Have We Mentioned That We Really Like Howard Stern Yet?

Hey now! And so it begins: Howard Stern, uncensored. Today was the first broadcast of The (New) Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. True to form, we forced our eyes open to fumble clumsily in the dark for our stereo remote control at 2:59 this morning, to tune into the live east coast feed of this monumentous event. Riddled with technical difficulties (we wouldn't have it any other way), the show got off to a rocky start. But, the hype surrounding this day left Stern and the crew fumbling a bit themselves, as they were both ecstatic and bewildered at the fact that it's finally really, really happening.

The Chicago Tribune says the first show was crap, but we disagree. We've never even heard of that "paper" anyway; more to the point, we cannot deny our judgment is clouded by the fact that we're borderline superfans. In any event, we don't hesitate to acknowledge that there were some pacing and structure problems today, but it's mostly because there was too much to say and get to, rather than too little-- including a phony proclamation that Howard had finally made an honest woman out of Beth O. (alright, we confess, we believed him for a minute.)

You can read more about the first show here, and a full rundown should be up in a few hours. A couple of our favorite hilights are Howard Stern calling Martha Stewart's daughter "cunty" and having Artie proposition George Takei for anal. To think that it's only going to get better, once they find their stride. Damn, it's good to have them back.

Okay, Okay. Maybe Just a Couple More Wire Hangers...

The New York Daily News has taken Lindsay Lohan's recent admittal of drug use and disordered eating as an opportunity to compile a rolodex of the worst stage-mothers and fathers ever.

They start off with Hohan's "mother," who brushes off Lindsay's fucked-upedness as "not as bad as it looked." ("Looked"? As in, past tense? 'Cause, last time we saw a picture of Hohan, things were still topping the charts on the Benny Scale...)

Then, the article moves on and we get a little taste of everyone from the Barrymores to the Federlines. Naturally, Joan Crawford had to be included in this directory of the pitfalls of celebrity procreation. Still, they'd better leave the annals open until Paris Hilton finally gets around squeezing out a few bastards. Those kids are guaranteed to be fucked up enough to make Joe Jackson look like a good father, by comparison.

Paris Hilton? Dishonest? The Hell You Say!

Continuing in today's vein of non-shockers, Paris Hilton is a lying bitch. The story itself isn't really that interesting. It deals with a lot of she said/she said between Paris Hilton and Paris' Latsis' ex-girlfriend. The gist is just that the skanks had a run-in in some club, and Paris planted some story in Page Six months ago that made Paris 2's ex look like the jealous slut she probably is. Now, they're saying Paris lied under oath by denying she had anything to do with planting the libelous gossip in The Post, which contradicts the testimony of Paris' former publicist who insists she had him take dictation of exactly what was to be planted in the paper.

Or something. The point is, there's a sliver of a chance Paris Hilton will finally get her cumuppance (spell check?). Just don't get your hopes up too much, though. If we've learned anything from Tom Cruise, Robert Blake or O.J. Simpson, pesky things like "laws" simply don't apply to crimes against humanity, or even the classic crimes like murder, respectively-- as long as they're committed by the wealthy and/or famous. God bless America.

This Is What's Called a "Crutch"

Also BREAKING: Michael Jackson 'admits dabbling in little boys plastic surgery.'

Developing...

(Not really.)

David Letterman Is Generous

Oh snap! Letterman totally kept it real when Bill O'Reilly appeared on his show last night. After ripping on the Iraq war rather bluntly, O'Reilly was visibly put-off by Dave's candor. Then, Dave reached deep inside himself to find the little Wanda Sykes that lives deep inside each and every one of us, and told Bill O'Reilly like it is:

BO: If you want to question that, and then revamp an intelligence agency that's obviously flawed, the CIA, okay. But remember, MI-6 in Britain said the same thing. Putin's people in Russia said the same thing, and so did Mubarak's intelligence agency in Egypt.

DL: Well then that makes it all right?

BO: No it doesn't make it right.

DL: I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point on this, but I have the feeling, I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap. But I don't know that for a fact.

Paul Shafer: 60 percent.

DL: 60 percent. I'm just spit-balling here.

Only 60%, eh? Nice guy, that Letterman. If the transcript leaves you thirsting for the video of the talking heads, watch it here.

Sad and Lonely, Sad and Lonely

It comes as a surprise to no one that David Lee Roth's debut yesterday on WXRK, Howard Stern's former home, totally sucked. He didn't talk about sex, drugs, bitches, tricks or whores. Instead, he talked about what he orders at McDonald's and made some lame Eddie Van Halen quips. Let's face it, the David Lee Roths, Corey Feldmans and Brad Renfros of the world are a complete waste of everyone's time if they aren't coked-up as fuck and drunk as shit.

Adam Corolla did a bit better here on the west si-yeed, on account of the fact he has...what's that stuff? Oh, yeah, experience. (Yes, apparently Loveline counts.) In any case, Joel Hollander, Tom Chiusano and all the rest were right to be freaked about replacing Howard Stern, because evidently, Howard can't be replaced. Let's start a pool on how soon it will be before Diamond David Lee Roth calls it quits/ gets shitcanned. We've got a dub saying it's on or before February 6th. Who wants in on this action?

What? Did You Think the First Real Post Would Be about Paris Hilton?

The geeks at Google, whose business ethos seems to be a dangerous combination of Bill Gates' ambition paired with too much time playing Zero Wing, are already shaking things up in '06, sending Microsoft into a panic. Between Google's plans to release a low-cost computer with their own-- i.e., not Winblows-- OS, and the talk of a "Google Box" (that one's just too easy), which will allow people to transfer data files between their TVs and their computers directly-- i.e. high-quality Arrested Development episodes on your laptop nice and legally-- Microsoft is shitting a brick. There's even talk of Google getting into the pay-TV service, and making that free. That is, of course, after they finish equipping cities with their free WiFi service.

Microsoft's options include buying AOL and splitting them from TimeWarner, or going after smaller fish like IAC, in order to compete with Google. Yeah, we're sure if Microsoft gets Ask Jeeves under their belt, things will start looking up.

It looks like Yahoo, which spent a good deal of time and press trying to compete against Google in 2005 isn't doing so hot, either:

"Lloyd Braun, who was hired by Yahoo more than a year ago to oversee the Internet leader's foray into original programming on the Web, will exit after clashing repeatedly with Silicon Valley's laid-back culture."

Those of you who remember when Lloyd Braun had that nervous breakdown had to have seen this one coming. We sure did. But, that's what Yahoo gets for hiring someone fresh out of a mental institution.

In any case, 2006 is off to a tumultuous start in the world of the corporate fat cats. We can only hope that we plebes can somehow benefit from the fallout, wherein G5 laptops fall from the sky and babies are born equipped with Bluetooth technology. Serenity now, affordable sex robots later!

We Apologize for Nothing

So, it appears we were kind of lying in our last post, which inadvertently ended up being our final post of 2005. What can we say? The appeal of slopping around and watching approximately 10 hours of Degrassi per day was a much better way to spend our vacation than, say, penning pointless posts. The title of this blog never felt more apt until we weighed the appeal of coming up with cheeky ways to call Courtney Love a drugged-up slut-bag, against having another Boddingtons. So. There you have it.

In any case, we're back at our square job, and managed to catch up on our two weeks of work missed in about half an hour, so you can officially consider LTNA back. Officially. And now, we're off to look for sources to provide you with the same third-hand news you've come here for since 2005. Let's have a less suicidal happy new year!