said "Never doing this again." But then, we decided to go see what was on the teevee.

10 November 2005

Joe Francis Rents Huge Penis to Prove Heterosexuality

Okay, it's not literally a giant penis. Rather, it's just a huge, engorged sea-penis, known formally as a "yacht." A bit of background, in case you're not up to speed on Joe Francis' latest woes.

Recent months have brought us murmurings of a sex tape stolen from Francis' home, featuring the Girls Gone Wild visionary and USC alumnus, himself. Until recently, all that was known about this mythical tape was that Joey Joe Joe was beyond desperate to keep it from getting leaked. This led to mucho speculation about what could be on the tape, but the LAPD is now in possession of a copy. We won't say much about what's on the tape, other than that it involves Joe Francis, a vibrator and the phrase "I'm from 'Boys Gone Wild,' and I like it up the ass." If you need more than that, go to Radar, sickee.

But, back to the matter at hand. Joe Francis (and supposedly some other rich asshole, although Asshole 2 denied the story outright) wants to rent The Lady in Blue, a famous yacht, over Xmas and New Year's. The going rate? Oh, just $400,000 or so. They're still working out the kinks, after all. What was most interesting to us is the following tidbit from the piece:

"They were very worried that it had enough space for all the girls and asked lots of questions as to how many they could stuff in each room. They are planning to throw the wildest New Year's party with girls imported from all over. [...] The Russians are high on the list, and Joe is getting the girls from L.A. and Miami."

Yeah, a grand gesture like renting a humongous yacht (by yourself, evidently), then having your publicist plant items in Page Six about how you're going to fill it beyond capacity with Russian prostitutes is a surefire way to cancel out any gay rumors. Joe Francis' problem isn't that he needs to convince people he's not gay, nor that he can't get anyone to corroborate his planted story in Page Six. No, his only struggle is that he can't find a yacht big enough to hold all the girls! girls! girls! for his wild party-- let alone a yacht big enough for his manly penis!

It's just like Michael Jackson with all this pedophile nonsense. Obviously, the only way to prove that you're not a pedophile is to keep hanging out with 13-year-old boys-- even sleeping with them if you have to, in order to prove your point! Hat's off to you, Joe. We were sort of on the fence before about whether you were straight or not, but now we're convinced! Uh, convinced you're straight, we mean.

Ricky Gervais and Larry David in Talks to Talk

Ricky Gervais, the man behind the better original version of The Office and the new HBO/BBC series Extras, is getting his own "chat" show over in foggy London town. The show is set to air on the same channel that first aired The Office, and he'll have the chance to interview some of his personal comedy heroes. A sampling of the guests lined up thus far for Ricky Gervais Meets... includes Larry David and Christopher Guest. Upon learning that these are typical examples of Gervais' heroes, we must say we now understand completely why we are such a huge fan of his.

Gervais' career gives us hope that hating your job with ferocious intensity may, in the end, not be all for naught. Yes, the dickhead boss you put up with from day to day may indeed become fodder for a something worthwhile-- a successful career in showbiz, even! All one needs is an entrepreneurial spirit. Well, that, and a bit of talent...


09 November 2005

Anderson Continues to Multitask as Cock/Cunt-tease

Anderson "The Silver Fox" Cooper muses on going gray at age 20 over on CNN. We're only putting it up because Anderson is such a handsome, handsome man. So handsome, in fact, that he deserves a refrain from our usual cruder synonyms for "handsome" ("hot as balls in Crisco" comes to mind), when discussing him.

But, there's also the fact that we were delighted to see that Andy made a crack about the minuteman phenomenon, as we did just a post ago, saying "Going gray is like ejaculation. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." Such a cogent simile! Oh, Coop-- it's funny because it's true. Of course, with the former, it's not very surprising after the third or fourth time. Next thing you know, it's not even "premature ejaculation" so much as it's "your relationship." But, like we said, that's called lurve.

Yeah, but We Still Think the Razr Is Way Overrated

Motorola's perseverance in trying to get us all to ignore the fact that they make shite phones is actually somewhat admirable. It's admirable in the same way it's admirable when your boyfriend finishes in less than a minute, shrugs and smiles apologetically, takes a couple of minutes to regroup, then rolls over and gives you an even less satisfying second round-- sure, he's not trying very hard (no pun intended), but he wants to create the illusion that he is. And that's love, dearies. On that note, here we are with another somewhat flaccid release from our friends over at Motorola.

We've exhausted any discussion of how much the Rokr ultimately sucked, and nobody cares any more. (Besides, Nokia totally gave Motorola a Tony Danza a few weeks later, by releasing a far superior music phone.) But, wait! Motorola has created an iTunes version of the Razr, called the Razr V3i. Still don't care? Well, you can get it in pink! Or, if you're pretending to be a straight male when you're at work, they have it in blue, as well. Hm. Still nothing? Well then you'd better just go jerk off in the bathroom, cuz we're done. We're goin' to bed.

Are We Meant to Think The Weather Channel Is Cool, Now?

Lewis Black, perhaps known best for his weekly "Back in Black" segment on The Daily Show, is set to up his weekly quota of television appearances from two minutes to twelve. On, um, The Weather Channel. The article we're linking to is trying to paint this as a logical next step for Black; however, the article's writer also describes Lewis' career as "tornadic," so in the interest of sparing you more lame puns and worse writing than what you'd see here at LTNA (what, with the run-on sentences and overuse of parentheticals), we advise that you don't even bother clicking through.

The point is, Lewis Black'll be getting jiggy (why did we go with that reference?) on The Weather Channel's five day forecasts and storm warnings n' such. He's already taped six or so segments, including one tirade on global warming, set to air on Evening Edition with Dave Schwartz. We predict hijinks Monday through Friday with a 50% chance of hilarity!

Oh, come on. You know us far too well by now to have thought we'd let you go without at least one obnoxious weather joke, despite talking shit about the "professional writer" a minute ago. At least when we do it, it's cute!

08 November 2005

Ummm...You Might Want to Get That Checked Out...

Well, let's all give a hand to the clap, which is down to a record low, since they first started tracking the shit. Syphilis and chlamydia, however, are on the rise. They're attributing the increases largely to more people's participation in "high-risk sexual behavior," like gay sex, or the more politically correct term, "sex up-the-butt."

Since this the only example given, we're not sure what else they they could mean by "high-risk" sex. Would sex on a trapeze count? Or that bareback gangbang we organized and catered saw that one time? Well, actually that was also on a trapeze, come to think of it... Geez. We have a lot of painfully awkward phone calls to place. See you at the clinic!

Yahoo Finally Does Something Worthwhile

Yahoo and TiVo have been giving each other handies under the table while none of us were looking (okay, okay, we were looking, but you can't deny that that shit is H-O-T!), and have forged a deal that will create new possibilities in the realm of awesome. See, many of us have been wondering for ages why there wasn't some way to program your TiVo to record programs through magic of the internet. Well, with this new partnership, you'll finally be able to. Also, users will be able to view photos and such, that have been stored on Yahoo, plus do a bunch of other stuff we can't be bothered to think of. Sorry, but we're just way too stoked to think we won't have to wait until we get home to tell precious little TiVo to tape a Red Shoe Diaries marathon, ever again.

We're kidding, of course! As if we'd ever watch Showtime.

07 November 2005

You're Gonna Be Big, Kid! You're Gonna Go Far!

You may be wondering why a casting notice is being posted on a blog dedicated to fluff news items, gossip and general mediocrity. The only hint that we'll give you is that our reason rhymes with the words "conflict of interests."

Anydoodle, here's the casting call for a sketch comedy show in pre-production, called Second Generation Sidekicks, being produced by ArsenalHD, the same folks who brought you Brett Siddell's DVD special. They're looking for people who don't suck, so if that's you or someone you know, get involved!

ArsenalHD Productions is casting Second Generation Sidekicks, an HDV sketch comedy series to be released on the web and DVD. Rehearsals start early December, shoot starts January 2006.

Seeking sketch players, ages 20-39. Confident, versatile, great comedic personality, strong wit, improv naturals only. Stand-up, sketch, and stage comedy experience a plus. Must be able to play multiple characters and adapt to changing set environments. Producer especially seeking ethnically diverse [ed. note: i.e., they need at least one black guy] and unique talent.

Auditions will be held Nov. 19, by appointment only. To schedule an audition appointment, send reels by Nov. 17 to:

ArsenalHD Productions
PO Box 3758,
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

or email headshot and resumes to casting@arsenalhd.com.

Tom Cruise Does First Non-Crazy Thing Since '04

In a shocking moment of apparent sanity, Tom Cruise has fired his publisister Lee Anne DeVette, and has hired, well, an actual publicist. Paul Bloch, co-chairman of Rogers and Cowan is a "veteran" PR guy now saddled with the formidable task of making us forget that Tom Cruise is completely batshit-- something Pat Kingsley did extremely well for years, only to have Lee Anne muck it up with unfortunate efficiency.

Of course, Tom's statement is all about spinning this not as a "firing," but as giving Lee Anne more time to focus on overseeing his charity work, handing out refurbished e-meters to the poor, the disenfranchised and all that sort of thing. Yes, we're sure everything is totally hunky dory over at Compound Cruise, and with the help of Mr. Bloch, he'll be back in our good graces before you can say "heterosexual." Let's just hope that Paul isn't cast under Tom's spell like "Kate," only to throw all common sense to the wind (Tom is an amazing, amazing man, after all), and make the career-ruining decision to let Cruise, you know, "just be himself."

04 November 2005

Watchertitties & Twitch

Abercrombie & Fitch's latest controversy isn't about "seeming kinda gay." (For the record, there's no "seeming kinda" about it.) Rather, they have a new line of women's t-shirts with phrases that call attention to their tig ol' bitties, including "Who needs brains when you have these?" "I had a nightmare I was a brunette," and "Available for parties."

Some prude high school chicks are staging a boycott of A&F in reaction to the shirts, since they have absolutely no sense of humor and feel the shirts degrade women. To give their cause the utmost credibility, they're calling it a "girlcott." We find the pun delightful, and it doesn't make us want to shake the shit out of those bitches at all.

Now, we don't ever shop at Fitch because every time we try to go in that store it makes our skin burn. You could even say that we've been staging a life-long "girlcott" (you have no idea how hard it is to get our fingers to type those letters each time), against dressing like a sorostitute clone, and therefore refuse to shop there. However, considering these t-shirts are made for, marketed toward and ultimately purchased by women, we fail to see how they are anything more than mildly amusing to the idiots shopping at that store in the first place. And, next time these chicks decide to stage a protest meant to empower women, we hope they're smart enough to avoid terming themselves something as diminutive as "girls." How about an "uptight-vapid-tramp-cott," instead? Kinda has a ring to it.


We'd be surprised if the nerdier pervs out there haven't figured out a way to do this already, but Guba, a subscription search engine, is working on converting porn into the format used on the new video iPods. Guba indexes 300,000 files a day, formatting them as streaming video or for download.

"'Guba.com has built a strong and profitable business over the last seven years by providing our subscribers with the best in rich media search," said Thomas McInerney, the company's chief executive. [...] 'We can kid ourselves, but in the end it's probably porn that people want.'"

At least this guy is keeping it real. Once there's a database of iPod porn available, you can bet the various Metropolitan Transit Authorities will have to consider amending their bus and train rules beyond the minimalist "No eating, No drinking, No spitting." Here are a few suggested additions, on the house:

-Do not teabag the bus operator, unless absolutely necessary

-No recreations of German shizer movie scenes, under penalty of $250 fine

-You must give up these seats if a wheelchair passenger needs to "stretch out"

-No splooge on the upholstery, under penalty of $200 fine

If you've never taken public transportation, you may be wondering why the fine for blasting baby batter all over the bus or train is less than the one for shitting on the floor (or on Crackhead Rhonda, as the case may be). The answer is, simply, that on any given day, even without the aid of iPorn, most seats on the bus or train have already had a good coat or two of a giz/peepee shellac, so it's well within the scope of what the MTA will let slide. On the other hand, taking a shit on the F train is significantly less common-- once or twice a month, tops, and deserves a more severe punishment.

03 November 2005

The Simpsons Continues to Rely on Esoteric Celebrities' Cameos to Carry Poorly Written Scripts

Tom Wolfe took a quick break from his electric Kool-Aid acid testing to record some voice work for an upcoming appearance on The Simpsons. Wolfe says The Simpsons is the only show he watches, adding "I feel like I finally made it."

Despite The Simpsons' shittiness of the past, oh, six or so seasons*, we have to agree doing a voice for it is up there with our life aspirations, right along with being the person to say "Live from New York it's Saturday Night!" just once (even though SNL is currently in a suck phase, as well). Curse the necessity of securing "cultural relevance" and not being "universally hated" before being awarded such opportunities!

*We will go to the mat with anyone who tries to argue that The Simpsons is "as good as it's ever been." If you think that, then you're out of your element and you're a fucking idiot. Talk to us after you've watched seasons 3-8 again.

Is It News When an Old Man Passes out on a Toilet?

This old dude is suing Home Depot because he was glued to one of their toilet seats. Evidently, some wild hooligan (okay, it was us) smeared the seat with glue, and this guy became the mark. The store management thought the guy was kidding when he was yelling for help, so they just left him there for a while. After fifteen or so minutes, they finally realized he was being serious, and had to wheel him out still attached to the seat. To make matters even more embarrassing, the guy passed out when they were wheeling him out of the store.

It's kind of weird to think that you can sue someone because you're mad that you were made to look like a complete douche in public. If he wins this, does that mean we can sue British Knights for our childhood?

02 November 2005

Things with More Appeal.13

Since we already mentioned Christian Slater once today, we figured we'd continue in our spirit of lacking spirit with this week's installment of Things with More Appeal, and center it around him for a second post. You know, kind of like last week's half-assed installment. In any case, it's nearly quitting time, and we're overcome with the general malaise that comes with realizing we still have to come to work two more days before the sweet, sweet weekend arrives. Fucking fascists.

Anywho, this week's Thing is the movie Pump Up the Volume, starring Christian Slater. It's awesome. Go see it. That is all.

P.S. We promise we'll return with renewed vigor for next week.

P.P.S. And if not, we'll at least fake it.

No, Seriously, Y'all Ain't Ready

Thank Jah for internet leaks. Otherwise the masochistic, like us, would have to wait months before being able to hear a sample of the "music" off of K-Fed's upcoming album (working title, "Unlistenable").

The song is titled, aptly, "Y'all Ain't Ready." Enjoy!

[Source: Stereogum via A Socialite's Life]

Christian Slater a Drunk Asshole for Halloween

It seems that Christian Slater was "that guy" at Paris Hilton's Halloween party in WeHo this weekend. He got totally shit-faced, as he often does, and fell off the roof into a pile of bushes. The only thing hurt was his ego, in case any of you were worried.

Unfortunately, the real story is much less funny than the original one put out by Page Six, which said police were there responding to a noise complaint, and tasered him after he refused to get off the roof. No, what really happened was Slater (Christian, not A.C.) fell off the roof when he was peering over to investigate some neighbors below who were complaining about the party noise. What a douche, eh?

We won't bother with one of our scathing and defamatory diatribes here, because, at this point, making fun of Christian Slater is like making fun of a sloshed, coked-up, retarded ferret that was pretty famous in the 80s, but only gets work doing voiceovers for Panasonic commercials now. No, that would be like kicking the ferret when he's down, and we're just better than that.

50 Cent Says Some Stupid Shit (Again)

Rapper slash "metaphor for change" 50 Cent (pictured) seems to be trying to start a feud with the significantly more talented Kanye West. For one, he made a recent statement wherein he attributed all of Kanye's success to himself:

"After 50 Cent, [hip-hop fans were] looking for something non-confrontational, and they went after first thing that came along. That was Kanye West, and his record took off."

Well, if you ask LTNA (Fiddy makes the third person sound so cool!), what hip-hop fans were really looking for after 50 Cent was something that didn't fucking suck. However, no one asked. But, as long as we're on the subject of unsolicited opinions, Fifty has also dissed Kanye on his infamous statements regarding the President's handling of things in post-Katrina New Orleans:

"I think people responded to it the best way they can. [...] What Kanye West was saying, I don't know where that came from. The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God."

Funny. "Act of God" is a phrase we use to explain the eternally confounding disaster that is Fifty Cent's successful career. What a co-winky-dink!