22 September 2005

You Say You Wanna Start a Revolution? Well, I'm Too Stoned

Some top secret FBI papers that were just released yesterday reveal that John Lennon was once considered a Commie bastard/ threat to our freedom. The Man thought he was leading a pack of revolutionaries who were going to "hijack a Republican conference," whatever that means. The reason they ruled him out as a threat to democracy: He was totally stoned, man. That's right. Lennon's constant puffing of the kind bud, paired with his affinity for gack and hard candy, led the feds to realize he was just too damned high to get his shit together for any sort of revolution, even if he wanted.

This is really interesting news. At least we know what alibi to use next time we're wrongfully accused: "No, Officer. I couldn't have robbed that pet store. I was too stoned. Nintendo. So, I just stayed home listening to American Hi-Fi and split an 8 ball with my pet monkey. Oh? You say the only thing stolen from the store was a monkey? Well, that's kind of weird. No, it was just me and Yayo-- my monkey's name is Yayo, by the way-- rolling blunts and doing rails off the back of a toilet. But, I sure hope you 'crack' the case!" Yeah, playful jesting is always a good idea when you're pretty sure you're about to be arrested.

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