BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

We can't resist reporting misfortunes that have befallen people we hate, even when the news is semi-old. Here is a perfect example:

Sean "LTNA Refuses to Call Me 'Diddy'" Combs was dropped on his face, after he attempted and failed a stage-dive at a nightclub in Ibiza. We thought this was great enough, but to top the story off, after failing to catch him, no one helped him up. He scurried back to the stage and tried to pretend nothing had happened.

This lack of enthusiasm on the part of his own fans is so hilarious, it almost makes us forgive those people for being fans of Puffy in the first place. But, not quite. Because they still went to his show, and payed money to do so. Letting Puff Daddy eat shit on a stage dive is a lot like using Paris Hilton's "book" to wipe your ass. Sure, it's poetic and all, but you still bought the book.

Bashing Bush for Neglecting Blacks Is the New Black

Evidently, Kanye started a new trend, because Pierce Brosnan and Sean Penn have both commenced public shit-talking about how Bush is handling Katrina. Or, not handling it, as it were. We will admit that Sean Penn is sort of known for being a leftist troublemaker, but when he was unsuccessfully rescuing people from the water in LA, he totally had his collar flipped up.

What's worse is, New Orleans authorities seem to be confusing this disaster with Mardi Gras, demanding female victims show their tits in exchange for rescue. At least they were nice enough to throw them some beads, as well. Such humanitarians!

Emmys: "At Least We're Not the Grammys"

The Emmys already suck pretty hard, but they're taking it to new heights this year. They're gonna let Shatner and The Donald sing.

Wait for it.

They're going to sing the themes to popular TV shows. (In Shatner's case, he will be singing the theme to Star Trek, which b-t-dub, is instrumental. Yes, you did read that right.) Then, viewers are going to vote on who will be crowned the "Emmy Idol."

Is this the kind of stunt that happens when The Sopranos aren't around to generate ratings for the telecast? Having a long weekend is nice and all, but is coming back to irritating news like this the price we have to pay for it? It's time to start devising a drinking game that will ensure a black-out by the time Shatner grabs the mic. Feel free to post any ideas below. Remember, we already came up with the classic, "Arsenic or a .45," so stick to fresh material only!

SNL Won't Be Asking Kanye to Host Any Time Soon

If you didn't already know, things got pretty ballnutz at NBC's Katrina telethon on Friday. Mike Myers and Kanye West went on camera to read some bullshit off the teleprompter during the live broadcast, but Kanye unexpectedly kept it real and things went totally wrong-- at least, as far as NBC is concerned. Kanye was visibly upset, and went off the script, calling Bush out for "not car[ing] about black people." NBC cut the whole incident from the West Coast re-broadcast. You can see Mike Myers freaking out, which is really amusing; but, the best part is when they cutaway to Chris Tucker, who is totally unprepared. Awesome.

In any case, if you haven't donated any money yet, fuckin' do it. Don't be a douche. One dollar is better than nothing at all. Okay, we'll dismount from our high horse, now.

'Cause Fuck 'Em. That's Why.

Congressman Dennis Hastert is getting himself in some hot water, after saying that rebuilding New Orleans "doesn't make sense." Because the city is below sea level, he feels that people who continue living there "insist on living in harm's way." Now, a lot of people are going to say this guy is a douche bag extraordinare, but come on. You know you were kind of thinking it, too.

Hastert really has some set of grapes, because he also kind of hinted that it's stupid to keep Los Angeles and San Francisco going, what with the earthquakes and all. We think Hastert may really be on to something here. If we just didn't bother to do anything every time some stupid city fell victim to a natural disaster, we would eventually weed out all the Bayou trash, the filthy hippies in NorCal (you can shove that Nag Champa up you ass, "Moon Rainbow"!) and Paris Hilton. And in the end, wouldn't the millions of casualties be worth at least that?

Funnily enough, Mr. Bill saw this coming all along.

Famous People Are Narcissists

Because it's Labor Day weekend and we've already completely checked out, we decided our first (and potentially only, depending on how quickly Mario gets here with that sixer of Code Red) post today would be something easy. Naturally, that leaves Courtney Love and monkeys-- which are eerily similar. Or, as a third standby, all things Brangelina. Here goes.

The divorced couple has left a five foot photo of them together on their wedding day, lying on the floor of their abandoned Beverly Hills mansion. Evidently, the news that neither one of them would want to keep this oversized shrine to their failed union is quite breaking, in the eyes of the AP. What's more breaking to us is that anyone would want such a tacky monument in their home, in the first place. Forget "immortalizing the love" and all that crap. A five foot photo in your house of yourself is out of control. Hell, a five foot photo of anything is out of control-- except the one we have of Corey Haim. That shit really ties the room together.

Also, Jennifer Aniston is set to "tell all" (again) to Diane Sawyer in an exclusive interview, while the rest of the world pretends to not to be bored of this whole saga by now.

Britney Spears Does Something Else Stupid

You've probably already heard that Britney Spears has decided to name her unborn slack-jawed yokel of a son Preston. Well the latest on this bit of hard news is that she's actually going to name him London Preston, after the city where she fell in love with her bastard-siring husband. You may have heard recent reports saying that Federline wanted the kid to be named after himself, but in a rare moment of wisdom, Brit decided "Unemployed Mooching Wigger Spears Federline, Jr" didn't roll off the tongue as nicely as "London." Granted, we feel London Preston is a retarded name, but if she had decided to name the kid "John" we would've felt the same way, just because it's Britney Spears, and everything she does is fat and stupid. And fat.

Spears also commented rather intelligently on the baby-making process with K Fed saying, "Oh yeah! Right, oh my goodness, it's awesome, though. Wow!" Yes, that's an actual quotation, kids. You can't fake idiocy like that.

Pope Apparently a Huge Fan of Robin Harris

The frigging Pope is telling Catholics to have even more babies. Apparently, condemning contraception isn't doing the trick, and the declining birthrates in predominantly Catholic countries like Spain is "depriv[ing] some nations of freshness and energy and of hopes for the future incarnate in children." Yeah, what the world really needs is a bunch more Catholics in an already overpopulated world, running around telling everyone else how they should live. Sounds perfect. Sadly, it's very likely that a lot of Catholics are going to be daft enough to heed this advice. (Not us though. We haven't set foot in a church since Confirmation. Right after that, we installed that sex-trapeze and got on The Pill.)

How can a leader that millions look to for guidance offer a "solution" to the world's problems that we all know can only end in disaster, thanks to the extremely informative film Bebe's Kids? We fear the real-life manifestation of this classic will be significantly less hilarious.