In Case You're Stuck at Work Today Like Me...

Perhaps Mr. Colbert can bring a smile to your face. I've been cracking up over this clip since it first aired on TCR in September. 100% tits.

Fucking Irish Car Bombs

You may as well know I drank way too much last night and am in no shape to do a proper post today. So, you're left with whatever video I feel is entertaining enough to syndicate here on LTNA, for the time being.

Thusly, enjoy the compilation below of America's most famous convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. Happy xxx-mas, and good luck suppressing the urge to punch your dad in the fucking face. After all, that's what the holidays are really all about.

I'll be back on December 26th, undoubtedly as hungover and miserable as today. It's a Kwanzaa miracle!

Happy Fucking Holidays

We are fully ensconced in the holiday season, and I have to admit that I'm totally gay for Christmas. My favorite holidays are Independence Day and Thanksgiving, but neither of those holidays affords me the opportunity to terrorize my friends with ill planned gifts and cryptic holiday cards. If you like the above, it's by an artist called Brandon Bird, and you can get them on his website. They're pretty much the best holidays cards ever.

In case you're one of the lucky ones whose last day before leaving for the holiday break is today, I just wanted to wish you a a sexy xxx-mas and a dipsolucious Kwanzaa. And, if you're one of the Chosen People...well, I hope your Chanuka was just swell. I'll be here all next week, unfortunately, but you can expect me to be drinking on the job even more than usual. Apologies in advance for those posts, which I'm sure will be even more incoherent than usual. "'Tis the season to puke on hoboes, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

Well, I'm off to fashion a belt buckle made of mistletoe. This weekend, I'm keeping it classy.

How Was Your Fucking Turkey?

I hope you had a not entirely unpleasant Thanksgiving holiday, and that you weren't denied the four day weekend by being called into work. I almost was, but the evil boss' plans to screw me out of yet another day off were thwarted by a handy, albeit unimaginative, lie about being out of town. Hooray for dishonesty fueled by self interest! Plan B was pulling the race card.

LTNA's holiday was the customary celebration of corpulence, repressed resentment, friends and football. There was a bounty of bottles of beer, and plenty of pot-laced pastries pounded (pumpkin bars to be precise!), all of which apparently left me disoriented and in a Seuss-like dementia.

Of course, all of these were mere opening acts for the headliner: turducken (pictured). Yes, the friends with whom I spent my holiday decided to go even more balls to the walls than we have in past years-- which I will say have been truly impressive in their own rite-- and embraced the gluttonous spirit of the holiday threefold. Turducken, in case you aren't familiar, combines the glory of three different kinds of meat into one gastronomic masterpiece. The three meats, as you may have guessed, are of course turd, duck and chicken. Delicious.

Of course I'm being ridiculous. Turd is for vegetarians, and not qualified as a "meat." Turducken is actually a turkey with a duck shoved up its ass, with a chicken shoved up its ass. They partially de-bone each bird to achieve this, and adding a layer of stuffing (we went with cornbread) between each bird, just in case there was any doubt about this being the greatest invention ever.

I have to say I am now a turducken convert. There's no going back. I will no longer be slumming it with the plebes, choking down holiday dinners of birds stuffed with fewer than two other birds. In fact, I may have to continue to upgrade yearly, defying the laws of physics and good sense by adding yet another bird to the mix. Make fun all you want, but I'll be laughing last when I die laughing/of four simultaneous heart attacks in 2017, while feasting on turgoduckmaguikenantidgeonck. I imagine I'll be wearing a tiara.