31 May 2006

Aniston Brilliant Satirist, Not Horribly Tacky Bitch

At a recent press junket where she was promoting The Break Up, Jennifer Aniston had reporters breaking up-- in laughs, that is! When asked if she was interested in "global issues," she answered, "No. I'm not interested in any of that." Naturally, the crowd erupted over Aniston's truly amazing, off-the-cuff sarcastic reply.

She added, "I just like to focus on me and my tabloid career." This obvious dig on the Namibia-loving new parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is, of course, in perfectly good taste-- especially since they just donated $300K to sick kids in Africa (or something), on top of all the other do-gooder shit they've been up to. Jen, on the other hand, went on Letterman, okay? So, put that in your orange and white UNICEF donation cardboard box and smoke it. Any douchebag can, like, you know, be against diphtheria or whatever, but Jennifer Aniston is in a movie, okay? And it's a romantic comedy. That shit takes talent, the likes of which we haven't seen since the glory days of Meg Ryan. Yep, Brad and Angelina certainly look like idiots now.

When one reporter followed up with "That's great, Ms. Aniston. But, no, seriously, what are you interested in? I mean, Angelina Jolie may be a crazy, heartless, homewrecking, walking id, but she distracts us from that by being hot and teaching AIDS orphans how to read. Or whatever. What exactly are your interests, aside from trying to make people feel sorry for you? Oh, and I guess also being frigid and bitter?"

Aniston faltered only for a moment before delivering her final zinger: "I have a lot of other interests. But, I don't need to tell you all my interests, but there's a lot."

NAILED IT! You go, Jen!

30 May 2006

If You Thought "Reggaeton" Was the Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Reggae...

What could be more irritating than Paris Hilton's chronic infestation of crabs (pictured)? Listening to Paris Hilton's "music," which she has been threatening to release for over a year. "When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most," says Paris. One would assume she's talking about competing in dick-sucking contests in that quotation. And, one would be right. However, in this instance, she's actually talking about her life-long love of singing.

[Heavy sigh. Massaging of temples. Exhale.]

Okay. Moving on.

It seems the first single is due out next month, and she's happy to say she'll be bastardizing music from a range of genres, "not just, like, you know, pop and stuff." Her first single, "Stars Are Blind," has a heavy reggae influence. No. Seriously.

Quoth Paris:
"I like all music. It's not like I only like pop or only rock. I want to have something for everybody." Up to this point, DP gangbangs and herpes have been her means of having "something for everybody," but I suppose even Paris gets tired of Eiffel Towers. Get ready to envy the deaf in Summer '06.

25 May 2006

Bob Dylan Is a Woman from Australia

I've heard of stunt casting, but Jeeeebus. This is a new one.

Word is, Cate Blanchett is going to play Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic. She and four other actors will portray Dylan in the flick, including Christian Bale and... um... Richard Gere. Each actor will be Bob in a different guise at a different point in his life. Evidently, Dylan went through a shoving-gerbils-up-my-ass phase, at some point.*

The other two slots of the five Dylans are still open. I recommend Adam Sandler to fill one of them. (What's that you say? That Bob Dylan impression he always did on SNL was supposed to be funny, not historically accurate? Bah!)

Bizarrely, Blanchett is the one who most resembles Dylan out of the list, thus far. Cate is portraying Dylan in the movie in scenes from before his motorcycle accident in 1966. You know, when he still looked like a woman, according to scholars. Could this be director Todd Haynes' not-so-subtle way of saying Dylan's accident "cured him from looking like a fucking trick-ass bitch"? The answer is, obviously, "yes."

Perhaps Hillary Swank will be kind enough to lend Cate her stunt cock from Boys Don't Cry so Cate can really get into character. There's nothing sexier than an androgynous woman with a gigantic stunt cock.

Unless it's a gigantic black stunt cock.

*Did you really think I could get through a post that mentions Richard Gere without making a gerbil comment? I think we all know I'm way too hackneyed and childish of an absentee blogger for that sort of sophistication.

24 May 2006

Personally, I'd Go with "Toby"

It's not enough that "Brangelina" (I cringe every time I type that. Every. Fucking. Time.) are continuing this whole "we are the philandering world" tour to prove that they're better than us by living in Africa while also being impossibly hot. No, just to take it one step farther, those two have asked the Namibian Governor Samuel ("Samuel"? The fucking governor of fucking Namibia is named "Samuel"?) Nuuyoma (ah, there it is) to pick a name for their unborn kid. No, seriously:

"'When she goes to the hospital, as the father of the region, I will be informed and I will go there,' he said to Britain's Daily Mirror.

'I will announce the good news and I will be naming the baby.'"

So there you have it, kids. [Tounge-click Tongue-click] Jolie-Pitt is set to make his debut sooner than... well, sooner than you can make three whole tongue-clicks. Those Namibian AIDS orphans are gonna be sooooo jealous that [Tongue-click Tongue-click] was named by the Governor. But, at least the jealousy will distract them from the huge bummer of being an AIDS orphan, momentarily. And for that reason alone, I have to confess: Yes, I do believe in angels!