23 November 2005

Supercent: Slower Than a Retarded Fourth-Grader

Despite our resentment of Fifty Cent, we can't help but follow the reports of the latest Fiddy-related murder(s) or gun fight(s). We know it doesn't make "cents," but what can we say? We love drugs, violence and terrible puns.

Apparently, Fifty "Yeah, I Got Shot Nine Times" Cent fought off the bullets from his assailants' weapons with his bare hands, when they ambushed him in his car outside of his grandmother's house in Jamaica, Queens all those years ago. This incident is reenacted in Fifty's movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Maybe we're making light of the whole getting-shot-nine-times-at-close-range-and-then-driving-yourself-to-the-hospital deal, but the idea that he thought it possible and wise to defend himself against bullets with his bare hands displays a unique blend of delusions of grandeur mixed with mental retardation. Honestly, are books Fifty Cent's kryptonite? Sure, he did survive the shooting, but seriously. His bare fucking hands? What a douche.

There's also a bunch of new shit that has come to light regarding who Fifty's would-be assassins were, as Chris Lorenzo, one of the founders of Murder, Inc., has revealed some new details. Most notably, Lorenzo says that that "Hommo" dude wasn't the one responsible for the attack on Fifty, and that the reason Fifty pinned it on him was it would be easier to put the blame on a dead guy than to reveal the truth. The article also calls Lorenzo a "self-confessed pimp," but we're pretty certain they mean to say "self-proclaimed pimp." Ain't no apologies in the pimp game, y'all.

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