17 October 2005

Chris Klein Don't Luv That Ho

Long before we were regaled with tales of a fictional Tom Cruise baby, "Kate" Holmes dated Chris Klein-- or as we like to call him, "That Guy from American Pie with the Face Like a Baby Pig" or "Baby Pig-Face" for short. They were together for five years-- engaged, even. But, you probably knew that. What's marginally interesting about BPF today is that he's been asked how he feels about this whole TomKat biznass. "Marginally interesting?" you say with a supercilious look on your face. To that, we say that we have to get to our minimum of two posts for the day somehow, and fucked if you think we're doing it with some post about James Blonde.

Now, where were we? Ah yes. BPF says he hasn't spoken to Kate since she dropped the "i," and that they broke up because they weren't really the same type of people and simply "weren't lighting each other's fire any more." We can imagine it might be hard to continue lighting your girlfriend's fire after she realizes her type is an Operating Thetan Level VII control freak of questionable sexual orientation who can elevate her to A-list celebrity in exchange for all self respect, free will and a few mil. 'Cause, you know, sometimes people just grow apart. Further, BPF says he's not upset over Kate's brainwashing relationship, saying "No, Dude, I’m out and about." Nice to know he's keeping his chin up. Dude.

If you want to read more about this (and we hope you don't), these quotations and other gems will be woven into a rich tapestry in this month's Details. Otherwise, you can join us at our Oedipus Party, wherein we'll be gouging our eyes out in protest to the continued celebration of lunacy known as "Hollywood." Yeah, that'll show 'em.

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