In Case You're Stuck at Work Today Like Me...

Perhaps Mr. Colbert can bring a smile to your face. I've been cracking up over this clip since it first aired on TCR in September. 100% tits.

Fucking Irish Car Bombs

You may as well know I drank way too much last night and am in no shape to do a proper post today. So, you're left with whatever video I feel is entertaining enough to syndicate here on LTNA, for the time being.

Thusly, enjoy the compilation below of America's most famous convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. Happy xxx-mas, and good luck suppressing the urge to punch your dad in the fucking face. After all, that's what the holidays are really all about.

I'll be back on December 26th, undoubtedly as hungover and miserable as today. It's a Kwanzaa miracle!

Maybe I Should Just Declare It "Dumb Slunt Week"

There's not a whole lot going on today, other than Jamie Lynn Spears' baby daddy potentially being charged with statutory rape and Britney Spears' fuck up du jour. I decided to go with the latter. I figure it's Britney's turn.

It looks like Britney will not be getting more time with her two ugly ass kids. Because she no-showed at a court appearance last week, Fed-Ex gets to keep primary custody, and BritBrit remains under the yoke of supervised visits.

Apparently, when Britney called in sick last week, she had her court ordered deposition confused with a job at Jack in the Box. I'm glad that the judge is throwing the smackdown and letting this cunt know it doesn't work like that. How lazy can she be to blow off a hearing which would determine her custody of her frickin kids? Furthermore, I'm black, so for me to call someone lazy, well, that person has to be pretty goddamned lazy.

So, until the next hearing on February 19th, those boys are only going to be secondhand smoking daddy's brand of cigs. Welcome to flavor country!

Another Day, Another Dumb Slunt

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears' little sister, has managed to out-slut her train wreck of a big sis. JLS is knocked up at the ripe old age of 16. Supposedly, she met the baby daddy in church. You could not write anything that rich, if you tried.

What a stupid bitch. Even Paris Hilton manages to remember the take the fucking pill. Paris Hilton!

Still, this is by no means a shocker (although I'm fairly certain a shocker or nine was involved in this happening); but, it is a tiny bit surprising, nonetheless. I suppose this is only because BritBrit has managed to reach heretofore undreamt of heights in retarded trampdom, so one never expected that her little sister would manage to match her fuckedupedness-- let alone surpass it with such zeal.

Bravo, Jamie. You get a 40 defective condom salute for your achievement. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know BritBrit 2: Y'all Harder was never using any condoms in the first place, "since you only get pregnant if you open your eyes."

Happy Chris Farley Day

Chris Farley
February 15, 1964 - December 18, 1997

Ten years later, and I still miss ya buddy.

Dumb Slunt to Continue Making Gauche Cuisine

Rachael Ray just closed a deal to continue annoying the shit out of people for two more seasons, reupping her contract with the Food Network. Her crapfest show, 30 Minute Meals will be on for at least 120 more episodes, not to mention a new show that'll be starting in January called Rachael's Vacation wherein we get to watch her gorge and orgasm from pie, dick and dick pie-- but now, in distant and exotic locales! This will be a nice change from the parking lot behind Fatburger, where she normally gobbles some "delish" dick.

Some people would say that I'm being a bit harsh for thinking Rachael Ray is an annoying whore. But, those people would be wrong. Why? Because fuck 'em, that's why.

Leno Resolves to Be Lamer Than Ever in '08

It looks like we'll be back in the Cone Zone by January 2nd, since Late Night with Conan O'Brien will be returning to the air, whether the writers' strike is over by then (it won't be), or not. In case you're 60 (congratulations on learning how to "surf the internets"), and therefore have no idea what real comedy is, Jay Leno's piece of shit show will be back on too. NBC made the announcement yesterday.

No one is really sure what the shows are going to be like without writers, but the executive producers of both have faith in their hosts. I agree that if anyone can pull it off, it's Conan. As for Leno, I can't imagine that show sucking any more than it already does, but I guess we're going to see it happen pretty soon.

The stigma and hecklers Carson Daley faced when his show came back prior to the strike ending is unlikely to be a problem for Conan and Leno, since they've been paying staffers out of their own pockets after everyone was laid off. Essentially, people realize that they need to put their shows back on because non-writers need their jobs back. Granted, the writers need their jobs too, but I think it's fair to assume they're able to stick things out a bit longer than, say, an assistant audience coordinator.

Letterman is trying to get back on the air too, but he's trying to do it with his writing staff, and is requesting an interim agreement from the Writers Guild. Yeah fucking right, Dave.

Happy Fucking Holidays

We are fully ensconced in the holiday season, and I have to admit that I'm totally gay for Christmas. My favorite holidays are Independence Day and Thanksgiving, but neither of those holidays affords me the opportunity to terrorize my friends with ill planned gifts and cryptic holiday cards. If you like the above, it's by an artist called Brandon Bird, and you can get them on his website. They're pretty much the best holidays cards ever.

In case you're one of the lucky ones whose last day before leaving for the holiday break is today, I just wanted to wish you a a sexy xxx-mas and a dipsolucious Kwanzaa. And, if you're one of the Chosen People...well, I hope your Chanuka was just swell. I'll be here all next week, unfortunately, but you can expect me to be drinking on the job even more than usual. Apologies in advance for those posts, which I'm sure will be even more incoherent than usual. "'Tis the season to puke on hoboes, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

Well, I'm off to fashion a belt buckle made of mistletoe. This weekend, I'm keeping it classy.

"This Post Came Prematurely" Or, "Things with More Appeal.16"

Tuesday night, I went to a preview screening, as us Hollywood hot shots do. It was for a flick called Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I laughed my balls off. Clean off! Since the movie is a comedy, this is a good thing.

Speaking of clean balls (once you see the movie, you'll realize that segue was completely apropos), Jason Segel wrote and stars in it. Since he's always played the "best friend" character in everything from Freaks and Geeks to Knocked Up, I wasn't sure what to expect from him in the lead role-- particularly one he'd written for himself. I'm happy to report he came through, and I can't wait to see what's next for him. But, I'm still not going to watch How I Met Your Mother.

FSM is the next R-rated comedy slated to be released from Judd Apatow's company, Apatow Productions. Right now, it's set to come out May 30th next year. I realize that's ages away, so it's quite the blogtease to be posting about this movie now. Still though, the release date means that once everyone is tired of repeating lines from Walk Hard, Sarah will be out just in time to give moronic frat boys something else to reference when they're taking breaks from blowing each other.

The Apatow connection is more than enough street cred to get a lot of asses in the seats. But, in case you're a re-re and that still isn't enough, Paul Rudd, Bill Hader and Jonah Hill are in it too. Oh, and if you have a heterosexual penis, that bitch from Veronica Mars is in it as well, along with Meg Griffin. Plus, Liz Cackowski of Jeannie Tate fame! Freakin' sweet, no?

Next Stop: Stretch Mark City

Jessica Alba is knocked up. The culprit is long time boyfriend Cash Warren, which was a surprise to me, since I heard she'd dumped him a few months ago in a really tasteless way. Beyond the initial surprise that Alba is preggars, let alone by Cash (it takes all of my fortitude to bring myself to type the name "Cash" without punching a baby, every single time), this story loses any semblance of being interesting. It's just really hard to care about anything that happens to these people for more than four seconds, and even then I was phoning it in.

On that note, here's a link to a somewhat amusing "Best of" Craig's List post. It's hump day bitches. Time to get fucked.

Ain't Shit Going On Today

As indicated above, there ain't shit going on today, so I don't have anything worth talking about. So, you know what that means: Video post!

Herewith, please find the gayest thing since gay sex, posted below for your enjoyment. I hope your Tuesday glitters, girl!

So, Is This the Next MySpace Facebook?

LinkedIn, the social networking site no one has ever heard of, is not to be disregarded as bullshit, according to to Biznass Week. Now seems like a good time to mention that the two companies are partners.

Anywho, LinkedIn wants to establish that they are far from being buried by Facebook and are not has-beens. Personally, I think of it more as a never-was, but you know, tomayto, tomahto.

Indeed, Nielsen numbers are supporting their whining, and show them to be growing at a faster rate than Facebook. However, it seems to me if 98% of the world is already on Facebook, it's sort of inevitable for growth to slow, after a while. LinkedIn's attempt to stay relevant is centered around adding a bunch of modules and other nonsense to personalize your page. I'm not on Facebook, but I'm pretty sure they do the same exact thing. Still, now would be a good time for LinkedIn to try to get themselves out there, since Facebook is getting some bad press, lately. If I were LinkedIn, I would just focus on distinguishing LinkedIn as different from Facebook and the rest, simply because it serves a very different purpose:

"Facebook is mostly for socializing with people you already know, while LinkedIn is for meeting people you don’t know, for professional purposes, through people you do know."

However, this was a mere parenthetical in the article, and glosses over the one thing about the site that makes it somewhat interesting. But, what do I know? I'm just a dumb semi-anonymous Blogger Blogspot blogger who falls into the exact demographic to which these networking sites must appeal in order to survive.

A Bullshitty Post to Start Your Friday

Remember that job I have that prevented me from writing this blog on any consistent basis over the last two years? Well, I still have it. And, writers' strike or no, I have shit to do. Lists of songs about cocaine aren't going to compile themselves, you know. (Seriously. That's what I'm doing. Ah, Hollywood.) So, in lieu of a real post, I'm pulling the old video blog trick out of my back pocket, and phoning it in with the below. The best part is the newsroom reaction, and the snort off camera. Happy Friday chippies.

Don't Drop the Soap

It looks like Kiefer Sutherland really is going to the slammer for his latest DUI, which he got in September. Surprisingly, he doesn't seem to be taking it like a fucking bitch, and checked into a California jail last night, right after he received his 48 day sentence.

On the one hand, this does make him seem kind of cool for deciding to man up and just take his punishment, rather than pull the celebrity card. On the other hand, the celebrity card is in its own stratosphere of bullshit and shouldn't exist in the first place. This is simply an instance of (apparently) equal treatment under the law, regardless of wealth or fame. I hardly see how things happening the way they always ought to is worthy of applause, but a lot of people seem to be reacting that way. I guess we're just so used to seeing stars get away with murder-- literally-- people are happy to see a smidge of justice.

I don't give a shit about 24, but in case you're a fan, 24 won't be affected by Kiefer's stint in the clink, mostly because of the writers' strike. The strike put the season premiere on hold, and since they'd only shot 8 episodes before pushing the season start date and halting production, Kiefer's term will be completed and his anus should be fully healed before shooting resumes. Yay.

Kurt Loder Liked It Too

I saw Juno this weekend at a screening which was pretty sweet, since I had assumed I would have to wait until it came out to see it. I stumbled across this review by Kurt Loder this morning, which I read mostly because I was curious to read something/anything by Kurt "Droppin' Lodes" Loder, whom I remember from all those years ago, back when I still wanted my MTV. He liked it.

And, I'm here to tell you that I agree with him, so you should go see it. Kurt's review is pretty much right on point with how I felt about the movie, particularly in terms of pointing out the flick's weaknesses. There aren't many. And we both agree that the final scene is impossibly cute. Mind you, this is coming from someone whose typical response to anything "cute" involves lye and a machete, so kudos to Diablo Cody for writing something adorable that didn't result in me getting another restraining order. Plus, DC used to be a stripper, so she's got some serious street cred points, not to mention a gutter mouth rivaling my own. Pretty cockfucking impressive.

Moving on. I will confess that I'm a film school graduate, so I do have a higher tolerance than many for "independent" films (which, admittedly, is becoming an increasingly dubious term). But, I also feel that there's a certain sameness to every indie trailer that comes out, rendering them all identical, in a strange and obnoxious way. Luckily, Juno as a film breaks out of those confines and turns out to be a genuinely funny, slightly raunchy, well written, directed and acted movie. As The Lode points out, some of the dialog is just too crisp and self-awarely clever to be believable, and I found it detracted from some moments being laugh aloud funny. But, not every comedy is meant to be a knee-slapper, and this one succeeds without pandering for guffaws. Plus, it has George-Michael. So, check it out. It opens in NY and L.A. today.

And here's Diablo Cody's, a fellow Blogger Blogspot blogger's, blog. What I've read on it is not all that interesting, but it sure beats LTNA, as all other things in this world do. Also, she has a few promotional videos up for Juno with her and Ellen Page, who I'd never seen before in anything, but like a whole lot now. Almost as much as I like pork swords.

John C. Reilly to Embrace the Cox Inside Him

To promote the upcoming flick Walk Hard, Columbia is having John C. Reilly tour as his character from the movie, Dewey Cox. This is pretty much the same exact technique that Columbia used with Will Ferrell, when he was making the rounds for Talladega Nights, which of course featured Reilly as his co-star. Sacha Baron Cohen also did this when he did the entire Borat press junket in character. I guess this ultra meta marketing technique worked so well they've decided to run the gag into the ground.

This time though, the farce will be even more involved, since "Dewey" will actually be performing live with the film's band, the Hard Walkers, in the "Cox Across America Tour," beginning tomorrow at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I'm kind of looking forward to seeing this movie. JC has proven his comedic chops as a second banana in film roles, and he's definitely the funniest character, Dr. Steve Brule, on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! [Sorry T&E, I love you guys but TGTTM was a much better show. (And Johnny Cakes Reilly also makes an appearence in the "Alliance" episode of Tom, fyi.)] So, it should be nice to finally see him "toplining," as we say in the biz. In the biz, we also say "biz," instead of "showbusiness," but it's just because we're too busy adjusting our Bluetooth headsets, abusing our assistants and doing blow for the extra syllables.

Anyway, speaking of my second favorite fictional doctor, Steve Brule-- the first, of course, is Dr. Spaceman-- here's a clip. Enjoy!

Friendster MySpace Facebook New Way to Stalk Friends Hot Shit

Considering the amount of shit I've gotten lately for not having a Facebook account-- I keep trying to tell my peer pressurers that, while I am flattered, I am straight-- this story makes me extra glad that I've resisted persuasion. Honestly, if you're spending time actually forming an argument on why someone else is lame for refusing to join a stupid website that's a poor substitute for real interaction, you're the loser. Admittedly, I did fall for it when I was talked into joining MySpace a couple of years ago by a friend; but, now that MySpace's 15 minutes as THE "social networking" site du jour are up, I kind of like it. Now that no one's into it any more, I have to say The Space has gotten way less obnoxious for me somehow.

And now, it seems MySpace doesn't seem to spy on you quite as much as Facebook does, let alone report your activities on third party sites back to the friends in your network (even when you're not logged on to Facebook). So, MySpace is indeed looking like the less creepy option. Furthermore, Facebook will still log this information after you've gone through their unnecessarily complicated process to opt out of having your activities tracked-- which by the way, offers no comprehensive way to opt out of their user tracking program wholesale. In other words, there is no real way to tell them to knock off big brothering your ass. Score one for Friendster, MySpace and the rest, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, all of these networking sites are beyond brokeback and moreover, an extremely bleak harbinger of my generation's approach toward life, friendships and relationships. However, I regret to say these sites are here to stay, like herpes. I'm 100% more likely to delete my one account than I am to join an additional site, simply because the two years one particular site has to be all the rage has expired and the trend mandates that I join MyFriendsFace now, if I want to fit in. I've never been cool, anyway. Why start now?