26 July 2006

1 Down, 4 to Go

I wonder if the gayness of being in 'N Sync, paired with Lance Bass' actual factual gayness cancel each other out to make him the most heterosexual man alive.


No. No, definitely not. That picture of him up there makes it pretty clear he's the gayest thing since gay sex. I must say I can't contain my delight over People's unabashed lack of eloquence in their choice of lede, though. Hilarious.

25 July 2006

Puppy Perverts Gone Wild!

Some pervert was caught on tape shoving a puppy down his pants in an effort to screw steal the pooch. The dog was worth over a grand, so at least we know this guy has expensive tastes when it comes to his sexual deviance/attempts at theft.

The tape is mildly amusing to watch, you know, if you're into that kind of thing. Sickee.

But, the thing that weirds me out about the clip is how the pet shop owner keeps referring to the pilfered pup (look ma, I'm Gene Shallot now!), as "the baby" and "our baby." I mean, yes, okay fine. Puppies are, indeed, "baby dogs," so to speak. Still though, for the purposes of comedy, I remain a huge fan of wholly unfounded and unwarranted accusations against strangers.

So, I conclude that the shop owner guy is just creepy enough to make me fairly certain he's shoving a few "babies" down his own pants. Prove me wrong, children. Prove. Me. Wrong.

21 July 2006

Holy Spit Lube, Batman!*

Word on the street is that Heath Ledger is poised to make Christian Bale his bottom bitch in the sequel to Batman Begins. Indeed, he may be taking over the role of the Joker-- a formidable task after Jack Nicholson's unforgettable performance in Tim Burton's Batman.

According to the /film website, "Other actors which has been [sic] rumored to be in contention for the role include: Jude Law, Josh Lucas, Crispin Glover, Jake Gyllenhaal, Paul Bettany, Steve Carell, Robin Williams and Lachy Hulme." The thing about this list is just that these alternatives to Ledger make him seem like the obvious top choice. I mean, who the fuck is Lachy Hulme?

On the other hand, I will say Crispin Glover is a close second, since he's a Nazi-obsessed creep, as it is. Letting him prance about as a costumed murderer seems like a logical progression.

But, Steve Carell?! I like Steve Carell just fine, but "Steve Carell as The Joker" just seems plain wrong. If I saw that on a bus ad, I would swear I was being "Juiced."

Then, we have Robin fucking Williams. Now, I'll admit I seriously hate Robin Williams, so I am biased. However, regardless of where you stand on Robin Williams, I don't think anyone needs to see the Joker fall victim to Williams' total lack of range and go from vicious supervillain to gay preacher. Or whatever the fuck that character he always does is supposed to be.

Heath isn't an obvious choice by any stretch of the imagination, but even I'll admit his performance in Brokeback was totally gay (and I say that in a good way, not in a Robin Williams way). Therefore, if anyone from that list is fit to run around in a purple suit with an ascot and lipstick-- while remaining somehow menacing-- it's probably Heath Ledger.

Look out, Christian Bale: You're about to get fucked!

*I know I've made a "Holy [insert gay joke], Batman!" lede before. But, I couldn't resist a second opportunity. We all know I'm a one trick pony. Okay, maybe two. I do love my race jokes!

20 July 2006

Britney Spears Is a Fan of Shere Khan's Work

[Ed. note: I'm sure every other blog has already mentioned this today, but there really is fuckall to talk about these days. I couldn't think of that many funny things to say about Nicole Richie fainting, but "Britney Spears is stupid and fat" jokes are always in abundant supply, so either bear with me or just go somewhere else to read a good blog. Onward!]

Britney Spears continues to post asinine entries on her website, much to the schadenfreude delight of the non-retarded community. Her latest musing regards her apparent fascination with tigers.

Uh huh. Tigers. Foolish me. I thought "beach jewelry" was the topper for the week. I guess when it comes to the "Love B" section of her website, Britney spares not the tiger.

She says, "They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them." I'm not really sure that the phrase "sense of mysteriousness" is cogent to anyone with an IQ higher than "thiiiiis many" (now, picture Britney Spears holding up her hands with palms out and fingers spread widely), but at least BS can enjoy her new turn of phrase.

She goes on about tigers, adding "
A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger." Um, okay sure. I'll do so, Britney.

I'm not sure what prompted this seemingly arbitrary missive about tigers. Maybe it's just that she finally learned the word "tiger" after years of calling them "those big Garfield-kinda kitties, but in, like, foreign countries, like um, Africa."

In conclusion, Britney Spears is stupid and fat.

19 July 2006

Janet Jackson Makes Awesome Decisions

Janet Jackson is holding a contest to let her fans design and then decide what the cover of her new album, 20 Years Old will look like. You can submit and vote on submissions here.

I've spent an embarrassingly large amount of my day going through the various submissions, and I have to tell you guys I simply cannot get over how great they all are. I mean, 70% of the designs are solid gold! I've posted a few of my personal faves out of the first 300 or so I've seen below.

Like this first one. It's especially great if the statement JJ wants her album cover's photo to make is "vaguely familiar-looking lesbian who might be that that chick we saw at Part-time Punks last week."

On the other hand, this one is a clear frontrunner in it's own right, considering the recent reports that Janet is thinking of changing the album title from 20 Years Old to What the Fuck Is That Shit Supposed to Be?

This next one is great for our friends over in the Land of the Rising Sun. Those two "X"s (or are they infinity symbols?) scribbled childishly in the lower right corner must be Roman numerals for "awesome." Ah so!

I'll be shocked-- shocked I say-- if Janet doesn't take this on! (Get it?) It just screams "not amateur!"

Then again, if the motif Janet's really looking for is "website from 1990," she'd be a fool to pass on a gem like this.

Or this!

But as I looked through more submissions, the clear winner emerged:

This one is simply like no album cover ever released before. I can't wait to see it plastered across billboards on Sunset when the album drops in September. Hooray for prostituting spec designers!

18 July 2006

Oprah Likes a Full Bush

"Oprah Winfrey Says She Is Not Gay" has to be one of the funniest headlines ever.

I mean, despite the picture at left, where she looks like a textbook BD, I've never really thought Oprah was gay before. You know, sort of like how I never really thought Satan was gay (at least, not until
South Park suggested it). It just never crossed my mind that she would take her attentions away from world domination to think about poontang.

It's also amusing to me that she has to do the whole "I don't lick carpet-- not that there's anything wrong with that" tour, simply because she seems to be abnormally close to her BFF, Gayle King. But, I guess none of us can ignore the hard evidence: You can't spell "Gayle" without G-A-Y.


14 July 2006

Brit-Fed Only Want to Look Like They're on Welfare

Even though Britney Spears got pregnant almost immediately after birthing her first fucktard, she doesn't want you to think that she won't be making a glorious comeback after she shits out her second. She and K-Fed fully intend to have their music careers reach the impossible heights of their talents.

Indeed, Britney says "After this baby, I'm going to get intense with it." I'm not sure what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like a threat. Regardless, I'm pretty sure she's setting herself up for some serious fucking disappointment.

K-Fed, on the other hand, seems to be continuing to prove he is a mastermind of living off the rich without deserving it, amassing a whopping $700 Gs in the last four months, supposedly.

"[K-Fed 'earns'] an estimated $250,000 for endorsing clothing line Blue Marlin and $25,000 per day to hawk such products as Virgin Mobile cell phones, where he made his infamous plea to save the penny. He'’s negotiating to sign a deal with Jive Records, which happens to be Spears'’ label, for $300,000 per album, and he also hopes to bring out his own line of jeans and beach jewelry."

Yes. "Beach jewelry."

Of course, considering that Britney Spears is seemingly incapable of remembering to take a birth control pill every day (or "I-don't-want-no-babies-no-more pills," as she calls them), I'm going to start taking bets that she'll be knocked up, yet again, by 2008. Too bad for Britney they don't make Ortho-Tricyclen in Flintstone's chewables.

12 July 2006

Michael Douglas Is the New R. Kelly

During a recent day at the beach, Michael Douglas was stung on his back by a jellyfish, and had his son piss on his back. Quoth Douglas, "I don't know if it helped at all, but my son was happy."

I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be happy, once offered the opportunity to piss on Michael Douglas. But, I guess this is one pleasure bestowed upon blood relatives, only.

More to the point, I think we all know having his son piss on his back had nothing to do with this supposed "jellyfish," but, rather, is one manifestation of Michael "Golden Shower" Douglas' many perversions. Sure, I've heard of the whole "pee pee cures jellyfish stings" helouise approach to the problem, but look at Michael Douglas up there. Dirty old man. I can only imagine what his "cure" is for a dog bite, or a stab wound. That's right: doo doo butter.

11 July 2006

Pretending to Be a Video Blogger Is Way Too Easy

Yeah, I'm so gonna slack on you a third post in a row and put up video. But, this is the best video post, yet. It's pretty much the best part of the first installment of Chappelle's Show: The Lost Episodes, which started airing Sunday. I've already watched this particular sketch a bunch of times, but just in case you missed it, here it is.

Gawd, this is so much easier than, like,
real blogging. Learning to embed is the best thing that ever happened to me, and the worst thing that ever happened to those who come to LTNA for the writing. Fortunately, there aren't any of you who come here for my pathetic attempts at wit, so everybody wins!

10 July 2006

On the Other Hand...

This may be the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Germans Love This Douche Bag?

All I can say about this is that this is pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen.