So You Think I'm Not Going to Hurt You

Fair warning: This is going to get gross.

This guy, Alex Da Silva, a 41-year-old salsa choreographer (gross) and judge on Fox's "hit" show So You Think You Can Dance (gross), is like, really into raping women (criminal; also, gross). Allegedly.

Ugh. That mugshot. The salsa. Fucking. Gross.

I don't really care to imagine him luring his dance students into his gross bedroom to "show them new clothes" or "ask for help fixing his computer," only for him to whip it out and make some homemade guacamole on the unsuspecting waitress dancer. In case you're unclear, by "whip it out and make some homemade guacamole," I mean "rape and jizz on a bitch."

Speaking of misunderstandings, Silva's attorney Harland Braun said the case was a misunderstanding of “the difference between seduction and rape.” Make that four separate incidents of misunderstanding. Sheesh. That's a lot of guac.

Hey Da Silva, a bit of advice: While you're in jail, don't drop the maraca.

No Sir, I Assure You I Am Not Going to "Love [Your] Nuts"

You may already know that the ShamWow™ Guy is also the Slap Chop™ Guy-- not to mention that he's everyone's favorite hooker-Slap Chopping™ enthusiast. Well, that fucking Slap Chop™ commercial just came on NatGeo HD and weirded me out anew, so I decided to share the suffering. I mean, I was just talking about that dipshit, after all.

Oh yes, it was the long version, so you're going to get three minutes and change of Vince's nut-Slapping™ intensity and cryptic orders to "stop having a boring life." Maybe I should start assaulting prostitutes to spice things up, too.

OR...Slap Chop™!

He also demonstrates how easy it is to Slap™ together standard breakfast fare (you know, hard boiled egg™, pickle™, green onion™ plus a pinch™ of ham™, pounded™ like an unruly whore™-- I mean, Slap Chopped™-- into a fine paste™, just like no one ever used to ever make™ ever), because "YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BREAKFAST."™ 

Here you go, sweetums. An oldie but creepy, just for you. 

After watching this again, I think I need an adult.

These Things Come in 3s 3 1/2s

It is unusually difficult to find a photo of this man where he is not giving a thumbs-up. So, this.

Yesterday morning, when I was realizing I'd fallen asleep with the teevee on all night again, Ann Curry's voice was telling me that the Oxi Clean guy done came up deayud (LTNA gets folksy!).  I actually yelled to my pillow "What the fuck is going ON?" before rolling over for visual confirmation of what I thought I'd heard. I had not hallucinated the news.

Ed McMahon last Tuesday.  Then, Farrah Fawcett/Michael Jackson Day, later that week. (I am being polite here. We all know the real story is Jacko, and any mentions of Farrah that have come since then have been obligatory. We all know it. I just had the anonymous blog balls to say it.) 

And now Billy freakin Mays? I repeat, what the fuck is going ON?  Admittedly, I'm not attached to any of these personalities, but this shit is fucking weird. If I were a washed up and/or F-List celebrity, I'd be feeling a bit nervous right now. Billy just did Conan last week, for crying out loud. Who's going to yell at me insisting I buy shitty As Seen On TV products now? 

Sheesh. I totally just lost a bet. My money was on the ShamWow guy going first (meth-fueled murder/suicide, obvi). If I can get some action on a Real Housewife of New Jersey dying, I'm letting it ride.

Oh, and this is old and still sort of funny. Probably a bit disrespectful to put up, in light of things. But, you know, fuck you.

What the Fuck?

Heath Ledger

1979-2008

This shit is fucked up right here. Renfro last week, and now this? In case you somehow haven't heard, Heath Ledger was found dead in a New York apartment a few hours ago. The apartment may or may not have belonged to Mary Kate Olsen, and judging by the pills found near him, this may or may not be a suicide. Also, he may or may not have been found naked according to the New York Times blog (at least, the post that's up right now), but that really does sound like the kind of thing someone mean would throw into the flurry of reports just to make things sound even more fucked up.

If there's anything to that superstition about deaths/bad shit shit coming in threes, the third person in this sequence had better damn well be someone who sucks. Maybe French Stewart has some little known oxycontin habit or something? Let's hope so, because the non-sucky semi-attractive boys dying is killing my buzz.

Who's Going to Steal My Speedboat Now?

Brad Renfro

1982-2008

Brad had a pretty rough go of it in recent years, and was found dead today at his home, here in L.A. The cause of death is still unknown, but who are we kidding, it'll probably be an OD on black tar H. Or, who knows, maybe he went with the classic speedball.

Poor guy. It's too bad it had to be someone with real potential, instead of Lohan or one of those other drug addict cunts. Bummer.

Maybe I Should Just Declare It "Dumb Slunt Week"

There's not a whole lot going on today, other than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby daddy potentially being charged with statutory rape and Britney Spears' fuck up du jour. I decided to go with the latter. I figure it's Britney's turn.

It looks like Britney will not be getting more time with her two ugly ass kids. Because she no-showed at a court appearance last week, Fed-Ex gets to keep primary custody, and BritBrit remains under the yoke of supervised visits.

Apparently, when Britney called in sick last week, she had her court ordered deposition confused with a job at Jack in the Box. I'm glad that the judge is throwing the smackdown and letting this cunt know it doesn't work like that. How lazy can she be to blow off a hearing which would determine her custody of her frickin kids? Furthermore, I'm black, so for me to call someone lazy, well, that person has to be pretty goddamned lazy.

So, until the next hearing on February 19th, those boys are only going to be secondhand smoking daddy's brand of cigs. Welcome to flavor country!

Another Day, Another Dumb Slunt

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears' little sister, has managed to out-slut her train wreck of a big sis. JLS is knocked up at the ripe old age of 16. Supposedly, she met the baby daddy in church. You could not write anything that rich, if you tried.

What a stupid bitch. Even Paris Hilton manages to remember the take the fucking pill. Paris Hilton!

Still, this is by no means a shocker (although I'm fairly certain a shocker or nine was involved in this happening); but, it is a tiny bit surprising, nonetheless. I suppose this is only because BritBrit has managed to reach heretofore undreamt of heights in retarded trampdom, so one never expected that her little sister would manage to match her fuckedupedness-- let alone surpass it with such zeal.

Bravo, Jamie. You get a 40 defective condom salute for your achievement. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know BritBrit 2: Y'all Harder was never using any condoms in the first place, "since you only get pregnant if you open your eyes."

Dumb Slunt to Continue Making Gauche Cuisine

Rachael Ray just closed a deal to continue annoying the shit out of people for two more seasons, reupping her contract with the Food Network. Her crapfest show, 30 Minute Meals will be on for at least 120 more episodes, not to mention a new show that'll be starting in January called Rachael's Vacation wherein we get to watch her gorge and orgasm from pie, dick and dick pie-- but now, in distant and exotic locales! This will be a nice change from the parking lot behind Fatburger, where she normally gobbles some "delish" dick.

Some people would say that I'm being a bit harsh for thinking Rachael Ray is an annoying whore. But, those people would be wrong. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.

Next Stop: Stretch Mark City

Jessica Alba is knocked up. The culprit is long time boyfriend Cash Warren, which was a surprise to me, since I heard she'd dumped him a few months ago in a really tasteless way. Beyond the initial surprise that Alba is preggars, let alone by Cash (it takes all of my fortitude to bring myself to type the name "Cash" without punching a baby, every single time), this story loses any semblance of being interesting. It's just really hard to care about anything that happens to these people for more than four seconds, and even then I was phoning it in.

On that note, here's a link to a somewhat amusing "Best of" Craig's List post. It's hump day bitches. Time to get fucked.