Angelina Jolie Really, Really Pregnant. Maybe.

According to someone who overheard someone else who read about someone who read this one magazine, Angelina Jolie admitted to some Dominican Republican charity aid worker that she is, in fact, pregnant. We've ignored the incessant rumors of this the same way we ignored the rumors of the Nick and Jessica Simpson split, at least until the point where it sort of seemed a little true.

After all, Angelina has been covering her belly with frying pans and infants and such, whenever she's out in public lately. And, poor Maddox has had to become accustomed to walking on his very own legs, since Jolie hasn't been carrying him like she used to (she shouldn't be allowed to have more children, the barbarian!).

In any case, she does look pretty knocked up in the picture on the cover of People, so like, there that is. So, it looks like by the summer, the hottest human being ever will be born. Or, if God has the penchant for cruel irony we think he does, the most hideous human being ever will burst forth from Angelina Jolie's enchanted womb. Either way, it should be pretty amusing.

Colin's Farrell Unveiled

This took a little longer than we'd expected, but the Colin Farrell sex tape that no one cares about any more finally made it's way to the internets, only to be shut the fuck down by Colin's lackies promptly.

But don't you worry your pervy little heads, darlings. IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay has some stills up, which they stole from some other site, so go enjoy. When your boss stops by to investigate the mysterious repeated thumping sound emanating from beneath your desk, you can thank us. Don't forget the Kleenex!

Bloglibs

In accordance with our "fuck it all" mood of late (i.e., the "back at work blues"), we're not going to bother to write any jokes for these headlines. When it's this easy, it just doesn't seem worth it. But, feel free to come up with your own humorous zingers. Go 'head.



See? That wasn't very hard. Now you can understand that the deep-seeded cynicism and misanthropy which weave the rich tapestry that is LTNA is neither deep nor a rich tapestry. (This is true about most, if not all, blogs.)

Indeed, thanks to Blogger, any douche bag with delusions of wit can publish meaningless rants and insults against celebrities-- or any other topic of choice, for that matter. Hurrah!

Have We Mentioned That We Really Like Howard Stern Yet?

Hey now! And so it begins: Howard Stern, uncensored. Today was the first broadcast of The (New) Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. True to form, we forced our eyes open to fumble clumsily in the dark for our stereo remote control at 2:59 this morning, to tune into the live east coast feed of this monumentous event. Riddled with technical difficulties (we wouldn't have it any other way), the show got off to a rocky start. But, the hype surrounding this day left Stern and the crew fumbling a bit themselves, as they were both ecstatic and bewildered at the fact that it's finally really, really happening.

The Chicago Tribune says the first show was crap, but we disagree. We've never even heard of that "paper" anyway; more to the point, we cannot deny our judgment is clouded by the fact that we're borderline superfans. In any event, we don't hesitate to acknowledge that there were some pacing and structure problems today, but it's mostly because there was too much to say and get to, rather than too little-- including a phony proclamation that Howard had finally made an honest woman out of Beth O. (alright, we confess, we believed him for a minute.)

You can read more about the first show here, and a full rundown should be up in a few hours. A couple of our favorite hilights are Howard Stern calling Martha Stewart's daughter "cunty" and having Artie proposition George Takei for anal. To think that it's only going to get better, once they find their stride. Damn, it's good to have them back.

Okay, Okay. Maybe Just a Couple More Wire Hangers...

The New York Daily News has taken Lindsay Lohan's recent admittal of drug use and disordered eating as an opportunity to compile a rolodex of the worst stage-mothers and fathers ever.

They start off with Hohan's "mother," who brushes off Lindsay's fucked-upedness as "not as bad as it looked." ("Looked"? As in, past tense? 'Cause, last time we saw a picture of Hohan, things were still topping the charts on the Benny Scale...)

Then, the article moves on and we get a little taste of everyone from the Barrymores to the Federlines. Naturally, Joan Crawford had to be included in this directory of the pitfalls of celebrity procreation. Still, they'd better leave the annals open until Paris Hilton finally gets around squeezing out a few bastards. Those kids are guaranteed to be fucked up enough to make Joe Jackson look like a good father, by comparison.

Paris Hilton? Dishonest? The Hell You Say!

Continuing in today's vein of non-shockers, Paris Hilton is a lying bitch. The story itself isn't really that interesting. It deals with a lot of she said/she said between Paris Hilton and Paris' Latsis' ex-girlfriend. The gist is just that the skanks had a run-in in some club, and Paris planted some story in Page Six months ago that made Paris 2's ex look like the jealous slut she probably is. Now, they're saying Paris lied under oath by denying she had anything to do with planting the libelous gossip in The Post, which contradicts the testimony of Paris' former publicist who insists she had him take dictation of exactly what was to be planted in the paper.

Or something. The point is, there's a sliver of a chance Paris Hilton will finally get her cumuppance (spell check?). Just don't get your hopes up too much, though. If we've learned anything from Tom Cruise, Robert Blake or O.J. Simpson, pesky things like "laws" simply don't apply to crimes against humanity, or even the classic crimes like murder, respectively-- as long as they're committed by the wealthy and/or famous. God bless America.

This Is What's Called a "Crutch"

Also BREAKING: Michael Jackson 'admits dabbling in little boys plastic surgery.'

Developing...

(Not really.)

David Letterman Is Generous

Oh snap! Letterman totally kept it real when Bill O'Reilly appeared on his show last night. After ripping on the Iraq war rather bluntly, O'Reilly was visibly put-off by Dave's candor. Then, Dave reached deep inside himself to find the little Wanda Sykes that lives deep inside each and every one of us, and told Bill O'Reilly like it is:

BO: If you want to question that, and then revamp an intelligence agency that's obviously flawed, the CIA, okay. But remember, MI-6 in Britain said the same thing. Putin's people in Russia said the same thing, and so did Mubarak's intelligence agency in Egypt.

DL: Well then that makes it all right?

BO: No it doesn't make it right.

DL: I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point on this, but I have the feeling, I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap. But I don't know that for a fact.

Paul Shafer: 60 percent.

DL: 60 percent. I'm just spit-balling here.

Only 60%, eh? Nice guy, that Letterman. If the transcript leaves you thirsting for the video of the talking heads, watch it here.