28 September 2005

Meth, Cause of and Solution to All Life's Problems

The chick who was taken hostage by the courthouse gunman after his rampage in March has revealed her secret to getting released by her captor: crystal meth. That's right, kids. He tied up and held her at gunpoint in her home, and asked her for some weed (we usually just pay for it). Being a tweeker for some 9 years, she didn't have any dope, naturally. So, she gave him some speed, read him a chapter from some religious book, and he was all "I'm born again!" and shit.

If you've ever dealt with anyone who's just smoked a bunch of glass, you can pretty much tell them anything and they'll trust you completely. Or they might freak out and try to shit on your mailbox while sewing you a wedding dress by hand. Lucky for this chick it was the former, and the whole "live a good life" stuff cottoned to her tormenter immediately. He saw the righteous path and released her. She then called the cops and they were able to snag the bastard. Also, after this incident, she was finally able to quit smoking shit, after many failed stints in rehab. Apparently being held at gunpoint for nine hours is a surefire way to a "speedy" recovery from meth addiction!

Oh, come on. You know by now how we adore terrible puns. Guess you could say there's a "crystal" clear "meth"od to our madness! Ha!

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