31 August 2005

Breaking: Nobody Is Gay in Hollywood!

Didyouhearohmygoddidyouhear? So like, Orlando is totally running around on Kate with Kirsten. Like, they were totally all over each other at the mixer-- erm, VMAs, like RIGHT after he was hooking up with Sienna last month! OMG! And Kirsten is like, an uber slut because she was totally with Jake just a few days ago, like they were back together, and then she like, makes out with 'Lando in Miami! God! Why is she even popular? What a b-to-the-itch!

Okay, enough of that. Hollywood publicists are really quite cheeky, sometimes. For instance, imagine you have a Hot Young Actor who is clearly a homo to anyone with eyes, but who doesn't understand why posing for a picture like the one above might betray this secret. To make things worse, he's had a very public break-up with his "girlfriend," likely because she was hungry for some deep-dickin that HYA, even with the aid of his acting skills and the most durable of brown paper bags, was unable to provide without throwing up for two hours at a stretch.

Then, you have a pug fugly starlet who is already known to have been dating another very likely closeted young H'wood Hunk. Wouldn't it be a great ruse if the most hideous actress/ most famous beard in La La Land could reprise her most famous role anew, and quell the rumors that HYA is gay, while simultaneously providing a very non-gay reason for HH to be newly single? Wouldn't it?

Now that we've thoroughly descended into the madness that must consume Ted Casablanca's daily existence, we're going to ensure a return to normalcy by sticking needles in our eyes. See you later-- or not! Ha!

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