Oh, Good. I Was Just Saying Law & Order: SVU Reruns Aren't On Enough.

These pockmarks can see through your lies.

Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU and Law & Order: Criminal Intent make up approximately 50% of cable programming. It's true.* I don't think there is any time of day where you don't at least have the option of getting a healthy dose of Dick (Wolf). This is fact, and has been fact since the dawn of cable syndication. However, it seems that my cable company started carrying a newish channel within the past month or so, called Sleuth.

Sweet Abba-Zaba. When they named this channel "Sleuth," I think they missed the opportunity to capitalize on what this channel really should have been called, which is "You're Home at 1:30 PM, Living on the Dole and Probably Fat, So Here, Watch Law & Order: SVU All Fucking Day, Except Sometimes We Show Criminal Intent Episodes Too, Just to Fuck With You, Fatty." I know the channel is owned by NBC Universal, because of duh, but jeebus, it is nothing but L&O spin-offs!

I, like everyone else who has ever seen these shows, thinks SVU sucks the least, because it does. Why would you have a plain old murder, when you can get a side of rape for the same price?  I can only figure they throw in the CI reruns as a stern warning to us losers who lay about all day, fantasizing over the crimes we'd like to commit: Don't even start making arrangements to kill your elderly neighbor, steal his identity and start cashing his Social Security checks, because if you do, you're going to have to talk to Vincent D'Onofrio. Indeed, that is deterrent enough. Either that, or the CI reruns are considered intermission to get out of the fucking house, maybe look for a job.

But, joke's on you, Sleuth Network! I can usually find a rerun of 'Feld (this is what I call Seinfeld, because I am cool, but also too busy to say "Sein") to pass the time until another ep of SVU comes back on. I hope the next one's from Olivia's bulldyke-haircut era, but before Stabler got hair plugs. Those are classic!

*This is not true.

I Am What's Wrong With This Country

So, I mentioned last week that I'm unemployed right now, making clear that said unemployment is indeed the impetus for my renewed attention to this blog. I've never been unemployed before, and it is taking a toll on my comfort level, to say the least. Not knowing where I'm going to get my next dollar is an uneasy feeling. I'd prefer not to suck dick for coke (never mix business with pleasure), so working jobs I hate has always been the more palatable option. Um, so to speak.

But, today I got my notice from The Man saying that I've been awarded unemployment pay. Remember those feelings of doom and malaise I was talking about, woven in with blueprints of suicide? GONE. Hooray for free money!

Now, I've got about a week before I actually start receiving my free money, but did I mention free money? Suddenly, all those years I spent rolling calls and making reservations for aging yuppie assholes at Katsu-ya seem like an even bigger waste of time than they did before. If all I had to do was get laid off to still get enough money to live a pretty lovely life, I should have seen to this happening a long time ago.

I want to celebrate with the free money I don't even have yet that's burning a hole in my pocket. Peanut butter and crack sandwiches for everyone-- on me!

Putting the "Oy!" in "Unemployed"

This is a photo of a bread line. I lack subtlety.

Oh, indeed. Unreliable as ever, it looks like I'm doing this little blog o' mine, again. For a little while, at least. 

You see, the marked fall-off(s) in my attention here over the years have always been due to having pesky jobs that required me to do some actual work at them. Hence, no time to talk about the bullshit du jour that may be amusing. 

But, hooray recession! (Not really.) 

Today is my first day being unemployed, as the show I work/worked for is on an unpaid hiatus that'll last at least two months. Furthermore, due to MASSIVE budget cuts, I can't really count on my old job being there when it returns in the Fall. Sometime during my busy weekend of panic attacks and suicide fantasies, I decided I may as well start up here again. It'll be a nice reprieve from tracing my veins with an Exacto Knife. But, let me tell you, as soon as I get that second interview to be the Assistant Night Manager Trainee at FedEx Kinko's, I'll likely vanish again.

For now though, I'll be posting here daily-ish, just to distract from the terror of having no job and no prospects. Talking shit anonymously in a forum where I have zero accountability provides a brief distraction from the terror of my new reality: Drinking whatever imported beer is on sale (*shudder*) while I watch TV all day-- and mind you, I had to cancel Showtime. Have you ever had only one premium cable channel? It's ghastly.

For now, I'm off to see what awful jobs are out there, so I can talk myself into applying anyway, just to feel like I'm doing something, anything. I never thought I'd be Googling "taco bell careers;" and yet, here we are.

Kill me in the face.