29 August 2006

Kevin Federline Is a Great Actor

Kevin Federline is going to be on CSI. Surely, this sort of stunt casting will help the series gain some of the precious street cred they've been lacking, as producers have ignored my letters suggesting a fourth spin-off series, CSI:Jersey-- not to mention my other letters suggesting they add a second black guy. (Perhaps I should stop writing my letters in crayon.)

In any event, throwing Federlizzle into the CSI mix is a lot like adding a second black guy anyway, so maybe they took my advice, after all.

"
According to reports, Federline will play an arrogant teenager who harasses investigators Nick Stokes (George Eads) and Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan) while they are working on a case."

I'm sure playing "arrogant" will prove a challenge worthy of K-Fed's delicate acting abilities. After all, he certainly proved his acting chops at the Teen Choice Awards last week, when I was totally convinced he was a successful black rap star. I mean, I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but I was rubbing my eyes in disbelief over the apparent lack of melanin in my caucasian brethren's epidermis.

It's just a good thing he doesn't look a day over 16, instead of like a functionally retarded sexually potent wigger pushing 30. Yep, it's a good thing indeed.

25 August 2006

Happy Birthday, Buck Futter

Sean Connery turns 76 today. He doesn't look a day over 72, if you ask me.

That's nearly eight decades of poontang "tore the fuck up," as he would say undoubtedly. Or, maybe I'm thinking of Bill Bellamy...

Anyway, I'm going to spend my down time today (as if I have any), working on a mash-up of
Timbaland's Nelly Furtado's hit song "Promiscuous Girl" paired with 50 Cent's "In Da Club," to make an entirely new hit song called "Promiscuous Septuagenarian Gentleman Partyin' Like It's Yo Birfday." It's going to be the song of Autumn 2006. Just watch.

21 August 2006

Today's Lack of Images Courtesy of Blogger

It's a strange day indeed when I'm left trying to decide between talking shit about K-Fed's performance on the Teen Choice Awards last night, vs. talking about Osama bin Laden's alleged obsession with Whitney Houston (not to mention his apparent enthusiasm for MacGyver).

With regard to the former, it feels like the K-Fed posts write themselves all too often. Where's the challenge?

Then again, since when do I go for anything "challenging"? And considering that even a loser like Paula Abdul "feels sorry" for Britney Spears because K-Fed's performance was that bad, I couldn't help but jump on the bandwagon with my blogging comrades and reaffirm that Federline's performance met all of my hopes of being impossibly shitty-- shittier even than the video quality of it here on You Tube. Just try to get past that smug fucker Dane "I Was Funny Four Years Ago" Cook at the beginning of the clip to Britney waddling out to introduce her greasier half. I promise you, you will be disappointed.

As far as the whole Whitney Houston/bin Laden angle, well... it just seems too random to be made up. I really don't even know what to say about it, except I'm looking forward to Kola Boof's thoughts on the elusive Suri Cruise, as well as the Kate Hudson/Owen Wilson "Are they or aren't they?" debate du jour. Maybe we'll really strike gold when Kola writes a book about bin Laden's obsession with Kevin Federline-- no, not because of his music, but because of his beauty.

08 August 2006

Snakes on a Soundtrack


If you haven't heard Cobra Starship's theme song for SoaP, then you're missing out. Plus, just hearing about now it is so two weeks ago. Three, even. Loser.

The hot shit du jour is Cee-lo's song for SoaP, which you can listen to here. Just when you think this movie's mania cannot get any more ridiculous, it does. Ah well. I just ride the wave-- or snake, as it were. "Snakes on a plane," as they say, snakes on a plane.

Thanks to Best Week Ever for the link.

03 August 2006

To Tide You Over...

Until I have time to write a real post again, my lovelies, enjoy!

26 July 2006

1 Down, 4 to Go


I wonder if the gayness of being in 'N Sync, paired with Lance Bass' actual factual gayness cancel each other out to make him the most heterosexual man alive.

Hmmm...

No. No, definitely not. That picture of him up there makes it pretty clear he's the gayest thing since gay sex. I must say I can't contain my delight over People's unabashed lack of eloquence in their choice of lede, though. Hilarious.

25 July 2006

Puppy Perverts Gone Wild!


Some pervert was caught on tape shoving a puppy down his pants in an effort to screw steal the pooch. The dog was worth over a grand, so at least we know this guy has expensive tastes when it comes to his sexual deviance/attempts at theft.

The tape is mildly amusing to watch, you know, if you're into that kind of thing. Sickee.

But, the thing that weirds me out about the clip is how the pet shop owner keeps referring to the pilfered pup (look ma, I'm Gene Shallot now!), as "the baby" and "our baby." I mean, yes, okay fine. Puppies are, indeed, "baby dogs," so to speak. Still though, for the purposes of comedy, I remain a huge fan of wholly unfounded and unwarranted accusations against strangers.

So, I conclude that the shop owner guy is just creepy enough to make me fairly certain he's shoving a few "babies" down his own pants. Prove me wrong, children. Prove. Me. Wrong.

21 July 2006

Holy Spit Lube, Batman!*


Word on the street is that Heath Ledger is poised to make Christian Bale his bottom bitch in the sequel to Batman Begins. Indeed, he may be taking over the role of the Joker-- a formidable task after Jack Nicholson's unforgettable performance in Tim Burton's Batman.

According to the /film website, "Other actors which has been [sic] rumored to be in contention for the role include: Jude Law, Josh Lucas, Crispin Glover, Jake Gyllenhaal, Paul Bettany, Steve Carell, Robin Williams and Lachy Hulme." The thing about this list is just that these alternatives to Ledger make him seem like the obvious top choice. I mean, who the fuck is Lachy Hulme?

On the other hand, I will say Crispin Glover is a close second, since he's a Nazi-obsessed creep, as it is. Letting him prance about as a costumed murderer seems like a logical progression.

But, Steve Carell?! I like Steve Carell just fine, but "Steve Carell as The Joker" just seems plain wrong. If I saw that on a bus ad, I would swear I was being "Juiced."

Then, we have Robin fucking Williams. Now, I'll admit I seriously hate Robin Williams, so I am biased. However, regardless of where you stand on Robin Williams, I don't think anyone needs to see the Joker fall victim to Williams' total lack of range and go from vicious supervillain to gay preacher. Or whatever the fuck that character he always does is supposed to be.

Heath isn't an obvious choice by any stretch of the imagination, but even I'll admit his performance in Brokeback was totally gay (and I say that in a good way, not in a Robin Williams way). Therefore, if anyone from that list is fit to run around in a purple suit with an ascot and lipstick-- while remaining somehow menacing-- it's probably Heath Ledger.

Look out, Christian Bale: You're about to get fucked!

*I know I've made a "Holy [insert gay joke], Batman!" lede before. But, I couldn't resist a second opportunity. We all know I'm a one trick pony. Okay, maybe two. I do love my race jokes!

20 July 2006

Britney Spears Is a Fan of Shere Khan's Work


[Ed. note: I'm sure every other blog has already mentioned this today, but there really is fuckall to talk about these days. I couldn't think of that many funny things to say about Nicole Richie fainting, but "Britney Spears is stupid and fat" jokes are always in abundant supply, so either bear with me or just go somewhere else to read a good blog. Onward!]

Britney Spears continues to post asinine entries on her website, much to the schadenfreude delight of the non-retarded community. Her latest musing regards her apparent fascination with tigers.

Uh huh. Tigers. Foolish me. I thought "beach jewelry" was the topper for the week. I guess when it comes to the "Love B" section of her website, Britney spares not the tiger.

She says, "They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them." I'm not really sure that the phrase "sense of mysteriousness" is cogent to anyone with an IQ higher than "thiiiiis many" (now, picture Britney Spears holding up her hands with palms out and fingers spread widely), but at least BS can enjoy her new turn of phrase.

She goes on about tigers, adding "
A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger." Um, okay sure. I'll do so, Britney.

I'm not sure what prompted this seemingly arbitrary missive about tigers. Maybe it's just that she finally learned the word "tiger" after years of calling them "those big Garfield-kinda kitties, but in, like, foreign countries, like um, Africa."

In conclusion, Britney Spears is stupid and fat.

19 July 2006

Janet Jackson Makes Awesome Decisions

Janet Jackson is holding a contest to let her fans design and then decide what the cover of her new album, 20 Years Old will look like. You can submit and vote on submissions here.

I've spent an embarrassingly large amount of my day going through the various submissions, and I have to tell you guys I simply cannot get over how great they all are. I mean, 70% of the designs are solid gold! I've posted a few of my personal faves out of the first 300 or so I've seen below.

Like this first one. It's especially great if the statement JJ wants her album cover's photo to make is "vaguely familiar-looking lesbian who might be that that chick we saw at Part-time Punks last week."


On the other hand, this one is a clear frontrunner in it's own right, considering the recent reports that Janet is thinking of changing the album title from 20 Years Old to What the Fuck Is That Shit Supposed to Be?


This next one is great for our friends over in the Land of the Rising Sun. Those two "X"s (or are they infinity symbols?) scribbled childishly in the lower right corner must be Roman numerals for "awesome." Ah so!


I'll be shocked-- shocked I say-- if Janet doesn't take this on! (Get it?) It just screams "not amateur!"


Then again, if the motif Janet's really looking for is "website from 1990," she'd be a fool to pass on a gem like this.


Or this!


But as I looked through more submissions, the clear winner emerged:


This one is simply like no album cover ever released before. I can't wait to see it plastered across billboards on Sunset when the album drops in September. Hooray for prostituting spec designers!

18 July 2006

Oprah Likes a Full Bush


"Oprah Winfrey Says She Is Not Gay" has to be one of the funniest headlines ever.

I mean, despite the picture at left, where she looks like a textbook BD, I've never really thought Oprah was gay before. You know, sort of like how I never really thought Satan was gay (at least, not until
South Park suggested it). It just never crossed my mind that she would take her attentions away from world domination to think about poontang.

It's also amusing to me that she has to do the whole "I don't lick carpet-- not that there's anything wrong with that" tour, simply because she seems to be abnormally close to her BFF, Gayle King. But, I guess none of us can ignore the hard evidence: You can't spell "Gayle" without G-A-Y.

Developing...

14 July 2006

Brit-Fed Only Want to Look Like They're on Welfare


Even though Britney Spears got pregnant almost immediately after birthing her first fucktard, she doesn't want you to think that she won't be making a glorious comeback after she shits out her second. She and K-Fed fully intend to have their music careers reach the impossible heights of their talents.

Indeed, Britney says "After this baby, I'm going to get intense with it." I'm not sure what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like a threat. Regardless, I'm pretty sure she's setting herself up for some serious fucking disappointment.

K-Fed, on the other hand, seems to be continuing to prove he is a mastermind of living off the rich without deserving it, amassing a whopping $700 Gs in the last four months, supposedly.

"[K-Fed 'earns'] an estimated $250,000 for endorsing clothing line Blue Marlin and $25,000 per day to hawk such products as Virgin Mobile cell phones, where he made his infamous plea to save the penny. He'’s negotiating to sign a deal with Jive Records, which happens to be Spears'’ label, for $300,000 per album, and he also hopes to bring out his own line of jeans and beach jewelry."

Yes. "Beach jewelry."

Of course, considering that Britney Spears is seemingly incapable of remembering to take a birth control pill every day (or "I-don't-want-no-babies-no-more pills," as she calls them), I'm going to start taking bets that she'll be knocked up, yet again, by 2008. Too bad for Britney they don't make Ortho-Tricyclen in Flintstone's chewables.

12 July 2006

Michael Douglas Is the New R. Kelly


During a recent day at the beach, Michael Douglas was stung on his back by a jellyfish, and had his son piss on his back. Quoth Douglas, "I don't know if it helped at all, but my son was happy."

I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be happy, once offered the opportunity to piss on Michael Douglas. But, I guess this is one pleasure bestowed upon blood relatives, only.

More to the point, I think we all know having his son piss on his back had nothing to do with this supposed "jellyfish," but, rather, is one manifestation of Michael "Golden Shower" Douglas' many perversions. Sure, I've heard of the whole "pee pee cures jellyfish stings" helouise approach to the problem, but look at Michael Douglas up there. Dirty old man. I can only imagine what his "cure" is for a dog bite, or a stab wound. That's right: doo doo butter.

11 July 2006

Pretending to Be a Video Blogger Is Way Too Easy

Yeah, I'm so gonna slack on you a third post in a row and put up video. But, this is the best video post, yet. It's pretty much the best part of the first installment of Chappelle's Show: The Lost Episodes, which started airing Sunday. I've already watched this particular sketch a bunch of times, but just in case you missed it, here it is.

Gawd, this is so much easier than, like,
real blogging. Learning to embed is the best thing that ever happened to me, and the worst thing that ever happened to those who come to LTNA for the writing. Fortunately, there aren't any of you who come here for my pathetic attempts at wit, so everybody wins!

10 July 2006

On the Other Hand...

This may be the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Germans Love This Douche Bag?

All I can say about this is that this is pretty much the worst thing I've ever seen.

29 June 2006

Kill Yourself

Seriously. Just fucking do it.

22 June 2006

Another Doherty Post. Deal with It.


Look, you're just going to have to put up with me doing two Pete Doherty posts inside of one week, because he's simply the greatest fuck-up since Ozzy in his glory days. And, unlike Ozzy, he's clearly not done yet. Besides, it's my blog, and I'll run it into the ground (even more) if I want to.

Despite the still ongoing nature of Pete's tomfoolery, it seems that his diary is going to be published. I suppose anything that happens after this diary's publication simply means we get to look forward to a sequel.

As much as I can't wait to read this shit, I'm pretty surprised that he found time in his busy skagg shooting schedule to write in a fucking diary with any regularity. (I know! What a pussy!) Still, I'm happy to read the inevitably incoherent ramblings of Doherty, spanning from his time in The Libertines, up through and beyond his time dating Kate Moss. Hopefully, he was still clever enough in his drug-induced haze to protect her privacy with an indecipherable alias, along the lines of "Kate M." Or, perhaps he came up with an even tougher code to crack, calling her something like "K. Moss," instead.

In any event, I recommend this book become mandatory reading material for all youth drug prevention programs. Hell, if I were running a D.A.R.E. program, I wouldn't even need his book. I'd just put up any old picture of Pete on the wall, with a sign underneath that said "Don't let this happen to you." That would scare the kids straight, for sure... Of course, I would probably get really stoned in the teacher's lounge, forget my original intent, and would instead make a sign for the photo that said "Pete Doherty D.A.R.E.s you to rock!" with a bunch of smiley faces and rainbows, because I would think it was funny.

Gosh. I'm a total a-hole, even in my imagination.

21 June 2006

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD


Oh. My. God. Below, from today's Variety. Oh. My. Freakin. God:

"Former teen heartthrobs Corey Feldman and Corey Haim have teamed with RDF USA ('Wife Swap') on 'The Coreys,' a hybrid improv comedy that would center on fictional versions of themselves a la 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.'

'The Coreys' picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim -- single and the total opposite of Feldman -- as he shakes life up for the Feldmans."

I just read about this a couple of seconds ago, after debating all day whether I really wanted to go through with discussing Angelina Jolie's appearance on Anderson Cooper 360 last night. Clearly, I did not (although, the New York Times expresses my sentiments on the piece almost exactly).

But, just when I thought today would be relegated to the no-post void, I see what may be the best or worst news of my adult life. Or, rather, the life where I'm 23 and pretending to be an adult only when it is convenient to me-- namely, when I need to restock on champagne and the morning after pill. But, I'm getting off topic.

Any of my avid readers (of which there are none) already know of my enthusiasm for the Coreys, so forgive me for being so incoherent in this post. News like this always leaves me so charmingly befuddled! Well, I think it's charming, at least.

This show could, and will very likely, be deliciously catastrophic. I pray the newly acquired funds from their looming success allow the Coreys to resume their robust enthusiasm for coke and whores, not seen since their 80s heyday. Feldman has been clean for a good time, since he is a family man, or some shit. And rumor was Haim just got his act together some time last year. But, if this show takes off, we can only hope the coked-up as fuck and drunk as shit Coreys of yore will rise from the ashes of their crack pipes like the glorious phoenixes I know them to be. It's going to be a great '06-'07 television season!

20 June 2006

Did He Put His Wang on the Bible to Swear in?

The only thing hotter than a man in socks and sandals (oh, K Fed!) is a man wearing NO socks with leather oxfords and tapered jeans. Oh, and also the jeans are stonewashed. You can see this fact illustrated above, by George "I Make Men Wish They Had Vaginas" Clooney, posing seductively at his Section Eight offices. That smirk is from him relishing the seamless execution of one of his infamous practical jokes, no doubt.

GC's head-wobbling and mouth-twitching charms must've come in handy in French court, as Section Eight, his production company with Steven Soderbergh,
was just awarded victory in a lawsuit against them. Some French screenwriter claimed they plagiarized Syriana from her script called Oversight. But, the judge was lost in Clooney's eyes, and missed everything she said. (In truth, I realize it's highly unlikely George Clooney ever had to set foot in court for this, but it's a lot more fun to pretend he did.)

Not only did this French bitch lose her lawsuit, she was ordered to pay $4,490 in court costs to Warner Bros. and Section Eight! 'Cause, you know, they really need the money. Besides, George Clooney got fat for that movie, okay? That fucking sucked, and 4 grand can never take away that anguish. Poor guy had to walk around totally un-hot for two whole months! Thank God/personal trainers he's back to his trim physique now.

I can just imagine good ol' Cloon-sey on the stand, posed exactly as he is above, shattering the plaintiff's case by simply blinking really hard a bunch of times during his testimony, that sexy way he always does. No, that's not a tick signaling some sort of nervous disfunction or Tourette's. That's nothin' but pure Clooney sexy sex juice.* Drink it down, baby. Drink. It. Down.


*Not to be confused with giz.

19 June 2006

Is It Wrong That I Think He's Fucking Awesome?

So, Pete Doherty was arrested (or "detained," or whatever) yet again for drugs. Babyshambles was performing at the Hultsfred Music Festival in Sweden, and the poe-leese ended up getting in Pete's grill after the show, because "he showed signs of being under the influence of narcotics." Um, duh.

For one, the picture above is from the very show we're talking about. You could put Donnie Osmond on stage looking like that and I'd have no doubt he was completely Yao Ming'd out of his gourd. Plus, IT'S PETE FUCKING DOHERTY. The man makes The Rolling Stones look like Girl Scouts. Gay Girl Scouts. (I'm not sure what that means, either.)

Then, when Pete missed his flight the next day (lost track of time during a busy day chock full of wholesome activities, including a tour of local haberdasheries, no doubt), he decided to hang around and went out to a bar that night... only to get into a fight at the pub and get bounced out, shirtless. (I've totally been there.)

Said one witness, "One girl was bleeding from broken glass on the floor. She went ballistic and Doherty started lashing out at people trying to sort the situation out."

I can't believe Kate Moss dumped his ass. Clearly, that bitch does not know how to party.

15 June 2006

Best. Parenting. Ever.

Copied and pasted from Atlanta's Action 2 News website:

Police Say Parents Give Kids Pot For Good Behavior

POSTED: 6:59 am EDT June 12, 2006
It's the case of the alleged Arizona pot parents.

Police in Chandler charge Toni and Aaron Carlson rewarded their sons with marijuana for good behavior. A police spokesman says they got a tip that the boys' mother, 31-year-old Toni Lynn Carlson and their stepfather, 23-year-old Aaron Carlson, were supplying the boys with marijuana.

Police that allege the also couple smoked pot with the boys. Police said the boys, ages 12 and 11, and a 4-year-old girl, are now in the care of a family member. Officers report they were investigating tips from a neighbor about the possible use and sale of drugs at the home. But investigators said they didn't know about the family pot smoking until the parents and their kids were interviewed.


A transcript of the police interview in which the family inadvertently incriminated themselves has also been released:


Coppers: Are you guys selling pot outta here?

The Dad: Like, no way, ossifer. That's illegal, dude. (winks at cop)

Copper: (beat) Are you high right now?

The Dad: Maybe a little bit from this morning... It was my son's idea.

Copper: What?

The Dad: Well, he did get a B on his math test, and all.

Copper: You smoke out your son as a reward?

The Dad: Like, yeah. Man. (beat) I mean, "no"?


I wish these people were my parents. Somehow, it not nearly as cool when your dad is smoking dope and doing rails off a hooker's ass, when he doesn't bother to invite you "because it's a school night." Prick.

12 June 2006

I Refuse to Write About Shiloh

I'm really, really, really excited for Snakes on a Plane (a.k.a. Mutha Fuckin' Snakes on a Mutha Fuckin' Plane) to come out in August. Like, really excited. I mean, I can't really say that I have a tremendous amount of respect for Samuel L. Jackson's acting range, but his appearances in Coming to America, as well as recent episodes of The Boondocks, make it easier for me to overlook embarrassments like The Man and, more importantly, tip the scales back in his favor of being a "bad ass motherfucker," indeed. Plus, anyone who manages to get both Ghostwriter and Deep Blue Sea on the same resume will do pretty much anything for enough money, clearly.* And, even though-- or, perhaps, especially because-- the same can be said of a pre-op transsexual crack whore, I respect that.

But, I digress. The topic at hand is
MFSOAMFP, being released August 18th. Any of you who went to see X3 will probably have seen the trailer for MFSOAMFP, and will know, as I do, that if the teaser trailer is any indication of the flick itself, MFSOAMFP is destined to be the Greatest Movie Ever. I mean, the trailer has already taken the title of Greatest Trailer Ever, for me at least (apologies to the Blow trailer for losing the title), and I can't wait to take just enough whiskey shots to be perilously close to alcohol poisoning and smoke more bowls than Clinton (come on, you know he totally does), on the night of the 18th. I mean, they can't possibly expect people to see this movie sober, can they?

Some writer guy (is my ignorance showing?) wrote
a really funny post about MFSOAMFP on his Blogger Blogspot Blog nearly a year ago, when it was but a twinkle in New Line's eye. If you're too much of a lazy POS to read it, the best part is when he suggests using the phrase "snakes on a plane" interchangeably with mantras like "shit happens." An excerpt:

WIFE: "Honey you stepped in dog poop again. "
ME: "Snakes on a Plane..."

DOCTOR: "Your cholesterol is 290. Perhaps you want to mix in a walk once in a while."
ME: "Snakes on a Plane..."

WIFE: "Honey while you were on your cholesterol walk you stepped in dog poop again."

You get the picture.


Tee hee! I can't wait for the 18th!

*For the record, I am talking shit about the latter, not the former, by use of contrast in this line. I FUCKING LOVED Ghostwriter. And yes, I WILL fight you about it.

07 June 2006

I'm Not an A-Hole, You Prick! I Have IED!


It turns out that "road rage"
isn't just road rage any more. Like everything else these days, it's actually a terrible disorder with a catchy acronym-- and, most likely, a prescription drug to deal with this "problem" in the works (perhaps Bastardil?). It's called "intermittent explosive disorder" or IED, and supposedly, it affects 7.3% of the population. No, this isn't an arbitrary statistic, Skepty McSkeptical. 18% of people would know that.

Road rage is just one of the many manifestations of this evil affliction. "A person can tell if they suffer from the IED [sic], if they show any or all of these symptoms for a prolonged time: throwing objects, aggressiveness, or property damage." Indeed, these symptoms are indicative of the probability you suffer from IED. Well, either it's IED or you're fucking wasted.

I'm really glad I've gotten to the bottom of why I like to spraypaint babies and bitch-slap octogenarians. All this time, people have just said that I'm a jerk-off, or a highly-functioning retard, at best. But now, next time someone yells at me for eating food off a strangers plate while walking by an outdoor cafe, then throwing a Mike's Hard Lemonade at the maitre d's head, I can say proudly "It's not my fault. I have IED!" Then, I'll drop-kick some kittens to prove my point. Yay for science!

05 June 2006

HBO Slightly Less Cunty


All you Deadwood fans should be happy to hear this. It turns out that all that business about the upcoming third season being the last is only sort of true, after all. HBO has given creator David Milch the go-ahead to make two two-hour movies following the third season, in order to wrap up all the loose ends (i.e. exactly who is and who isn't a "fucking cocksucker"), in the series.

Personally, I'm not really crazy about Deadwood. It sort of seems like HBO enthusiasts are divided into camps of die-hard Sopranos fans, and Deadwood-loving cunts. Mind you, I call you guys "cunts" with the utmost love and respect. (Not really.) Nonetheless, I fall into the former category, as you might have guessed, and am all about the Jersey saga that is The Sopranos. I'm not even going to acknowledge people who are way, way into Entourage.

Still though, I do enjoy me some Ian McShane. More to the point, I enjoy the drinking game I invented wherein every time there's a curse word on the show, I get to take a drink. If you've ever seen Deadwood, you can imagine that this is an extremely efficient method of getting sauced. It's also a great game because you can play it alone. Sometimes I'll play it without even watching Deadwood, or any TV show at all, just sitting in the dark in my apartment. No, it's not sad.

Oh, and here's a tip: This game also works equally well with Rome; however, instead of drinking for every swear, you drink for every time you're bored out of your mind. It's not TV, it's an excuse to black out.

02 June 2006

It's Hard out There for a Moocher


How's this for irony: Baby-machine Kevin Federline is insisting he wants his kids to work crap jobs, when they grow up, "to learn what a real job is, what life is."

After the unemployed back-up-dancing wigger money-sponge lit a Newport with one of Britney Spears' c-notes, he kept talking. He didn't seem to mind the muffling caused by having his foot way, way in his mouth. "You don't have it easy with me. Period. My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit." Well, at least this way Britney can get hooked up with a discount on her beloved chalupas (a traditional Mexican delicacy), after K Fed bleeds her dry, what with his Ferrari-driving, Grey Goose-chugging, not-having-a-job lifestyle. Then again, I guess making the worst rap music ever is kind of like a job.

I'm not sure if he means this for his kids with BritBrit only, or if he's also including his mulatto babies with Shar Jackson. On the other hand, this is probably a moot point, as those kids would probably end up working at Taco Bell, anyway.

01 June 2006

Those Orphans Will Be Solly!


Liz Taylor's been in the news a lot lately because of her "I'm not dead yet" tour. The latest "news" is featured in this article, wherein she sticks up for Michael Jackson, yet again. She insists that she, too, has shared a bed with MJ, and there was "no funny business."

Ahem. The idea of Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor sharing a bed is so vile I have to agree: No, there is absolutely nothing even remotely funny about that scenario.

Why Taylor felt the sudden urge to defend Jacko, when no one has really brought up his, um, enthusiasm for sleepovers with prepubescent boys lately, I have no idea. Quite frankly, she's probably so doped up on Valium and champagne she doesn't either. More to the point, I don't care, and I was only reading this article in the hopes that there might be something vaguely amusing on a pretty slow news day. And here's when This Is London slips in the most interesting tidbit, amidst a melange of who-gives-a-shit:

"She has suffered two bouts of near-fatal viral pneumonia, a brain tumour, three hip replacements and multiple fractures of the spine. She also underwent two periods in rehab for addiction to alcohol and prescription drugs.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been touring Japanese orphanages looking for another child to adopt, according to U.S. reports.

The star is currently fighting his former second wife, Debbie Rowe, over custody of the two children she bore him."

Ever read Where's Waldo? Well, this is a lot easier than that. Hell, I'll make it even easier:

"Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been touring Japanese orphanages looking for another child to adopt, according to U.S. reports."

Now, when a blogger as immature as I am sees comedy gold like this, the initial reaction is an increased heart rate, paired with moistened palms and a sudden desperation for pot. My fingers begin to twitch above the keyboard as I start running through the rolodex of babyfucker jokes in my perverted mind. I try to decide how best to throw a joke about Asians into the mix, because we all know I'm an equal opportunity racist, and I haven't made any Asian jokes since the tiger pee incident. I'm due.

But then, I realize that it's all for naught. This is just one of those things where the truth is the funniest joke that can be made about the situation. It's comedic blue balls for any humorist, let me tell ya. And it happens all the time with the likes of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Courtney Love, Anna Nicole Smith... Well, let's just say it happens a lot. The writer could have at least tried not to phrase the sentence to make it sound like Jackson was essentially shopping for a new, young, son, who knows how to keep his mouth shut in front of welfare workers and reporters. Clemmie Moodie, you cheeky little monkey!

Still though, I thought I'd share that little piece of info. I'd love to see the look on the golden child's face, once selected, when he looks into Jacko's eyes (try not to look at the picture up there too long-- you'll start to itch and cry, uncontrollably and without explanation), and realizes that's the melting face of his new pederast daddy.

31 May 2006

Aniston Brilliant Satirist, Not Horribly Tacky Bitch


At a recent press junket where she was promoting The Break Up, Jennifer Aniston had reporters breaking up-- in laughs, that is! When asked if she was interested in "global issues," she answered, "No. I'm not interested in any of that." Naturally, the crowd erupted over Aniston's truly amazing, off-the-cuff sarcastic reply.

She added, "I just like to focus on me and my tabloid career." This obvious dig on the Namibia-loving new parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is, of course, in perfectly good taste-- especially since they just donated $300K to sick kids in Africa (or something), on top of all the other do-gooder shit they've been up to. Jen, on the other hand, went on Letterman, okay? So, put that in your orange and white UNICEF donation cardboard box and smoke it. Any douchebag can, like, you know, be against diphtheria or whatever, but Jennifer Aniston is in a movie, okay? And it's a romantic comedy. That shit takes talent, the likes of which we haven't seen since the glory days of Meg Ryan. Yep, Brad and Angelina certainly look like idiots now.

When one reporter followed up with "That's great, Ms. Aniston. But, no, seriously, what are you interested in? I mean, Angelina Jolie may be a crazy, heartless, homewrecking, walking id, but she distracts us from that by being hot and teaching AIDS orphans how to read. Or whatever. What exactly are your interests, aside from trying to make people feel sorry for you? Oh, and I guess also being frigid and bitter?"

Aniston faltered only for a moment before delivering her final zinger: "I have a lot of other interests. But, I don't need to tell you all my interests, but there's a lot."

NAILED IT! You go, Jen!

30 May 2006

If You Thought "Reggaeton" Was the Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Reggae...


What could be more irritating than Paris Hilton's chronic infestation of crabs (pictured)? Listening to Paris Hilton's "music," which she has been threatening to release for over a year. "When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most," says Paris. One would assume she's talking about competing in dick-sucking contests in that quotation. And, one would be right. However, in this instance, she's actually talking about her life-long love of singing.

[Heavy sigh. Massaging of temples. Exhale.]

Okay. Moving on.

It seems the first single is due out next month, and she's happy to say she'll be bastardizing music from a range of genres, "not just, like, you know, pop and stuff." Her first single, "Stars Are Blind," has a heavy reggae influence. No. Seriously.

Quoth Paris:
"I like all music. It's not like I only like pop or only rock. I want to have something for everybody." Up to this point, DP gangbangs and herpes have been her means of having "something for everybody," but I suppose even Paris gets tired of Eiffel Towers. Get ready to envy the deaf in Summer '06.

25 May 2006

Bob Dylan Is a Woman from Australia


I've heard of stunt casting, but Jeeeebus. This is a new one.

Word is, Cate Blanchett is going to play Bob Dylan in an upcoming biopic. She and four other actors will portray Dylan in the flick, including Christian Bale and... um... Richard Gere. Each actor will be Bob in a different guise at a different point in his life. Evidently, Dylan went through a shoving-gerbils-up-my-ass phase, at some point.*

The other two slots of the five Dylans are still open. I recommend Adam Sandler to fill one of them. (What's that you say? That Bob Dylan impression he always did on SNL was supposed to be funny, not historically accurate? Bah!)

Bizarrely, Blanchett is the one who most resembles Dylan out of the list, thus far. Cate is portraying Dylan in the movie in scenes from before his motorcycle accident in 1966. You know, when he still looked like a woman, according to scholars. Could this be director Todd Haynes' not-so-subtle way of saying Dylan's accident "cured him from looking like a fucking trick-ass bitch"? The answer is, obviously, "yes."

Perhaps Hillary Swank will be kind enough to lend Cate her stunt cock from Boys Don't Cry so Cate can really get into character. There's nothing sexier than an androgynous woman with a gigantic stunt cock.

Unless it's a gigantic black stunt cock.

*Did you really think I could get through a post that mentions Richard Gere without making a gerbil comment? I think we all know I'm way too hackneyed and childish of an absentee blogger for that sort of sophistication.

24 May 2006

Personally, I'd Go with "Toby"


It's not enough that "Brangelina" (I cringe every time I type that. Every. Fucking. Time.) are continuing this whole "we are the philandering world" tour to prove that they're better than us by living in Africa while also being impossibly hot. No, just to take it one step farther, those two have asked the Namibian Governor Samuel ("Samuel"? The fucking governor of fucking Namibia is named "Samuel"?) Nuuyoma (ah, there it is) to pick a name for their unborn kid. No, seriously:

"'When she goes to the hospital, as the father of the region, I will be informed and I will go there,' he said to Britain's Daily Mirror.

'I will announce the good news and I will be naming the baby.'"

So there you have it, kids. [Tounge-click Tongue-click] Jolie-Pitt is set to make his debut sooner than... well, sooner than you can make three whole tongue-clicks. Those Namibian AIDS orphans are gonna be sooooo jealous that [Tongue-click Tongue-click] was named by the Governor. But, at least the jealousy will distract them from the huge bummer of being an AIDS orphan, momentarily. And for that reason alone, I have to confess: Yes, I do believe in angels!

12 April 2006

Oops, I Dropped My Infant on His Head Again


Britney Spear's infant son, Sean Preston (pictured), is a perfect example of the type of kid who you will know was dropped on his head as a baby, once he gets a little older. This is, most likely, because SPS was, literally, dropped on his head, suffering a skull fracture. As fucked up as this may be, I know none of you can be surprised by news like this in the slightest. That poor kid never had an effing chance.

Evidently, he "fell" out of his high chair a few days ago, and was "sleeping more than usual" which prompted Britney to "realize" maybe "she" ought to "take him to a doctor"... SEVERAL DAYS after he "fell" from the "chair."

BritBrit and KFed were questioned by coppers after their son's injuries were diagnosed, but naturally, police will be taking no action against them. I guess gross negligence and child endangerment charges in repeated instances (lest we forget the recent "my baby don't need no car seat" incident) don't apply when you've graced the world with hits like "Slave 4 U."

10 April 2006

Work Is Hard


And evidently, it is even harder to keep foolish promises. But, I suppose that's what makes a promise foolish to begin with-- the inherent difficulty in keeping it. But, I don't want you to think that I don't want to dispense insults and observations rendered meaningless by a bravado born solely from the comforts of anonymity, updated twice daily. (Ah, the good ol' days!) Even this poor excuse for a post is strung together fiendishly, during rare moments of down time when I'm not getting some cunt her $14 salad "no tortilla strips, dressing on the side, please." It's really sad to think that a gig this shitty is still an upgrade from the last one-- except of course, in the blogging realm, of which there is now essentially none. Uh, sorry.

In any event, I did find time to write a blog last week, which is a lot more along the lines of all the blogs I hate; i.e., self-concerned. I always wanted this particular blog to be about anything except me. I didn't realize it would become so obsessed with Google's global takeover, but che sera sera. Besides, I prefer my narcissism manifest in ways much less trite (and in some ways much more trite) than a fucking blog. In this particular self-concerned blog entry, which you'll find syndicated below, you'll find out why I made this decision at the start. (Spoiler alert: It's because I suck.) Enjoy?

Computer Charlie / I Wish I Were a Retard

There's a guy who comes to my place of work once a week [usually on Fridays, but he is here today ("today" = Thursday)]. His name is Charlie, and he fixes our computers and resolves miscellaneous technical issues. Every week, the day before he comes in, they send out an email, and the subject line always says "Re: Computer Charlie." The emails are just to let us know Charlie is coming, and to therefore let our facilities guy know if we have any issues that need resolving. By Charlie.

Charlie is overweight, has receding hair and is a man in his late 30s to early 40s with fucking braces. He eats Peanut M&Ms by the handful and he chews with his mouth open. Charlie is also really, really smart-- at least when it comes to computer shit.

I am terribly jealous of Charlie. This is not hard for me to explain.

Because I've come to realize that the subjects upon whom I focus my jealousy have always been peculiar (to say the least), Charlie is just one of many people whom most others would not flatter with jealousy. I am jealous of Charlie because I glamorize and oversimplify his life. This is easy to do because it is so obviously different from mine.

Charlie doesn't have to give a shit about all the bullshit that I worry about and agonize over; and, because I have no idea what his bullshit is, I like to pretend he doesn't have any bullshit of his own. Charlie doesn't give a fuck if he's fat. Charlie doesn't give a fuck if he's bald (or, perhaps he at least doesn't mind too much). Charlie doesn't give a fuck if you think he looks ridiculous in braces, even if he is pushing forty... forty... I'm gonna say forty...two? This last "Charlie doesn't give a fuck if..." is the one most anchored in truth, because the very fact that Charlie has the fucking braces at his age is evidence that he weighed the probability of public ridicule and still went for it. (Such chutzpa!) Charlie is a computer guy, and he's fucking good at being a computer guy. And that's enough for him. As far as the fat/bald/braces/pure slob thing, he just says "fuck it all." Or, so I imagine. And that's why I'm jealous of Charlie.

But enough about Charlie. I'm even more jealous of retards. This is an even older jealousy than my jealousy for Charlie. You see, mental retardation is a whole new stratosphere of not giving a fuck. I don't mean Jessica Simpson retarded. I mean, a bonafide re-re. The source of this jealousy is the same deal as with Charlie, just more exaggerated. Imagine going through life not caring about social mores, people stealin' yo flava or even Bob Barker. Imagine not only going through life not caring about these things, but being largely unaware of them and their significance. Imagine not having any fucking idea what "significance" means.

Pee peed on someone's couch? And it wasn't covered in plastic? No problem. You won't even remember in about ten minutes. And people can't get pissed (no pun intended) at you for peeing on their couches, or just being an asshole in general, simply because you're a fucking retard. If they yell at you, then they're the assholes. Fucking sweet deal. I mean, do retards even have to pay for bullshit like rent? Or Pumas? Sure, maybe the sneakers provided to retards aren't Puma quality, but I often wear shoes with velcro as it is (yes, my fashion sense is already, quite literally, retarded), so it really wouldn't be much of a downgrade to have to wear them every day. Just sayin'.

08 March 2006

Um. Hey.

Yeah... So like, what's up? In the unlikely event any of you are dutiful enough to still be reading this poor excuse for a blog, I figured it was worth letting you know I didn't go with Plan A (you know, the one with the gold-plated blow dryer and the bathtub full of champagne) just yet, and I am still alive and twitching. That new job I mentioned has had me working 55 hours-- in a light week, meaning I am extremely pressed for time to do things like binge drink, regular drink, go to cockfights and blog. So, obviously, one of those things had to go, as a consequence. (Guess which one.)

But LTNA isn't dead once and for all, friend. (Somehow I suspect I am back down to that one lonely, loyal reader after my lengthy absence.) It's just not going to be daily any more. Most likely, it won't even be weekly. Sorry. I'm sure you guys are over it already, since I fucked off for a month already-- with not so much as a phone call! In any event, if you really are super bored three or four years from now, it might be worth checking out good ol' LTNA. There might even be an update by then.

31 January 2006

First Alito, Now This?!


Just when you think that the United States government can't be any more terrifyingly absurd, you read about a self-proclaimed vampire/ gubernatorial candidate for Minnesota (pictured) getting arrested for stalking and "escape." And, the guy's name is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey. Bear in mind, this is the state whose current governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, is a former wrestler.

Sharkey gained national attention last month, with his platform of tax breaks for farmers, better benefits for veterans, and impaling terrorists in front of the state capitol. You know, the ususal.

30 January 2006

Heterosexual Tom Cruise Refuses to Fuck Fiance


Pictures of like this of Tom Cruise are such a treat for us ladies. They show us what a real man looks like. This photo (I like to call it "The Pussy Inspector") is proof positive of Tom's heterosexuality, and leads one to wonder why these pesky gay rumors ever began in the first place.

Anyway. Reportedly, Tom
has stopped having sex with fiance "Kate" Holmes out of his fear of vaginas fear it could "negatively impact" the nonexistent baby. Putting aside the ludicrous and wholly untrue rumors that the two have never had sex in the first place because Tom is too busy having sex with men, I will say my sympathy goes out to Kate. So many women can only dream of a 5'4" couch-jumping vitamin-enthusiast trying to do you from behind with a paper bag on your head while insisting he call you "Ron," since that's the only way he can keep it up for more than 20 seconds.

Lucky for Kate, the no-sex-with-Tom is only temporary circumstance, and not a legally-binding permanent condition of a confidential agreement drafted by Tom's lawyers which doesn't exist. Isn't lurve beautiful?

27 January 2006

Inappropriate, Amusing or Inappropriately Amusing Headline Round-up

Call me crazy, but talking about new cancer drugs with the type of snappy language reserved for the Jack in the Box commercials seems like a bit of a faux pas.

Too easy.


[Amsterdam joke.]

And we have a winner! Quick, someone cue Clive Clemmons! INAPPROPRIATE!!!

26 January 2006

gTunes?


Continuing in their pursuit of world domination, the nerds at Google are developing an iTunes competitor of their own, with a beta version set to debut in 3-6 months. All the geeks seem to agree this is a logical step, following the launch of their media player back in September. Steve Jobs and the dorkwads, lamewads and other miscellaneous wads in charge over at iTunes shouldn't be the only ones nervous about Google getting into this already crowded game, even if they are, by far, the most successful service for music downloads, currently. Microflaccid, Crapster and others should also be wringing their hands. 'Cause Google is, like, really good.

We realize that for most people this isn't nearly as interesting as rocking out to "PopoZoa" ad infinitum. So with that, we encourage you to resume doing so, as we have been since yesterday. This is going to be the best album ever.

25 January 2006

If You Thought BET Was the Worst Thing You'd Ever Seen...


In an effort to reach new heights in poorly written and racially retrogressive programming, The WB and UPN have joined forces to create a new network, to be called "CW."

Once the mandatory brass knuckles are distributed, the network will air shows that are currently direct competitors on one unified network. (Sweet! No more choosing between Girlfriends and Reba!) The idea here is that this union will allow the two laughing stocks of network television to have the cache of all the, shall we say, "real" networks like CBS, ABC, Fox and NBC.

Although, considering NBC is going down the toilet with astonishing efficiency, their spot as one of the "big four" is increasingly tenuous with each new set of overnights and fast nationals. Once they leave it, CW will be sure to pull up quick and retrieve it, with such quality programming as Black Joey and My Name Is Black Earl. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah boyeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

24 January 2006

According to Blogshares, LTNA Is a "Blog in Decline"! :-)


I was going to do a real post today, but I just didn't see anything that was very amusing in the news. For reals. You know, like yesterday, wherein I opted to expound in a narcissistic vein, rather than fake it with some news item on Nicole Richie or Google, like I usually do. Also, I'm wearing that t-shirt I mentioned, so, um, well, you know... To be honest, I've been phoning it in since like, November...

But, I want to give you at least three minutes of relief from looking at the clock to see if it's time to go home yet, so enjoy this Sunday's The Boondocks comic strip. Click it for a larger view, and enjoy!

P.S. There is simply no way this new slang won't catch on. At least, not if I have anything to do with it. And, by "have anything to do with it," I mean "drive it into the ground with gross overusage."

23 January 2006

First Person, Singular


I'm done with the "we" thing, loyal readers. You see, when I started this blog, I was extremely worried about the, shall I say, "frank" nature of my appraisal of Hollywood and celebrities when I considered where I work (i.e. in Hollywood repping celebrities). Indeed, my shit-talking has often stepped on the toes of clients of my current place of employment-- starting with my very first post (I have now given far too many hints), so it could and perhaps should have gotten me fired by now. Thus, my so-called anonymity remained precious-- a code uncrackable by even the smartest of retarded monkeys! Use of the editorial "we" was my fail-safe in case I was outed. I could always claim there was more than one person editing this thing if it ever came into question. Ultimately, I've realized that I'm flattering myself to think that this blog is relevant enough to get me fired from Burger King, let alone from ------- ------ ------, considering my outright insolence toward my boss has not.

But, in truth, this change isn't really the result of that realization, as I had the realization some time ago. Actually, I am moving on to a new job, and have severe hubris which has intensified with each hour that has passed since giving my notice last week. I've even considered wearing a shirt to work that says "If you think I didn't give a shit before..." I should note, I would not wear this shirt only once. I would wear it every day for my last two weeks. Also, I wouldn't shower. And also, I'd be drunk. Sloppy drunk.

So yeah, new frontiers and all that. It's very easy to be excited about a new job when you haven't figured out how it sucks yet, so I'm enjoying that, at the moment. The best news of all is simply that there is no possible way I can hate it more than I hate my current job, so worst case scenario means I'll be hating a new job equally but for different reasons. Hooray for working your way up!


And yes, the new job is still in "the industry" so I will still have to watch my mouth (so to speak) and preserve my farcical anonymity. But, at least we can say goodbye to the "we" deal. Believe it or not, I liked it even less than you did.

20 January 2006

2006, A.D.: Apocalypse, Wow!


Jennifer Aniston is not having a very good 2005-2006, and the photo at left really captures the "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" attitude she must have at the moment.

In case the whole Brad-Pitt-leaving-you-for-Angelina-Jolie-only-to-make-yourself-even-more-pathetic-by-fake-dating-the-bloated-and-probably-gay-Vince-Vaughn thing wasn't bad enough, now "insiders" are saying Ange was taking fertility treatments to get pregnant, and it looks like she's actually knocked up with twins as a result. Between the possibility of there being not one, but two of the most freakishly perfect genetic combinations walking the earth by the end of this year, and the mysteriously shrinking TomKitten bump, we're pretty sure the end is near.

We're not too worried. They'll probably have Fruit Roll-ups and Ssips juice boxes. Maybe Dunkaroos. It won't be that bad. We're not entirely sure why we imagine armageddon as strikingly similar to the third grade. We just do.

19 January 2006

Brad Renfro on Drugs, Beginning to Resemble Ben Affleck, Scarily


Most of us remember Brad Renfro's hilarious boat-stealing antics of yore, but if you saw any recent issues of the L.A. Weekly, you know far too well that that shithead still has not gotten his act together. Indeed, he is the Corey Haim for a new generation, getting pinched for trying to score some H on Skid Row.

Obviously,
he's pleading not guilty, and his lawyer says "He's looking forward to resolving it all as soon as possible so he can get back to acting." His attorney failed to comment on the follow up question "Are you fucking kidding me? When the fuck was the last time Brad fucking Renfro was in a fucking movie? And no, soft-core porn doesn't count."

Seeing how fucked up Renfro's life is can be quite the boost to one's own self esteem. The fact that he had to go to Skid Row to score is pretty goddamned pathetic. At least we have friends (shout out, Treyvon!) who are more than happy to sell us some black tar or fine china, as the case may be. What kind of loser doesn't have friends who will sell him drugs in the comfort of a shady apartment in Culver City?

18 January 2006

Apple to Develop Cell Phone, Estimated MSRP $749


While Motorola is still smarting from the Rokr/ Nano debacle of a few months ago, Apple has been plotting the latest "dirty Goulet" (why yes, it is similar to a dirty sanchez!) sneak attack on the titans of the cell phone industry.

To wit, it seems more likely than ever that an "iPhone" is in the works. Word on the street is Apple is going with the less obvious, yet significantly more gay, "Mobile Me" as the name for their line of wireless devices. Their applications are already in at the U.S. Patent and Trade Offices, and it looks like they're developing some kind of blackberry slash music phone hybrid to try to put everyone else out of business. Well, at least until Google decides to start making cell phones. Free cell phones.

17 January 2006

Viagra Causes Blindness, Hairy Palms

A new study has shown that impotency drugs like Viagra and Cialis may cause blindness in one eye. The research suggests that those most at risk are men with a history of heart attacks, high blood pressure and diabetes. (Who's banging these geezers in the first place?)

The scientists aren't 100% sure that the blindness is a direct result of the drug, or if the blindness is caused by erectile disfunction itself. We're not 100% sure if "erectile disfunction" is the scientists' way of saying "bad aim." In any event, the "it's worth it" attitude shared by many Viagra-users after learning of these dangers is sure to foster a resurgence in the popularity of eyepatches in the near future. Pirate chic is so hot right now.

13 January 2006

No, Tinkerbell, That's Not a Fish Taco You're Smelling


This article says that dogs can smell cancer on your breath. No, really. It seems that, once trained to respond differently to cancer patients and cancer-free controls, the dogs have a 90% accuracy rate. Due to the metabolic waste produced by cancer cells, one's breath will contain elements that can be perceived by a dog's heightened sense of smell, which is up to 100,000 times more sensitive than a human's. It looks like drug dogs won't be the only pooches freaking us out, in the near future.

The implications of this are pretty bizarre. If doctors are seriously planning to start using dogs to help diagnose illnesses, they'd better at least equip them with little doggy lab coats and glasses so it still feels professional. And if they can train dogs to sniff out STDs too (pictured), well maybe it'll cushion the blow of the bad news.

[Insert Lede Here]


Oh, now they're just trying to be cute.