Those Orphans Will Be Solly!

Liz Taylor's been in the news a lot lately because of her "I'm not dead yet" tour. The latest "news" is featured in this article, wherein she sticks up for Michael Jackson, yet again. She insists that she, too, has shared a bed with MJ, and there was "no funny business."

Ahem. The idea of Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor sharing a bed is so vile I have to agree: No, there is absolutely nothing even remotely funny about that scenario.

Why Taylor felt the sudden urge to defend Jacko, when no one has really brought up his, um, enthusiasm for sleepovers with prepubescent boys lately, I have no idea. Quite frankly, she's probably so doped up on Valium and champagne she doesn't either. More to the point, I don't care, and I was only reading this article in the hopes that there might be something vaguely amusing on a pretty slow news day. And here's when This Is London slips in the most interesting tidbit, amidst a melange of who-gives-a-shit:

"She has suffered two bouts of near-fatal viral pneumonia, a brain tumour, three hip replacements and multiple fractures of the spine. She also underwent two periods in rehab for addiction to alcohol and prescription drugs.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been touring Japanese orphanages looking for another child to adopt, according to U.S. reports.

The star is currently fighting his former second wife, Debbie Rowe, over custody of the two children she bore him."

Ever read Where's Waldo? Well, this is a lot easier than that. Hell, I'll make it even easier:

"Meanwhile, Michael Jackson has been touring Japanese orphanages looking for another child to adopt, according to U.S. reports."

Now, when a blogger as immature as I am sees comedy gold like this, the initial reaction is an increased heart rate, paired with moistened palms and a sudden desperation for pot. My fingers begin to twitch above the keyboard as I start running through the rolodex of babyfucker jokes in my perverted mind. I try to decide how best to throw a joke about Asians into the mix, because we all know I'm an equal opportunity racist, and I haven't made any Asian jokes since the tiger pee incident. I'm due.

But then, I realize that it's all for naught. This is just one of those things where the truth is the funniest joke that can be made about the situation. It's comedic blue balls for any humorist, let me tell ya. And it happens all the time with the likes of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Courtney Love, Anna Nicole Smith... Well, let's just say it happens a lot. The writer could have at least tried not to phrase the sentence to make it sound like Jackson was essentially shopping for a new, young, son, who knows how to keep his mouth shut in front of welfare workers and reporters. Clemmie Moodie, you cheeky little monkey!

Still though, I thought I'd share that little piece of info. I'd love to see the look on the golden child's face, once selected, when he looks into Jacko's eyes (try not to look at the picture up there too long-- you'll start to itch and cry, uncontrollably and without explanation), and realizes that's the melting face of his new pederast daddy.