20 December 2005

LTNA Throws a Freakin' Bone

So, um yeah... Sorry about the complete lack of posting yesterday, folks. Our place of work closed for the holidays on Friday, and we found it extra hard to give a shit about Britney Spears suing over a sex tape when we were able to start getting shitfaced on mojitos as early as noon, yesterday. Hooray for the holidays!

Nevertheless, LTNA will continue to be updated sporadically through the end of this week, when all you chumps who are still working finally get your holiday breaks. For the record, we're posting this from a public library, so none of youse can accuse us of not caring at all. (FYI, Our home internet connection is extremely unreliable, as for us "home internet connection" means stealing it wirelessly from our neighbors upstairs). It's just that we just don't care that much.

So now, we're off to look for something in the news to make fun of. We'll come back later. And by "later," we mean any time between one hour and this Friday. And for those of you reading this at work (i.e., all of you), take some solace in the fact that you just killed another, oh, minute and a half reading this pseudo-post. Zoooooooooom!

16 December 2005

Okay. We're Officially Obsessed with This.

Words. Cannot. Express.

Seriously. You just have to fucking watch this. Trust us. It will be the greatest thing you've ever done. This is up there with "The Superbowl Shuffle" or "I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac." And if you don't know what those are, then you are severely deprived.

[Thanks to D Listed for the link.]

Foxy Brown Is Mad Def Deaf, Yo!

Foxy Brown (the rapper, not the blacksploitation movie icon) is almost totally deaf, which she first discovered while recording her new album Black Roses. During a visit to the studio, Jigga wanted to know why the levels were "exploding loud." But to Foxy, they sounded fine, and her hearing has continued to deteriorate after that incident.

For example, recently, when H-to-tha-iz-O was like, "You look like a whore," Foxy continued dressing and acting like a whore like she always does, so she obviously didn't hear shit. At this point, she's reading lips. She's pretty good with understanding and responding to familiar phrases like "I'll give you some doughnuts if you let me teabag you. Glazed. No, not the doughnuts. My balls." She has a lot more difficulty with phrases that are new and complicated for her, like "You're a dirty bitch," or "Put some goddamn clothes on."

Luckily, Foxy's a "strong candidate" for some restorative surgery that she's set to have in January; but, in the meantime, she's been pacing her raps with the aid of someone tapping the beat on her shoulder. This method is sure to produce some Keller tracks on her new album. Get it? "Keller" tracks? Helen "Keller"? God, we're good. And by "good" we mean "self-loathing."


For us, today is a pretty big deal. It's the last day we have to toil in this urine soaked hell-hole of a job (until January, at least). But, much more importantly, it marked the last broadcast of The Howard Stern Show on terrestrial radio. There was a massive turnout at the parade held outside the Howard Stern Building which houses WXRK (K-ROCK, New York), Howard's old station, this morning.

We have to say we're psyched for his career on Sirius Satellite Radio to begin January 9th, complete with "the c-word." But, having listened to Howard since we were 13 years old, we have to admit even our frozen heart began to melt a little, during today's broadcast. We actually woke up at 3 a.m. to hear the live east coast feed, which reminds us: Where is that goddamn intern with our coffee?! Nevertheless, it was worth it just to hear Artie totally shitfaced on Jack Daniel's Single-Barrel before the sun was even up.

In any event, we just wanted to acknowledge the end of a very important era in radio, and moreover, in comedy. A caller this week shared a sentiment that we have felt as long as we've been listening to the show, which is that Howard is rarely recognized for his accomplishments as a great comedian. Howard Stern is much more than a "shock jock," as the obnoxious epithet used by so many media-types implies-- and he'll be the first to tell you so.

Just before Howard spoke at the rally this morning, Robin said in her own farewell speech that she's spent this morning like the last twenty years: Waiting to see what Howard has to say. Then, she added that she can't wait to spend the next five years, still waiting to see what Howard has to say. We couldn't have said it better ourselves (which is why we didn't try to).

So, even if you're not a fan of Howard, if you're a fan of comedy, take a shot from that flask in your bottom desk drawer today. It's a celebration, bitches.

15 December 2005

America's Next Top Cult Leader

After reading that the recently-resurrected Radar is already being put out of its misery, we felt a strange melancholy. Perhaps it was some kind of bizarre nostalgia-- a nostalgia for something we, in fact, hadn't ever experienced. Nevertheless, we were overcome when we passed by the newsstand during lunch and saw Angelina Jolie's face daring us to buy it ("'Scary Issue'? We'll see about that!"). It was, after all, our last chance to do so. We relented.

A quick perusal of the first half of it helped our unwarranted feelings of woe subside exponentially, as we turned one unimpressive page after another. But then, we came across page 29, which presents a serious examination of Tyra Banks as the L. Ron Hubbard for the new millennium. We always thought her large, sloping "fivehead" was a dead give-away of being part alien or something, but David Koresh in Victoria's Secret lingerie will work, too.

Radar had cult specialists examine the manipulation and mind control tactics employed by Tyra n' the gang on that show of hers (not the daytime one, Oprah, but Skinny or whatever it's called, the model one). It's actually pretty fascinating, and shed light on how diabolical Tyra Banks actually is. It actually made us hate her more, and we didn't think that was possible. Truly impressive. We could retype some hilites here for your enjoyment, but it's even easier for us to, well, not do that. Yeeeeeah...

Oh, and also, you can't look at it on the Radar website, because it's a zine exclusive. So, you know, bummer. We guess the point of this post (And, who are we kidding? There isn't one!) is just that Radar mostly sucked, so it doesn't really matter that it's going the way of the Zack Morris cell phone. But, after the "Tyra Banks is a cult leader" article, there's one on Sarah Silverman on the next page, so that's pretty cool. We're gonna go read that. This article's also online though, so you actually can read this article, instead of just reading about reading it. Go on, now. Git. Nothin' to see here.

Kanye West Is Modest

Many of us remember Kanye West's outburst the last time he was "shunned" at the Grammys, and didn't sweep the awards with College Dropout. We couldn't really indentify with his anger, since everyone knows the Grammys are total crap. Seriously, who the hell watches the Grammys?

Well anyway, this year Kanye's up for even more noms with Late Registration, and
is already saying this album will go down in the history books, adding that "10 years from now they'll look back at what [Late Registration] did for the game." Then he goes on to talk about how they waited a whole two weeks(!) for some harpsichord that they used on "Diamonds (from Sierra Leone)," and that's why he deserves to win every category for which he is nominated.

Now, we enjoy the Kanye West as much as the next jerk, but there's something to be said for humility. If he does manage to sweep this year, one can only wonder what sort of stunts the next crop of albums will have to pull, just to compete. Perhaps when Jay-Z comes out of retirement (you know it's going to happen), he'll release a third version of The Black Album with only the accompaniment of a theremin, sitar and dulcimer trio. Pharell set to produce.

14 December 2005

Annie Lennox Is a Rude Twat

At a screening of Annie Hall in London, Orlando Bloom sought to solidify his image as a heterosexual by approaching Annie Lennox for an autograph. Annie's reply? "I just want a quiet night. Please leave me alone and get a life."

Of course, after someone told her Orlando Bloom was Orlando Bloom, she rushed over to apologize and give him the autograph. Isn't Annie great? She made everything right, in the end. She's only a complete bitch to her non-famous fans. If you work a regular job, you can go fuck yourself as far as Annie Lennox is concerned; but, if you're a celebrity-- even one she's never heard of-- hey, let's party!

In a related story, we now fucking hate Annie Lennox.

In Xanadu, Everyone Drives a K Fed

Somethin's weird about this K-Fed's ride. Hmmmm... Maybe a closer look will tell us more.

Ah ha! That's no Ferrari! It's a Federline!

No, not really. Unfortunately, this photo is just a close-up of one of the personal touches K Fed has had added to his Ferrari. Sadly, K Fed isn't producing his own line of Italian sports cars for the public (i.e., LTNA) to enjoy. Yet. We'll go on dreaming of what could be, dreaming of the day we can cruise over to Roscoe's in a 2007 Federline Spyder with the factory installed stereo that only plays the "Y'all Ain't Ready" cassingle ad infinitum.

Yeah. Cassingle. We said it.

[Photos ganked from Hollywood Rag.]

Someone Else Doesn't Like Tom Cruise

Author Patricia Cornwell thinks Tom Cruise is fucking batshit may be acting irresponsibly with his cavalier dismissal of psychiatry. She expressed her fears, saying:

"There's going to be some girl or boy who worships this megastar, who decides, 'I'm not going to take my anti-depressants because Tom Cruise said I don't need drugs.'"

It is not 1995. If there are still young boys and girls out there "worshiping" Tom Cruise, then maybe we're the ones taking crazy pills because, to us, that's a huge problem in and of itself. Indeed, if Tom Cruise has secretly had a devout following of tweeners all hopped up on vitamins, exercise and sandwiches whom he's been grooming into some sort of Jr. Scientologist Militia, we're all in big trouble. Kids that age are far too young to be jaded and cynical, and realize Tom Cruise is seriously fucking batshit is slightly eccentric. Could this fiendish plan have something to do with all the time TomKat has been spending at peewee soccer matches, of late? Could the TomKitten be their unborn Messiah? Oh, dear. The pieces are fitting! None of us can hope to be prepared enough to handle the INTENSITY! Save yourselves!

BREAKING: Wikipedia Probably Not the Best Source to Cite in Your Doctorate Thesis

Due to a recent fraudulent entry on Wikipedia which linked former USA Today Editor John Seigenthaler with both Kennedy assassinations, the People in Charge at the online encyclopedia have been forced to state the obvious: Namely, that it's not really a wise idea to take information completely seriously when it's gotten from a site written, often anonymously, by any dickhead with a modem. You know, like this one.

Don't get us wrong-- we use The Pedia (that's the street name) fairly often, and have even linked to it here on LTNA on a few of our more-obscure-than-usual references. But our endorsement of Wikipedia is the ultimate testament to the type of behavior any self-respecting individual should avoid. Wikipedia, and for that matter any resource containing an extensive entry on Trapped in the Closet, is just not the type of source real grown-ups cite in their research. It's a good thing blogs don't have to be bothered with these pesky things like "sources with merit." In fact, we're off to The Pedia to read more about the subtle art of the donkey punch for our next post. Toodles!

13 December 2005

Chappelle's Show in '06. No Foolies.

The fabled DVD of completed sketches for the abbreviated third season of Chappelle's Show ( you know, from back in day, before Dave was all "fuck this bullshit and yo' mama's stank ass, too") is finally going to come out. Watch the trailer for it here, if you haven't already. Comedy Central doesn't give a date, or address whether they plan to air what they have on the network before the DVD's release, but at least they've finally acknowledged that Dave really isn't coming back. At last, they're ready to make money off of Dave anew, and that's the first step in healing, friends.

Let's Hope The Postman 2: Return to Sender Can Save '06

Movie audiences have made Kevin Costners out of all of Hollywood's power players this year, as the box office has had its worst year in nearly two decades. It's amusing to see all the suits wringing their hands and scratching their heads, trying to figure out whyohwhy they only pulled down $8 billion this year, instead of the usual 9. It really is quite befuddling to us too, honestly. Why aren't people rushing to the local googolplex eagerly, stampeding infants and the elderly who get in the way with their $10.50 in hand to see Michael Bay's latest vision? How could one resist any of these gems of '05:

In the Mix

The Honeymooners

Son of the Mask

Alone in the Dark

Get Rich or Die Tryin'

The Fog

It really is a mystery. We're going to go watch our DVD of The Dukes of Hazzard as a show of solidarity to our fallen executives, and more importantly, as an act of contrition for our peers who've neglected the box office gods. For shame!

"Most Expensive Piece of Ass I Ever Had"

One couple's attempt to join the Mile High Club went completely awry, after their alcohol-fueled monkey sex was so loud the flight staff had to break things up and send them back to their seats.

The tale continues, however. The couple, still totally shitfaced, decided to pick a fight with the staff for hatin' on their lovin'. The pissed/ pissed-off couple got so out of hand the plane's captain had to make an emergency landing in Bermuda. The couple may have to pay the $58,950 it cost to divert the plane, and they never even got to go to Jamaica, mon!

In a related story, LTNA has come into some legal trouble recently, and would appreciate it if any of our loyal readers could reach into their hearts, and more importantly their pockets to help out. We need to raise about 60 Gs, so dig deep, people. We accept jewels, doubloons, checks made out to "Cash" and anything else that we can fence. And if anyone knows a good lawyer for "air rage" cases, holla.

12 December 2005

A Blog Post about Another Blog's Post

Our earlier post, or ostensible lack thereof, about Richard Pryor's death was a pretty good indicator of how much the news bummed us out, leaving us sort of speechless (a rare treat). After all, this is supposed to be a fairly humorous site. Our failure of that is typically the result of a lack of talent, rather than anything emotional. We are, for the most part, quite dead inside; but in this case, we were saddened enough that there just wasn't any humorous take on Richard's death, for us. In short, we wanted to pay our respects, but didn't quite know how to reconcile our genuine mourning with our normal cheeky insolence. Hence, the bare-bones post of this morning.

Luckily, TAN seemed to handle the issue of blogging about Pryor's death a lot better than we did. We present to you a fictional interview between himself and the recently-deceased comedian, syndicated here. Enjoy!

The Assimilated Negro: so thank you for doing this interview with me today. It’s nice to have this sort of exclusive. And I know it’s a tough time right now.

Richard Pryor: It’s not that tough. I’d recommend more interviews getting done after motherfuckers die. There ain’t shit to do now, except think about shit, so it’s a great time for an interview.

TAN: so any immediate regrets ?

RP: yeah. Well I regret doing all those motherfucking drugs that probably cut my life short at least ten years. That MS shit ain’t cool. You kids probably think a motherfucker’s cool ridin’ in the wheelchair. Racing and poppin’ wheelies and shit. The shit ain’t cool.

TAN: I think us “kids” might surprise you. We’re not that into riding in wheelchairs. Or MS. But we are into you and your voice. What you represent.

RP: What do I represent? I know you motherfuckers ain’t trying to make a Martin or Malcolm out of me. That’s a little excessive. I’m just a nigga trying to be funny. Make other niggas laugh.

TAN: Yeah. And that can mean a lot. Being able to laugh is important. And you’re not Martin or Malcolm. You’re Richard. You’re your own thing.

RP: Yeah, well Martin and Malcolm didn’t kill themselves by doing too much drugs and shit. They didn’t light themselves on fire in a freebasing accident. You know what I’m saying? Them motherfuckers was focused.

TAN: Yeah. But they weren’t all that funny either. If guys like you didn’t help us laugh and poke fun at shit, then we wouldn’t be able to take guys like them seriously.

RP: what the fuck are you talking about nigga? You been hanging out with them white kids too much.

TAN: I’m just saying. Just because you’re a comic, that doesn’t make you any less of a leader, or an icon. But why does this feel like you’re interviewing me, instead of vice versa?

RP: Cause you’re a bad interviewer motherfucker. That’s why. And I don’t mean “bad” meaning “good” either nigga. I mean your interviewing stinks.

TAN: I thought you gave up saying “nigga” after your trip to Zimbabwe.

RP: I did nigga. Now I’m dead, and I’m saying nigga whenever the fuck I want.

[Read the rest here.]

Alec Baldwin Does a Great "Tony Bennett"

Did you catch Alec Baldwin on SNL this weekend? Fuckin' hilarious. And that Andy Samberg is so on our "To Stalk in '06" list, right under Finesse Mitchell. Oh, but this post isn't about that.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger's ridiculous divorce saga continues. Alec is now accusing Kim of giving their daughter Ireland specially made chocolates with messages written inside the wrappers, meant to turn the young girl against her father, such as "To my daughter Ireland, who gave me the strength, courage and tenacity to stand up for myself... Mom." If she really wanted to turn the kid off to her father, she would've just included the photo above inside the candy wrappers.

Even if Kim is doing something this insane and malicious, she's still a lot nicer that our parents. Growing up, our candies had much more disturbing messages inside. You know, like "You're adopted," or "We prefer your brother," or "You have diabetes. Enjoy your coma." Then again, perhaps communicating via candy really is a much sweeter (ha!) way to deliver bad news. If this catches on, we're sure a lot of dudes will begin to dread the day they get a Whitman's Sampler from a Courtney Love or Paris Hilton. But, at least they'll have some delicious candy.

Angelina Jolie Continues Being Every Man's Dream

"[Angelina Jolie] is beautiful. Her mouth is amazing. I've never kissed anyone with a bigger mouth than Angelina. It's like two water beds - it's like this big kind of warm, mushy, beautiful thing."

This is a direct quotation from Jenny Shimizu, supposedly Angelina Jolie's lesbian lover of ten years. Jenny goes on to say that she doesn't see an end to her relationship with Angelina, and doesn't think there will be. Looks like it's an extremely Merry Christmas for Brad Pitt. Finally, Santa will be bringing him that threesome he's always wanted.

One has to wonder if Jennifer Aniston will try to up the ante in her fauxlationship with Vince Vaughn. We can already see the next cover of US Weekly: "Shocker! Friends tell of Jen and Vince's kinky sex romps! Jen gets freaky in the missionary position!"

R.I.P. Richard Pryor, 1940-2005

Comedy legend Richard Pryor died Saturday of a heart attack. Happy Monday, kids.

09 December 2005

Worst. Post. Ever. This Week.

It's just one of those days where we can't really find anything in the news to talk about. Hell, our first post only made the cut because it was such a nice segue from yesterday's news. Hey, speaking of yesterday's news, here's something we read yesterday that wasn't exciting enough to make the cut then, but tripled in value when set amidst the wasteland of today's gossip over K Fed's new truck. You see, in the wild n' crazy world of blogging, yesterday's trash is today's not-quite-trash. This is what happens when the designation for an activity isn't even a real word.

Enough filibustering. We've already managed to stretch a day-old IMDb blurb that was three sentences into a post of respectable length, although not of respectable content. Did we say "enough filibustering" already? Okay, well, we really mean it, now. Seriously. Starting nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow...

Darren Aronofsky is using his Hollywood clout to demand he be allowed to direct an episode of Lost. If you don't know who Aronofsky is, go fuck yourself go hang out with a couple of film school students for about ten minutes. We would be more excited about this, but we sort of...don't watch Lost. Okay, okay. We did force ourselves to watch a couple of episodes the first season because of all the hype, and they were vaguely compelling. But, they weren't compelling enough for us to start giving a shit about that show in earnest. Basically, our reaction was "Alright. That was kind of good. Now we never need to watch it again."

How did this turn into LTNA's review of Lost? Whatever. The point is, this news is interesting enough that we'll delude ourselves into thinking this episode of the show will be so obviously Aronofsky, and not-at-all homogenized in order to maintain the Lost aesthetic, that it will be worth both our time and TiVo space. It's set to air in May, and will likely be the season finale, like CSI did with Tarantino this year (coincidentally, the only episode of CSI we've ever watched). This will be the ultimate test of our ability to suspend our disbelief, because we'll be disbelieving that Lost kind of sucks for up to an hour. Maybe he'll sneak in just one little heroin overdose. That'd be kind of worth it.

Deck the Halls with Skanks and Slut-bags

'Tis the season for inappropriate holiday decorations, it seems. After the significantly more humorous "hanging Santa" display we mentioned yesterday, comes news of some idiot's Paris Hilton Christmas shrine (pictured-- no, seriously, that's a part of it), featuring "sexual and explicit photos" of the heirhead.

This particular ass bandit's locale is Rhode Island, although he was arrested last year for trespassing on Martha Stewart's property in Maine. So, yeah, that should give you an indication of his mental state, if the fact that he built a fucking Christmas shrine for Paris Hilton didn't already.

Maybe this shrine will do some good after all, and modernize the mythology of the holiday. Kids will soon begin to fear finding a prescription for Valtrex along with a tube of topical cream, rather than the traditional lump of coal in their stockings as punishment for their naughty behavior.

08 December 2005

We All Celebrate in Different Ways

A Florida man has had an interesting take on his choice for a Christmas display, and it's upsetting his neighbors. Namely, he has a blindfolded Santa hanging from a noose, with his feet and hands bound with wire. The neighbors are complaining because children can plainly see it, but the five-O can't do anything because the dude is protected under the First Amendment.

We were really glad to hear that the First Amendment is still good for something, after neighbors had started complaining about our own xmas display (pictured). But hey, those kids were going to have to learn about the spirit of Christmas sooner or later anyway, so we're really doing those parents a service...while also exercising our civic duty to completely beguile what is perhaps our most sacred Amendment. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

We're the First to Admit We Suck

It is a pretty big loss to comedy that this lede doesn't refer to Michael Jackson, which is what we'd first assumed.

Breaking Up Is the New Adopting an AIDS Orphan

So, first we hear about the heartbreaking end of Paris and Paris. Then, Nick and Jessica. Then, Britney and K Fed. Then, as soon as we take a moment to come to terms with our intense self-loathing over the fact that we refer to these people on a first name basis, we get the news that Nicole and AM are over.

Oh, cruel fate! Why must the beautiful and eating disordered suffer like us of average looks and build? Is is because they dared to soar too close to the sun? Okay, that doesn't really make sense, but it sounded so nice and dramatic. We will admit we're slightly more surprised by this breakup than any of the aforementioned ones, but only because we'd figure Nicole would follow through with at least six months of marriage, just to stick it to Paris. Ah well. Que sera, sera, or some bullshit.

07 December 2005

Mel Gibson Keeping Things Light

Now that people are pretty much over the whole Passion thing, Mel Gibson is setting out to prove wrong all the naysayers who called him an anti-Semite. He's planning a miniseries based on the story of some real Holocaust survivors.

Actually, this doesn't really bode well, at all. If anything, this miniseries may, very well, prove all the naysayers right. After all, Gibson has never abjured his father's denial of the Holocaust, let alone his own. We can already see Gibson grilling some poor aging Jews over "what really happened," demanding they admit that Birkenau was just a "very exclusive fitness camp." Mel probably thinks this miniseries is the ultimate PR gesture, his way of saying "Okay, maybe it kind of happened, but let's not talk about such unpleasantries in front of Dad."

Shoo, Shoo, Retarded Flu!

That lede up there is more than a semi-obscure Howard Stern reference. Rather, it echoes our very own sentiment over the last few days, as we fell ill to the flu sometime on Friday. We knew we shouldn't have partied with all those birds Friday night, but we can't say "no" to six handles of call-brand spirits.

On the plus side, we got to miss two days of work this week. On the minus side, we've spent the last four days chugging Dayquil and Nyquil as appropriate, and reminiscing tearfully over our college days of doing that for recreation, rather than out of necessity. Nevertheless, we return to you, our head and body aches subsided enough to drag ourselves to the keyboard and resume our half-assed posting of third-hand news. We flatter ourselves in thinking anyone noticed our absence; but we sure did miss you, butternuts.

02 December 2005

It's Our Blog and We'll Plug If We Want to

This SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Howard Stern will be featured in an in-depth piece on 60 Minutes. We don't usually make a point of watching 60 Minutes, and cant' say we've ever even seen a full episode. Being "aware of things" is overrated, anyhow.

But, we will break our usual Sunday routine of watching 5-10 episodes of Degrassi Junior High in a row, followed by a Bloody Mary-fueled temper tantrum over the realization we have to go to work the next day, just to tune in to see Howard trying not cry in front of Ed Bradley. Howard's been talking about this on the show for weeks, so it should be interesting for any loyal listener, and probably moreso for any Stern-hater.

Aside from his recent Letterman appearance, this is the first of many publicity stops Stern has planned for his move to Sirius, including an appearance on SNL on the 10th. But, only the 60 Minutes crew spent two frigging weeks following Howard around, so it should be pretty extensive. Watch it. Or, you could say "fuck that, and fuck you" and go do something else that day, we guess. That's fine. It's not like we're getting paid to do this.

If You Give a Slut a Record...

We're sure you guys are still rocking out to that clip of K Fed's single we linked to a few weeks ago, but y'all really ain't ready for this: Paris Hilton belting out some of her amazing tunes (pictured).

This MySpace page is her official one, supposedly. And we believe it. The four songs featured are from her upcoming album, and no one can fake talent-deficiency like this. We've been dreading this since the initial reports of Paris' desire to put out an album, but our morbid curiosity forced us to have a listen. You know you want to. If you listen for less than a minute, we promise it will only destroy as many brain cells as drinking an entire keg by yourself. Of course, this is a lot less fun than that, and you don't get a free stomach-pumping with Paris' album, either. Just sayin'.

[Thanks to D Listed for the link.]

UPDATE 12/8/05: It seems the semi-legit "official" Paris Hilton page has been replaced with an obviously fake "official" page. For those who missed out, tough titties. Hot hand in the link-game, bitches.

So, "WWW.ParisHilton.STD" Is Still Available?

It looks like the creation of a .porn or .xxx domain isn't going to happen just yet. So, it'll remain relatively easy to "accidentally" stumble onto porn sites ("Won't somebody please think of the children?"), when you're doing your normal internet searches for "gardening hoes AND dikes." No word yet on the plans for the .perv and .thisdoesntmakemegay domains. We'll keep you abreast of any news.

01 December 2005

For Once, Stop Being a Douche

Today is World AIDS Day, so this website is donating $1 for every "candle" lit. When we went, they were still a few thousand "candles" away from their $100,000 max, so take a couple seconds and Do Some Good of the instant gratification/ little-to-no-effort-on-your-part variety. 'Cause it's for AIDS. And we fucking hate that shit. So, as Jay said in Mallrats, "DO IT DOUG!"

[Thanks to Just Jared for the link!]

One Good Turn Deserves Another, Even if the First Wasn't Very Good*

Yes. Yes, it should. Fucking it up intentionally would be kind of a dick move, after all.

[*We swear, it's just a coincidence that in our routine perusal of Google News headlines, we find two of them in one day that are just too good to ignore, let alone one that relates to an old post. We really did wrestle with our integrity for a good 40 seconds when trying to decide if we would descend to the depths of mediocrity and do two of the same gag in a row. But then, we realized we have no integrity, and can only aspire to mediocrity. Thanks for stopping by!]

So, When Do They Go to the Wizard School?

Admit it. You've missed our "Google News does something wacky" bits. In any case, when we first read this lede, we took it completely literally. You can imagine the ensuing excitement. It was only when we read further that we discovered, much to our chagrin, that it will be the movies themselves doing the proverbial dueling, rather than rival popes, you know, actually dueling in a series of movies. We're not to proud to admit we'd imagined horses and wands would be involved.

Still, we cannot ignore the fact that Fox News has pitched the blockbuster hit of 2006, inadvertently. Can you imagine how awesome an action/adventure pope movie would be? We're starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it. Fox would be stupid not to make this gem. Someone call Peter Jackson to direct. We couldn't get past the first installment of that Lord of the Rings crap, but this is truly movie magic in the making!