31 August 2005

Things with More Appeal.4

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to provide the ritualistic filler of fresh blog material that is "Things with More Appeal." Now, we have to tell you that this week's Thing was not intentioned to be FX Network's show Rescue Me, pictured at left. The Thing this week is FX's new show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. However, after a rigorous (read: cursory) internet search, we were unable to find a still of the show to put here, or even a decent photo of one of the actors. So, we went with a still from Rescue Me because that show rocks our proverbial socks too, so we're killing two birds here.

Sunny is about these three dudes and an obligatory token chick (who does a pretty good job, actually), who run a dive bar in Philly. FX, the designated "edgy" network du jour definitely delivers, yet again. After all, by calling themselves "FX," they are presumably meant to be thought of as "FOX TO THE XTREME." At least, that's the back-story we've crafted after one too many Mountain Dew: Code Reds mixed with Bacardi (a cocktail we've christened the "Mountain Don't").

Each week "the gang" gets into various situations which elicit comedic consequences. (Por ejemplo, the pilot was titled "The Gang Gets Racist." These guys have charm to spare!) We think there's a term for shows that do this thing where "comedy" arises from a seemingly banal "situation," but we're not sure. The show is about six episodes in, and they're going pretty strong. We're already at a point where we genuinely look forward to the new episodes, which isn't true for 98% of teevee (but is true for about 98% of FX's original programming).

So, um, yeah. You should watch it. Because it's fuckin good. And, like, so is Rescue Me. Um. That's all.

He Also Enjoys Bald Eagles' Eggs for Brekkie

Andre 3000, once voted PETA's "Sexiest Male Vegetarian" is planning to popularize wearing real gray wolf tails as accessories, when he launches (yet another unnecessary) celebrity clothing line. Incidentally, the wolves are endangered.

"I'm a vegan, but I like to look good too," is Dre's retort to those dorkwads who think this mars an incredibly stellar career and media persona, putting him in the Britney Spears echelon of shameless idiocy. You know, those losers who have always loved Outkast and thought they used to set a great example, but just don't realize that finishing off an endangered species is integral to "looking good." Those lame-oes just don't get it.

Breaking: Nobody Is Gay in Hollywood!

Didyouhearohmygoddidyouhear? So like, Orlando is totally running around on Kate with Kirsten. Like, they were totally all over each other at the mixer-- erm, VMAs, like RIGHT after he was hooking up with Sienna last month! OMG! And Kirsten is like, an uber slut because she was totally with Jake just a few days ago, like they were back together, and then she like, makes out with 'Lando in Miami! God! Why is she even popular? What a b-to-the-itch!

Okay, enough of that. Hollywood publicists are really quite cheeky, sometimes. For instance, imagine you have a Hot Young Actor who is clearly a homo to anyone with eyes, but who doesn't understand why posing for a picture like the one above might betray this secret. To make things worse, he's had a very public break-up with his "girlfriend," likely because she was hungry for some deep-dickin that HYA, even with the aid of his acting skills and the most durable of brown paper bags, was unable to provide without throwing up for two hours at a stretch.

Then, you have a pug fugly starlet who is already known to have been dating another very likely closeted young H'wood Hunk. Wouldn't it be a great ruse if the most hideous actress/ most famous beard in La La Land could reprise her most famous role anew, and quell the rumors that HYA is gay, while simultaneously providing a very non-gay reason for HH to be newly single? Wouldn't it?

Now that we've thoroughly descended into the madness that must consume Ted Casablanca's daily existence, we're going to ensure a return to normalcy by sticking needles in our eyes. See you later-- or not! Ha!

It Was Time for a Fix. Admit It.

This is getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous. Courtney Love is saying she wasn't making shit up after all, when she said she was pregnant by Steve Coogan, recently. Bad news for Coogan, indeed, as the article quotes Courtney in Britain's News of the World (an extremely reputable paper) saying she hasn't even told him yet. We're sure this is the ideal way for him to find out.

Love says she's been "really unslutty" lately, and hasn't gotten nasty with anyone but the Coog in the last year. She also seems to want to keep the child, as she's getting on in years, and may not have a chance to have another kid. More to the point, her insides are probably so toxic, it's a wonder she was able to get knocked-up in the first place, leaving aside the fact that Coogan must have been inconceivably drugged-up to be able to get wood for Courtney Love. We're talking Jagger-status, drugged-up, cuz that bitch is busted. Actually, if anyone can put us in touch with Steve's dealer, hook it up. Evidently, he gets the good shit.

Anyway, we're sure we'll have to retract this retraction retraction in a couple days. See you then!

...To Protect and Self-Serve

With all the fucked up shit going on in New Orleans, people have started looting. It's only natural. But get this: Cops have started looting, too! We're not terribly surprised by this, we're just surprised they're getting caught. Come to think of it, the article makes no mention of any officers' names... or any penalties being levied against them... So, wait. We've watched The Shield, we know what goes down "in the streets." What makes this any different from the crooked shit pigs get away with daily?

Oh, right. The rain.

30 August 2005

Foxx Has Killer Set at VMA After-party

We thought that our O.J. joke from earlier was in poor taste-- although, pretty much any O.J. joke is bound to be a faux pas. But then, we saw that Jaime Foxx outdid us at Ocean Drive's party after the VMAs. Per Page Six:

"After spotting Simpson, Foxx grabbed a mic and yelled, "It's a killer party — O.J.'s here!" He then commanded the crowd to "Do the O.J." while making a stabbing motion."

Things became even more awkward when JonBenet Ramsey's parents showed up, and Foxx jumped on the piano and performed an impromptu song called "You Can't Prove a Thing." He then started "Doing the Ramsey," which consisted of strangling Hillary Duff, as she was the closest thing to a six-year-old wearing too much makeup at the party.

Next, They'll Be Saying the Lion Was Straight

It really is true that you learn something new every day, especially with trusty Google News. We honestly had no idea that Dorothy was a Cuban militant. And it's extra fucked-up that at a time like this, when she's already getting shafted on some asylum by The Man, some asshole steals her slippers from Oz. Let's just hope she doesn't go "take a nap in the poppy field" to ease her sorrows.

Verizon Guy to Kill Self in September

Finally, those of you who are still rocking polyphonic versions of "Get Low" as your ringtone will have a chance to upgrade. (We know that's not just us. You know who you are.) All the nerd rags are reporting that Apple is going to announce in September that they are teaming-up with Cingular to allow people to use the iTunes software to play ringtones for certain models of Motorola phones. For now, neither Apple nor Cingular is commenting on this googlesqueness of this announcement. Sure, this type of technological advancement isn't "necessary" or "helpful to mankind," but it is pretty pimp. And at the end of the day, all that matters is the pimp-factor of whatever is being discussed. We should ask ourselves not "What would Jesus do?" Rather, we must ask ourselves, "How would Jesus pimp?" And clearly, that would be by pairing iTunes with Cingular.

Okay, Hollywood Sucks Slightly Less

This is pretty sweet. Judd Apatow (the guy who co-wrote and directed The 40-Year-Old Virgin) has made a deal with Universal to write and direct another "off-beat" romantic comedy. This one will star Seth Rogan, who has been overlooked since Freak and Geeks, a dope but short-lived show he worked on with Judd a few years ago. Look at Judd up there. He's totally stoked.

Judd is keeping quiet about what this flick is going to be about exactly, but coming off the heels of a high-concept movie like Virgin, we can only imagine what type of zany protagonist he has in mind:

- "Mussolini in Love"
- "The 12-Year-Old Pederast"
- "Rumsfeld Goes to San Francisco"
- "The Flaccid Sex Addict"
- "O.J. and Nicole: The Early Years"

Whatever he goes with, we're sure the next stop on the unstoppable Apatow Express will be Hilarityville. All aboard!

(BTW, after that "all aboard" nonsense, there is no possible way you can be more sickened by us than we are by ourselves. Just setting the record straight.)

29 August 2005

Why We Hate Britney, Reason #894,262

If you were on the fence about whether you think Britney Spears is a vapid, disgusting, stupid, skanky bitch, here's an interesting tidbit: Mrs. K-Fed likes to bully 13-year-old girls, when in a Cheetos-fueled rage. Page Six is reporting that on the set of her sister's retarded show, BritBrit yelled at one of the show's co-stars, reducing the little girl to tears over some bullshit between the two tweeners. What's worse is the girl was a fan of Britney's, and has all of her albums (kids are dumb that way), so it was, like, hella fucked up to get yelled at by her idol. A bit of advice: If you're going to be stupid and fat, you probably shouldn't throw mean on top of that whole sundae. Good luck reviving your "career" after the baby, B.

Put Your Fucking Pencils Down

There's this British high school that's gonna let their students drop f-bombs in class, as long as they don't say it more than five times. If they go over, they get "spoken" to at the end of the lesson. We guess "The dog ate my homework, Mr. Robbins" is going to be replaced with a simple "Fuck off, Mr. Robbins."

We have to wonder what the school policy is on "shit," "cunt" and the rest of The Seven Dirty. For that matter, what other interesting policies is this school going to come up with?

-"You cannot fuck an underage student more than five times in exchange for a good grade."

-"You cannot fuck said student up-the-butt more than two of those five times."

-"You cannot substitute a wet t-shirt contest for a class exam more than six times."

-"You cannot substitue Hat Day for Banana-Hammock Day more than twice a year."

We're sure the kids will follow the new rule diligently. There's nothing more terrifying than getting "spoken" to.

26 August 2005

Dante Smith Mos Definitely Loves Poon

Page Six is saying that Mos Def is five different women's baby-daddy, and that he has two wives. While many are probably seeing this as bad publicity, we take this news as newfound encouragement in our quest to be Mos' baby-mama. Or, one of them, at least. Who knew he accepted so many applicants? It's a good day to be a groupie.

Chimp Has Monkey-like Addiction to Smoking

Since we've already done one post anthropomorphizing primates this week, we figured we might as well do another.

A chimp in a Chinese zoo can't give up her ciggs. The 26-year-old chimp has been smoking for 15 years, and it only got worse when her mate died, recently (doesn't it always!). She started smoking by picking up dropped stoags from zoo visitors. Her keepers are trying to get her to quit by giving her milk. Yes, milk. Apparently these keepers haven't heard of Nicorette.

We have to admit, we kind of hope she keeps it going and has to get one of those voice boxes. Can you imagine a chimp shrieking through a voice box, smoking Virginia Slims through a hole in her throat? Adorable!

Ohio College Student Mistakes Roommate's Face for Wrinkled Shirt

One college freshman decided to give her roommate a lesson in ultraviolence by beating the shit out of her with a clothing iron. The psycho-bitch fractured the roommate's skull. Did we mention the iron was on during the attack?

The University Police Chief had some really sharp insight into the incident:

"You have two young ladies that go off to college with an expectation of obtaining an education and hopefully having a good time, and they're not here a week and one of them is severely injured and the other ends up in jail. [...] That's not the way it's supposed to go."

Well put, Chief. This certainly is not the way it's supposed to go. Personally, whenever we were having roommate problems in college, we would draw a line down the middle of the room, and made sure she stayed on her side, and we'd stay on ours. Of course, hilarity would ensue, and we'd make up again within 27 minutes (plus commercials). College was sweet!

Damn. That's Fucked-up.

Russia, already known for suffering, has reached a new level of depressing shit. Health officials are saying that the number of abortion procedures has surpassed the number of births in the impoverished country, by about 100,000. And that's just counting the 1.6 million abortions that they know about. We're all for women's rights at LTNA, but it's just such a staggering stat. This is a rare occasion where there isn't any punchline (aside from the wildly inappropriate picture above), just something to think about.

Sheesh. We need a drink.

Sharks Are A-Holes

It seems that when puppies and kittens are in short supply, sharks are keen to attack 12-year-olds, even when they're relatively close to the shore. This is what happened to one boy who nearly lost his foot Friday to some douche-bag shark. The kid punched the shark in the face, and managed to free himself. He should heal quickly enough to play sports again and all that good stuff.

We guess that old saying is true: "When a shark is trying to eat your foot, you gotta punch that bastard in the nose if you wanna keep playing football." Mom was right all along.

Hollywood Sucks

Tinsel Town is set to ruin another good thing before its time. (Jaysus-- did we just lede with "Tinsel Town"?) Steve Carell, who we have liked since The Daily Show and loved since Anchorman, is one the fast-track to overexposure and career sabotage by starring in the sequel to Bruce Almighty, currently called Evan Almighty. The plot involves Carell having to build an ark because of a coming flood.


We can understand why Carell's (idiotic) handlers might think this is a good move, since Bruce has been cited by some (morons) as Stevie's "breakthrough" role. Our carefully crafted retort to that argument is "what-fucking-ever, dude." We can only hope that this project (which both Jim Carrey and Jennifer Aniston have passed on-- not that that's any indication of the project's quality!), will have a development so hellish it'll die in the water. Or if things keep going the way they are out here in H'wood, maybe we just will, aided by our trusty bathtub and hair-crimper. That's right bitches, we still rock crimped hair. Don't be mad cuz you don't gotz our flava!

25 August 2005

Brad is the New Tom

When Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally admit they're knockin' da boots and stop playing Jay-Z & Beyonce's "No, Really! We're Not Fuckin Each Other!" game (available from Milton Bradley), don't expect Brad to ruin his image by "doing the Cruise." Tyler Durden is trying to hire Pat Kingsley (the publicist Cruise had for some 20 years and then fired shortly before showing us he's been completely batshit all along-- erm, we mean, before revealing that he's in love with "this woman"/"Kate" Holmes). The idea is for Brangelina to break the news that everyone already knows in the most tasteful way. The key word here is "strategery." Let's just hope B.P doesn't make an ill-advised decision to sack Kingsley in a few years because he's "completely in love" with Mayim Bialik or some other obscure former teen star. But, maybe we're being glib.

Google News Sort of Racist

Oh no they "diddn't." This screenshot from Google News reveals that they apparently don't know the diff between Sean "It's Just 'Diddy,' Now" Combs and R. "Doo Doo Butter" Kelly. We all look the same to you, Google News, don't we?

Finger Lickin' Good

Four oversexed staffers were fired from Food Network chef Mario Batali's restaurant, Bistro Du Vent, last week. They were caught on security cameras having an orgy.

That's a hell of a way to go, we have to say. How do you explain to future employers why you left your last job? "Well, things didn't quite 'pan out' [chuckles at pun] at Bistro because they finally found out why I used quotation-fingers every time I said the words 'cream sauce.'" Gross.

In related news, Batali has had to delay the release of his latest grocery store product "Mario's Man-Mustard" until the heat dies on this incident.

In Case You Didn't Already Hate the French

Celebrities like to bitch about stuff to make themselves feel important, like they're Doing Some Good and all. You know, Pamela Anderson, Sean Penn and the like. Brigitte Bardot is no exception. However, her "cause" is of a unique type of evil. An evil so evil it's like a caricature of evil. She is calling for French fishermen to stop using puppies and kittens as shark bait. That this problem is ubiquitous enough to warrant a campaign against it is appalling. To us, the news here wasn't that she's calling for an end to this, the news here was that PEOPLE ARE DOING THIS.

Puppies and kittens?! For shark bait?! Honestly, that's so ghastly it's almost impressive. Try to think of something that's so equally cruel and unnecessarily decadent at the same time. Go ahead. We dare you. After this news, we'll be ordering our sharkburger with American fries at lunch today, thank you very much.

Scientists Turn-out Cats, Prove Pimp Hand Strong

Some mad scientists got together and cloned a few African wildcats a while ago. Then, they took some unrelated clones, and let them get freaknasty without protection (the cats like it raw), just to see what would happen.

(This is the part that's actually news.) Well, the two female cats got knocked up, and had healthy litters. This is fucking insane: Clones can successfully reproduce naturally, which leaves huge implications with regard to saving endangered species, not to mention a host of other possible ways for man to keep playing God. Someone better call Sam Neill because apparently, no, we haven't learned anything from Jurassic Park.

And now, a cheap shot:

Q: What do you get when cross-clone a praying mantis with syphilis?

A: Paris Hilton!

(SFX: Rimshot)

You folks have yourselves a nice night! We'll be here all week!

24 August 2005

Things with More Appeal.3

We can't believe it's already time for another posting of "Things with More Appeal." We're going to stick with pop culture, and delay discussing high art for as long as possible. (We're trying to keep you from discovering we were never much for book learnin', but we've already said too much!)

This week's item was selected on a bit of a whim, but it is very dear to us. Mallrats, directed by Kevin Smith, is our most favorite K.S. flick-- by far. Many people, including Smith himself, have dismissed Mallrats as a crap movie. Some consider it the weakest link in the "New Jersey Trilogy." But people who say these things obviously don't know what the shit they're talking about, and know fuck-all about comedy. Fuck those cocks! MALLRATS IS FREAKIN' AWESOME! YOU AIN'T BAD! YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'!

Ahem. Moving on.

More importantly, it features Brodie Bruce, the greatest character ever captured on film. Okay, well, maybe there's The Dude, also-- but that's it. Jason Lee is brilliant in this role, and no one else could ever have played this part so perfectly. We had every intention of stalking and marrying Jason Lee as a direct result of this movie. Then he became a Scientologist.

In any case, the selection of this Thing is serendipitous, as it just so happens it is the 10 year anniversary of the movie's release, and a stupid-fly edition of the DVD is set for release Sept. 20.

But fret not, punnkin! We already have the older (shittier) version of the DVD, so you won't have to wait to see it. Just swing by tonight and we'll have one of our sleep-overs. I promise the apartment will smell slightly less like cat pee, this time. Also, we have a confession: Last time, that wasn't really cat pee.

'Nuff Said

Fuck Yeah!

We just mentioned yesterday that Google would be launching their own IM service. Well it's fucking up and running already! Or at least, there's a beta version for people who already have Gmail accounts, right here. Dope shit, darling, truly a cool thing. You really ought to drop us a line sometime. Our Google Talk name is, as you may have guessed, "Little to No Appeal." Talk dirty to us. We'll be waiting.

"Dish Network"? So, Is That Like, DirecTV?

Do you know anyone who has Dish Network Satellite TV? We didn't think so. In a ridiculously desperate publicity stunt, EchoStar Satellite Television, the company behind Dish Network, is offering any town (even yours!) the chance to get 10 years of free satellite from Dish. All said town has to do is one little favor in exchange: Change the name of the town to "DISH," legally and permanently. EchoStar has specified that they want all caps, but changing it to the somewhat less spunky "Dish" is still negotiable. At least we know they're reasonable chaps over at Echo, as the original marketing plan was to rename the town "D-TO-THE-ISH, BOOOYEEEEEEE!!!" It tooks weeks to get the execs to agree to remove the exclamation points, alone.

You've got to love a country where merchants can choose to execute outrageous (and horrifically tacky) promotions, rather than improve their goods or services to warrant a deserved increase in sales. After all, this post alone is giving a really shitty company free publicity. Yay capitalism!

23 August 2005

A Quick Game of "Blogophone"

This shit is just fucking hilarious. We try to avoid posting third-hand news (i.e., blogging about blogs), but this is too good. At the risk of losing you to a superior time-waster, we hand you a post from the Mt. Olympus of the blogging world, Gawker.

Here's the gist: If you grew up in New York, you know anyone aged 20 or higher will most certainly remember the days of Doppler 4 on NBC local news. Already a technological marvel (in 1989, anyway), we weren't quite prepared when they upgraded exponentially to Doppler 4000 during the 90s. As Gawker points out, this was probably a preemptive strike against comeptish in the Doppler superiority race amongst network meteorology departments.

But here's where it really starts to get ridiculous. CBS 2 has just revealed Doppler 2 MILLION. No, seriously. 2 Million. We have no idea how they plan to casually refer to this monstrosity while keeping a straight face, but the chance to witness the attempt alone makes us yearn to move back east.

Not to be outdone, the WB is developing "Doppler Eleventy Billion," which doubles as a cryogenic freezing facility. Stay tuned!

C. Love Stories Habit-Forming, "Gateway Post"

We know, we know. Another one. Indulge us.

Okay, so 'member how we had said that Courtney Love was all preggers and shit? Well, just kidding! Surprisingly, Mrs. Cobain was just making shit up (shocking, we know!), when she said that the Limey had planted his seed in her treacherous womb. Her fictional baby-daddy, Steve Coogan, has had his reps clear the whole thing up with the BBC (class all the way, Coog), calling the claim "nonsense." But, it is true that the two-- C-cubed, as we like to call them, were indeed sexin' at the Sunset Marquis for a couple of weeks, recently. Apparently the consequences of that romp didn't extend beyond the usual mysterious rash, coupled with a burning sensation during urination, also known as the "Courtney Love Box Lunch" (you bet your ass that pun was intended). Kudos, Coogan!

And thusly, order is restored. It was fun while it lasted. Call us jaded, but we would've loved to see the train wreck this kid would've grown up to be. Well, we guess there's always Frances Bean.

Yikes. That was too dark, even for us. Sorry Kurt! Let's change that to "there's always Preston Spears Federline." Ah. That's better.


So, there's a new way Google plans to take over our lives and shatter all competition (by offering quality products and services, not the douche-bag, Bill Gates way). They're going to launch their own instant messaging service, "Google Talk"-- you know, like AIM and the rest. Granted, the name is almost as gay as Batman and Robin, but calling their email service "Gmail" out-pimps the lame factor of their IM name sufficiently (we would've gone with O-Gmail, but whatever). It may even happen as early as this week, supposedly, which would be freakin' sweet. Tee hee hee! We can totally imagine the looks on the faces of AOL and Yahoo execs upon hearing this news:


*Dying to know about those last two acronyms, aren't ya? Slake your thirst.

So, That's Like, a Billion Pennies?

50 Cent (rapstar, metaphor for change) is suing a Philly car dealer for using his likeness in some print ads, and "trademark hijacking." He's suing for $1 mil, over what's a pretty crap ad, in all honesty. Who really thought that if someone reading the paper is on the fence about buying a car that day, the one thing that will convince them to go to Gary Barbera's Dodge and get a "hooked-up" Magnum is the phrase "Just like 50 says!" Oh wait, but there was that awesome picture of 50, too. Shit. You have us there, 'cause that totally sells it.

Gone are the days when he would simply bust a cap in their ass over a trespass like this (classic Fiddy!). No, with fame and fortune comes the natural transition from being a wanted felon to being a litigous a-hole with a team of high-powered lawyers. Sweet role-reversal, you temptress! Our favorite thing about the lawsuit is where the filing says 50 is "known for his good looks." Those lawyers should do stand-up!

22 August 2005

Monkeys Go Ape for Slots

We already knew that monkeys= a good time. And, the only thing better than a bunch of monkeys is a bunch of drunk and/or stoned monkeys. But, a new study promises previously untold possibilities of hilarity: drunken, stoner monkeys with a gambling problem. A study at Duke University, wherein monkeys were given the chance to gamble to receive juice rewards in varying amounts, or pick the "safe" option which gave the same amount of juice every time, showed the monkeys overwhelmingly preferred to roll the dice, as it were. The scienticians plan to use this data to learn more about gambling addiction and other boring stuff.

If you ask us, this study just reaffirms via monkey what we already knew, regarding why humans like to gamble: That shit is fun! We can't wait to head to Vegas with an actual barrel of monkeys. Slutty monkeys.

Actress Significantly More Fucked Up Than Before

If you're anything like us, the news of Natasha Lyonne being "found" in Beth Israel Hospital last week was doubly significant, as we were unaware that she had been missing in the first place. Well evidently, that Bermuda Triangle she fell into was a pretty fucked up place, because N.L. came out of it with a collapsed lung, a heart infection, track marks and Hepatitis C, according to today's reports. And those are probably just the appetizers. Maybe that "Bermuda Triangle" was just Tommy Lee's pants. They're not yet saying whether heroin addiction is to blame for the Hep, let alone the methadone they're giving her. But, that's a lot like saying you're unsure if your steady diet of bacon smoothies is to blame for an unexpected 80 lb. weight gain.

Geez, Nat-a-tat-tat. We didn't realize things had gotten so bad for ya. You know your shit's fucked up when Tara Reid's life looks put-together, by comparison.

Love Gets Visited by Crack-Stork

Okay, so we know we ended last week with C. Love, but this is really out of our hands. With the amount of shit going down in Courtney Love's life lately, you'd think she had a new reality series coming out. She's about two incidents away from a sex tape. Then again, a Courtney Love sex tape would be kind of redundant, since about 80% of everyone in the world has had sex with her live and in-person, (hey, it was the 90s!). And, come to think of it, a Courtney Love reality show is a really brilliant idea, actually. It would make Whitney and Bobby's look like the The Cosby Show. It could be called "You Have Crabs Now." Just spit-balling, here.

But, let's get to the point: Courtney's knocked-up! Just when we were lamenting how predictable the latest reports were-- failed drug tests, rehab, etc., good ol' Courtney throws a curve ball at us. Apparently, the father is that guy who played Tony Wilson in 24 Hour Party People. We definitely did not see this one coming. Well played, Courtney. Well played.

19 August 2005

We Guess, If We Have to...: The Sequel

For what it's worth, it's not that we're lazy, okay? It's just been a really lame day/ days, and there's nothing really rant-inspiring. Today just happens to be a record low, with a mere two posts. Of course, since LTNA isn't even a full two weeks old yet, we're fairly certain we can trounce that statistic in due time. But, before we fully check out for the weekend, here's a bit of "news." Luckily, we always have the old-standbys, Courtney Love and Michael Jackson for blog fodder. This post concerns the former, as you may have guessed from our handy little picture.

We already know CL failed that drug test. Well, now she's finally admitted her drug use, and has been ordered to the customary 28 days in rehab. So, we've got a good, oh, 29 days at the least, before we hear about Courtney defecating on Michael J. Fox's lawn because she had "too many bran muffins." (Why did we go with Michael J. Fox, of all people, on that one? Ah, well. Don't question the Muse.)

Holy Reach-Around, Batman!

New York painter Mark Chamberlain is getting some guff from DC Comics over his series of "gay Batman" watercolors. The paintings were shown by art dealer Kathleen Cullen, and DC wants to confiscate the unsold paintings, not to mention get the invoices for the ones that were already sold (probably to track them down and take them back from the owners).

If you've ever seen the Adam West Batman TV series from the 70s, you are likely as surprised as we are that a few watercolor paintings could possibly be considered even gayer than that. Then again, maybe we're just being closed minded. In fact, we've just decided that wearing underpants on top of leggings, with a cape, mask and an underage same-sex companion is as hetero as it gets. Just ask Michael Jackson.

18 August 2005

Catholicism Faces Competition in Siring Drunks*

Some Japanese company is making beer for kids. It's non-alcoholic, though. So basically, it's O'Douls, which blows. The reasoning behind "Kidsbeer": "Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink," says the company slogan.

It seems to us that giving Timmy some bullshit non-alcoholic beer is only going to exacerbate the situation. That 9 year-old is a mean drunk, and he will cut you if you fuck around with his Schlitz. Another news flash-- those weren't Pixie Sticks he was snorting in the bathroom at Koi.

[*We know this is the third slam against Catholics within the last two weeks. We can't help ourselves. It's just so easy! Kind of like beating up a retard, and then taking his Lil' Debbie snack and Capri Sun that one time in third grade. Not that we've done that.]

Blair Not Hitlerific Enough, Poll Says

1,000 business leaders placed Adolph Hitler above Tony Blair in a recent poll on the most impressive leaders in history. Ze feuhrer was ranked 20th, and Blair was 25th. Ouch.

We have to admit, Hitler's just plain cuddlier too. It's hard to pull off cuddly while spearheading one of the biggest genocides in history. Impressive, indeed. Maybe if Tony grows one of those Hitler 'staches, he can move up a few notches. Look at him up there. He's totally thinking about it.

And Now, Gratiutious Eye Candy

No real post here (still feeling sloshed). Just some hotness. A lot of fucking hotness, actually. That shit is seriously ricockulous. Click the pic for a better view. You know you want to. Hot. As. Balls.

Jakey, the camera loves ya.

Get Your Droogs

We're just going to be honest, and let you know from the first post that it's a slow news day. More to the point, we are extremely hungover/ still wasted from last night. We just keep forgetting that beer is not a suitable alternative to actual food for dinner, no matter how savory the brew. But, in the event you are actually bored enough to be reading LTNA today, we owe it to you to put something vaguely interesting up. We just love you that much. Here it goes:

Apparently, "Don't try this at home" is not a phrase that extends to beating the shit out of homeless people with baseball bats after watching Bumfights on DVD, as a couple of no-goodnick young punks allegedly went Joe Pesci on two homeless guys. One of the bums is still in critical condition at the USC Medical Center. This certainly ups the stakes for the rest of us, who merely yell "get a job!" at Boxcar Willy. But, be forewarned: Next time some derelict starts trying to clean your windows with his "busket," be prepared to pay $500,000 in bail.

17 August 2005

Things with More Appeal.2

It's time for our second installment of "Things with More Appeal," LTNA's semi-regular posting of cool shit that we like enough to mention here, and which is infinitely more worthy of your time than this blog. We hope you checked out last week's item, reader. But, if you haven't had a chance, you should just come over to our crib, and watch it with us. Let's have a little slumber party. We can spoon, and watch it over some mojitos and ice cream sundaes. Or just some Pabst, whatevs. Maybe during the viewing we can get a little carried away, pause the movie and put on some JoDeCi, then play a nice game of "Just the Tip," the way you like. God, we are so turned on right now.

(Wiping saliva from side of mouth...)

Anywho, this week's Thing is a bit of an anomaly, as he has made it his point to be unavailable, lately. It is Dave Chappelle (though, clearly he is much more than a "thing"), who is easily one of our favorite, favorite comedians (we refuse to rank, but our repetition of the word "favorite" should give you an idea of the sincerity of our assertion), perhaps more famous for his disappearance from television than his appearance on television. However, despite the end of the truly brilliant Chappelle's Show, LTNA feels this has no negative effect on the relevancy (and more importantly, hilarity) of this particular comedian. We are certain there are many people who disagree, some of whom have names that rhyme with "pug nerzog."

Specifically, we are recommending the DVD of his last comedy special, For What It's Worth, which was just released. Obv, we at LTNA pre-ordered this and have it already, as we've been quoting/ referencing this special since it's premiere on Showtime months ago. But more importantly, the release date of this DVD came right on the heels of the semi-official word that Chappelle's TV series is over. After lamenting this, we came to a bit of an epiphany: Ending the series now is, perhaps, the most brilliant move in the history of TV series.

Allow us to explain. Yes, it sucks that just when every drunk-idiot frat boy from Orange County became savvy about the genius of Chappelle, shouting "I'm Rick James, bitch!" over spilled cups of Jungle Juice every ten seconds, we learn that there will never be another overused catch-phrase from DC, again.

No, wait-- that doesn't suck at all. Chappelle was wise enough to end the show on his own terms, and none of us were forced to endure an unfortunate decline in the quality of his show. (Incidentally, this is the reason Jerry Seinfeld cited for ending his show at the peak of its success, to much protest; but, we all know that show stayed on far beyond its prime, the Larry David years.) Chappelle has returned to his roots, doing unannounced stand-up around L.A. and NY, and he has solidified himself as a living legend, even if he didn't realize he was doing it. Chappelle, we think, was never about Chappelle's Show as the cultural icon it became; he has even said that he always did the show as if no one was watching it. That's probably what made it great. But, when his identity became inseparable from the show and the sketches/characters contained therein, he had to question what his intentions really were. We are grateful to have had the two seasons (plus the half-season to be released on DVD), but we're even more in awe of Chappelle's willingness to listen to himself, and not his agents, managers or even Comedy Central, let alone a check for $50 fucking million. He's gone back to basics, and we think that he's just as appealing as ever. Scratch that-- more appealing than ever.

So yeah, check out his new DVD. And if you're lucky/ connected, check him out live at a comedy show. We've seen him live, and it's almost as good as playing "Just the Tip" with you, sweetheart. Almost.

[Insert Obvious Michael Jackson Joke Here]

Michael Jackson no-showed for a court appearance (again) in a sexual assault case (again), Wednesday. The judge fined MJ ten grand, for failing to even send a lawyer or other representative to the hearing. We figure that just means Jacko will have to buy eight llamas, instead of the 9 he'd planned.

This case's accuser is saying Jackson assaulted him at the World's Fair in '84. The very existence of this civil case is news to us, but we can't really be surprised when media outlets fail to report something that's as natural and predictable as Courtney Love failing a drug test. "Jacko Faces Molestation Charges" is such a familiar a headline we'd bet newspapers have stock articles pre-written, where they just plug in the accuser's age and the other juicy bits (ew... we probably should have gone with a different choice of words there...). Same shit, different day.

Entropy, our ass.

London Goes Hollywood

Hollywood's craptastic Walk of Fame is set to have a Limey doppleganger across the pond, as London will unveil their own Avenue of the Stars on September 18th.

We think this is totally practical and necessary, not at all redundant or undeserved. Let's face it: Celebrities get short-changed on the amount of attention and accolades bestowed upon them on a day to day basis. Our culture spends entirely too much time on pointless things like books and exercise. We only wish we had a few media outlets that were all about celebrities, and nothing else. This completely unsuperfluous shrine to mediocrity will, at last, give Nicole Kidman and her ilk an inkling that she truly is a star, and that nothing makes us feel warm inside quite like her cold, dead eyes gazing down at us from billboards and bus ads.

Riding Jennings' Corpse to the Top

ABC had a great week in ratings following the death of Peter Jennings on the 7th. The Network won every night except Wednesday, and the tribute to Jennings averaged 10.5 million viewers on Monday.

It must have been fun to be in the meeting when those Fast Nationals came in, and the Network big-wigs had to pretend they weren't completely ecstatic, what with it being a very somber time, and all. We can only hope that this doesn't give the execs any ideas on how to keep their ratings up this high. Koppel should probably hire a personal food-taster.

16 August 2005


We don't think anyone really cares, but Sean "Puffy" "Puff Daddy" "P. Diddy" Combs has a new moniker. Now he just wants to be called "Diddy." The reason for his umpteenth name change is he "needed to simplify things." We don't doubt that. If we ever had to use one word to describe P. Shiddy, or whateverthefuck, that word would be "simple." Or maybe "retarded." We'll get back to you.

In related news, Mr. Combs will be changing his name to "I'm a Jackass" in 2006.

We Couldn't Resist

We know this lede is about Paula Abdul getting off on fucking that American Idol contestant Corey Clark. (Pun intended? You be the judge.) It's just amusing to us that the entire cosmos seems to be working hard to drop "Ryan Seacrest is gay" jokes at every opportunity, as our (extremely blurry-- sorry) screenshot shows how the semi-suggestive lede "Abdul, 'Idol' contestant had no affair, probe finds" becomes quite a bit funnier when Ryan Seacrest's picture is paired with it, for no apparent reason. It's as if the Google News search engine is trying to play with the nuances of words like "probe" and "affair" and goes as far to imply that he was the one doing the probing, and by "probing" they mean the up-the-butt kind, not the asking-investigative-questions kind. We know we're really reaching here, but we'll take our Seacrest jokes any way we can get them. That guy sucks.

LTNA, out!

The Party's Over, Kids

Kathie Lee Gifford is going to be on TV on a regular fucking basis. Again. She's going to be a "special correspondent" on that hard-news show... you know the one... Pat O'Brien... ah yes, The Insider. This is a sad, sad day. We don't even watch The Insider, because by 7 p.m. or whenever those Entertainment Tonight rip-off shows come on, we're already well on our way to "going fucking crazy" with tequila and Asian male hookers, most nights (that's just our thing). But, we digress. The point is, regardless of whether we watch the show, the idea that we could see Kathie Lee on TV even accidentally on any given night overwhelms us. We don't even know why we hate her so much (beyond the obvious reason of her being an obnoxious, hollow, insincere magpie-charlatan), but that hatred burns stronger than... than... we don't even know. See?! She makes us so irritated we can't even come up with a cogent simile!

(Labored breathing...)

We're going to take a moment and calm ourselves. By "calm ourselves," we really mean "SMASH! SMASH WORKSTATION! SMASH IT GOOD!"

And, for those of you wondering what the deal is with the picture above at left, which is decidedly not Kathie-fucking-Lee, a brief explanation: When we were searching for a photo to put up with this post, this was one of the ones returned by Google Image Search, for reasons unknown to us. Rather than use one of the more appropriate photos, like say, one that was actually of Kathie-fucking-Lee, we took this opportunity to protest her very existence, and went with that guy, instead. We just couldn't bear the thought of her face polluting the landscape of the LTNA front page. And for some reason, that guy's face makes us smile, in the face of this awful news. We know what our next AIM icon is going to be. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Catholics Complain about Something New

Always with the Catholics, and the protesting.

Filming is finally under way in England's Lincoln Cathedral for The Da Vinci Code, but this location was only secured after the film's producers made a $181,150 "donation" to the church. Apparently, that's the exact amount of, erm, piety needed to get total forgiveness for the heresy the filmmakers intend to immortalize on celluloid.

Unfortunately for the producers, there are still individual churchgoers who are protesting outside of the Cathedral cum movie set through the two weeks of filming. Perhaps if the producers donate a few autographs from Tom Hanks, the film's star, or a few passes to the London premiere (in the name of the Father, natch), the Catholics will see it in their hearts of absolve the Hollywood heathens.

15 August 2005

Crowe Keeps "Fightin' 'Round the World," for Now

We know, treasured reader, that from time to time you may read other blogs with more money, or flashier cars, or topics of interest, or correct grammar and spelling. It hurts, but we knew what this was from the first post, nearly a week ago. We love you anyway, darling. But, this is one occasion where those other blogs may have misinformed you.

There's been a lot of talk today about Russell "I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass" Crowe settling his assault-with-a-deadly-telephone case for anywhere from $10 to $18 million dollars. Turns out that this is totally false, and the pillars of journalistic integrity known as the British tabloids were just being cheeky little monkeys. Perhaps it was a slow news day.

Glad we cleared that up. You know we'd never want to lie to you, honey bunny.

Melancholy Will Want to Kill Selves Slightly Less

October will prove to be a good month for the angst-ridden, as Fiona Apple's fabled third album will finally see the light of day. The light outside of unapproved internet leaks, that is.

After being shelved indefinitely by Sony, Extraordinary Machine will be available for nice-and-legal purchase October 4. The album has been re-recorded largely with producer Mike Elizondo (who is tiz-ight with Dr. Dre); Elizondo claims the leaked (i.e., free) version of the album is "not representational of the work" on the final (i.e., not free) version of the album. What was strange about this was how Elizondo kept using quotation fingers and giggling whenever saying the final product is "completely different" and "not just for chumps who didn't download it already." Weird.

Just What We Need: Old Chicks Getting Laid on TV

Sex and the City series creator Darren Star has purchased the rights to Candace Bushnell's soon-to-be released book Lipstick Jungle. Bush (is it okay if we call you Bush?), of course, is the author of the book upon which the HBO series was based. From the Page Six descrip, it sounds like the new book and series will be a refreshing change from SATC, with a totally different subject matter: Lipstick is about not four, but THREE successful New York women and their trials and tribulations in dating. Also, these hags will be even older than the ones on Sex. At least we can count on Dar and Candy to keep cranking out completely fresh ideas. Hooray for well-written granny soft-porn!

UPDATE (8/16/05): Just kidding? Today's Page Six reports that they "hit a snag," and Star withdrew his offer. Or something. Whatever.

Vaughn Addicted to One-Night Stands, Pie

The less-sexy pseudo-couple by-product (day-um, that's a lot of hyphens!) of the Anniston v. Pitt divorce proceedings is issuing a fresh batch of denials. The ones from last week were starting to get kind of stale, after all.

Vince Vaughn is claiming that there's no way he could be in a serious relationship with Jennifer Anniston, with whom he is co-starring in The Break-Up. (We'll spare you any hackneyed jokes pointing out how obviously apt this film's title is, with regard to its lead actress.) Vaughn says he cannot be a one-woman man, and has "never been big on having to go home with the same girl every night." Maybe V-Squared should give Tommy Size a call sometime. They should party.

This rumor refutal is all well and good, but Vin needs to come clean and shout from the mountaintops that he has only one true love, and no woman can ever hope to overshadow it. And that 35-year-long love affair is for one thing, stoked by his passion which burns with the intensity of a thousand suns: cake. Time to face your demons and embrace your passions, you sweaty, bloated dumpling.