10 November 2005

Joe Francis Rents Huge Penis to Prove Heterosexuality

Okay, it's not literally a giant penis. Rather, it's just a huge, engorged sea-penis, known formally as a "yacht." A bit of background, in case you're not up to speed on Joe Francis' latest woes.

Recent months have brought us murmurings of a sex tape stolen from Francis' home, featuring the Girls Gone Wild visionary and USC alumnus, himself. Until recently, all that was known about this mythical tape was that Joey Joe Joe was beyond desperate to keep it from getting leaked. This led to mucho speculation about what could be on the tape, but the LAPD is now in possession of a copy. We won't say much about what's on the tape, other than that it involves Joe Francis, a vibrator and the phrase "I'm from 'Boys Gone Wild,' and I like it up the ass." If you need more than that, go to Radar, sickee.

But, back to the matter at hand. Joe Francis (and supposedly some other rich asshole, although Asshole 2 denied the story outright) wants to rent The Lady in Blue, a famous yacht, over Xmas and New Year's. The going rate? Oh, just $400,000 or so. They're still working out the kinks, after all. What was most interesting to us is the following tidbit from the piece:

"They were very worried that it had enough space for all the girls and asked lots of questions as to how many they could stuff in each room. They are planning to throw the wildest New Year's party with girls imported from all over. [...] The Russians are high on the list, and Joe is getting the girls from L.A. and Miami."

Yeah, a grand gesture like renting a humongous yacht (by yourself, evidently), then having your publicist plant items in Page Six about how you're going to fill it beyond capacity with Russian prostitutes is a surefire way to cancel out any gay rumors. Joe Francis' problem isn't that he needs to convince people he's not gay, nor that he can't get anyone to corroborate his planted story in Page Six. No, his only struggle is that he can't find a yacht big enough to hold all the girls! girls! girls! for his wild party-- let alone a yacht big enough for his manly penis!

It's just like Michael Jackson with all this pedophile nonsense. Obviously, the only way to prove that you're not a pedophile is to keep hanging out with 13-year-old boys-- even sleeping with them if you have to, in order to prove your point! Hat's off to you, Joe. We were sort of on the fence before about whether you were straight or not, but now we're convinced! Uh, convinced you're straight, we mean.

No comments: